7-1-19

Shower, then bedtime for me. I'm kinda done trying today. I was good for like a minute... but then everything exploded. I get left out of everything. I'm told I'm important but when it comes down to it, I'm not even close. You go and do everything huge and fun with everyone else and never think to invite me. You invite my kid sometimes, but not both of them, and you make me feel like you don't love one as much as the other. Not even as much as you love the other kids that also aren't..... nevermind... I might not be able to go to things, but I would feel so much more... cared about, or thought about if I got an invite. You don't even call or ask if I can or want to go. You're always going everywhere with your real siblings, but I'm an afterthought. You go to fun places and post pics "having fun with my family" and I get it, they're your family too... but I never even get invited. It hurts me more than I'd like to admit. Even if I had to decline, I'd know that you thought about me and wanted me around if you invited me. "Hey we're going to do this thing on this day, wanna come?"


I invite you to things, but you decline and all I get is tossed aside while you go all over and do fun things with everyone else. I even offered to pay the entire way and you still don't want to do things with me. 😞


I've tried getting the guts to tell you this many times, but everytime I do, I chicken out because I'm afraid of your reaction. I'm afraid you'll tell me I'm right and then I won't even have you.


I have no real family I guess.

• My mom is ....my mom, and she's tossed me aside more than once, so I don't have a mom.
• My dad... is no dad... I don't want to be associated with him in any way. I wasn't important enough to him as a child, and as an adult, he let me down in more way than one... so... no, I don't have one of those.
• My middle, younger brother wrote me off a couple years before he committed suicide, and I never got the chance to tell him I still love and care about him no matter what he thinks of me, and that's going to eat away at me forever.
• My oldest younger sister came out to me as trans MTF and when I told her I accepted and supported her 100%, she stopped talking to me and to this day, I have no idea why... but I still love her.
• My youngest little sister that I wanted so badly and prayed for and love with everything I have in me, probably doesn't even know I exist because my mom refuses to let me talk to any of them.
• My youngest little brother.. knows I exist, but never talks to me and I don't know why. I haven't seen either of the last two in...almost a decade...
• My one older brother is gay and idk why, but one day he just stopped talking to me. No warning, no nothing... I message him from time to time checking in and telling him I care about him, but never get a response.
• My other older brother hated me (or so I thought) until recently when I got to go to his wedding, which was the first time I'd ever spent more than 30 mins with him....ever.. but I still don't know where we stand there.
• and then there's you... You're successful, don't depend on anyone, have custody of all your kids, they both have the same dad, they're doing so many great things to make you proud every day, you get to go to amusement parks all the time, and trips out of state, and go do so much with them and you never have to worry about if you do this, will you have money for rent, or insurance, or anything. I see pics you post on fb all the time when you go on driving vacations... different states, attractions... you invite everyone else.. but I get overlooked and forgotten about. You bring everyone else... think about everyone else... but never me.

My feelings don't matter though, so I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not like you're ever going to read it. Because I won't tell you where it is. I'm to scared that me telling you this will push you away like my thoughts and feelings push away everyone else I care about.

3-20-19

"Maybe", "later", and "for now" are the worst words in the English language. 

Uncertainty triggers the worst anxiety. Especially these days, with everyone making such loose plans. Let's just make our plans now and be done with it, thank you very much.

No, a panic attack is not simply freaking out. It's like when you're crying and you cannot breathe and everything will not be OK and it never has been OK and you feel like you're going to die. Stop using the words "panic attack" so loosely... For those of us that have them, they're real, they can be paralyzing, and they suck. 

Waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back asleep because your brain is a spinning wheel of anxiety. 

You have so much to do tomorrow and now you're going to be so tired and you basically ruined everything and oh my god, I accidentally said that weird thing to my boss the other day and now she totally hates me and...UGH! 

Trust me, if I could stop worrying about how I'm going to get all my work done and if I'm going to be late for dinner, I'd stop. You telling me to stop worrying just makes me worry about it even more.

I feel anxiety about the tiniest things. 

My phone is going to run out of battery, even if it's at 53 percent. And why didn't I get invited to that get-together? Oh my god, I forgot to eat breakfast, and now I am going to be late and it's all my fault.

I freak out about being early...or late... — Will it be weird? What will I do while I'm waiting? — but if you're late, you freak out about keeping someone waiting or or having your boss get mad at you or...UGH! 

7-19-15

If there's one thing that being overweight has taught me it's not to judge someone you don't know. 

As a teenager, I was a mean little piss ant. 

I didn't give a shit if you could hear me laughing at your shoes or hair or weight. And I sure as hell didn't think 

"OMG, what does this person think of what I'm saying!?" 

But I do now. Boy do I. Everyone needs to remember that just because some looks a certain way doesn't make it their fault entirely. 

Maybe someone has a lazy eye. You make fun of them, but it's not like they woke up one morning and went 

"ya know what? I'm gonna make the left eye look down

and to the right all day.."

No overweight person woke up and decided to eat a truck load of twinkles one morning. 

Some of us try really...really hard and nothing changes. 

Weight doesn't come off,

scars don't fade;

and pain stays.

You don't know how hard I try and bust my ass and tell myself not to eat that cake because it's bad for me. But still, I weigh 278lbs. 

No matter what, I weigh 278. I guess you could say it's okay cause at least I'm not getting any bigger. But when people at the gym talk behind your back about 

"yeah, some fatty is pretending to run at 2.5mph" 

*chuckles and high fives his buddy*

I understand that 2.5mph is considered "slow walking" on MyFitnessPal, but when it's coupled with the fact that I was walking(breathlessly run-jogging) at 2.5mph on a level 3 incline(IDK what the numbers mean height wise) and I went for 35 minutes, that's a lot! Especially for someone like me. 

Today, some teenagers were in the parking lot of the store that I walked around in for 40 minutes for no reason. Just to exercise a little. 

Upon getting into the truck, I saw them looking...no...gawking at me. Eyes wide. Jaws slacked. And then one of them one says 

"Oh Em Gee, how can she even walk? 

Her legs must be buckling from under her." 

Now as much as I shouldn't let it bother me because she doesn't know me.... It did. 

It hurt a lot. 

Here I am. Enjoying the day. Taking pride that I burnt like 200 calories walking and this chick just couldn't stop herself. She doesn't even know how hard I try to lose weight to only stay the same weight. I sat in the truck and bawled my eyes out. Hard core just horrible. 

My kids asked me what was wrong and I told them the hot was making me sad because I didn't want my kids to know someone called me a mean name. 

I hope something changed soon because at this rate gonna get more and more depressed at this weight and the inability to make it leave my body. 

And it's gonna kill me slowly.

9-27-14

Well, today was productive. I managed to get all of Micah's room cleaned, his toys organized and completely revamp his room night before last. Last night I got the girls room cleaned up finally.... and removed all the trash and toys and clothes from their room. During the day Sheryl and I went through the girls toys and threw away all the trashed broken or useless ones. Then I managed to wash 14 loads of laundry to get the girls entire wardrobe clean. I'm working through the blankets and sheets now.

I cut tonight.. for the first time in months, I cut myself. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to stop myself so bad. Bill told me he plans to marry this woman and last night told me he had a one night stand with some random chick he met at a store. I am so disapointed in him. I can't believe he has done this. That he is going to marry this woman e has never met and has only known for a couple weeks... all because he wants to be married. He told me he doesn't love her and yet is going to marry her... this made me over the edge sad... upset... hurt... and so many other things all at once.
What happened to the man I looked up to for 8 years? What happened to the man that swore he'd never marry someone he didn't love. Held marriage high and with great honor...? I missed him.... but this isn't the real him. It's a fake shell of someone I used to know. and I don't like it.

I had plans with Sheryl today to try and cuddle and have some us time... but that didn't happen. She never moved from the computer. :( I just want affection. I miss the feeling that I'm needed, loved, and desired. I don't feel pretty... I don't even feel.... attractive in the least.

Nobody ever touches me anymore without me hinting at it. Nobody wants me.
I can't wait for my next counselor appointment. I'm..... I'm just going to hope she has some good ideas on how to deal with this all. Because I'm lost and can't think of what to do and I feel like that little girl in a room that nobody will come into because nobody wants to play with me.

I miss feeling like I'm wanted. I don't feel like Sheryl wants me... not like I used to feel it. She used to hug or kiss me randomly, she stopped...
she used to try hard to get me to lay next to her... she stopped...
I hate sleeping on the couch, I truly do.

I slept in the bed with Bryan last night... it was nice, but, he still has some learning to do.. I'm so frustrated by all of this... I'm horny all the time and can't fix it because nothing helps... I have vibrators and they don't help, I have tried... they only work for a few minutes and then I'm right back up there again.... If I had sex as much as I've been wanting to lately then everyone in this house would think I'm a whore. I think about it constantly. I mean... all the time.... I can't think of anything else most of the time, because I can't get past the horny. I'm so nervous about this procedure ... this vaginal mesh bladder sling thing that the dr wants me to get... I... I'm scared... He said we need to schedule it next week... He was adamant about it too.... I tried getting him to schedule it for the week after next, but he really wants to do it next week... I'm so worried something will happen that I'm just freaking out...

My panic attacks are getting worse each day. I had 4 today alone. I can't handle this much more.
I've applied at a few places to work, but can't find another job. My phone got turned off, so I need a new one and can't afford it... My bills are piling up around me and I have no money to pay them. Something has got to give here because I can't deal with this much longer.... I need to feel like my hopes and dreams and needs matter too... really soon.... because I can't just ignore my needs forever... it'll break me, and I'll end up dying inside... and Eryn needs me.

I think I am going to go take a bath for a while... maybe my vibrator will help me tonight for more than just to postpone it for five minutes...

9-22-14

So her court was supposed to start at 10, but it's already noon, the court house is closing for lunch and she hasn't been seen yet. Nobody has... I don't know what's going on but I don't like it. Bryan and I are going to go home, nap, eat, and then going to go back at 1:30... hopefully they're closer to having arraignments by then,....

Birdie Lou'

9-20-14

Oh my god!
Sheryl was arrested! She and her mother were screaming and fighting and then all of a sudden BAM! She started hitting her and then the cops were called and Sheryl was taken to jail! The cops talked to me and I told them what happened... After she was done talking to them, they told us that she was going to be arrested, I ran outside and gave her a hug and a kiss and stalled as long as I could. I had called Bryan and gotten him home in time to say goodbye. The cops told us that she won't be able to see a judge until Monday!! :(

I'm so scared, what's gonna happen!> Her mom called Taea ugly and was putting her down and this all started because I told her mom that she needed to start pulling some weight around here. Her chores are kitchen, bedroom, and the rule is no smoking in the kids rooms... :( She... It was horrible! Bryan and I are going to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese for dinner tonight... something to get them out of the house, Bryan away from Sheryl's mom, and a place where I can clear my head and think..

I have to make sure I stay calm, because Bryan looks like he's gonna lose it. :(

I have to stay calm.... I can do this... Fixing to leave soon... ttyl

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-17-14

Well... I have homework to do from the counselor... so I've been doing that.... I'm going to scan it and put it into here soon as I can use the scanner in peace and alone... 

I'm going to lay down now....

I'm really tired and drained and have homework late... and I just need to get to bed... 

Goodnight...

Birdie Lou'

9-17-14

Does it hurt that she never let's me get a word in edgewise? That no matter what I do I feel like I'm wrong? I've been on the couch for a week now and I'm lonely. I miss cuddling. I crave affection. I wish that she looked at me the same. She looks at me with disappointment in her eyes. She doesn't even say goodnight anymore. I miss the feelings. The connection we had. It hasn't even been that long and I already feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Maybe I'm unloveable. Maybe I just suck at life. I wish that I had someone to hold me at night. It's so lonely crying myself to sleep on the couch. I love them both. But she doesn't... It's like.... I feel like I was brought here to do all the stuff she doesn't want to do. And it's painful. I want to do things WITH her. :( I just.... I miss feeling like I was needed. I hate the feeling that I'm being pushed away. I have a counseling appt tomorrow... Well... Today... And maybe I'll be able to talk there. But probably not.... 

I want to be held. I want to feel warm. I... I miss feeling like I'm owned. :'( 

I want.....this. :'( 

Goodnight... 

Until next time. :( 

Birdie Lou' 

5-12-12

Dylan is going to be 7 tomorrow... 

It's also Mother's Day.... but my mom won't let me see him :( 

It's just not fair....

But I do have good news....

 I have a job!!! 

I start Monday (day after tomorrow)

I have no way TO... or FROM work... and I also need to move Eryn into a different Daycare... 

I have 36 hours approximately, to get all this figured out.

Wish me luck. I'm in this alone... or at least it feels like I am... But I'm hoping that something works out.. soon. 

I need a break. 

Love
Always

Birdie Lou'

5-3-12

Hey... So I'm torn now...

Rob and I have decided.... well, mostly Rob....
that we are going to take things slow. I'm going to get a place just for me and Eryn and let the chips fall where they may... See and visit the kids and get to know them better and see where things go... Problem is....

I let someone in.... past my wall... Problem is... he'll be leaving soon.. He's got a whole life out in Indiana. and I'm not going to try to force anyone to stay in my life and Eryn's life that doesn't want to be here. I'll just hurt... like always... it's whatever... I'll live..

I'm going to try and sleep.... night :) 

Love, 
Always, 

Birdie Lou'

3-17-12

Anthony is 4 today... I wonder if he knows his ABCs yet. I wonder so much and so so many things... Does he have a favorite color? 
What's his favorite food?
Does he have my blue eyes or Robert's brown eyes?
How Big is he?
How big are his hands compared to mine?
What's his favorite cartoon?
Does he even watch cartoons?
Does he know how to ride a bike?
Would he know my voice?
Do he and Elizabeth fight?
How tall is he?
What color is his hair?

I hope his birthday is amazing. 

I love you Anthony... Mommy loves you... I'm so sorry I failed.. 

Love,
Always,
Birdie Lou'

Soul knows Soul

When I think about first love,

I remember not saying goodbye

We stayed up all night together

24 hours on the phone

We became miles apart;

The closest thing to staying in your arms was hearing your voice as I drifted to sleep.

We were too proud to say it out loud

The truth we both feared.

I said I love you to all my friends,

But it was a coverup

For a different love entirely.

Some truths don’t need to be spoken,

Some beasts are best left unnamed,

But it doesn’t take much to read between the lines

Of our messages when we fantasized

About our lips, bodies, and hands intertwined.

In my dark moments of despair

You could still bring a smile to my face.

I recall, when I told you how much I hated me

You took it upon yourself to write out all the things you loved about me.

I tried to see myself through your adoring eyes

I read your messages countless times.

We burned bright and fast,

And at 18, I could never dream,

Of a world where you weren’t everything to me.

Now, our flame has long been extinguished

The pain of the end continually stabs me

It’s just a strong memory plundering about in my mind.

Your face is just something I see in passing,

But your birthday I still have memorized.

I still think of you when I hear the song that gave you your name,

and I remember what first love was again.

The feeling of never wanting to say goodbye,

But knowing some day you will.

x