I am so lost and can't find my way and nothing works and everything I try fails and the people I care about think I don't care because I'm always fucking busy and I drive 60 miles a day and never sleep more than an hour at a time and I'm always driving one place or another and I can't save money because I'm spending all the money we have on gas so I can't find a place to go because I have no money but I need money to move and husband needs the job to make money and we need money for gas and I can't handle this shit anymore! I want to scream, but who cares right? I want to cry every minute of every day but I can't because I have to adult. I want to read and color and do nothing for a week, but I can't because I'm the adult, I'm the grownup, I'm the mom. I want to eat but can't afford food while I'm going through this. I try to keep in touch and fail and now my friends are all pissed off because I haven't kept good contact when they needed me. Well, I needed someone too. Still do. But you're dealing with as much shit as me so I just kept mine to myself and tried listening to you and helping you. But the more I tried, the more I failed.
I wake up every morning between 6 and 7am(depending on if I hear the clock or force myself back to sleep for a tiny bit before getting up). I'm dressed, kids(2) dressed, husband dressed, breakfast prepped and packed, backpacks, keys, lunch stuff packed, out the door by 7:45am. Take daughter to school, go to library and wait for them to open at 9:30am. Sit in parking lot in truck and eat breakfast with son and husband. Library opens, go inside. Get on computer and look for houses and put in job applications (usually 2). 11:15am alarm goes off on phone... time to check mail and take husband to work. Drive husband to work, come back to library and put in another job application or two while I wait for 3pm so I can leave to get daughter from school. Grab her and go BACK to the library so that we can read and do homework and she can study and not be stuck in the truck. Between 5 and 7, leave library. Go to McDonald's across from hubby's work so I can have WiFi and kids can play and run around and get out energy while we wait for husband to get off work between 8:30-9:15pm. Husband gets off work and walks over to us at McDonald's. Get kids packed into truck and drive home. Arrive home around 9:30-45pm. Figure out what to feed kids, cook it, feed kids. By this point it's nearly 11pm and the kids and I and husband are exhausted. Shuffle kids to bed begrudgingly and wait for them to be asleep before we go to bed ourselves. I'm in bed around 2am every night finally and then I have to wind my brain down. Because even though I'm exhausted, I'm not mentally able to fall asleep... SUUUUUUU..... I lie in bed and think, and breathe, and lie there..... until I finally fall asleep around 3am-ish. I will then continue to wake up every 45mins to hour until either my alarm goes off or I see daylight and can't talk my body into falling asleep due to night terrors, nightmares, flashbacks, whatever you wanna call em.. they suck and they feel real when I'm dreaming.. mmkay pumpkin??. I do this Tuesday through Friday. Every week. On Saturdays, I sometimes stay at the house, but then I accomplish NOTHING... so I mostly go to the library when I can, and I chase kids around and try to accomplish things while I'm chasing daughter and son around trying to make behaving happen... (doesn't happen btw). Sundays we may go to church, we may not... but even those days I'm unproductive because I can't access internet to accomplish anything really.... Mondays, I start my day just like Tuesday through Friday, but instead of taking husband to work, we stay at the library, get daughter when its time, and then check mail and go home and then I'm still depressed and anxious and shit!
I wake up every morning between 6 and 7am(depending on if I hear the clock or force myself back to sleep for a tiny bit before getting up). I'm dressed, kids(2) dressed, husband dressed, breakfast prepped and packed, backpacks, keys, lunch stuff packed, out the door by 7:45am. Take daughter to school, go to library and wait for them to open at 9:30am. Sit in parking lot in truck and eat breakfast with son and husband. Library opens, go inside. Get on computer and look for houses and put in job applications (usually 2). 11:15am alarm goes off on phone... time to check mail and take husband to work. Drive husband to work, come back to library and put in another job application or two while I wait for 3pm so I can leave to get daughter from school. Grab her and go BACK to the library so that we can read and do homework and she can study and not be stuck in the truck. Between 5 and 7, leave library. Go to McDonald's across from hubby's work so I can have WiFi and kids can play and run around and get out energy while we wait for husband to get off work between 8:30-9:15pm. Husband gets off work and walks over to us at McDonald's. Get kids packed into truck and drive home. Arrive home around 9:30-45pm. Figure out what to feed kids, cook it, feed kids. By this point it's nearly 11pm and the kids and I and husband are exhausted. Shuffle kids to bed begrudgingly and wait for them to be asleep before we go to bed ourselves. I'm in bed around 2am every night finally and then I have to wind my brain down. Because even though I'm exhausted, I'm not mentally able to fall asleep... SUUUUUUU..... I lie in bed and think, and breathe, and lie there..... until I finally fall asleep around 3am-ish. I will then continue to wake up every 45mins to hour until either my alarm goes off or I see daylight and can't talk my body into falling asleep due to night terrors, nightmares, flashbacks, whatever you wanna call em.. they suck and they feel real when I'm dreaming.. mmkay pumpkin??. I do this Tuesday through Friday. Every week. On Saturdays, I sometimes stay at the house, but then I accomplish NOTHING... so I mostly go to the library when I can, and I chase kids around and try to accomplish things while I'm chasing daughter and son around trying to make behaving happen... (doesn't happen btw). Sundays we may go to church, we may not... but even those days I'm unproductive because I can't access internet to accomplish anything really.... Mondays, I start my day just like Tuesday through Friday, but instead of taking husband to work, we stay at the library, get daughter when its time, and then check mail and go home and then I'm still depressed and anxious and shit!
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