2-1-15

Dreams? Paranoia? Nerves?

That is what I'm trying to figure out. I'm a very paranoid person and I'm always scared something bad is going to happen but lately I've been having some weird dreams... Like this one last night.. 

I had gotten paid on the first of the month, like always, and I sent Bryan to the store for medicine or something... OH, and gas in the truck... and when he returned home, he had books.. upon books upon books.. Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Master Guides, Novels, Game Cheats, and more! He had spent well over $100 on books that we really couldn't afford because of bills, gas, the wedding, the people we owe,.. So I got upset and told him that he shouldn't have bought the books and he responds that it's ok because he put $10 in the gas tank, and looked at me, he was completely serious. I became INSTANTLY livid... I started yelling at him and telling him that we can't afford this, and that ten dollars isn't enough gas to get us through an entire week until he gets paid and if this is how he's going to spend our family's money that he was going to be SOL, because I just couldn't do it. I told him I was finished(meaning with the conversation) and got up to go to the kitchen and he stood up, grabbed me, pulled me in really close and started crying. (now this is a big deal, because it takes a lot to make this man cry.) He started asking me not to leave, that he didn't want to upset me and that he didn't want me to leave him. He didn't want me to be "done" and he was sorry and that he'd return the books and he was so sorry. All of a sudden, I felt horrible, like a slave driver. I didn't want him to comply and submit, I just wanted him to understand that we couldn't afford to spend money on these things right now. I looked into his eyes and he looked so vacant, broken. Like I had taken all the joy from him. I reached forward to touch his face and I woke up. 

I'm so at a loss of words for how this dream/nightmare made me feel... I'm hoping its nerves and paranoia. But I can't stop running through the what ifs...