10-12-2021

 You would think that with four able bodied people living here that the house would stay clean and that the bunnies and cat litter would always be clean and not smell or have flies or any of that shit. But it is a disaster. It is bad. 

FYI- this post references two DID systems of you are unfamiliar with these, feel free to reach out and ask or do research on credible collegiate websites. Please do not make assumptions or accusations. Thank you. 

Jaden screwed up an entire day planned for cleaning and getting things accomplished due to her selfishness and was called out by multiple people throughout the day and still refused to dissent. At around four in the evening Jaden approached Rae and let her know that she was going to let Boulder come out but at that point the only time Rae and Boulder would have had to spend together was to cook dinner, feed children and themselves, clean the kitchen before and after dinner, medicate the children, send children to bed, separate the laundry, make the bed, go to sleep. They would have had no real time together to talk or anything. It was not until I came out and lost my temper that she actually had a true emotional reaction and her reaction was not to say anything or to apologize or explain herself. She started to cry and try to gain more attention and make someone feel sorry for her by crying and it did not work on me. She was told to sit down by her husband Fenixx so that she did not fall and hurt her ankle or re-injure the sprained ankle. Every time someone was speaking to her she would be falling asleep. But when they walked away she would pick up a phone and play games or get on social media and THAT kept her awake. So it was not that she couldn’t stay awake. It’s that she did not care to try because she did not want to be having the current conversation. So, Fenixx tells her to sit down thinning she would probably fall asleep and he glances out (we have a strict no phones policy except special reasons such as obedience, posting to D/s on Instagram when people after/before scening, etc.) and he heard  a noise so he looks to see and she’s on the phone on Instagram. After nine pm. Just passing time. Staying awake. No reason to be on the phone really. Disrespecting the rule that was agreed upon by both hosts to make them have unplugged time with each other daily. So they are not lost in technology. And proving to Fenixx that she could stay awake on the phone, but not for him. So he left front and Dakoda asked me to take over. So I did. And I laid into thistle little girl hard. Because her actions hurt four people yesterday. She was selfish and her actions were unwarranted. I explained to her what Rae had planned (little time) and how Rae had it planned and when it was planned. I let her know what she missed out on due to her actions. Her choices. Choice and accountability. It is a big rule here with Rae.

7-1-19

Shower, then bedtime for me. I'm kinda done trying today. I was good for like a minute... but then everything exploded. I get left out of everything. I'm told I'm important but when it comes down to it, I'm not even close. You go and do everything huge and fun with everyone else and never think to invite me. You invite my kid sometimes, but not both of them, and you make me feel like you don't love one as much as the other. Not even as much as you love the other kids that also aren't..... nevermind... I might not be able to go to things, but I would feel so much more... cared about, or thought about if I got an invite. You don't even call or ask if I can or want to go. You're always going everywhere with your real siblings, but I'm an afterthought. You go to fun places and post pics "having fun with my family" and I get it, they're your family too... but I never even get invited. It hurts me more than I'd like to admit. Even if I had to decline, I'd know that you thought about me and wanted me around if you invited me. "Hey we're going to do this thing on this day, wanna come?"


I invite you to things, but you decline and all I get is tossed aside while you go all over and do fun things with everyone else. I even offered to pay the entire way and you still don't want to do things with me. 😞


I've tried getting the guts to tell you this many times, but everytime I do, I chicken out because I'm afraid of your reaction. I'm afraid you'll tell me I'm right and then I won't even have you.


I have no real family I guess.

• My mom is ....my mom, and she's tossed me aside more than once, so I don't have a mom.
• My dad... is no dad... I don't want to be associated with him in any way. I wasn't important enough to him as a child, and as an adult, he let me down in more way than one... so... no, I don't have one of those.
• My middle, younger brother wrote me off a couple years before he committed suicide, and I never got the chance to tell him I still love and care about him no matter what he thinks of me, and that's going to eat away at me forever.
• My oldest younger sister came out to me as trans MTF and when I told her I accepted and supported her 100%, she stopped talking to me and to this day, I have no idea why... but I still love her.
• My youngest little sister that I wanted so badly and prayed for and love with everything I have in me, probably doesn't even know I exist because my mom refuses to let me talk to any of them.
• My youngest little brother.. knows I exist, but never talks to me and I don't know why. I haven't seen either of the last two in...almost a decade...
• My one older brother is gay and idk why, but one day he just stopped talking to me. No warning, no nothing... I message him from time to time checking in and telling him I care about him, but never get a response.
• My other older brother hated me (or so I thought) until recently when I got to go to his wedding, which was the first time I'd ever spent more than 30 mins with him....ever.. but I still don't know where we stand there.
• and then there's you... You're successful, don't depend on anyone, have custody of all your kids, they both have the same dad, they're doing so many great things to make you proud every day, you get to go to amusement parks all the time, and trips out of state, and go do so much with them and you never have to worry about if you do this, will you have money for rent, or insurance, or anything. I see pics you post on fb all the time when you go on driving vacations... different states, attractions... you invite everyone else.. but I get overlooked and forgotten about. You bring everyone else... think about everyone else... but never me.

My feelings don't matter though, so I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not like you're ever going to read it. Because I won't tell you where it is. I'm to scared that me telling you this will push you away like my thoughts and feelings push away everyone else I care about.

3-20-19

"Maybe", "later", and "for now" are the worst words in the English language. 

Uncertainty triggers the worst anxiety. Especially these days, with everyone making such loose plans. Let's just make our plans now and be done with it, thank you very much.

No, a panic attack is not simply freaking out. It's like when you're crying and you cannot breathe and everything will not be OK and it never has been OK and you feel like you're going to die. Stop using the words "panic attack" so loosely... For those of us that have them, they're real, they can be paralyzing, and they suck. 

Waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back asleep because your brain is a spinning wheel of anxiety. 

You have so much to do tomorrow and now you're going to be so tired and you basically ruined everything and oh my god, I accidentally said that weird thing to my boss the other day and now she totally hates me and...UGH! 

Trust me, if I could stop worrying about how I'm going to get all my work done and if I'm going to be late for dinner, I'd stop. You telling me to stop worrying just makes me worry about it even more.

I feel anxiety about the tiniest things. 

My phone is going to run out of battery, even if it's at 53 percent. And why didn't I get invited to that get-together? Oh my god, I forgot to eat breakfast, and now I am going to be late and it's all my fault.

I freak out about being early...or late... — Will it be weird? What will I do while I'm waiting? — but if you're late, you freak out about keeping someone waiting or or having your boss get mad at you or...UGH! 

9-17-18

I'm so sick and tired of always being there for people but when I need a little help, everyone's busy. 

Eryn had a MAJOR meltdown at school today when it was time to get on the bus and when it was time to go she refused to put on her harness or get on the bus and so they called me to come get her. 

I have no car, NO... CAR.... I tell them they have to get her on the bus.. force her if they have to.. get her on that bus... They didn't. They let the bus leave her there.. So now she's stuck at school and I've asked everyone I can think of that's not at work and car 1 is at work until 6 and so is Car 2 and I hate not having a freaking car and Person 1 can't be bothered to help me even though I've helped them, and Person 2 is too far away, Person 3 isn't answering their phone even though I can see them on FACEBOOK!!!! Person 4 isn't even reading my messages and I'm just so tired of things crumbling down around me! I'm done being there for people who are never there for me when I really truly need them...! 

7-31-18

Parfois j'arrive à penser que je devrais vraiment faire mes devoirs, alors qu'il est tôt ... tu sais? Mais ensuite je me rends compte que je ne peux pas parce que j'ai des tâches ménagères à faire ou à cuisiner, donc je vais commencer à nettoyer et ensuite décider où commencer ... Je commence généralement par les plats parce qu'ils semblent plus simples et moins longs consommer, mais ensuite je me rends compte que j'ai 6 bols blancs, mais seulement 4 sont dans l'évier, donc je dois chasser les 2 autres, parce que ... Je dois .. Alors je sors pour voir si je peux trouver l'autre 2 bols, non? Eh bien, sur le chemin je trouve une chaussette sale, ce qui m'agace parce que je jure que j'ai dit à mon enfant de ramasser ça ... mais peu importe, je le ramasse parce que ça doit être fait. Puis je me rends compte qu'il y a une serviette sur la chaise et une chemise sur la table, et je sais que je me demande s'il y a du linge sale dans la maison, peut-être que je peux commencer une lessive ... c'est joli simple droit? Eh bien, alors je vais à la recherche de linge pour voir la chambre de ma fille est un gâchis horrible, alors je commence à le ramasser parce que c'est plus facile que de discuter avec elle de le ramasser elle-même. Je trouve là-dedans une télécommande qui ne lui appartient pas et qui va l'emmener à l'endroit où elle appartient et tomber sur une bouteille de shampoing dans le couloir que je voulais mettre dans l'armoire il y a quelques jours mais que j'ai oublié la bouteille de shampoing car je dois faire pipi et aller dans la salle de bain pour faire ça. Pendant ce temps, j'ai encore des vêtements dans les mains que j'ai rassemblés et je ne range pas le shampoing, mais pendant que je suis dans la salle de bain, je me rends compte que les toilettes ont besoin d'un gommage. Eh bien, ça ne prendra pas trop de temps, je vais juste le frotter très vite. Oh, et la baignoire et le lavabo aussi ... parce que je suis là ... alors pourquoi pas ... non? Ensuite, je vais balayer ou éponger et réaliser que le balai est en haut mais la pelle est en bas. Pas de problème, je me dis ... Je vais tout balayer et ensuite quand je vais faire la lessive, je vais remonter et balayer la pile dans la pelle à poussière et en finir avec. Mais alors je repèrerai une cuillère dans la chambre de ma fille et j'irai là-bas et LA BLANCHISSERIE! y en a partout! Donc, je commence à ramasser le désordre, décider ce qui est sale et propre est presque impossible, mais je le fais et trouve une poche de jus et un BOL BLANC! Eh bien ... je me sens accompli! J'ai trouvé le bol blanc! attends ... qu'est-ce que je faisais? Oh oui. la lessive ... dois mettre une charge dans la lessive ... finir de ranger les saloperies des garçons et balayer et ramasser les jouets et faire les lits et puis je bouge pour descendre et me rendre compte qu'il y a de la merde sur le mur ... oui ... merde .... Donc, je dois nettoyer cela parce que GROSS! alors je frotte et je me fais mal et je vais me laver les mains dans la salle de bain ... Je vois que je ne me suis jamais souvenu de rincer la baignoire et de trébucher sur la poubelle que j'ai balayée .. Alors maintenant je dois la ramasser et essayez d'utiliser mes mains comme une pelle, mais cela ne fonctionne pas bien, alors je reviens à mon plan d'origine et décide de revenir avec une pelle à poussière. Descends pour réaliser que j'ai laissé les vêtements à l'étage que j'allais laver, mais j'ai le bol! Donc, je décide de laver les plats que je peux trouver et de trouver le bol plus tard, mais le téléphone sonne et je ne peux pas laver la vaisselle et parler car l'eau est trop forte et je m'inquiète constamment de laisser tomber mon téléphone dans l'évier . Donc, je me promène dans la maison pendant un moment au téléphone pour parler à l'appelant. Quand l'appel est fait, je me rends compte que j'ai déjà 3 ans et que je n'ai rien sorti pour le dîner! Ensuite, je vais au congélateur pour trouver quelque chose pour le repas et je me rends compte que l'intérieur du réfrigérateur et du congélateur est dégoûtant et qu'il renifle quand il expire. Oh non ... le temps de nettoyer ça ... maintenant ... une heure plus tard, tout est sorti du frigo, le frigo est à moitié nettoyé, mes enfants sont à la maison et demandent ce qu'il y a à dîner, je leur dis de faire leurs devoirs et je leur displus tard. Je continue à nettoyer le frigo et finalement, autour de 5 c'est fait.Méticuleusement et dans le meilleur ordre et les condiments à gauche ont été lavés et remis en place et disposés de sorte qu'ils vont tous à leur place et les vieilles choses sont dans la poubelle, mais la poubelle est pleine, donc je décide que je devrais changer le sac poubelle et mon mari marche dans la porte ... regarde autour de lui et demande .... "Qu'avez-vous fait toute la journée?"

«Eh bien, lui dis-je, j'ai lavé les plats * à l'eau savonneuse froide et à la vaisselle sale *» et j'ai fait la lessive, mais les chambres des enfants étaient en désordre et la salle de bain était dégueulasse et j'allais dîner mais quand j'ai ouvert le frigo, j'ai vu que c'était méchant alors j'ai commencé à le nettoyer. "

"Alors, rien alors?" Répond-il.

"Eh bien, non ... j'ai fait beaucoup ... de ... .tout ... chose ..." Je boude en regardant autour de moi pour voir que je n'ai pas accompli 100% de tout ce que j'ai commencé à faire et maintenant je dois trouver rapidement / dîner facile parce que tout est gelé et je suis frustré ... Je me sens fatigué et triste maintenant. Je pense ... que peut-être ... je devrais aller m'allonger parce que je suis fatigué de tout le travail que j'ai fait sans accomplir quelque chose et épuisé par la déception que je vois dans ses yeux parce qu'il ne comprend pas que j'ai essayé faire beaucoup, mais mon cerveau ... à penser ...

8-10-17

J'abandonne.

Je suis si malade et fatigué de chaque petite chose qui pourrait aller mal, aller mal. Je ne peux même pas commencer à expliquer mon dernier mois, mais il est sur le point de réduire énormément les choses 48 heures si je ne trouve pas une issue. Je ne sais pas quoi faire. Personne n'est jamais là pour moi quand j'ai besoin d'aide, mais je suis toujours là pour tout le monde. Je ne peux pas dire trop de gens ce qui se passe ou les gens que je ne veux pas dans mon entreprise le saurons. Aussi, si je ne le dis pas à quelqu'un, je vais exploser! Je ne peux rien faire. Je ne peux pas être le mauvais. Je ne peux pas être le seul à faire des progrès. Je ne peux pas tenir les autres. Je suis une erreur.

Essayez une chose: impasse.

Essayez la deuxième chose: plus grande impasse.

Passez près de deux mille dollars pour une chasse au trésor qui n'a pas de trésor pour moi parce que je ne peux pas être qualifié.

Trouvez quelqu'un qui PEUT aider, mais alors ils ne peuvent aider que si je les trouve un moyen d'aider, alors je cherche des moyens, et je trouve même des impasses mroe.

Vous dites que vous voulez aider, ou que vous essayez, mais tout ce que je vois, c'est les jeux vidéo, la lecture et le fait de dire combien vous ne pouvez pas faire parce que vous avez "essayé".

11-15-15

When I was 4 my mom moved us to another state for a guy she had met online. I don't remember much other than not wanting to leave my grandmother in Ohio. She was my only grandma and I would miss her greatly. I remember bits and pieces of the man named Phillip Meek. I remember his house looked huge to me. I remember that he had a cool treehouse in his backyard! I remember my bedroom was across the hall from his and my mom's. ....and I remember that he taught me, at 4 or 5 years old... how to straddle a man's face, among other things. I remember watching pornos with a woman in a blue wig performing fellatio, I remember him telling me if I told anyone that I would lose my mom, and I remember him touching me in places NO MAN should ever touch a woman or man without consent and never a child for any reason. Being that I just lost my grandma, I was scared, but I still told my school counselor. The school informed my mother who went to the police. The judge, being told by my mother that we lived with the offender, granted me a 10ft restraining order. Can you believe that? 10...feet... Meaning, my mom didn't have to move, I could still be in the house with this monster.




After a while my mom started to get relaxed on the restraining order and didn't make him stay away from me. I mean, how could she? My bedroom was 4ft from theirs, right across the hall. He gave me a huge bear for some reason... I think it might have been my birthday, and asked if he could give me a hug.. I was a child, I looked to my mom and she nodded her head, so I hugged this... facade of what a man is.

I remember going to counseling appointments where they put me in a room with a mirror I could see straight through at the little blinky red light on the other side. I remember the anatomically correct plush people that I was handed and asked to re-create what had been happening to me.




I hated it. I felt like I was the one in trouble. Like I was being interrogated every time I went in. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted it to go away. But I did what I was told and showed the lady counselor.




Eventually, my mom left Phillip and got together with another man named Ron.




Ron had a kitten and he lived in a basement type apartment and we also eventually moved back to Ohio! I was excited that I was going to be around my grandma again! We lived upstairs from her in her duplex even, so it was even beter!




My grandma was an alcoholic, but she always made me feel important, never let her problems affect her relationship with me and I adored her to the moon and back twice!




One day, a while after we were living there, I remember Ron calling me into his and my moms bedroom. I was nervous still from Phillip, but I listened and did as I was told. I was in my nightgown that day. He asked me to take it off. He asked me to come to him. he said it like a question, but I knew better. I knew it wasn't. Here it was... new guy, new house, same nightmare. He touched me and licked me in placed that felt weird. I didn't like it, it was slimy and gross feeling. He told me that I'd learn to like it and that he needed to show me the right way. Told me I'd be "daddy's little girl" it would be our secret. He would lay me in the bed with him and cover me up next to him, while watching movies with my little brothers sitting right at the foot of the bed, or on the floor next to the bed, and he would be touching me. putting his fingers in places that hurt when he pushed inside.




I told my mom. After all, she was there for me last time, this would be the right thing to do. Right?

No.

My mom told me that everything would be alright. Told me that we would handle it as a family and that we would all talk. That it would stop.

But it didn't. It continues for a long time. I decided that telling my mom didn't work. So I told my grandmother. She was outraged! Told me that she was going to make it stop. Grandma called the police and when my mom saw the car pull in, she called me upstairs. My grandma told me to listen to my mom and go up there, that she would have them knock in a few minutes. While upstairs, my mom told me that if I told the cops that my grandmother was telling the truth that the cops would take me away from my family and I'd never see my mom or brothers again.For me to lie and say that my grandma was just drunk and didn't know what she was talking about. That we would talk about it as a family, she meant it this time, she would stop it and no cops. Once again, I believed her and lied to the police for her. I was so young I didn't realize I was causing irreparable damage to my ability to tell anyone again. Ron managed to get away with this for nearly 11 years before anyone believed me again. All while my mom wouldn't listen. She would tell people I was having flashbacks from living with Phillip. I knew I wasn't lying, but it did no good because I had lied once to the police. When I was 16, my best friend, confidant, sweetheart... my everything.... listened to me. For the first time in a very long time, someone listened and wanted to help... He said he would call that night and then call the police and to be ready. I stole the cordless phone to my room and waited. When he called, I was ready, he called the police right after giving me a pep talk. Told me I could do this and that he was there for me. When the cops arrived I asked to talk to them alone. I was a teenager and not a child anymore, so I could talk to them alone finally. I didn't lie that night. I told the whole truth and they took me away. Placed me with a friend of my mom's who also didn't believe me and they started a CPS investigation. My mom sided with my abuser. The filth that had repeatedly touched, and anally raped me for a decade... my own flesh and blood MOTHER.... sided with HIM. I was so furious and hurt and just... confused.. My mom shipped me off to live with extended family I had never met and continued to stay with Ron. By this time I had 3 brothers and a sister. All I could imagine was, what would happen if he touched my sister? I found out he was also touching my brothers. I was shipped away so my mom didn't have to deal with me.




Years later my biological father came around and scared Ron off in a selfish ploy to win my mom back. After Ron was gone and I had moved out and started healing, I had already given up trying to prosecute Ron because nobody would help me and I thought it was too late. Then I found out that my mom... the woman who gave birth to me...gave me life... helped my younger brother prosecute Ron in a plea deal so she couldn't get in any trouble for allowing it to happen. This made me feel less than low. Beyond gone.. My mom, abandoned me with complete strangers and allowed this....thing to touch me for most of my childhood, excused it, lied to people for him, defended his every breath... wouldn't be there when it came to me.... BUT, when my brother needed her voice... she was all in... This led to questions like 

Why doesn't my mom love me? 

Why wouldn't she help me? 

What's wrong with me? 

Is she ashamed of me?

What did I do so wrong?

Did I deserve it?

Was she in on it?

Why doesn't my mommy love me like she loves them?

none of these questions will ever have answers.... ever.... because when I ask them... she deflects.

I recently found out that my mom is FRIENDS on Facebook with Phillip Meek! 

When I asked her how she could do that. Why she'd do that. Why is she friends with a man who could hurt her child so.... her response was that I don't have the right to tell her who she can and can't be friends with.

and I'M the child!!????

 I decided right then that I wouldn't let anyone feel that way. Not my kids, not friends kids, no child at any age should feel like the ones that are around them, don't care. Boy, Girl, Man, Woman, Child, Adult.... Everyone deserves someone to be there for them and help them through everything.Nobody deserves the things I went through. Nobody should feel like their mom doesn't care about them.

8-29-15

I'm so glad that you can't pay your rent and need utility help, and complain that your food stamps went down again, and your car is broken and you can't afford a new one or to repair the one you have, but you can afford to go all over hell's creation. Can't be bothered to save up to come to my wedding, but you have the money to go on a road trip. 

Am I not important?

I live all the way across the country. 

Someone I've never met, ever in my life, is excited and has said more about my wedding and seeing me and visiting than you have. 😢 I just got caught up on my rent and it's due again with this next check, so my daughter will be starting kindergarten without a few things on her list. Do you know how bad that feels? No, because someone's always been there to bail you out one way or another. But I haven't complained to you about it. Because if you're not bitching about something, you're not happy. 

If you don't care about him, stop checking up on him. 

If you can't afford your rent, don't go on road trips. 

"I can't pay all my bills but I am buying wine."

 I receive food stamps. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I haven't really gotten anything out of my pocket for myself in MONTHS. Because we can't afford it. Simple as that. 

But see, I can't talk to you about these things, because you'll defend your actions, call me irrational or jealous or whatever, and stop talking to me. And then I'll fall into my emotional pit again. And I'm tired of losing people. So I'll just keep it here and to myself. Eventually it'll go away. It always does. 

8-20-15_2

Breathe......

I can breathe......

My kids can't help it.....

They don't understand....

Breathe.....good.....

They don't do it on purpose...

They are trying their best...

Breathe...

My version of counting to 10:

1. When he/she is calm he/she will listen. 

2. I am the adult and as such must remain calm or they never will. 

3. Just because they're loud and crying doesn't mean you're wrong. 

4. Just because they're quiet and still doesn't mean you're right. 

5. I love my kids. 

6. They love me. 

They're doing their best. 

***deep breath***

7. Ignore the meltdown, he/she can't control themselves. 

8. They're screaming out of frustration not pain. Don't let his/her hands go, she/he will hurt themselves. 

9. They are doing the best they know how. 

10. You're a good mom, you're doing the best you can. 

This doesn't always work. And I try as hard as I can... But some days, I just want to let them do what they want and say screw it. I'll clean the house later. >_< 

But today is not that day.

8-7-15

Really starting to feel like nobody wants to come. 

I'm important when you need me. You're supposed to be important to me when you need me. When I'm doing bad, you're time first to step in and be all "girl, you got this." But when I want to celebrate something that I'm utterly excited about that's good, you can't even mark an 'x' and put down a number, lick a strip and drop it in a box, you can't be bothered....? I even paid for the postage already! You literally have nothing else you have to do but write an x and a number and lick an envelope!! 

7-19-15

If there's one thing that being overweight has taught me it's not to judge someone you don't know. 

As a teenager, I was a mean little piss ant. 

I didn't give a shit if you could hear me laughing at your shoes or hair or weight. And I sure as hell didn't think 

"OMG, what does this person think of what I'm saying!?" 

But I do now. Boy do I. Everyone needs to remember that just because some looks a certain way doesn't make it their fault entirely. 

Maybe someone has a lazy eye. You make fun of them, but it's not like they woke up one morning and went 

"ya know what? I'm gonna make the left eye look down

and to the right all day.."

No overweight person woke up and decided to eat a truck load of twinkles one morning. 

Some of us try really...really hard and nothing changes. 

Weight doesn't come off,

scars don't fade;

and pain stays.

You don't know how hard I try and bust my ass and tell myself not to eat that cake because it's bad for me. But still, I weigh 278lbs. 

No matter what, I weigh 278. I guess you could say it's okay cause at least I'm not getting any bigger. But when people at the gym talk behind your back about 

"yeah, some fatty is pretending to run at 2.5mph" 

*chuckles and high fives his buddy*

I understand that 2.5mph is considered "slow walking" on MyFitnessPal, but when it's coupled with the fact that I was walking(breathlessly run-jogging) at 2.5mph on a level 3 incline(IDK what the numbers mean height wise) and I went for 35 minutes, that's a lot! Especially for someone like me. 

Today, some teenagers were in the parking lot of the store that I walked around in for 40 minutes for no reason. Just to exercise a little. 

Upon getting into the truck, I saw them looking...no...gawking at me. Eyes wide. Jaws slacked. And then one of them one says 

"Oh Em Gee, how can she even walk? 

Her legs must be buckling from under her." 

Now as much as I shouldn't let it bother me because she doesn't know me.... It did. 

It hurt a lot. 

Here I am. Enjoying the day. Taking pride that I burnt like 200 calories walking and this chick just couldn't stop herself. She doesn't even know how hard I try to lose weight to only stay the same weight. I sat in the truck and bawled my eyes out. Hard core just horrible. 

My kids asked me what was wrong and I told them the hot was making me sad because I didn't want my kids to know someone called me a mean name. 

I hope something changed soon because at this rate gonna get more and more depressed at this weight and the inability to make it leave my body. 

And it's gonna kill me slowly.

2-12-15

Why wasn't I good enough to save? 

Why didn't you stick up for me when i needed it? 

Why did you let it happen for over a decade without helping me? 

Why couldn't you do that for me? 

Why are they better than me? 

All these questions circle my mind daily... 

I want to hate you. I should hate you. 

But instead... I miss you. 

I miss talking to you. 

I wonder if I'd be different, had you been there for me when I needed it. The way I needed you. 

Would I be better? Would I be worse? 

Would the nightmares still come? 

Would I still be...me? 

Do you think it made me stronger when you didn't help me? 

Do you think it helped me grow? 

Did you know I still remember every detail? Every smell, every touch, every demand he made of me? 

Did you know that I was scared while it was happening? 

What about my sister? Did he do that to her? Did he hurt her like he hurt me? 

Did she tell you like I told you? 

Did you ignore her cries for help? 

Why did you choose him over me? Why would you abandon me when I needed you most? 

 And the memories never faded..... Not even after decades passed.. It's still right up front. It still haunts me. But you won't ever care about me like I needed you to. I'm faulty. Broken. And for whatever reason... You weren't there when I needed you the most. 

9-27-14

Well, today was productive. I managed to get all of Micah's room cleaned, his toys organized and completely revamp his room night before last. Last night I got the girls room cleaned up finally.... and removed all the trash and toys and clothes from their room. During the day Sheryl and I went through the girls toys and threw away all the trashed broken or useless ones. Then I managed to wash 14 loads of laundry to get the girls entire wardrobe clean. I'm working through the blankets and sheets now.

I cut tonight.. for the first time in months, I cut myself. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to stop myself so bad. Bill told me he plans to marry this woman and last night told me he had a one night stand with some random chick he met at a store. I am so disapointed in him. I can't believe he has done this. That he is going to marry this woman e has never met and has only known for a couple weeks... all because he wants to be married. He told me he doesn't love her and yet is going to marry her... this made me over the edge sad... upset... hurt... and so many other things all at once.
What happened to the man I looked up to for 8 years? What happened to the man that swore he'd never marry someone he didn't love. Held marriage high and with great honor...? I missed him.... but this isn't the real him. It's a fake shell of someone I used to know. and I don't like it.

I had plans with Sheryl today to try and cuddle and have some us time... but that didn't happen. She never moved from the computer. :( I just want affection. I miss the feeling that I'm needed, loved, and desired. I don't feel pretty... I don't even feel.... attractive in the least.

Nobody ever touches me anymore without me hinting at it. Nobody wants me.
I can't wait for my next counselor appointment. I'm..... I'm just going to hope she has some good ideas on how to deal with this all. Because I'm lost and can't think of what to do and I feel like that little girl in a room that nobody will come into because nobody wants to play with me.

I miss feeling like I'm wanted. I don't feel like Sheryl wants me... not like I used to feel it. She used to hug or kiss me randomly, she stopped...
she used to try hard to get me to lay next to her... she stopped...
I hate sleeping on the couch, I truly do.

I slept in the bed with Bryan last night... it was nice, but, he still has some learning to do.. I'm so frustrated by all of this... I'm horny all the time and can't fix it because nothing helps... I have vibrators and they don't help, I have tried... they only work for a few minutes and then I'm right back up there again.... If I had sex as much as I've been wanting to lately then everyone in this house would think I'm a whore. I think about it constantly. I mean... all the time.... I can't think of anything else most of the time, because I can't get past the horny. I'm so nervous about this procedure ... this vaginal mesh bladder sling thing that the dr wants me to get... I... I'm scared... He said we need to schedule it next week... He was adamant about it too.... I tried getting him to schedule it for the week after next, but he really wants to do it next week... I'm so worried something will happen that I'm just freaking out...

My panic attacks are getting worse each day. I had 4 today alone. I can't handle this much more.
I've applied at a few places to work, but can't find another job. My phone got turned off, so I need a new one and can't afford it... My bills are piling up around me and I have no money to pay them. Something has got to give here because I can't deal with this much longer.... I need to feel like my hopes and dreams and needs matter too... really soon.... because I can't just ignore my needs forever... it'll break me, and I'll end up dying inside... and Eryn needs me.

I think I am going to go take a bath for a while... maybe my vibrator will help me tonight for more than just to postpone it for five minutes...

9-22-14

So her court was supposed to start at 10, but it's already noon, the court house is closing for lunch and she hasn't been seen yet. Nobody has... I don't know what's going on but I don't like it. Bryan and I are going to go home, nap, eat, and then going to go back at 1:30... hopefully they're closer to having arraignments by then,....

Birdie Lou'

9-20-14

Oh my god!
Sheryl was arrested! She and her mother were screaming and fighting and then all of a sudden BAM! She started hitting her and then the cops were called and Sheryl was taken to jail! The cops talked to me and I told them what happened... After she was done talking to them, they told us that she was going to be arrested, I ran outside and gave her a hug and a kiss and stalled as long as I could. I had called Bryan and gotten him home in time to say goodbye. The cops told us that she won't be able to see a judge until Monday!! :(

I'm so scared, what's gonna happen!> Her mom called Taea ugly and was putting her down and this all started because I told her mom that she needed to start pulling some weight around here. Her chores are kitchen, bedroom, and the rule is no smoking in the kids rooms... :( She... It was horrible! Bryan and I are going to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese for dinner tonight... something to get them out of the house, Bryan away from Sheryl's mom, and a place where I can clear my head and think..

I have to make sure I stay calm, because Bryan looks like he's gonna lose it. :(

I have to stay calm.... I can do this... Fixing to leave soon... ttyl

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-19-14

Why? Why couldn't he just stay gone? Why couldn't he just move on and be happy and just stay gone?? The memories hurt. The feelings... They cut deep... I want to cry but then everyone will ask me what's wrong. And I don't wanna lie. But if I told the truth it would hurt Sheryl and Bryan. I just.... Why can't things be easy!? Why Did it have to be so hard? Why couldn't I just move on and heal? It hasn't even been a month and already he's come back. I offered the friendship bridge and he declined. He said no. He called me. Bad mom. A whore. A slut. He told me I was a bad person. Horrible... 

After all this.... I blocked him... I deleted him... I dropped it all and tried walking away. And... Still. He finds a way. And... 

This hurts. I'm tired and just.... I'm tired of hurting. Why couldn't he just stay gone? 

9-18-14

·        Thursday

9/18, 8:21am CuAnam Policar

I love you two too .. BOTH of you walked out with saying even bye -.-

9/18, 8:22am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You hurt my feelings.

I'm in pain too. I'm tired too

I realize yours is bad. I'm not upset about that.

But snapping at us wasn't necessary.

I tried keeping her out

9/18, 8:23am CuAnam Policar

you hurt mine with that "what do you want me to do" shit when 1) I wasn't talking to you I was answering Bry's question and 2) I never said "Bridgette you need to do something about this"

9/18, 8:23am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I do love you. But this snapping daily things has to stop. It hurts.

9/18, 8:23am CuAnam Policar

so does you and him ignoring me when you're here.. you snapped at me day before yesterday too walked out the house slamming doors and everything but it's okay for YOU and HIM to snap?

but I do it and I'm the bad one?

fine.. I just won't talk anymore

9/18, 8:24am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I never said you did. But a persons normal reaction when being screamed at for something... Like you were.... Is to assume you're upset that it happened and I need to stop that from happening.

But I've tried.

9/18, 8:24am CuAnam Policar

then neither of you wil have to worry about me snapping when I wasn't this morning to begin with until HE snapped at me ACCUSING me of snapping when I hadn't even SPOKEN YET

he said "Why are you up? there was no yelling or anything" So I did what I do EVERY TIME I get woken up you know the shit that usually makes you BOTH laugh.. and he fucking YELLED at me and asked me why I had an atittude when I hadn't even said 2 fucking words yet

so he got the attitude he accused me of

9/18, 8:28am Bridgette Ann Bandell

The other day. I didn't snap. I got aggravated.. Interrupted... And then you rolled your eyes at me after blowing off everything I said and then instead of repeating myself I just decided to drop it and go to walmart. Because it doesn't feel like you listen when I talk about things because you're always interrupting me.

9/18, 8:29am CuAnam Policar

but like I said it's good for YOU TWO to snap at me I don't even HAVE to do aNYTHING and get fucking accused of of having attitude.. YOU interupt me too.. so does he.. but it's okay for you two to do the shit I don't anything you two don't do yet I'm the ONLY one ever fucking ostrocized for it

9/18, 8:30am CuAnam Policar

HE snapped at me first NO fucknig reason I hadn't even SAID anything yet

but you didn't say "Bry why are snapping at her?"

Nope you didn't say a fucking word until I gave him the attitude he snapped at me accusing me of having then it was to snap at me for giving his attitude back to him

9/18, 8:31am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I don't ignore you when I'm there by the way. The past couple days I've been busting my ass to do homework. I got two hours of sleep night before last. Then that impromptu nap. And last night I may have gotten three hours of sleep. But I'm not snapping at anyone. Not talking in tones that come across angry and loud. . All I heard was "why are you awake" calmly asked you. And then you started talking loudly and "screaming" about eryn.

9/18, 8:33am CuAnam Policar

that's YOUR fault you're behind on homework because you weren't doing it when you were supposed to that's not anyone else's fault all them fucking nights we were up watching 4-5 episodes of Shameless you could have been your homework.. YOU don't see it I DO my attitude reflects what's tossed at me.. you don't like how I'm talking listen to how YOU are

9/18, 8:33am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And I've told everyone in that house that interrupting me is one of my biggest pet peeves. When I tried talking to you that one night.... You wouldn't let me finish a thought to save my life.

But... If I get interrupted I say something and ask it stopped.

And I expect the same when I interrupt someone.

9/18, 8:33am CuAnam Policar

I didn't talk at all when he asked me why I was awake I put my face an inch from his and stared at him like I always do when you two ask me why I'm up

then he said "why do you have an attitude" I hadn't even fucking spoken but I had an attitude

9/18, 8:34am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And I never.... Ever blamed anyone else but me on my homework...

9/18, 8:34am CuAnam Policar

so I gave him the atttitude he already accused me of having

nice to know I don't even have to talk to have an attitude

9/18, 8:34am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Putting your face inches away from I someone is rude. And comes across as attitudinal.

9/18, 8:35am CuAnam Policar

yeah it is when Eryn does it too

9/18, 8:35am Bridgette Ann Bandell

When you could have calmly said "eryn staring at me again."

9/18, 8:35am CuAnam Policar

yet AGAIN no one said shit to her for doing it

9/18, 8:35am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Bullshit

I've had talks with her.

You've yelled at her.

Bry has asked her not to

9/18, 8:35am CuAnam Policar

I was standing there and not one of you said "Eryn why were staring at sheryl when she was asleep?"

you both focused on this attitude that HE created.. and ignored the fact that that girl wouldn't know a fucking boundary if it slapped her in the fucking face

9/18, 8:39am CuAnam Policar

you've NEVER spoken to Eryn about her doing this shit but you KNOW it irks the fucks out of me.. but not once when I've TOLD you she does the shit have you spoken to her when she's done it.. so don't tell me "I've talked to her" when? HOURS after the fact when she doesn't remember doing it? but like I said.. whatever my attitude today is your guys' fault.. you created it since I snapped and an attitude before I even spoke

9/18, 8:39am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Neither does Taea or Micah.

But

9/18, 8:40am CuAnam Policar

Micah's two and I tell him not to the shit he does wrong when he does it.. Taea I yell at EVERYTIME she fucks up

or ground her ass to her fucking room

I tried the discipline thing with Eryn she doesn't like me nor does she see me as anything but "Taea's mom" so I gave up.. you and Bry need to handle her discipline cause she just ignores me when I try

9/18, 8:43am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Eryn gets spanked. Damn near beaten by me at times I feel...

Grounded. Has things taken away. And it doesn't work... She's not normal.. I keep telling you this and you blow me off...

Your mental issues are real. Mine are real. Taea's are real. But eryns are pretend and I'm babying her.

9/18, 8:43am CuAnam Policar

I HAVE tried talking to her about the staring at me shit she doesn't care what the fuck I say... She'll just glare at me when I mention it.. I'm honestly starting to believe she does the shit on purpose cause she knows she won't get in trouble for it

9/18, 8:43am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Did you know that toe walking is a HUGE sign of autism??

9/18, 8:43am CuAnam Policar

do you know ALL kids toe-walk?

9/18, 8:45am CuAnam Policar

and even if Micah's autistic it's not a big deal.. according to you Eryn's been EXACTLY how is her ENTIRE life.. Micah's a fucking SAINT compared to how Taea was at his age.. sorta.. she didn't get bad bad until she turned 4 but by then the people we were with her beating her and blaming everything their kid on her so she stopped being good all together...

9/18, 8:47am CuAnam Policar

and he doesn't toe-walk all the time btw.. he does it a lot but not all the time.. I've talked to his dr about it since he started walking but just like his pooing issue she brushed it off

but like I said whatever.. I'm the bad guy I do ALL the wrong.. all attitudes I have are for absolutely no reason.. whatever. I'm done with this convo.. I have shit to do

9/18, 9:01am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And Micah does it. And apparently you say Taea did too.

All kids toe walk. Yes. But not after 2

Not at almost 3

Most... Not all... But most... Of the things eryn does.. Are compulsive.

9/18, 9:01am CuAnam Policar

Andrew did it till he was almost 4

Taea did it till around then too

I couldn't even walk properly till I was 5

and no adhd is NOT on the autism spectrum I asked the child psychologist where Annie is

9/18, 9:07am CuAnam Policar

you know two are fucking HILARIOUS.. whether or not you have or not.. you CAN do something about your sexual frustration.. I can't but you guys don't even take that into consideration.. not the fact that it's been four fucking months since I've had sex because of this bleeding shit.. not that this cyst which has never bothered me is now doing nothing but hurting me.. not that I have 2 surgeries within a 30 day period.. should I seriously be fucking sunshine and flowers? well sorry I can't be any more than you two can.. but it's okay.. to make sure I don't give you two attitudes I apparently can't control.. I'll just avoid you both.. you focus on your homework.. I'll handle WPP and what I need done.. and we'll revisit my atittude when I'm not bleeding to death anymore

9/18, 9:08am Bridgette Ann Bandell

See... There you go again.

9/18, 9:09am CuAnam Policar

look I don't know what the fuck else to do

no matter WHAT I do you and him claim I have an attitude when I don't

so I'm making it simple

I'm going to avoid you both until I'm not bleeding to death.. until this fucking cyst is gone and not feeling like a fucking ball in my hip joint.. and when I'm better

9/18, 9:11am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Am I sexually frustrated? The previously nearly clinically diagnosed nympho that used to have sex 9-10 times a day in between masturbating.. I've been trying everything I can to make your shit easier.. Everything. The reason Bryan and I haven't done anything is because we are being considerate of you..

9/18, 9:12am Bridgette Ann Bandell

He and I discussed it... And out of consideration of you... We haven't.

9/18, 9:12am CuAnam Policar

no you aren't because YOU have attitudes you two apparently don't fucking SEE

I'd rather you two fucking fuck like rabbits than keep blaming every god damn fucking attitude on ME like you two are fucking saints

neither of you see how you fucking talk to me

neither of you see how you've been treating me

and I haven't said SHIT because I'm not stupid and I understand.. so I let the shit go

but I don't even say a fucking WORD and get snapped at and accused of having an attitude and snapping

9/18, 9:14am Bridgette Ann Bandell

My attitude... Has nothing to do with sex... My attitude has everything to do with the fact that I don't feel like I'm contributing, like I'm using you guys, like eryn can't do anything right, and that I've been on a couch for a WEEK. you don't say goodnight anymore. You don't say I love you FIRST anymore. You sit in your bubble and ignore everything it feels like...

You were supposed to be off on Sundays... Two Sundays in a row and you decided that it wasn't important to spend family time.. That you just HAD to do computer from waking till sleeping.. And that hurts Sheryl.. A lot.

9/18, 9:15am CuAnam Policar

are YOU going to post the teasers?

hell you don't even fucking MAKE them on tiem

but I'm supposed to rely on you to post them?

9/18, 9:15am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You didn't have teasers this week because I was too sick to breathe!

You're sick.... I get it... But you can still smoke.

9/18, 9:16am CuAnam Policar

I'm sorry if I don't want to sit around watching fucking movies

I DON"T LIKE MOVIES

it's not like you two don't do this shit

9/18, 9:16am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Everytime I try it hurts. My lungs seize.

9/18, 9:16am CuAnam Policar

I don't like sitting around doing nothing

it's not YOU tell me you love me anymore either

but you tell HIM you do EVERY fucking chance you get

9/18, 9:17am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Then we could have gone out and gone hiking before we had the diagnosis.

Or played games maybe.. Or some crafts with the kids... Anything but blocking us all out for role playing... Which is what you do...

You have no problems flirting with Jenny  and shit... But you don't flirt with me anymore...

9/18, 9:17am CuAnam Policar

wWE HAVE NO GAMES LEFT

my asshole seven yr old lost half the pieces to every game we own

I flirt with everyone.. you don't even really talk to me on here and I'm not good flirting in person x.X

9/18, 9:18am Bridgette Ann Bandell

See what you don't realize is... Light flirting is okay with me... But I'm a VERY jealous person. And the flirting you do bothers me. It makes me jealous.

But do I bother telling you? No. Because you'll defend it and blow me off.

9/18, 9:19am CuAnam Policar

YOU flirt too

9/18, 9:19am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Whenever I try talking to you, I have to repeat myself because you weren't listening.

9/18, 9:19am CuAnam Policar

      you sat here for two fucking months telling Bill you love him on the phone and shit

9/18, 9:19am Bridgette Ann Bandell

No... I bat my eyelashes and make comments. And I was trying to get money to help out around the house… we needed things..

9/18, 9:19am CuAnam Policar

don't try to use MY flirting as a weapon when you're telling EXES you fucking love them Bridgette

9/18, 9:19am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And I was only doing that to try and get shit..

I'm not using it as a weapon.

I don't expect you to change. You don't see anything wrong with it.

9/18, 9:20am CuAnam Policar

that's the same excuse with the flirting you do with william too right?

9/18, 9:20am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You knew I was lying to bill.

With William I "blush"

That's about it.

9/18, 9:20am CuAnam Policar

damn right I don't you had no problem with me doing it when you met me you shouldn't have a problem with me doing it now

it's not like it means any fucking thing I flirt with EVERYONE on here I always have

9/18, 9:21am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I had no problem with you flirting with me.

Flirting has a fine line.

9/18, 9:21am CuAnam Policar

my flirting with Jenny never goes beyond the occasional nibble LOL

9/18, 9:22am Bridgette Ann Bandell

That’s not the only person you do it with… She's just the only one who's name I know.

9/18, 9:22am CuAnam Policar

it's never gone beyond that LOL with anyone really

cept Raven I'll occasionally -molest- him out of boredom or when he's upset and he needs to not be

9/18, 9:22am Bridgette Ann Bandell

The role playing hurts me too. Ya know.

9/18, 9:23am CuAnam Policar

well your SOL on that

I've been RP since I was 19

9/18, 9:23am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I can't get you to cuddle me. But you'll cyber fuck four people.

That hurts

9/18, 9:23am CuAnam Policar

I don't cuddle -.-

9/18, 9:23am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Bulls***

9/18, 9:23am CuAnam Policar

and I don't play girl characters

9/18, 9:23am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You have

So?

9/18, 9:23am CuAnam Policar

yeah when I wasn't bleeding to death

9/18, 9:23am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You've cuddled me.

9/18, 9:24am CuAnam Policar

it's kinda hard to do much of any fucking thing when all the fuck I do is bleed every god damn where -.-

9/18, 9:24am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And the fact that you're a male "character" makes no difference.

I'm not saying have sex. Because that's a chore. Even before the bleeding.. It was a chore. You acted like you didn't really wanna.

I'm saying sit next to me and hold my hand.

Give me a hug for no reason.

I stopped because I was sick and didn't want you sick.. So I tried keeping my distance.

But you're sick anyways and now you're always angry.

9/18, 9:25am CuAnam Policar

you're just as guilty of the lack of affection shit as I am

but AGAIN I'm the bad guy

everything my fucking fault

I get it

9/18, 9:26am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I stopped when it felt unwanted.

Then I got sick

9/18, 9:27am CuAnam Policar

bullshit cause the ONLY I had a problem with was you trying to molest me out where the kids can see

which no matter how many times I said anything you ignored that it made me uncomfortable

9/18, 9:28am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You didn't act any different while the kids were asleep then you didn't while they were up.

9/18, 9:29am CuAnam Policar

that isn't true.. but like I said fine EVERYTHING'S my fault

I told you I get it

9/18, 9:29am Bridgette Ann Bandell

No

See

9/18, 9:29am CuAnam Policar

no see scroll up and fucking read Bridgette

9/18, 9:29am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I've been trying to ignore a lot of this.

9/18, 9:29am CuAnam Policar

every fucking thing is my fault

I get it

I'm a horrible person.. I don't need to be in relationships fine whatever

9/18, 9:30am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I'm sorry I came here and made your life harder.

I love you

9/18, 9:30am CuAnam Policar

I love you too.. I'm just done being the root of all evil to you two

9/18, 9:32am Bridgette Ann Bandell

That's not how it is...

I feel like I'm not getting anywhere.

Didn't worry about it. I'll just file it

9/18, 9:34am CuAnam Policar

read what you've been saying you and him have done "no" wrong everything's my fault

9/18, 9:36am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I'm not trying to place blame on anything.

9/18, 9:38am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I'm trying my damnedest to tell you things that are hurting me. And getting ignored. It doesn't need to be a fight.

I just want someone to pay attention and listen and understand and just... Just... *shrugs* I don't know... Be willing to try... Willing to work together and try...

9/18, 9:40am Bridgette Ann Bandell

But it involves change.

Both... All three of us being willing to change some...

And it'll never happen. It'll just be a huge fight.

9/18, 9:42am CuAnam Policar

and I have been.. but placing everything on my shoulders is shitty.. yes I RP you knew this before you got with me.. Bry used to too until he started playing DAoC.. I'm not going to change that just because while you didn't have a problem with it before you got here you now you do

9/18, 9:42am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I did actually

It just didn't affect me like this much

When I wasn't here.

Plus

I didn't know you did it all day

I thought it was only at night

9/18, 9:44am CuAnam Policar

well you need to understand it's something I do to vent.. to think.. to be creative... and it IS only at night I don't RP till between 5-6 at night.. sometimes later it depends when people log on and it's not all sex LOL there's actual story line to it since it follows my books

9/18, 9:49am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You pay attention to them... You're always typing on AIM. Always talking to everyone else...

9/18, 9:50am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Before I and out here you used to message me randomly and say I love you.

I realize you're working... And that turning around to talk distracts you..

But simple things make my day... A message that says I love you.

A kiss on the head. Touching my shoulder. Running fingers in my hair... Tiny minuscule things.

9/18, 9:50am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You used to do them…

9/18, 9:51am CuAnam Policar

is it my fault you put headphones in? I DO talk to you ask Bry but I never realize you don't hear me cause you have headphones in

so I toss pennies to get your attention which you bitch about that too so I stopped doing it unless it was something important I needed to tell you

9/18, 9:53am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I put in headphones when it's schoolwork.

Because it's important

9/18, 9:53am CuAnam Policar

you do it for WPP work and everything else too

you've been doing it since before you went back to online school

9/18, 9:53am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And this speaker stuff drives me nuts cause I have to turn it way up cause I'm 3/4 deaf.

I do the headphones whenever I need to concentrate hard on something.

9/18, 9:54am CuAnam Policar

which is ALL the time Bridgette

99% of the time you're at your PC which is for just as long if not longer than I'm at mine you have headphones in

9/18, 9:55am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I've backed off a lot.

And I use headphones because whenever I don’t there’s too much distraction and I can’t concentrate…

I've stopped and set time limits.

I've tried. I'm trying.

Later that day……..

9/18, 3:28pm Bridgette Ann Bandell

I sayyyyed... I loves youuu

9/18, 3:30pm CuAnam Policar

I love you too I didn't hear you honest to god I didn't even know you left yet

9/18, 3:36pm Bridgette Ann Bandell

Lol you were looking right at me. Lol

9/18, 3:39pm CuAnam Policar

that doesn't mean I heard anything my ears are ringy and stuffed it's why I keep asking what when people speak I honestly can't hear shit

9/18, 8:13pm Bridgette Ann Bandell

Without having any information about my tubes. How do you feel about having another baby.

I worded it that way because we are all three in this together. So if I have a baby, it's yours, mine, and Bry's...

9/18, 8:26pm CuAnam Policar

I honestly don't want any kids the ones we have drive me fucking batty

but it's not my decision to make

9/18, 8:26pm Bridgette Ann Bandell

It's partly yours to make. Partly mine. And partly Bry's.

9/18, 8:26pm CuAnam Policar

and I don't want a vote or you and him not to do it because I don't want it my opinion really doesn't count we've been through this

9/18, 8:27pm Bridgette Ann Bandell

I feel it does…

Seen 8:28pm