3-20-19

"Maybe", "later", and "for now" are the worst words in the English language. 

Uncertainty triggers the worst anxiety. Especially these days, with everyone making such loose plans. Let's just make our plans now and be done with it, thank you very much.

No, a panic attack is not simply freaking out. It's like when you're crying and you cannot breathe and everything will not be OK and it never has been OK and you feel like you're going to die. Stop using the words "panic attack" so loosely... For those of us that have them, they're real, they can be paralyzing, and they suck. 

Waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back asleep because your brain is a spinning wheel of anxiety. 

You have so much to do tomorrow and now you're going to be so tired and you basically ruined everything and oh my god, I accidentally said that weird thing to my boss the other day and now she totally hates me and...UGH! 

Trust me, if I could stop worrying about how I'm going to get all my work done and if I'm going to be late for dinner, I'd stop. You telling me to stop worrying just makes me worry about it even more.

I feel anxiety about the tiniest things. 

My phone is going to run out of battery, even if it's at 53 percent. And why didn't I get invited to that get-together? Oh my god, I forgot to eat breakfast, and now I am going to be late and it's all my fault.

I freak out about being early...or late... — Will it be weird? What will I do while I'm waiting? — but if you're late, you freak out about keeping someone waiting or or having your boss get mad at you or...UGH! 

9-17-18

I'm so sick and tired of always being there for people but when I need a little help, everyone's busy. 

Eryn had a MAJOR meltdown at school today when it was time to get on the bus and when it was time to go she refused to put on her harness or get on the bus and so they called me to come get her. 

I have no car, NO... CAR.... I tell them they have to get her on the bus.. force her if they have to.. get her on that bus... They didn't. They let the bus leave her there.. So now she's stuck at school and I've asked everyone I can think of that's not at work and car 1 is at work until 6 and so is Car 2 and I hate not having a freaking car and Person 1 can't be bothered to help me even though I've helped them, and Person 2 is too far away, Person 3 isn't answering their phone even though I can see them on FACEBOOK!!!! Person 4 isn't even reading my messages and I'm just so tired of things crumbling down around me! I'm done being there for people who are never there for me when I really truly need them...! 

8-2-18

Someone asked me something today that got me thinking... She asked "How are you so fat if you're eating healthy and exercising?"I answered back with a simple thing about how I wasn't always eating healthy and I wasn't taught portion sizes properly and that I'm just now getting into it and I have a long road ahead of me.
She accepted this answer and walked away. but then I got to thinking...
I can and should be doing more for myself. Sure I'm changing my foods and exercising more, but I'm not doing as much as I could be doing for myself or my kids.
I could go out running in the mornings. I could be doing jumping jacks in the living room or using my PiYo discs I OWN or my TaeBo disc I own! but no, I do the bare minimum and then complain when I yoyo my weight around.
Well, I've decided that the only way to become a runner,, is to RUN! and the only way to lose weight is to move faster so it can't catch up with me.
So I'm going to be making a lot of life changes here soon and if you don't like them, fuck you. Some of these changes are for me, some are for my kids, some are just because I fucking feel like it. But all of them will make me a better person in one way or another.xx

8-10-17

J'abandonne.

Je suis si malade et fatigué de chaque petite chose qui pourrait aller mal, aller mal. Je ne peux même pas commencer à expliquer mon dernier mois, mais il est sur le point de réduire énormément les choses 48 heures si je ne trouve pas une issue. Je ne sais pas quoi faire. Personne n'est jamais là pour moi quand j'ai besoin d'aide, mais je suis toujours là pour tout le monde. Je ne peux pas dire trop de gens ce qui se passe ou les gens que je ne veux pas dans mon entreprise le saurons. Aussi, si je ne le dis pas à quelqu'un, je vais exploser! Je ne peux rien faire. Je ne peux pas être le mauvais. Je ne peux pas être le seul à faire des progrès. Je ne peux pas tenir les autres. Je suis une erreur.

Essayez une chose: impasse.

Essayez la deuxième chose: plus grande impasse.

Passez près de deux mille dollars pour une chasse au trésor qui n'a pas de trésor pour moi parce que je ne peux pas être qualifié.

Trouvez quelqu'un qui PEUT aider, mais alors ils ne peuvent aider que si je les trouve un moyen d'aider, alors je cherche des moyens, et je trouve même des impasses mroe.

Vous dites que vous voulez aider, ou que vous essayez, mais tout ce que je vois, c'est les jeux vidéo, la lecture et le fait de dire combien vous ne pouvez pas faire parce que vous avez "essayé".

7-3-15

Week 2: Assignment 3 

Assignment 3: Two-Point Perspective Imaginary Street Scene

This assignment will familiarize you with creating an outdoor scene in two-point perspective with rectangular and triangular prisms. You will also learn how to use horizontal and vertical convergence to create depth in your scene.

By Friday, July 3, 2015, complete the drawing project and post it to this Discussion Area.

Using your pencils, paper, ruler, and your imagination, draw an outdoor street scene in two-point perspective that contains the following elements:

• A building or house with a pitched roof
• A fence, telephone poles, a row of trees, or some other vertical row of objects that uses accurate vertical convergence.
• A road, sidewalk, or some other horizontal element that uses accurate horizontal convergence.

Tips for the drawing process:

1. Create an area measuring about 9x12 inches on your 18x24-inch pad of paper so you have a margin surrounding the drawing area. This will allow you to place your vanishing points outside the edges of the drawing in the margins to create a good composition that effectively uses space.
2. Consider the placement of elements within the drawing to create a well-balanced composition, utilizing foreground, mid-ground, and background.
3. Be sure to correctly overlap the elements in the composition, keeping in mind the placement of their bases/footprints on the ground plane.
4. Even though this drawing needs to be a scene from your imagination, remember that you can use photographs as a reference to add details such as architectural elements or complex objects to your imagined scene.
5. Leave your guidelines lightly sketched in, and then switch to a softer (4B, 6B) pencil to darken the finished shapes to help them stand out against the guidelines. Do not press down hard with your pencil.

My Work:

2-13-15

I just found out that my mom... back up.

I just found out that the man who molested me from ages 6-16 is in prison for 25yrs. In Ohio. Soon to be in the same prison that my biological father (clicking the links below will show you what a grade a citizen he isn't...) is in right now. 

This man (stepfather, not bio dad) is in prison for 25 years for child molestation.

my little brother filed a case against him, just like I did 13+years ago..

but this time, my mom didn't try talking anyone out of it. didn't stand up for him...

13 years ago when I was trying to put him away, my mom covered for him, lied for him, abandoned me in NC with a cousin I had just met HOURS ago, and left to life with the bastard for 5 more years before leaving him. and she didn't leave him, she told my dad he was a bad guy and my dad threatened to kill him, so stepfather left.

13yrs ago, when I needed my mommy, when I needed anyone, when I lost a great friend and more to a fucking drunk asshole in Toledo because he was coming to get me... My mother, chose him..

But when it comes down to my little brothers saying the same things I said, saying how he did things to them... She stands up for them, and acts as a witness on the agreement that she can't be charged for aiding and abedding..

I wasn't good enough to save..

but they were.

and she even lied for them...

the dates in the paper say from April 26, 1989 (she didn't gt together with him until like 1992-93ish)

my little brother was BORN on Apr 26, 1989

Click here for how I found out about it all...

I burst into tears last night. Bryan heard me and came up to me nearly in tears... he thought he did something wrong

He was charged. That's a good thing. It should make me feel at least a little better right??

It doesn't... it doesn't hurt less though

the fact that my mom.... my own mother, didn't care enough about me to do it for me, but ben and kenny matter enough

I've tried talking to her like my therapist says in the past, but it gets mo nowhere...

She's told people that she thinks I was just having flashbacks from the first guy that did it to me..

the one she is currently friends with on Facebook

Philip Meek

When i asked her how she could be friends with him, her response was "You can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with."

I was like O_o really???

two weeks (approximately) after my 16th birthday... back up.... December 10, 2001, I told David what was going on with my step dad, he called the cops, I ended up being put in custody of my mos friend by police until they could investigate. Nobody believed me. the cops sent me back home a couple weeks later or something, right after my bday. Dec 20. RIGHT after Christmas, we came home from dinner at a restaurant to see a notice on the front door. It was from CPS, saying they were there and would be back, there was a court order to remove custody and me from my mother's care.

She freaked.
Drove me to NC, introduced me to my cousin I'd never met, and told me I'd be living there... taking me away from my brothers and sister. No explanation, no nothing. Backdated POA papers to be a couple days before the CPS people came by, and left me with complete strangers. I came to love them, don't get me wrong.. Patty, Kristine, and Stacie were helpful in ways they'll never understand...

but it doesn't change the fact that she chose him over me.. multiple times.

when we had to go to court, my mom stuck up for him.

got everything dismissed telling them that I wasn't mentally competent to take a lie detector test

this is the same woman who has taken away Dylan(almost 10 now) and Elizabeth(barely 9)

she has Dylan, I worry every day that she will let it happen to him... that he might have it happen to him one day... I would die inside if it did...

Elizabeth lives with her father and brothers... She has a better life with them than I could ever provide her.. I do miss her and Anthony(nearly 7) and Dylan, and Asa(barely 3) so sooo much.

2-12-15

Why wasn't I good enough to save? 

Why didn't you stick up for me when i needed it? 

Why did you let it happen for over a decade without helping me? 

Why couldn't you do that for me? 

Why are they better than me? 

All these questions circle my mind daily... 

I want to hate you. I should hate you. 

But instead... I miss you. 

I miss talking to you. 

I wonder if I'd be different, had you been there for me when I needed it. The way I needed you. 

Would I be better? Would I be worse? 

Would the nightmares still come? 

Would I still be...me? 

Do you think it made me stronger when you didn't help me? 

Do you think it helped me grow? 

Did you know I still remember every detail? Every smell, every touch, every demand he made of me? 

Did you know that I was scared while it was happening? 

What about my sister? Did he do that to her? Did he hurt her like he hurt me? 

Did she tell you like I told you? 

Did you ignore her cries for help? 

Why did you choose him over me? Why would you abandon me when I needed you most? 

 And the memories never faded..... Not even after decades passed.. It's still right up front. It still haunts me. But you won't ever care about me like I needed you to. I'm faulty. Broken. And for whatever reason... You weren't there when I needed you the most. 

2-8-15_3

Observational Drawing

Week 3: Assignment 3 Discussion

Assignment 3: Drawing Exercise—Egg Still Life

By Friday, February 6, 2015, create a still-life arrangement using at least three eggs as your subject matter. The key objective in this assignment is a fully rendered, smooth surface using the entire value scale, so the less detail in the scene the better. Do not include reflective surfaces or glass objects. Consider the surface that your subject is on and include cast shadows as part of your composition.

• Start this project by creating a value scale using various vine charcoal, compressed charcoal sticks, and charcoal pencils. This should run along one side of your composition as in the example.
• Again, take some time to set up your light source so that your shadows are extreme.
• Once you are satisfied with the lighting, take a moment to observe your setup from your drawing position, note your eye level, and work to maintain it throughout the drawing process.
• Use your vine charcoal to quickly sketch in your scene lightly and loosely in the first three to five minutes of the drawing process.
• Step back and assess proportions and perspective using the sighting methods discussed in Week 2.
• Then, start to block in the darkest tone first, using charcoal sticks to render an image of the scene in front of you.
• Consider that the entire picture plane should be in tone with the exception of the brightest highlights, or the areas closest to the light source.
• Gradually, move tone out of the darkest areas by slowly releasing pressure on your drawing tool(s).
• Begin blending and creating gradual transitions using one or all of your blending tools, such as a chamois cloth, plastic eraser, or blending stump.
• Continue to refine and add detail to your drawing. As you do this, continuously assess the consistency of your light source—textures should be rendered based on a consistent light source, just as objects are. Consider that only the areas of the scene that are closest to the light source will be whitest (where the white of the paper shows through) and the areas that are blocked from or farthest away from the light source will be darkest or black.
• When you are finished, you're encouraged to photograph your arrangement to include with your drawing.

My Work: 

I am so sorry that this assignment is so late. I did not have any eggs, not even plastic ones, so I had to wait until payday to be able to go buy some for this assignment.
I feel that I did a much better job on this one than I did with the sphere. It did seem that the longer I looked at the setting, the more shadows I saw. Even the shadows seemed to have shadows. I tried my hardest to get the lightest lights correct, and I know that the first egg isn't great. I did re-draw this a few times as well, but I like how this one came out.

My Instructor Feedback: 

Hi Bridgette,

Thank you for posting your egg still life drawing! I've recorded a VoiceThread video for you. 

https://voicethread.com/share/6522446/

You are tenth on this recording. Please feel free to post questions or comments if needed. Thank you,

Pat

Classmate Feedback: 

Formal critique for Bandell Bridgette ...........................Timothy Courtney 2/9/2015 10:57:18 AM



I do not have a big critique since you did a outstanding job on this assignment. You have your shading down and the texture as well I can really tell that it is smooth and I can also tell where the light source is coming from as well. I say keep on keeping on. You seem to know what you are doing.

1-24-15

Quitting smoking is proving to be harder this time than it was last time... I swear I'm just... I want one, but I don't WANT one... I also have had a lapse in counseling visits My counselor went out of town and rescheduled everyone so I won't be seeing her again until almost March, I mis my sister, I am trying to plan a wedding without knowing what the heck I'm doing... I just wish I could get a job... my mind is all over the place and I'm doing my best to get everything done, but if al I do is keep the house clean and kids alive, happy, clean-ish, and fed, I'm happy... lol Just wish this quitting smoking thing was easier. :/