7-1-19

Shower, then bedtime for me. I'm kinda done trying today. I was good for like a minute... but then everything exploded. I get left out of everything. I'm told I'm important but when it comes down to it, I'm not even close. You go and do everything huge and fun with everyone else and never think to invite me. You invite my kid sometimes, but not both of them, and you make me feel like you don't love one as much as the other. Not even as much as you love the other kids that also aren't..... nevermind... I might not be able to go to things, but I would feel so much more... cared about, or thought about if I got an invite. You don't even call or ask if I can or want to go. You're always going everywhere with your real siblings, but I'm an afterthought. You go to fun places and post pics "having fun with my family" and I get it, they're your family too... but I never even get invited. It hurts me more than I'd like to admit. Even if I had to decline, I'd know that you thought about me and wanted me around if you invited me. "Hey we're going to do this thing on this day, wanna come?"


I invite you to things, but you decline and all I get is tossed aside while you go all over and do fun things with everyone else. I even offered to pay the entire way and you still don't want to do things with me. 😞


I've tried getting the guts to tell you this many times, but everytime I do, I chicken out because I'm afraid of your reaction. I'm afraid you'll tell me I'm right and then I won't even have you.


I have no real family I guess.

• My mom is ....my mom, and she's tossed me aside more than once, so I don't have a mom.
• My dad... is no dad... I don't want to be associated with him in any way. I wasn't important enough to him as a child, and as an adult, he let me down in more way than one... so... no, I don't have one of those.
• My middle, younger brother wrote me off a couple years before he committed suicide, and I never got the chance to tell him I still love and care about him no matter what he thinks of me, and that's going to eat away at me forever.
• My oldest younger sister came out to me as trans MTF and when I told her I accepted and supported her 100%, she stopped talking to me and to this day, I have no idea why... but I still love her.
• My youngest little sister that I wanted so badly and prayed for and love with everything I have in me, probably doesn't even know I exist because my mom refuses to let me talk to any of them.
• My youngest little brother.. knows I exist, but never talks to me and I don't know why. I haven't seen either of the last two in...almost a decade...
• My one older brother is gay and idk why, but one day he just stopped talking to me. No warning, no nothing... I message him from time to time checking in and telling him I care about him, but never get a response.
• My other older brother hated me (or so I thought) until recently when I got to go to his wedding, which was the first time I'd ever spent more than 30 mins with him....ever.. but I still don't know where we stand there.
• and then there's you... You're successful, don't depend on anyone, have custody of all your kids, they both have the same dad, they're doing so many great things to make you proud every day, you get to go to amusement parks all the time, and trips out of state, and go do so much with them and you never have to worry about if you do this, will you have money for rent, or insurance, or anything. I see pics you post on fb all the time when you go on driving vacations... different states, attractions... you invite everyone else.. but I get overlooked and forgotten about. You bring everyone else... think about everyone else... but never me.

My feelings don't matter though, so I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not like you're ever going to read it. Because I won't tell you where it is. I'm to scared that me telling you this will push you away like my thoughts and feelings push away everyone else I care about.

8-27-15

I think about you all the time. How we talked about weddings. And the fun we had when we were kids. Helping you with your homework. You trying to teach me how to dance lol. I can't believe it's been a month since my entire world shifted. It's not the first time, but...it...I never thought I'd be getting that call. Just goes to show you.... You need to live life each day as it comes because tomorrow isn't promised. :( I love you Kristine. Always and forever cuz. ❤️💛💚💙💜

Soul knows Soul

When I think about first love,

I remember not saying goodbye

We stayed up all night together

24 hours on the phone

We became miles apart;

The closest thing to staying in your arms was hearing your voice as I drifted to sleep.

We were too proud to say it out loud

The truth we both feared.

I said I love you to all my friends,

But it was a coverup

For a different love entirely.

Some truths don’t need to be spoken,

Some beasts are best left unnamed,

But it doesn’t take much to read between the lines

Of our messages when we fantasized

About our lips, bodies, and hands intertwined.

In my dark moments of despair

You could still bring a smile to my face.

I recall, when I told you how much I hated me

You took it upon yourself to write out all the things you loved about me.

I tried to see myself through your adoring eyes

I read your messages countless times.

We burned bright and fast,

And at 18, I could never dream,

Of a world where you weren’t everything to me.

Now, our flame has long been extinguished

The pain of the end continually stabs me

It’s just a strong memory plundering about in my mind.

Your face is just something I see in passing,

But your birthday I still have memorized.

I still think of you when I hear the song that gave you your name,

and I remember what first love was again.

The feeling of never wanting to say goodbye,

But knowing some day you will.

x