11-16-15

I want to scream and I need a trainer.... I break a sweat changing my shirt and I try talking to my counselor who's doing great but wants to focus on one thing at a time and I wanna just pour it all out and I only have an hour and I need more and now I see her every two weeks instead of every week but I don't want every other week. I'm tired of being all alone here and only having Bryan and kids. I don't even have colleagues because I can't get a job and my entire fucking life is going to hell and I'm trying to not tell and scream at everyone all the time and be a bitch but ya know.... I'm tired of everyone telling me to be positive and stop letting it get me down. Maybe I just wanna be held, invited to go out and hang out or go to the movies. I can't. Because I have nobody to watch my kids because I'm all alone aside from Bryan. I want to have friends face to face. I want my mom to be MY MOM not my sisters mom. Is she ashamed of me so bad that she's just going to replace me with her? I love my sister don't get me wrong but really?? She's mine. My mom. And yeah she's annoying and I can't stand most of the things that she's ever done to me but she's still MY MOM! And I can't vent to anyone because every time I try I get "oh I know, let me feed you my problems." I'm not looking for a game of my life's worse than yours. Maybe I just want a fucking ear to talk to. Shoulder to cry on. Maybe I'm sick and tired of being strong. Maybe I want someone to come to me. Make me a priority. Baby me.... I feel like I'm trying to search for something that doesn't exist.


My nightmares are coming back full force and I can't control them no matter how hard I try. I keep having flashbacks about him hitting me, throwing me down and kicking me. holding his hand over my throat until I started seeing stars and kicking and gurgling until the edges of my vision went blurry and darkened into blackness that crept into my point of view feeling like an ocean of hell washing over me.

Him walking in and finding me in bed after killing my daughter or dragging her to the bedroom to have her watch him kill me, or vice versa. 

I don't sleep much anymore...
I just want..... Too much I guess...


Nothing I do is good enough and I'm tired of it. I go to school, can't use the degrees because nobody will hire me freelance and I can't go to a normal office environment. I also refuse to work in a mail room with hopes that one magic day I'll be an artist like the real employees.. -_- not..happening...


And another thing.... If you want me to back out just say so. Being stepped all over my some kid that doesn't know half what I know is pissing me off... Especially when she doesn't discuss anything WITH ME and can't do the tasks she's actually attempting correctly and it looks like shit!

2-2-15

OMG, he's asleep!! 



Bryan hasn't slept in over 3 days for longer than an hour without waking up with the worst tooth pain he says he's ever experienced. He's tried amoxicillan, which worked but only for a few hours at a time, and only if he used the kids pink kind, not the grown up pill form. He tried clove oil and it didn't touch it, peppermint oil, that worked for one night, but only when it was one tooth. Now it's three... We have tried everything I have for pain, motrin, acetaminophen, naproxen(his script), and nothing was helping. Orajel made it worse, his coworker told him to try menthol cough drops, and they didn't do much he said... and then... after looking online and researching and more looking and nearly 4 days.... I found something that smells like spiced jellybeans from my grandma's house. The stuff is called Eugenol... and apparently it tastes like shit (Says Bryan) and the application hurt him some.... but after 5 minutes his pain went from 13(on a scale of 1-10) to 6, and then after 5 more minutes, the pain had died down to where he said it was just a 2(scale of 1-10) and he laid down and fell asleep!! ^_^ 

I'm awake and doing homework so I can't go to bed, but I feel so much better now that I know that my research has paid off and he's feeling better enough to sleep.... he'd been up for 40 hours straight and needed sleep badly. Luckily hes got today and tomorrow off too, and we are supposed to be going to David's Bridal to look at wedding dresses today sometime ^_^ . So hopefully the eugenol helps him through all of that and more! Making him an appointment with a sliding scale dentist tomorrow and hopefully having those teeth removed soon. I can't bear to see him in so much pain. I'm just glad I was able to help. Even if it doesn't help for an extended period of time, a little at a time is better than nothing but waking up hearing him puking his guts our from the pain he's in and having to drink cold water every 30 seconds to try keeping it numb-ish. 

10-21-14

Okay so I was reading a cute little article and at the end was a "Top Ten Ways To Know You've Found The One". So naturally I decided to have a peek... And while reading them HE popped into my head for every one. He does each and every one of these...! I think he's the real deal. I have found my twin flame. And I can't wait to be free from this chained prison where I feel I have to hide who I am from everyone but him. In case you're wondering... These are the ten signs I read. ^_^ 

1. Not everyone is sexually compatible, so when you find someone who shares your sexual interests, it's something to keep in mind. He's right there with you. He shares your idea of romance and makes sure it happens for you both, regardless of how silly it may sound to someone else.

2. One thing you've probably already realized is that you don't have to fake anything around him. It doesn't matter if you're at a good place in life or at your lowest point. The fact is, he knows who you truly are and doesn't expect you to be anything else. You could have quite a few bad traits you're still trying to improve, but he'll still think the sun shines out of your... well, you get it.

3. A lot of couples who've had a long, happy marriage will tell you; what is their partner's happiness is their happiness. True love doesn't get jealous for the other succeeding or deem it as insignificant. If you truly love each other, you are genuinely happy about the things that make your partner happy and he's genuinely happy about the things that please you too.

4. You could have had the best day in the world, but it just doesn't feel complete if you haven't shared some of it with him. You could have been thought the absolute worst day you've had in recent memory, and even with a million things running through your head, all you want is him.

5. Have you ever seen those couples where one person is way better looking than the other and yet, they're both just as into each other? It doesn't matter who finds either of you attractive, what matters is that you're so into each other. You mutually find each other physically, mentally and spiritually attractive!

6. Of course you're already sharing life with him, but when he's "the one" you will want to share everything with him. You want to have experiences with him, you want to plan your future with him, when you picture your life five years down the road, it's him by your side.

7. Love is not selfish. A truly loving relationship is not one-sided for either party and neither of you are simply focused on getting your own way. Instead of fighting all the time about the dumbest things, you learn to work together to make both parties happy.

8. You want a guy who listens to you, but you want him to also actually HEAR what you're saying. This is the guy who has truly taken note of the things you're saying and learned all about what you like, dislike and feel about any given situation.

9. It is so important that you're with a guy who loves you for who you are. True love is without condition, so even if you feel like you're too talkative, not talented enough or aren't the exact dress size you want to be, he doesn't care and he loves you for you.

10. Not only does he love you for you, he tells his loved ones about you. You are the person he is proud to be in a relationship with and he wants to make sure all of the other important people in his life know about it.