10-12-2021

 You would think that with four able bodied people living here that the house would stay clean and that the bunnies and cat litter would always be clean and not smell or have flies or any of that shit. But it is a disaster. It is bad. 

FYI- this post references two DID systems of you are unfamiliar with these, feel free to reach out and ask or do research on credible collegiate websites. Please do not make assumptions or accusations. Thank you. 

Jaden screwed up an entire day planned for cleaning and getting things accomplished due to her selfishness and was called out by multiple people throughout the day and still refused to dissent. At around four in the evening Jaden approached Rae and let her know that she was going to let Boulder come out but at that point the only time Rae and Boulder would have had to spend together was to cook dinner, feed children and themselves, clean the kitchen before and after dinner, medicate the children, send children to bed, separate the laundry, make the bed, go to sleep. They would have had no real time together to talk or anything. It was not until I came out and lost my temper that she actually had a true emotional reaction and her reaction was not to say anything or to apologize or explain herself. She started to cry and try to gain more attention and make someone feel sorry for her by crying and it did not work on me. She was told to sit down by her husband Fenixx so that she did not fall and hurt her ankle or re-injure the sprained ankle. Every time someone was speaking to her she would be falling asleep. But when they walked away she would pick up a phone and play games or get on social media and THAT kept her awake. So it was not that she couldn’t stay awake. It’s that she did not care to try because she did not want to be having the current conversation. So, Fenixx tells her to sit down thinning she would probably fall asleep and he glances out (we have a strict no phones policy except special reasons such as obedience, posting to D/s on Instagram when people after/before scening, etc.) and he heard  a noise so he looks to see and she’s on the phone on Instagram. After nine pm. Just passing time. Staying awake. No reason to be on the phone really. Disrespecting the rule that was agreed upon by both hosts to make them have unplugged time with each other daily. So they are not lost in technology. And proving to Fenixx that she could stay awake on the phone, but not for him. So he left front and Dakoda asked me to take over. So I did. And I laid into thistle little girl hard. Because her actions hurt four people yesterday. She was selfish and her actions were unwarranted. I explained to her what Rae had planned (little time) and how Rae had it planned and when it was planned. I let her know what she missed out on due to her actions. Her choices. Choice and accountability. It is a big rule here with Rae.

2-22-2020

I don't even know why I try. The harder I try, the less I get. I do everything for them... and nothing I get in return. They don't even care. None of them do. I spent all night and morning in the hospital worried sick about my son because he said he wanted to commit suicide I come home and all they want to do is play on their phones and complain that there's nothing to do. All I want is to spend time with my kids.. But what do I get? "I'm sorry" without any real proof by way of showing it with actions because they say "sorry" and then they go back to devices. 

My older two won't call me mom. I'm "Bridgette" no matter how hard I try, they won’t even try. It's so hard. I'm supportive, I show I'm invested and interested in things they want to tell me. I try my hardest to show up for everything they ask me to be there for. Nothing I do is good enough for them. 

This is all I ever get... Kids that ignore me and just use me as a scape goat for bullshit. I sacrifice sleep, plans, gas, everything a parent should for my kids... all of them... and what do I get? Lied to, stolen from, and used. 

"I'm sorry mom" for acting like a brat and getting my phone after you made it clear you didn't want us to because you wanted to watch a movie and spend time together...
*goes right back to phone and plays videos*

Like... seriously???

What the hell?

This is all I ever see!!

I'm in tears and instead of listening and putting down devices, they decide that they're going to all go bake a cake.


ALL I WANTED WAS AN HOUR AND A HALF OF TIME!


BUT NO...

they spent two and a half hours as far away as they could, making a cake "for me" so they could feel better.

 I understand that they think they're helping, but it's not helping.... I just wanted to watch one movie with them and play a game of D&D.

They obviously just want to come over here so they can have a new place to play on phones and do nothing. SO, whatever.

7-1-19

Shower, then bedtime for me. I'm kinda done trying today. I was good for like a minute... but then everything exploded. I get left out of everything. I'm told I'm important but when it comes down to it, I'm not even close. You go and do everything huge and fun with everyone else and never think to invite me. You invite my kid sometimes, but not both of them, and you make me feel like you don't love one as much as the other. Not even as much as you love the other kids that also aren't..... nevermind... I might not be able to go to things, but I would feel so much more... cared about, or thought about if I got an invite. You don't even call or ask if I can or want to go. You're always going everywhere with your real siblings, but I'm an afterthought. You go to fun places and post pics "having fun with my family" and I get it, they're your family too... but I never even get invited. It hurts me more than I'd like to admit. Even if I had to decline, I'd know that you thought about me and wanted me around if you invited me. "Hey we're going to do this thing on this day, wanna come?"


I invite you to things, but you decline and all I get is tossed aside while you go all over and do fun things with everyone else. I even offered to pay the entire way and you still don't want to do things with me. 😞


I've tried getting the guts to tell you this many times, but everytime I do, I chicken out because I'm afraid of your reaction. I'm afraid you'll tell me I'm right and then I won't even have you.


I have no real family I guess.

• My mom is ....my mom, and she's tossed me aside more than once, so I don't have a mom.
• My dad... is no dad... I don't want to be associated with him in any way. I wasn't important enough to him as a child, and as an adult, he let me down in more way than one... so... no, I don't have one of those.
• My middle, younger brother wrote me off a couple years before he committed suicide, and I never got the chance to tell him I still love and care about him no matter what he thinks of me, and that's going to eat away at me forever.
• My oldest younger sister came out to me as trans MTF and when I told her I accepted and supported her 100%, she stopped talking to me and to this day, I have no idea why... but I still love her.
• My youngest little sister that I wanted so badly and prayed for and love with everything I have in me, probably doesn't even know I exist because my mom refuses to let me talk to any of them.
• My youngest little brother.. knows I exist, but never talks to me and I don't know why. I haven't seen either of the last two in...almost a decade...
• My one older brother is gay and idk why, but one day he just stopped talking to me. No warning, no nothing... I message him from time to time checking in and telling him I care about him, but never get a response.
• My other older brother hated me (or so I thought) until recently when I got to go to his wedding, which was the first time I'd ever spent more than 30 mins with him....ever.. but I still don't know where we stand there.
• and then there's you... You're successful, don't depend on anyone, have custody of all your kids, they both have the same dad, they're doing so many great things to make you proud every day, you get to go to amusement parks all the time, and trips out of state, and go do so much with them and you never have to worry about if you do this, will you have money for rent, or insurance, or anything. I see pics you post on fb all the time when you go on driving vacations... different states, attractions... you invite everyone else.. but I get overlooked and forgotten about. You bring everyone else... think about everyone else... but never me.

My feelings don't matter though, so I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not like you're ever going to read it. Because I won't tell you where it is. I'm to scared that me telling you this will push you away like my thoughts and feelings push away everyone else I care about.

3-20-19

"Maybe", "later", and "for now" are the worst words in the English language. 

Uncertainty triggers the worst anxiety. Especially these days, with everyone making such loose plans. Let's just make our plans now and be done with it, thank you very much.

No, a panic attack is not simply freaking out. It's like when you're crying and you cannot breathe and everything will not be OK and it never has been OK and you feel like you're going to die. Stop using the words "panic attack" so loosely... For those of us that have them, they're real, they can be paralyzing, and they suck. 

Waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back asleep because your brain is a spinning wheel of anxiety. 

You have so much to do tomorrow and now you're going to be so tired and you basically ruined everything and oh my god, I accidentally said that weird thing to my boss the other day and now she totally hates me and...UGH! 

Trust me, if I could stop worrying about how I'm going to get all my work done and if I'm going to be late for dinner, I'd stop. You telling me to stop worrying just makes me worry about it even more.

I feel anxiety about the tiniest things. 

My phone is going to run out of battery, even if it's at 53 percent. And why didn't I get invited to that get-together? Oh my god, I forgot to eat breakfast, and now I am going to be late and it's all my fault.

I freak out about being early...or late... — Will it be weird? What will I do while I'm waiting? — but if you're late, you freak out about keeping someone waiting or or having your boss get mad at you or...UGH! 

11-15-15

When I was 4 my mom moved us to another state for a guy she had met online. I don't remember much other than not wanting to leave my grandmother in Ohio. She was my only grandma and I would miss her greatly. I remember bits and pieces of the man named Phillip Meek. I remember his house looked huge to me. I remember that he had a cool treehouse in his backyard! I remember my bedroom was across the hall from his and my mom's. ....and I remember that he taught me, at 4 or 5 years old... how to straddle a man's face, among other things. I remember watching pornos with a woman in a blue wig performing fellatio, I remember him telling me if I told anyone that I would lose my mom, and I remember him touching me in places NO MAN should ever touch a woman or man without consent and never a child for any reason. Being that I just lost my grandma, I was scared, but I still told my school counselor. The school informed my mother who went to the police. The judge, being told by my mother that we lived with the offender, granted me a 10ft restraining order. Can you believe that? 10...feet... Meaning, my mom didn't have to move, I could still be in the house with this monster.




After a while my mom started to get relaxed on the restraining order and didn't make him stay away from me. I mean, how could she? My bedroom was 4ft from theirs, right across the hall. He gave me a huge bear for some reason... I think it might have been my birthday, and asked if he could give me a hug.. I was a child, I looked to my mom and she nodded her head, so I hugged this... facade of what a man is.

I remember going to counseling appointments where they put me in a room with a mirror I could see straight through at the little blinky red light on the other side. I remember the anatomically correct plush people that I was handed and asked to re-create what had been happening to me.




I hated it. I felt like I was the one in trouble. Like I was being interrogated every time I went in. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted it to go away. But I did what I was told and showed the lady counselor.




Eventually, my mom left Phillip and got together with another man named Ron.




Ron had a kitten and he lived in a basement type apartment and we also eventually moved back to Ohio! I was excited that I was going to be around my grandma again! We lived upstairs from her in her duplex even, so it was even beter!




My grandma was an alcoholic, but she always made me feel important, never let her problems affect her relationship with me and I adored her to the moon and back twice!




One day, a while after we were living there, I remember Ron calling me into his and my moms bedroom. I was nervous still from Phillip, but I listened and did as I was told. I was in my nightgown that day. He asked me to take it off. He asked me to come to him. he said it like a question, but I knew better. I knew it wasn't. Here it was... new guy, new house, same nightmare. He touched me and licked me in placed that felt weird. I didn't like it, it was slimy and gross feeling. He told me that I'd learn to like it and that he needed to show me the right way. Told me I'd be "daddy's little girl" it would be our secret. He would lay me in the bed with him and cover me up next to him, while watching movies with my little brothers sitting right at the foot of the bed, or on the floor next to the bed, and he would be touching me. putting his fingers in places that hurt when he pushed inside.




I told my mom. After all, she was there for me last time, this would be the right thing to do. Right?

No.

My mom told me that everything would be alright. Told me that we would handle it as a family and that we would all talk. That it would stop.

But it didn't. It continues for a long time. I decided that telling my mom didn't work. So I told my grandmother. She was outraged! Told me that she was going to make it stop. Grandma called the police and when my mom saw the car pull in, she called me upstairs. My grandma told me to listen to my mom and go up there, that she would have them knock in a few minutes. While upstairs, my mom told me that if I told the cops that my grandmother was telling the truth that the cops would take me away from my family and I'd never see my mom or brothers again.For me to lie and say that my grandma was just drunk and didn't know what she was talking about. That we would talk about it as a family, she meant it this time, she would stop it and no cops. Once again, I believed her and lied to the police for her. I was so young I didn't realize I was causing irreparable damage to my ability to tell anyone again. Ron managed to get away with this for nearly 11 years before anyone believed me again. All while my mom wouldn't listen. She would tell people I was having flashbacks from living with Phillip. I knew I wasn't lying, but it did no good because I had lied once to the police. When I was 16, my best friend, confidant, sweetheart... my everything.... listened to me. For the first time in a very long time, someone listened and wanted to help... He said he would call that night and then call the police and to be ready. I stole the cordless phone to my room and waited. When he called, I was ready, he called the police right after giving me a pep talk. Told me I could do this and that he was there for me. When the cops arrived I asked to talk to them alone. I was a teenager and not a child anymore, so I could talk to them alone finally. I didn't lie that night. I told the whole truth and they took me away. Placed me with a friend of my mom's who also didn't believe me and they started a CPS investigation. My mom sided with my abuser. The filth that had repeatedly touched, and anally raped me for a decade... my own flesh and blood MOTHER.... sided with HIM. I was so furious and hurt and just... confused.. My mom shipped me off to live with extended family I had never met and continued to stay with Ron. By this time I had 3 brothers and a sister. All I could imagine was, what would happen if he touched my sister? I found out he was also touching my brothers. I was shipped away so my mom didn't have to deal with me.




Years later my biological father came around and scared Ron off in a selfish ploy to win my mom back. After Ron was gone and I had moved out and started healing, I had already given up trying to prosecute Ron because nobody would help me and I thought it was too late. Then I found out that my mom... the woman who gave birth to me...gave me life... helped my younger brother prosecute Ron in a plea deal so she couldn't get in any trouble for allowing it to happen. This made me feel less than low. Beyond gone.. My mom, abandoned me with complete strangers and allowed this....thing to touch me for most of my childhood, excused it, lied to people for him, defended his every breath... wouldn't be there when it came to me.... BUT, when my brother needed her voice... she was all in... This led to questions like 

Why doesn't my mom love me? 

Why wouldn't she help me? 

What's wrong with me? 

Is she ashamed of me?

What did I do so wrong?

Did I deserve it?

Was she in on it?

Why doesn't my mommy love me like she loves them?

none of these questions will ever have answers.... ever.... because when I ask them... she deflects.

I recently found out that my mom is FRIENDS on Facebook with Phillip Meek! 

When I asked her how she could do that. Why she'd do that. Why is she friends with a man who could hurt her child so.... her response was that I don't have the right to tell her who she can and can't be friends with.

and I'M the child!!????

 I decided right then that I wouldn't let anyone feel that way. Not my kids, not friends kids, no child at any age should feel like the ones that are around them, don't care. Boy, Girl, Man, Woman, Child, Adult.... Everyone deserves someone to be there for them and help them through everything.Nobody deserves the things I went through. Nobody should feel like their mom doesn't care about them.

8-29-15

I'm so glad that you can't pay your rent and need utility help, and complain that your food stamps went down again, and your car is broken and you can't afford a new one or to repair the one you have, but you can afford to go all over hell's creation. Can't be bothered to save up to come to my wedding, but you have the money to go on a road trip. 

Am I not important?

I live all the way across the country. 

Someone I've never met, ever in my life, is excited and has said more about my wedding and seeing me and visiting than you have. 😢 I just got caught up on my rent and it's due again with this next check, so my daughter will be starting kindergarten without a few things on her list. Do you know how bad that feels? No, because someone's always been there to bail you out one way or another. But I haven't complained to you about it. Because if you're not bitching about something, you're not happy. 

If you don't care about him, stop checking up on him. 

If you can't afford your rent, don't go on road trips. 

"I can't pay all my bills but I am buying wine."

 I receive food stamps. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I haven't really gotten anything out of my pocket for myself in MONTHS. Because we can't afford it. Simple as that. 

But see, I can't talk to you about these things, because you'll defend your actions, call me irrational or jealous or whatever, and stop talking to me. And then I'll fall into my emotional pit again. And I'm tired of losing people. So I'll just keep it here and to myself. Eventually it'll go away. It always does.