When I was 4 my mom moved us to another state for a guy she had met online. I don't remember much other than not wanting to leave my grandmother in Ohio. She was my only grandma and I would miss her greatly. I remember bits and pieces of the man named Phillip Meek. I remember his house looked huge to me. I remember that he had a cool treehouse in his backyard! I remember my bedroom was across the hall from his and my mom's. ....and I remember that he taught me, at 4 or 5 years old... how to straddle a man's face, among other things. I remember watching pornos with a woman in a blue wig performing fellatio, I remember him telling me if I told anyone that I would lose my mom, and I remember him touching me in places NO MAN should ever touch a woman or man without consent and never a child for any reason. Being that I just lost my grandma, I was scared, but I still told my school counselor. The school informed my mother who went to the police. The judge, being told by my mother that we lived with the offender, granted me a 10ft restraining order. Can you believe that? 10...feet... Meaning, my mom didn't have to move, I could still be in the house with this monster.
After a while my mom started to get relaxed on the restraining order and didn't make him stay away from me. I mean, how could she? My bedroom was 4ft from theirs, right across the hall. He gave me a huge bear for some reason... I think it might have been my birthday, and asked if he could give me a hug.. I was a child, I looked to my mom and she nodded her head, so I hugged this... facade of what a man is.
I remember going to counseling appointments where they put me in a room with a mirror I could see straight through at the little blinky red light on the other side. I remember the anatomically correct plush people that I was handed and asked to re-create what had been happening to me.
I hated it. I felt like I was the one in trouble. Like I was being interrogated every time I went in. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted it to go away. But I did what I was told and showed the lady counselor.
Eventually, my mom left Phillip and got together with another man named Ron.
Ron had a kitten and he lived in a basement type apartment and we also eventually moved back to Ohio! I was excited that I was going to be around my grandma again! We lived upstairs from her in her duplex even, so it was even beter!
My grandma was an alcoholic, but she always made me feel important, never let her problems affect her relationship with me and I adored her to the moon and back twice!
One day, a while after we were living there, I remember Ron calling me into his and my moms bedroom. I was nervous still from Phillip, but I listened and did as I was told. I was in my nightgown that day. He asked me to take it off. He asked me to come to him. he said it like a question, but I knew better. I knew it wasn't. Here it was... new guy, new house, same nightmare. He touched me and licked me in placed that felt weird. I didn't like it, it was slimy and gross feeling. He told me that I'd learn to like it and that he needed to show me the right way. Told me I'd be "daddy's little girl" it would be our secret. He would lay me in the bed with him and cover me up next to him, while watching movies with my little brothers sitting right at the foot of the bed, or on the floor next to the bed, and he would be touching me. putting his fingers in places that hurt when he pushed inside.
I told my mom. After all, she was there for me last time, this would be the right thing to do. Right?
No.
My mom told me that everything would be alright. Told me that we would handle it as a family and that we would all talk. That it would stop.
But it didn't. It continues for a long time. I decided that telling my mom didn't work. So I told my grandmother. She was outraged! Told me that she was going to make it stop. Grandma called the police and when my mom saw the car pull in, she called me upstairs. My grandma told me to listen to my mom and go up there, that she would have them knock in a few minutes. While upstairs, my mom told me that if I told the cops that my grandmother was telling the truth that the cops would take me away from my family and I'd never see my mom or brothers again.For me to lie and say that my grandma was just drunk and didn't know what she was talking about. That we would talk about it as a family, she meant it this time, she would stop it and no cops. Once again, I believed her and lied to the police for her. I was so young I didn't realize I was causing irreparable damage to my ability to tell anyone again. Ron managed to get away with this for nearly 11 years before anyone believed me again. All while my mom wouldn't listen. She would tell people I was having flashbacks from living with Phillip. I knew I wasn't lying, but it did no good because I had lied once to the police. When I was 16, my best friend, confidant, sweetheart... my everything.... listened to me. For the first time in a very long time, someone listened and wanted to help... He said he would call that night and then call the police and to be ready. I stole the cordless phone to my room and waited. When he called, I was ready, he called the police right after giving me a pep talk. Told me I could do this and that he was there for me. When the cops arrived I asked to talk to them alone. I was a teenager and not a child anymore, so I could talk to them alone finally. I didn't lie that night. I told the whole truth and they took me away. Placed me with a friend of my mom's who also didn't believe me and they started a CPS investigation. My mom sided with my abuser. The filth that had repeatedly touched, and anally raped me for a decade... my own flesh and blood MOTHER.... sided with HIM. I was so furious and hurt and just... confused.. My mom shipped me off to live with extended family I had never met and continued to stay with Ron. By this time I had 3 brothers and a sister. All I could imagine was, what would happen if he touched my sister? I found out he was also touching my brothers. I was shipped away so my mom didn't have to deal with me.
Years later my biological father came around and scared Ron off in a selfish ploy to win my mom back. After Ron was gone and I had moved out and started healing, I had already given up trying to prosecute Ron because nobody would help me and I thought it was too late. Then I found out that my mom... the woman who gave birth to me...gave me life... helped my younger brother prosecute Ron in a plea deal so she couldn't get in any trouble for allowing it to happen. This made me feel less than low. Beyond gone.. My mom, abandoned me with complete strangers and allowed this....thing to touch me for most of my childhood, excused it, lied to people for him, defended his every breath... wouldn't be there when it came to me.... BUT, when my brother needed her voice... she was all in... This led to questions like
Why doesn't my mom love me?
Why wouldn't she help me?
What's wrong with me?
Is she ashamed of me?
What did I do so wrong?
Did I deserve it?
Was she in on it?
Why doesn't my mommy love me like she loves them?
none of these questions will ever have answers.... ever.... because when I ask them... she deflects.
I recently found out that my mom is FRIENDS on Facebook with
Phillip Meek!
When I asked her how she could do that. Why she'd do that. Why is she friends with a man who could hurt her child so.... her response was that I don't have the right to tell her who she can and can't be friends with.
and I'M the child!!????
I decided right then that I wouldn't let anyone feel that way. Not my kids, not friends kids, no child at any age should feel like the ones that are around them, don't care. Boy, Girl, Man, Woman, Child, Adult.... Everyone deserves someone to be there for them and help them through everything.Nobody deserves the things I went through. Nobody should feel like their mom doesn't care about them.
