3-24-16

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I am so lost and can't find my way and nothing works and everything I try fails and the people I care about think I don't care because I'm always fucking busy and I drive 60 miles a day and never sleep more than an hour at a time and I'm always driving one place or another and I can't save money because I'm spending all the money we have on gas so I can't find a place to go because I have no money but I need money to move and husband needs the job to make money and we need money for gas and I can't handle this shit anymore! I want to scream, but who cares right? I want to cry every minute of every day but I can't because I have to adult. I want to read and color and do nothing for a week, but I can't because I'm the adult, I'm the grownup, I'm the mom. I want to eat but can't afford food while I'm going through this. I try to keep in touch and fail and now my friends are all pissed off because I haven't kept good contact when they needed me. Well, I needed someone too. Still do. But you're dealing with as much shit as me so I just kept mine to myself and tried listening to you and helping you. But the more I tried, the more I failed.

I wake up every morning between 6 and 7am(depending on if I hear the clock or force myself back to sleep for a tiny bit before getting up). I'm dressed, kids(2) dressed, husband dressed, breakfast prepped and packed, backpacks, keys, lunch stuff packed, out the door by 7:45am. Take daughter to school, go to library and wait for them to open at 9:30am. Sit in parking lot in truck and eat breakfast with son and husband. Library opens, go inside. Get on computer and look for houses and put in job applications (usually 2). 11:15am alarm goes off on phone... time to check mail and take husband to work. Drive husband to work, come back to library and put in another job application or two while I wait for 3pm so I can leave to get daughter from school. Grab her and go BACK to the library so that we can read and do homework and she can study and not be stuck in the truck. Between 5 and 7, leave library. Go to McDonald's across from hubby's work so I can have WiFi and kids can play and run around and get out energy while we wait for husband to get off work between 8:30-9:15pm. Husband gets off work and walks over to us at McDonald's. Get kids packed into truck and drive home. Arrive home around 9:30-45pm. Figure out what to feed kids, cook it, feed kids. By this point it's nearly 11pm and the kids and I and husband are exhausted. Shuffle kids to bed begrudgingly and wait for them to be asleep before we go to bed ourselves. I'm in bed around 2am every night finally and then I have to wind my brain down. Because even though I'm exhausted, I'm not mentally able to fall asleep... SUUUUUUU..... I lie in bed and think, and breathe, and lie there..... until I finally fall asleep around 3am-ish. I will then continue to wake up every 45mins to hour until either my alarm goes off or I see daylight and can't talk my body into falling asleep due to night terrors, nightmares, flashbacks, whatever you wanna call em.. they suck and they feel real when I'm dreaming.. mmkay pumpkin??. I do this Tuesday through Friday. Every week. On Saturdays, I sometimes stay at the house, but then I accomplish NOTHING... so I mostly go to the library when I can, and I chase kids around and try to accomplish things while I'm chasing daughter and son around trying to make behaving happen... (doesn't happen btw). Sundays we may go to church, we may not... but even those days I'm unproductive because I can't access internet to accomplish anything really....  Mondays, I start my day just like Tuesday through Friday, but instead of taking husband to work, we stay at the library, get daughter when its time, and then check mail and go home and then I'm still depressed and anxious and shit! 

7-19-15

If there's one thing that being overweight has taught me it's not to judge someone you don't know. 

As a teenager, I was a mean little piss ant. 

I didn't give a shit if you could hear me laughing at your shoes or hair or weight. And I sure as hell didn't think 

"OMG, what does this person think of what I'm saying!?" 

But I do now. Boy do I. Everyone needs to remember that just because some looks a certain way doesn't make it their fault entirely. 

Maybe someone has a lazy eye. You make fun of them, but it's not like they woke up one morning and went 

"ya know what? I'm gonna make the left eye look down

and to the right all day.."

No overweight person woke up and decided to eat a truck load of twinkles one morning. 

Some of us try really...really hard and nothing changes. 

Weight doesn't come off,

scars don't fade;

and pain stays.

You don't know how hard I try and bust my ass and tell myself not to eat that cake because it's bad for me. But still, I weigh 278lbs. 

No matter what, I weigh 278. I guess you could say it's okay cause at least I'm not getting any bigger. But when people at the gym talk behind your back about 

"yeah, some fatty is pretending to run at 2.5mph" 

*chuckles and high fives his buddy*

I understand that 2.5mph is considered "slow walking" on MyFitnessPal, but when it's coupled with the fact that I was walking(breathlessly run-jogging) at 2.5mph on a level 3 incline(IDK what the numbers mean height wise) and I went for 35 minutes, that's a lot! Especially for someone like me. 

Today, some teenagers were in the parking lot of the store that I walked around in for 40 minutes for no reason. Just to exercise a little. 

Upon getting into the truck, I saw them looking...no...gawking at me. Eyes wide. Jaws slacked. And then one of them one says 

"Oh Em Gee, how can she even walk? 

Her legs must be buckling from under her." 

Now as much as I shouldn't let it bother me because she doesn't know me.... It did. 

It hurt a lot. 

Here I am. Enjoying the day. Taking pride that I burnt like 200 calories walking and this chick just couldn't stop herself. She doesn't even know how hard I try to lose weight to only stay the same weight. I sat in the truck and bawled my eyes out. Hard core just horrible. 

My kids asked me what was wrong and I told them the hot was making me sad because I didn't want my kids to know someone called me a mean name. 

I hope something changed soon because at this rate gonna get more and more depressed at this weight and the inability to make it leave my body. 

And it's gonna kill me slowly.

7-3-15

Week 2: Assignment 3 

Assignment 3: Two-Point Perspective Imaginary Street Scene

This assignment will familiarize you with creating an outdoor scene in two-point perspective with rectangular and triangular prisms. You will also learn how to use horizontal and vertical convergence to create depth in your scene.

By Friday, July 3, 2015, complete the drawing project and post it to this Discussion Area.

Using your pencils, paper, ruler, and your imagination, draw an outdoor street scene in two-point perspective that contains the following elements:

• A building or house with a pitched roof
• A fence, telephone poles, a row of trees, or some other vertical row of objects that uses accurate vertical convergence.
• A road, sidewalk, or some other horizontal element that uses accurate horizontal convergence.

Tips for the drawing process:

1. Create an area measuring about 9x12 inches on your 18x24-inch pad of paper so you have a margin surrounding the drawing area. This will allow you to place your vanishing points outside the edges of the drawing in the margins to create a good composition that effectively uses space.
2. Consider the placement of elements within the drawing to create a well-balanced composition, utilizing foreground, mid-ground, and background.
3. Be sure to correctly overlap the elements in the composition, keeping in mind the placement of their bases/footprints on the ground plane.
4. Even though this drawing needs to be a scene from your imagination, remember that you can use photographs as a reference to add details such as architectural elements or complex objects to your imagined scene.
5. Leave your guidelines lightly sketched in, and then switch to a softer (4B, 6B) pencil to darken the finished shapes to help them stand out against the guidelines. Do not press down hard with your pencil.

My Work:

2-13-15

I just found out that my mom... back up.

I just found out that the man who molested me from ages 6-16 is in prison for 25yrs. In Ohio. Soon to be in the same prison that my biological father (clicking the links below will show you what a grade a citizen he isn't...) is in right now. 

This man (stepfather, not bio dad) is in prison for 25 years for child molestation.

my little brother filed a case against him, just like I did 13+years ago..

but this time, my mom didn't try talking anyone out of it. didn't stand up for him...

13 years ago when I was trying to put him away, my mom covered for him, lied for him, abandoned me in NC with a cousin I had just met HOURS ago, and left to life with the bastard for 5 more years before leaving him. and she didn't leave him, she told my dad he was a bad guy and my dad threatened to kill him, so stepfather left.

13yrs ago, when I needed my mommy, when I needed anyone, when I lost a great friend and more to a fucking drunk asshole in Toledo because he was coming to get me... My mother, chose him..

But when it comes down to my little brothers saying the same things I said, saying how he did things to them... She stands up for them, and acts as a witness on the agreement that she can't be charged for aiding and abedding..

I wasn't good enough to save..

but they were.

and she even lied for them...

the dates in the paper say from April 26, 1989 (she didn't gt together with him until like 1992-93ish)

my little brother was BORN on Apr 26, 1989

Click here for how I found out about it all...

I burst into tears last night. Bryan heard me and came up to me nearly in tears... he thought he did something wrong

He was charged. That's a good thing. It should make me feel at least a little better right??

It doesn't... it doesn't hurt less though

the fact that my mom.... my own mother, didn't care enough about me to do it for me, but ben and kenny matter enough

I've tried talking to her like my therapist says in the past, but it gets mo nowhere...

She's told people that she thinks I was just having flashbacks from the first guy that did it to me..

the one she is currently friends with on Facebook

Philip Meek

When i asked her how she could be friends with him, her response was "You can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with."

I was like O_o really???

two weeks (approximately) after my 16th birthday... back up.... December 10, 2001, I told David what was going on with my step dad, he called the cops, I ended up being put in custody of my mos friend by police until they could investigate. Nobody believed me. the cops sent me back home a couple weeks later or something, right after my bday. Dec 20. RIGHT after Christmas, we came home from dinner at a restaurant to see a notice on the front door. It was from CPS, saying they were there and would be back, there was a court order to remove custody and me from my mother's care.

She freaked.
Drove me to NC, introduced me to my cousin I'd never met, and told me I'd be living there... taking me away from my brothers and sister. No explanation, no nothing. Backdated POA papers to be a couple days before the CPS people came by, and left me with complete strangers. I came to love them, don't get me wrong.. Patty, Kristine, and Stacie were helpful in ways they'll never understand...

but it doesn't change the fact that she chose him over me.. multiple times.

when we had to go to court, my mom stuck up for him.

got everything dismissed telling them that I wasn't mentally competent to take a lie detector test

this is the same woman who has taken away Dylan(almost 10 now) and Elizabeth(barely 9)

she has Dylan, I worry every day that she will let it happen to him... that he might have it happen to him one day... I would die inside if it did...

Elizabeth lives with her father and brothers... She has a better life with them than I could ever provide her.. I do miss her and Anthony(nearly 7) and Dylan, and Asa(barely 3) so sooo much.

2-8-15

Observational Drawing

Week 2: Assignment 3 Discussion

Assignment 3: Drawing Exercise—Basic Still Life

By Friday, January 30, 2015, create a still life made up of at least three to five overlapping objects, such as a cylinder, a sphere, a cube, and a cone. Make sure the composition is a side-view, positioned on a straight baseline. The objects should be opaque and smooth objects as opposed to glass or reflective metal surfaces, and preferably of white or light, solid color. Do not select objects that have text, graphics, or a great deal of detail or texture on them.

Determine a composition that will include the table or surface plane of your arrangement. Light your scene using a spotlight or a lamp with the shade removed. Position yourself so that your eye-level is slightly above the tallest object. Place your paper on a drawing board or an easel set to one side of you so that you are making minimal head movements to view your scene. Use graphite pencils 2B, 4B, and 6B on your Strathmore drawing paper.

• Relax and take a minute to observe your setup from your drawing position.
• Quickly sketch in your objects, table or surface plane, and cast shadows as basic geometric shapes using a light pencil, 2B. Try to record the entire scene using a quick gestural sketch in the first three to five minutes of the drawing process.
• Keep your eyes on your subject at least 90% of the time and avoid looking down at your paper for prolonged periods.
• Once you've recorded your scene, step back, assess the proportions and perspective, and make any necessary adjustments.
• Use the pencil sighting method explored in W2: Assignment 2 to check for accuracy.
• Draw in light and shadows, or the values that you see as basic shapes using line or broad, blocked-in shapes of tone using shading. 
• Concentrate on refining the perspective so that it is correct and all objects are consistently drawn from the same point of view.
• Gradually, add more detail and refine your drawing to make the objects more precise in form and proportion.
• Switch from your 2B pencil to the softer 4B and 6B, and notice the difference in effects. Switch back and forth between the pencils to match the type of line you want to create.
• When you are finished, you're encouraged to photograph your arrangement to include with your drawing.

My Work:

I struggled with this assignment from the very start. I've never been very good at drawing anything with more then a flat plane and my imagination. Once you introduce that third dimension and shadows, I'm clueless. But, nevertheless, I tried my hardest. I drew this one four times and I had to re-draw it again and again, because I felt it wasn't good enough. My mother is an artist and has already attended school so I asked her if she could give me tips or tricks and she told me to take a non flash picture of my setting that I was to draw and then put it on the computer and flip it upside down. She said that this would force my eyes to see the shapes of everything and not the items themselves. So, I tried it her way and this was my result. Even though it isn't perfect, I would have to say this one is the best out of all of the ones I did complete. I plan to keep practicing, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. I did include a picture of what I was drawing, but only because I think it might help in getting feedback from the instructor if she could see where I went wrong.

Instructor Feedback: 

Hi Bridgette,

Thank you for posting your basic still life! I've recorded a VoiceThread video ( under the introductory prompt on this page) for you.
https://voicethread.com/share/6500772/ The top video is the lecture. The bottom video contains your feedback. You are fifteenth on this recording. Please feel free to post questions or comments if needed. Thank you,

Pat

1-28-15

Observational Drawing

Week 2: Assignment 2 Discussion

Assignment 2: Sighting Discussion

By Wednesday, January 28, 2015, complete the following exercise:

The first step in drawing is to understand the basic structure or geometric shape of the object you are trying to depict. In addition, it is important to be able to depict the surface your arrangement is sitting on. Set up a still life with three objects of different simple shapes (i.e., a book, a cube-shaped box, a ball, a can, a kitchen funnel, etc.). To establish the baseline or surface plane of the composition, arrange your objects on a straight horizontal plane such as a table. Position yourself in front of the arrangement, with your eye level just slightly above the tallest object so that your table line runs parallel to the bottom edge of the paper. Visually simplify each object by imagining the geometric shape or a combination of shapes that it most closely resembles. Consider how the bottom plane of each object connects to the surface of the table and work to ground your objects convincingly. Use a #2 or a #4 graphite pencil.

Use the pencil sighting method to determine the scale and relationships between your objects using a basic unit of measurement, and make sketch lines where your measurements fall. Keep the measurement lines visible and lightly sketch in your objects as simple geometric shapes.

This should not be a detailed rendering. It is an exercise in using sighting to create a simplified sketch of your composition. An additional step may include blocking in a broad indication of the big lights/big darks.

Written Discussion
Write a one- to two-paragraph response that addresses the following exploration of technique: In your own words, describe your experience using sighting. Explain how you used the technique of sighting to draw your subject in proportion.

Your answers should be based upon your personal experience with this exercise, as well as the course content and assigned readings, should utilize relevant vocabulary, and should be written using correct spelling and grammar. Post your sketch with your written response to the appropriate Discussion Area.

Revisions

Submitting a revised assignment based on feedback from your instructor is strongly encouraged. This will help ensure that your assignment is completed correctly and allow you to develop your work to its fullest potential. Revisions provide an opportunity to improve your grade and are due by the end of the week. Instructor feedback on revisions will be included in the Gradebook.

My Work: 

For this assignment I had taken the three items (a paperback book, a ball from my son’s bedroom, and a cylindrical box of salt) and I arranged them at least a dozen times before I was pleased with the placement. I wanted to make sure that the objects were close enough together to show relation to one another, but not too close as to over crown each other. I had to take the items and out them up on a folding chair on top of my kitchen table to be able to have the objects have a good grasp on where the horizon line was asked to be in the assignment. After I finally had the objects set up to where I felt comfortable, I took a few minutes to make sure I was using the correct procedure for sighting, I used the tip of my pencil and the closest point of the paperback book spine as my basic unit of measurement. I found that making the image show a spatial relationship was a lot harder than I initially thought it would be. Especially with the sphere. I used cross contour lines to try and depict a third dimension for the ball. I believe that I did obtain a good concept of proportion in my drawing as far as relating how large each object was to each other, however I also know that I have a lot of improvement needed for this to be perfect.

My Instructor's Feedback: 

Hi Bridgette,

Thanks for re-posting and very nice work on your drawing using the sighting method. I've recorded a VoiceThread video (under) for you.
https://voicethread.com/share/6493566/ The top video is the lecture. The bottom video contains your feedback. You are ninth on this recording. Please feel free to post questions or comments if needed. Thank you,

1-25-15

Alright, new year, new apartment, new life, new start.... I'm a student at The Art Institute of Pittsburgh and I've decided that I'm going to start showing off my work. This is MY Journal and as the title states, my Escape.. so I'm going to do whatever I want... I'm going to be sharing assignments as I complete them. Not for any specific reason... just because I feel like it.. But first, the course descriptions::


The classes I'm taking right now are: 

and 

:-) Assignments will follow as the ones I've already completed, and then the rest will be in succession. 

9-23-14

Well, today was a lot better than the last few weeks... yesterday she got out of jail and RAN to me to hug and kiss me and I ... I just felt so loved! :) I think that if I can find a way to get her to talk to me more often that we might be able to just work through this all!

She has a procedure tomorrow so I was going to not even bother about her sleeping on the couch, just let her have the bed since she has the thing tomorrow for the essure thing, but she decided to sleep on the couch and let me sleep in the bed... we are going to watch a few episodes of Shameless and then head to bed... good night :)


Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

So her court was supposed to start at 10, but it's already noon, the court house is closing for lunch and she hasn't been seen yet. Nobody has... I don't know what's going on but I don't like it. Bryan and I are going to go home, nap, eat, and then going to go back at 1:30... hopefully they're closer to having arraignments by then,....

Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

Well, Sheryl has court today... Just got Taea up for school... Sheryl's mom said she'd watch Eryn and Micah... so Bryan and I are going to go to the court house and see which room she's in and then her arraignment is at 10. I'm so hoping that this goes well... I'm so scared for her. I hope she's holding up alright. I miss her so much.


Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

7-9-14

So... I've moved again.. this time to Washington. I'm also dating a girl.. her name is Sheryl. her fiance's name is Bryan. They're pagan as well. 

Sheryl is pagan, Bryan is Wiccan... 

Sometimes I feel like I'm a third wheel... I mean, Sheryl is beautiful and kind, and Bryan is a really great guy. I just don't want them to feel like I'm in the way... but I'm.... I'm scared they're gonna feel like I'm messing up their relationship. 

I'm so much bigger physically than Sheryl is though. I feel so very unattractive. I only have 2 pairs of pants, I'm too fat to fit into anything, but I don't want to ask them to get me clothes because I feel bad asking. I feel like I'm where I belong, but I don't want them to feel like I'm using them. So I try not to ask for things. I almost had a panic attack today asking for index cards and a crayon box. I just.... I don't want them to feel like I'm a leech. I miss some things about Ohio, but Bill made me feel so smothered, and I wasn't IN love with him. I am in love with Sheryl, and I love Bryan as well... I just hope that following my heart isn't the wrong path...

Well, I'm tired. more another day. 


Birdie Lou'

5-12-12

Dylan is going to be 7 tomorrow... 

It's also Mother's Day.... but my mom won't let me see him :( 

It's just not fair....

But I do have good news....

 I have a job!!! 

I start Monday (day after tomorrow)

I have no way TO... or FROM work... and I also need to move Eryn into a different Daycare... 

I have 36 hours approximately, to get all this figured out.

Wish me luck. I'm in this alone... or at least it feels like I am... But I'm hoping that something works out.. soon. 

I need a break. 

Love
Always

Birdie Lou'

5-3-12

Hey... So I'm torn now...

Rob and I have decided.... well, mostly Rob....
that we are going to take things slow. I'm going to get a place just for me and Eryn and let the chips fall where they may... See and visit the kids and get to know them better and see where things go... Problem is....

I let someone in.... past my wall... Problem is... he'll be leaving soon.. He's got a whole life out in Indiana. and I'm not going to try to force anyone to stay in my life and Eryn's life that doesn't want to be here. I'll just hurt... like always... it's whatever... I'll live..

I'm going to try and sleep.... night :) 

Love, 
Always, 

Birdie Lou'

4-23-12

Here I go... 

I leave this hotel today.... In 12 Hours I'll be at Family Promise! I will be doing everything in my power to prove my love to my family. I will stop at nothing to prove my love. I need them. I miss my family. Rob keeps telling me he loves me. Everytime I read it, my heart skips a beat. I love him...  am so freaking IN LOVE with him... I am going to do this.. I am going to give him the power to destroy me.. inside and out.. and I am going to trust him not to. 

I am going to bed.. I wish he was here...

Love, 
Always, 
Birdie Lou' 

4-22-12

Okay, so I meant to write last night... I really did... but I ended up talking to my friend Angelique until I literally fell asleep on the phone.. Yesterday, Rob texted me and told me that Tracy is still looking for me. I wish she would just leave me alone. I love my kids. I know I fucked up in the past, but I'm trying to fix it now. 
Plus...
Technically...
it's really none of her business. I realize she has been their mommy for almost 4 years... but seriously? She needs to be an adult. 

I was told today that Ace has a new email adress... 

fubridgette@gmail.com

I mean...really??? Grow up man! I am so glad that I am done playing his games. From now on, the people I have in my life are going to be there by choice... not force... Only positive people, and only people who support me loving my children. I grew up... It's time to get rid of those who haven't. I have one more thing for Ace though....

NO MORE HARM

By the powers of three

I bind thee Ace

from harm upon others

and harm upon me

By the powers of three

I bind thee Ace

from harm upon others

and harm upon me

By the powers of three

I bind thee Ace

from harm upon others

and harm upon me

Blessed Be and Solemn Speak

and.....

Now it's time for lunch! Man I can't wiat to get all this situated... 

1. Family Promise
2. Eryn Childcare
3. Job
4. Place to live minimum 3bdrm
5. Pray he's as true as I am
6. vehicle & license

All in that order....

My 30 day goal is number 1-4.. and it starts tomorrow...

I won't give up

Ever..!! 

Love

Always

Birdie Lou'

4-21-12

Hey...

Sooooo......

I am so freaking nervous... I sure hope Rob is okay...




(fell asleep typing)

4-21-12

Alrighty,

Well... I went to Family Promise today. Moving in Monday. After that I'm going to do everything I can to get childcare and then a job. after that, save up for a 3bdrm apt and then taking the biggest leap of faith ever.. I am going to ask Robert to move in with me.,
He and the kids... I will stop at nothing to show my family my love for them. Everything in me is scared to death. But I am going to open my eyes, give my heart to my children, and pray that Robert climbs my walls to show love to my heart. 


Love, 
Always, 
Birdie Lou'

4-21-12

HE SAID HE LOVES ME! 

I might not have lost my family after all! 

I was talking to Candi and I realized Rob was crying... 

I hung up on my sister and rushed over to him.. 

He told me the truth, that he doesn't really love Tracy, and that he still loves me.  I let him know that I want HIM to be happy. I made him give me his word that whichever path he chooses, that it'll be for HIM not me... not the kids... not Tracy... HIM ... his happiness alone.... He says that he wants me back... I am excited , nervous, scared.... I really miss him... and I don't want to mess up my being able to see my kids.. I really miss my kids. I don't want to ruin the chance to be in their lives. But also... I want my family that we... Rob and I planned.... I guess only time will tell. 

I am still planning on going to Family Promise (shelter)... getting a job... and a place to live.
But I will not give up on my family. My entire existence now is based on me following this plan... 

1. my kids
2. my love(Robert)
3. myself

I will do everything I can to make them happy and proud of me. Time for bed.. 

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

P.S. I'm thinking about going back to church! 

4-20-12

OMG... omg omg omg....

He's on his way over here... I am so nervous... is this normal? Is seeing him going to hurt? Will the pain be unbearable? 

I wish this was easier... 

I am glad he's willing to still be friends. 

Tracy had better realize what he's worth. She needs to start being grateful that he's with her. She must be really special inside and out to get an amazing guy like Robert to love her so much. 

**Wishes them happiness**

Well... He'll be here soon... I hope that I don't do something to upset him.

Wish me luck...


Love, 
Always,

Birdie Lou'