Showing posts with label trying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trying. Show all posts

Saturday, February 22, 2020

2-22-2020

I don't even know why I try. The harder I try, the less I get. I do everything for them... and nothing I get in return. They don't even care. None of them do. I spent all night and morning in the hospital worried sick about my son because he said he wanted to commit suicide I come home and all they want to do is play on their phones and complain that there's nothing to do. All I want is to spend time with my kids.. But what do I get? "I'm sorry" without any real proof by way of showing it with actions because they say "sorry" and then they go back to devices. 


My older two won't call me mom. I'm "Bridgette" no matter how hard I try, they won’t even try. It's so hard. I'm supportive, I show I'm invested and interested in things they want to tell me. I try my hardest to show up for everything they ask me to be there for. Nothing I do is good enough for them. 


This is all I ever get... Kids that ignore me and just use me as a scape goat for bullshit. I sacrifice sleep, plans, gas, everything a parent should for my kids... all of them... and what do I get? Lied to, stolen from, and used. 

"I'm sorry mom" for acting like a brat and getting my phone after you made it clear you didn't want us to because you wanted to watch a movie and spend time together...
*goes right back to phone and plays videos*

Like... seriously???


What the hell?

This is all I ever see!!

I'm in tears and instead of listening and putting down devices, they decide that they're going to all go bake a cake.


ALL I WANTED WAS AN HOUR AND A HALF OF TIME!


BUT NO...

they spent two and a half hours as far away as they could, making a cake "for me" so they could feel better.

 I understand that they think they're helping, but it's not helping.... I just wanted to watch one movie with them and play a game of D&D.

They obviously just want to come over here so they can have a new place to play on phones and do nothing. SO, whatever.


Wednesday, September 19, 2018

9-17-18



I'm so sick and tired of always being there for people but when I need a little help, everyone's busy. 

Eryn had a MAJOR meltdown at school today when it was time to get on the bus and when it was time to go she refused to put on her harness or get on the bus and so they called me to come get her. 

I have no car, NO... CAR.... I tell them they have to get her on the bus.. force her if they have to.. get her on that bus... They didn't. They let the bus leave her there.. So now she's stuck at school and I've asked everyone I can think of that's not at work and car 1 is at work until 6 and so is Car 2 and I hate not having a freaking car and Person 1 can't be bothered to help me even though I've helped them, and Person 2 is too far away, Person 3 isn't answering their phone even though I can see them on FACEBOOK!!!! Person 4 isn't even reading my messages and I'm just so tired of things crumbling down around me! I'm done being there for people who are never there for me when I really truly need them...! 

Friday, August 3, 2018

8-3-18

10 Common MYTHS About Bipolar Disorder


1.) It’s all in my head.

   --I’m not looking for an excuse to explain my erratic behavior and racing thoughts on. This isn’t even something I wanted. I was told I have it and tried to deny it and prove them wrong only to be proven wrong myself and proving them right anyways...
2.) Bipolar disorder is another name for people with “mood swings”  --I wish it was that easy... but no, it’s not even close. The mood swings are more severe, longer lasting, and they impact my ability to continually care for basic needs such as holding a job or showering daily.

3.) People with BiPolar disorder are all creative geniuses.  --Not..true.. some of us are. some of us aren’t. My manic episodes start off as me thinking I’m going to do this big amazing thing and then starting it only to get about halfway through it and lose focus or drive and then I’m so tired I can’t even think of anything but that I want to finish what I started but I’m so tired that I can’t and so I don’t... I don’t NOT do it because I won’t want to.. I don’t because I physically can’t talk my arms into moving, or I can’t get my legs to go to the spot or get in the shower and then I have to tell myself how horrible I am because I can’t even do this simple basic necessity...
4.) People with BiPolar switch back and forth from mania to depression all the time, or are ill all of the time.   --Nope. In fact, my manic episodes can last for up to a week and go away with no warning... or I can go weeks or even months appearing and BEING fully functioning without a symptom and then all of a sudden.... bam... I’m so down that I can’t figure out what day of the week it is. 
5.) People with BiPolar feel great and happy when they’re manic.  --For some people, the mania is a feel good thing. It can FEEL like a happy UP time.. because you’re manic. But this is not a one size fits all diagnosis for a one size fits all disease. This is something that is different for each person. It’s easy to feel euphoric during a manic cycle for some, but for others it can be chaotic and mixed. I have been manic AND depressed at the same time. I have to get up and do something but I’m so depressed that I don’t see why I’m alive so I have to find things to fill the void. So I become hyper sexual or take unnecessary risks and purchase things I can’t and shouldn’t buy or afford because all I can see is the right now and the here and now are all I can focus on. But then when I come down, it’s like the depression or mood stayed the same, but the energy and drive went away so I’m down down down all over again but worse than a normal day. Some peoples’ mania can be explosive anger or abusive outbursts. Others can be one panic attack into another and another into another and you become so paranoid that the people across the street walking their dog must be watching you because they stopped for more than a second and what kind of person does that(going a million miles a second through your head) or insomnia for days on end... it’s not pretty or fun.
6.) Recovery isn’t possible.   --This is not true.. With the correct treatment plan and help and sometimes, yes,.. even medication regimen.. BiPolar is manageable and can be lived with in a healthy way. You can have months and months where you’re symptom free not because you aren’t BiPolar... but because your treatment and mind over matter are stronger than your diagnosis and you are handling it in a healthy way. Comprehensive care is key. This means counseling, therapy, medication, diet and lifestyle changes and even sometimes, a change in who you hang out with. Some people aren’t good for your mental health and need to be cut free. If they aren’y helping your healthy changes, then they need to be let go. Getting enough sunlight, getting regular exercise, eating better, taking our meds daily and even though this may seem easy for those without BiPolar, it’s hard for us who have it. Some days I’m great. diet...check, take my meds...check, went for my walk...check, made sure I got sleep...check, kept record of my foods and didn’t skip breakfast...check. But others, this is impossible to where I’ll get 4 days in and realize I haven’t slept and don’t remember the last time I ate was and if I took my meds last night. Recovery is possible, but it is an every..single..day..hard..mindful..lifetime exercise. 
7.) Manic Depression is different from BiPolar Disorder  --Wrong.. It’s the exact same thing but with a new name because they learned more things about BiPolar and decided that simply calling it Manic Depression wasn’t enough. There are many types of BiPolar disorder and Manic Depression is just a blanket term used before the psychologists truly understood BiPolar or knew there were different types... 
8.) Once BiPolar is under control, we don’t need to take medications anymore.  --This, as outlined in number 6 above, is wrong as well.. BiPolar episodes can last for days, weeks, months, or even years in some. So to say that we are better now and don’t need meds is wrong. The reason we are better is because of our meds and if we stop taking them, the bad stuff comes rushing back and most times at a lightning speed never before witnessed and we become worse and worse each time. Many people believe they only need to take their meds on bad days and this is not true. In order to have continuous good days we need to continually take our meds to balance out our brain’s neurons and keep everything level. It would be amazing if we never had to take our meds again once we were better.. but the truth is, it’ll never be better.. it’s just how managed your BiPolar is with medication(s). Rising cost of meds, the medication roulette our doctors put us through trying to find the right medication or mixture of medications it’s going to take to regulate our moods and the chemicals in our brains. The constantly changing side effects and regulating to new meds if your body adapts to the medication.. it’s tiring,. it really is... but if we were to stop taking the meds once we thought we were better... we would relapse and like any other disease, would have to reap some pretty horrible consequences. 
9.) Children can’t have BiPolar OR You can’t be diagnosed until you’re 18 years old.  --While it’s hard to tell the difference between BiPolar symptoms and age appropriate mood swings as well as hard to diagnose, but children as young as 6 yrs old have been diagnosed. You just have to look harder and examine a lot more in depth because an improper diagnosis can cause harm if you improperly medicate an adolescent for BiPolar, but it IS possible and is DOES happen. 
and finally... 
10.) There’s a test for BiPolar.  --No, there’s not... there are symptoms displayed and when a professional is vigilant in seeing the symptoms for what they are, they can all be put together to show BiPolar and it MUST be diagnosed by a professional.

Being BiPolar is not a fun thing to walk around telling people that you are or laughing off and joking around about.... It is a real, sometimes painful thing that a lot of people suffer from daily. 

Thursday, August 2, 2018

8-2-18



Someone asked me something today that got me thinking... She asked "How are you so fat if you're eating healthy and exercising?"I answered back with a simple thing about how I wasn't always eating healthy and I wasn't taught portion sizes properly and that I'm just now getting into it and I have a long road ahead of me.
She accepted this answer and walked away. but then I got to thinking...
I can and should be doing more for myself. Sure I'm changing my foods and exercising more, but I'm not doing as much as I could be doing for myself or my kids.
I could go out running in the mornings. I could be doing jumping jacks in the living room or using my PiYo discs I OWN or my TaeBo disc I own! but no, I do the bare minimum and then complain when I yoyo my weight around.
Well, I've decided that the only way to become a runner,, is to RUN! and the only way to lose weight is to move faster so it can't catch up with me.
So I'm going to be making a lot of life changes here soon and if you don't like them, fuck you. Some of these changes are for me, some are for my kids, some are just because I fucking feel like it. But all of them will make me a better person in one way or another.xx

Thursday, August 10, 2017

8-10-17

J'abandonne.

Je suis si malade et fatigué de chaque petite chose qui pourrait aller mal, aller mal. Je ne peux même pas commencer à expliquer mon dernier mois, mais il est sur le point de réduire énormément les choses 48 heures si je ne trouve pas une issue. Je ne sais pas quoi faire. Personne n'est jamais là pour moi quand j'ai besoin d'aide, mais je suis toujours là pour tout le monde. Je ne peux pas dire trop de gens ce qui se passe ou les gens que je ne veux pas dans mon entreprise le saurons. Aussi, si je ne le dis pas à quelqu'un, je vais exploser! Je ne peux rien faire. Je ne peux pas être le mauvais. Je ne peux pas être le seul à faire des progrès. Je ne peux pas tenir les autres. Je suis une erreur.

Essayez une chose: impasse.

Essayez la deuxième chose: plus grande impasse.

Passez près de deux mille dollars pour une chasse au trésor qui n'a pas de trésor pour moi parce que je ne peux pas être qualifié.

Trouvez quelqu'un qui PEUT aider, mais alors ils ne peuvent aider que si je les trouve un moyen d'aider, alors je cherche des moyens, et je trouve même des impasses mroe.

Vous dites que vous voulez aider, ou que vous essayez, mais tout ce que je vois, c'est les jeux vidéo, la lecture et le fait de dire combien vous ne pouvez pas faire parce que vous avez "essayé".


Friday, July 3, 2015

7-3-15


Week 2: Assignment 3 


Assignment 3: Two-Point Perspective Imaginary Street Scene


This assignment will familiarize you with creating an outdoor scene in two-point perspective with rectangular and triangular prisms. You will also learn how to use horizontal and vertical convergence to create depth in your scene.

By Friday, July 3, 2015, complete the drawing project and post it to this Discussion Area.

Using your pencils, paper, ruler, and your imagination, draw an outdoor street scene in two-point perspective that contains the following elements:
  • A building or house with a pitched roof
  • A fence, telephone poles, a row of trees, or some other vertical row of objects that uses accurate vertical convergence.
  • A road, sidewalk, or some other horizontal element that uses accurate horizontal convergence.

Tips for the drawing process:
  1. Create an area measuring about 9x12 inches on your 18x24-inch pad of paper so you have a margin surrounding the drawing area. This will allow you to place your vanishing points outside the edges of the drawing in the margins to create a good composition that effectively uses space.
  2. Consider the placement of elements within the drawing to create a well-balanced composition, utilizing foreground, mid-ground, and background.
  3. Be sure to correctly overlap the elements in the composition, keeping in mind the placement of their bases/footprints on the ground plane.
  4. Even though this drawing needs to be a scene from your imagination, remember that you can use photographs as a reference to add details such as architectural elements or complex objects to your imagined scene.
  5. Leave your guidelines lightly sketched in, and then switch to a softer (4B, 6B) pencil to darken the finished shapes to help them stand out against the guidelines. Do not press down hard with your pencil.


My Work:



Thursday, July 2, 2015

6-2-15


Week 2: Assignment 2

Assignment 2: Basic Shapes in Two-Point Perspective


This assignment will familiarize you with the methods of two-point perspective. You will also learn how to reference the perspective grid to overlap shapes correctly in space and understand how vanishing point placement can influence a two-point perspective drawing.

By Wednesday, July 1, 2015, complete the drawing exercise and post it to this Discussion Area.

  1. Using your drawing pencils, paper, and ruler, first lightly draw a horizon line and label it HL. Then draw two vanishing points on either side of the horizon line and label them VP. Use the two vanishing points to fill the page with cubes, rectangular prisms, and triangular prisms in two-point perspective.
  2. Draw at least three examples of each basic shape: cubes, rectangular prisms, and triangular prisms. This will result in a minimum of nine shapes.
  3. Draw at least two triangular prisms as "pitched roofs" with equal sides on top of rectangular prisms. (Use ”perspective center X” to mark the middle of the side to place the top point of the triangle using the method described in the lecture and reading.)
  4. Overlap at least two shapes on the ground plane, keeping in mind the placement of their bases/footprints.
  5. Leave approximately half of your shapes transparent (see-through) and make the other half opaque (solid) by erasing away the hidden edges. Please do not shade the shapes to make them appear solid.
  6. Draw some shapes above the horizon line, some below the horizon line, and some crossing over the horizon line.
  7. Leave your guidelines lightly sketched in, and then switch to a softer (4B, 6B) pencil to darken the finished shapes to help them stand out against the guidelines. Do not press down hard with your pencil.

My Work:


Bridgette Bandell

Maria Ogedengbe

FNDA120 P02

1 July 2015

Assignment 2: Basic Shapes in Two-Point Perspective


For this composition, I decided to place the Horizon Line a bit low so that I had more space to work with on the top area. I placed my Vanishing Points as far away from each other as I could so that the scene was as believable as possible. I found it a lot easier to draw Two-Point Perspective than it was to draw One-Point Perspective. I made sure to check and make sure the Convergence was as precise as possible. I scanned my composition in so that you could clearly see the guidelines I used in completing my assignment. I did struggle with eyeballing the far angle on the pitched roof that is overlapping the Horizon Line due to the shape being so narrow, but all in all, I feel like I grasped this concept quite well.



Tuesday, June 30, 2015

6-30-15_2


Week 1:  Assignment 2 Discussion

Assignment 2: One-Point Perspective In Action


Original Work:






Instructor Feedback:

You're catching on !

Some of this is really quite good, but there are other areas you can correct - see: http://screencast.com/t/LubDTbp81t



Your presentation looks pretty good, notice the file size we need is 72ppi and about 600 px W x 800 px H.




Revised Work: 




6-30-15


Week 1: Assignment 3 Translating Interiors into Perspective


This assignment will familiarize you with methods used to translate a plan view and elevation view into a one-point perspective view. Observing simple objects and furniture in your own environment, you will be able to visually compare their proportions and illustrate them in your drawing. You will also learn the methods of creating a one-point perspective room interior complete with these simple interior objects.

By Friday, June 26, 2015, complete the following drawing assignment and post it to this Discussion Area.

Download and print out the plan view, elevation view, and perspective view grid templates provided below. Choose at least 4 objects found in your own home and compare the heights and widths of these objects using the sighting method discussed in this week’s lectures. Using your pencils and a ruler, translate these objects and observed measurements to your plan view and elevation view templates, creating an interior space. Be sure to keep objects consistently placed in each view of the space. Include the following:
At least 4 objects in the layout of the room, observed from your own home. Place these objects within both grid layouts. Avoid too much detail on the objects, keep the shapes basic.
One window or one door referenced in both grid layouts.

Using the completed plan view and elevation view grid templates as a guide, translate the objects of your interior to a one-point perspective view using your pencils and a ruler.

Click here to access/download the template



Develop the space slightly to make it feel more three-dimensional. Submit to the Discussion Area.

Revisions


Submitting a revised assignment based on feedback from your instructor is strongly encouraged. This will help ensure that your assignment is completed correctly and allow you to develop your work to its fullest potential. Revisions provide an opportunity to improve your grade and are due by the end of the week. Instructor feedback on revisions will be included in the Gradebook.

Examples


Below are examples of this assignment. Copying these examples will result in a loss of points; be original in your efforts.







MY WORK::





Thursday, February 26, 2015

21 Day Fix or 21 Day Fix Extreme for $10.00

Sunday, February 8, 2015

2-8-15


Observational Drawing

Week 2: Assignment 3 Discussion

Assignment 3: Drawing Exercise—Basic Still Life


By Friday, January 30, 2015, create a still life made up of at least three to five overlapping objects, such as a cylinder, a sphere, a cube, and a cone. Make sure the composition is a side-view, positioned on a straight baseline. The objects should be opaque and smooth objects as opposed to glass or reflective metal surfaces, and preferably of white or light, solid color. Do not select objects that have text, graphics, or a great deal of detail or texture on them.

Determine a composition that will include the table or surface plane of your arrangement. Light your scene using a spotlight or a lamp with the shade removed. Position yourself so that your eye-level is slightly above the tallest object. Place your paper on a drawing board or an easel set to one side of you so that you are making minimal head movements to view your scene. Use graphite pencils 2B, 4B, and 6B on your Strathmore drawing paper.

  • Relax and take a minute to observe your setup from your drawing position.
  • Quickly sketch in your objects, table or surface plane, and cast shadows as basic geometric shapes using a light pencil, 2B. Try to record the entire scene using a quick gestural sketch in the first three to five minutes of the drawing process.
  • Keep your eyes on your subject at least 90% of the time and avoid looking down at your paper for prolonged periods.
  • Once you've recorded your scene, step back, assess the proportions and perspective, and make any necessary adjustments.
  • Use the pencil sighting method explored in W2: Assignment 2 to check for accuracy.
  • Draw in light and shadows, or the values that you see as basic shapes using line or broad, blocked-in shapes of tone using shading. 
  • Concentrate on refining the perspective so that it is correct and all objects are consistently drawn from the same point of view.
  • Gradually, add more detail and refine your drawing to make the objects more precise in form and proportion.
  • Switch from your 2B pencil to the softer 4B and 6B, and notice the difference in effects. Switch back and forth between the pencils to match the type of line you want to create.
  • When you are finished, you're encouraged to photograph your arrangement to include with your drawing.

My Work:


I struggled with this assignment from the very start. I've never been very good at drawing anything with more then a flat plane and my imagination. Once you introduce that third dimension and shadows, I'm clueless. But, nevertheless, I tried my hardest. I drew this one four times and I had to re-draw it again and again, because I felt it wasn't good enough. My mother is an artist and has already attended school so I asked her if she could give me tips or tricks and she told me to take a non flash picture of my setting that I was to draw and then put it on the computer and flip it upside down. She said that this would force my eyes to see the shapes of everything and not the items themselves. So, I tried it her way and this was my result. Even though it isn't perfect, I would have to say this one is the best out of all of the ones I did complete. I plan to keep practicing, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. I did include a picture of what I was drawing, but only because I think it might help in getting feedback from the instructor if she could see where I went wrong.





Instructor Feedback: 


Hi Bridgette,

Thank you for posting your basic still life! I've recorded a VoiceThread video ( under the introductory prompt on this page) for you.
https://voicethread.com/share/6500772/ The top video is the lecture. The bottom video contains your feedback. You are fifteenth on this recording. Please feel free to post questions or comments if needed. Thank you,

Pat

Monday, February 2, 2015

2-2-15

OMG, he's asleep!! 



Bryan hasn't slept in over 3 days for longer than an hour without waking up with the worst tooth pain he says he's ever experienced. He's tried amoxicillan, which worked but only for a few hours at a time, and only if he used the kids pink kind, not the grown up pill form. He tried clove oil and it didn't touch it, peppermint oil, that worked for one night, but only when it was one tooth. Now it's three... We have tried everything I have for pain, motrin, acetaminophen, naproxen(his script), and nothing was helping. Orajel made it worse, his coworker told him to try menthol cough drops, and they didn't do much he said... and then... after looking online and researching and more looking and nearly 4 days.... I found something that smells like spiced jellybeans from my grandma's house. The stuff is called Eugenol... and apparently it tastes like shit (Says Bryan) and the application hurt him some.... but after 5 minutes his pain went from 13(on a scale of 1-10) to 6, and then after 5 more minutes, the pain had died down to where he said it was just a 2(scale of 1-10) and he laid down and fell asleep!! ^_^ 

I'm awake and doing homework so I can't go to bed, but I feel so much better now that I know that my research has paid off and he's feeling better enough to sleep.... he'd been up for 40 hours straight and needed sleep badly. Luckily hes got today and tomorrow off too, and we are supposed to be going to David's Bridal to look at wedding dresses today sometime ^_^ . So hopefully the eugenol helps him through all of that and more! Making him an appointment with a sliding scale dentist tomorrow and hopefully having those teeth removed soon. I can't bear to see him in so much pain. I'm just glad I was able to help. Even if it doesn't help for an extended period of time, a little at a time is better than nothing but waking up hearing him puking his guts our from the pain he's in and having to drink cold water every 30 seconds to try keeping it numb-ish. 

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

1-28-15

Observational Drawing

Week 2: Assignment 1 Practice Exam

Assignment 1: Exam


Grading Summary

Grade Details - All Questions