5-27-2020

je déteste tout en ce moment. je ne vaux rien. désespéré. personne n'en a jamais rien à foutre. je ne peux même pas parler à personne car il sera utilisé contre moi plus tard. alors oui ... je déteste tout. mon mari veut juste que je cuisine, nettoie et fasse l'amour. c'est tout. je ne veux pas faire l'amour parce que je ne me sens pas sexy. je ne me sens pas attirant. je me sens comme rien. je veux juste déjà mourir putain! j'ai pensé à le quitter et on m'a dit que je devais travailler. mais comment suis-je censé travailler sur des choses si l'autre partie ne joue pas correctement? je veux juste quelqu'un qui va m'aimer. veux que je sois moi. comprendre que mon état mental ne peut pas être aidé. c'est pourquoi je ne peux pas le quitter. personne d'autre ne traitera avec moi. personne d'autre ne sera jamais disposé à s'occuper de mes démons. pas par choix. Im trop fou pour personne. même ce seul gars sur qui je regardais. je suis presque sûr de l'avoir effrayé. n'a pas d'importance de toute façon. je n'ai pas le courage de partir de toute façon. je vais juste rester ici et être misérable. c'est n'importe quoi. je ne pourrais pas arracher Eryn de lui si j'essayais. elle serait dévastée.

2-22-2020

I don't even know why I try. The harder I try, the less I get. I do everything for them... and nothing I get in return. They don't even care. None of them do. I spent all night and morning in the hospital worried sick about my son because he said he wanted to commit suicide I come home and all they want to do is play on their phones and complain that there's nothing to do. All I want is to spend time with my kids.. But what do I get? "I'm sorry" without any real proof by way of showing it with actions because they say "sorry" and then they go back to devices. 

My older two won't call me mom. I'm "Bridgette" no matter how hard I try, they won’t even try. It's so hard. I'm supportive, I show I'm invested and interested in things they want to tell me. I try my hardest to show up for everything they ask me to be there for. Nothing I do is good enough for them. 

This is all I ever get... Kids that ignore me and just use me as a scape goat for bullshit. I sacrifice sleep, plans, gas, everything a parent should for my kids... all of them... and what do I get? Lied to, stolen from, and used. 

"I'm sorry mom" for acting like a brat and getting my phone after you made it clear you didn't want us to because you wanted to watch a movie and spend time together...
*goes right back to phone and plays videos*

Like... seriously???

What the hell?

This is all I ever see!!

I'm in tears and instead of listening and putting down devices, they decide that they're going to all go bake a cake.


ALL I WANTED WAS AN HOUR AND A HALF OF TIME!


BUT NO...

they spent two and a half hours as far away as they could, making a cake "for me" so they could feel better.

 I understand that they think they're helping, but it's not helping.... I just wanted to watch one movie with them and play a game of D&D.

They obviously just want to come over here so they can have a new place to play on phones and do nothing. SO, whatever.

7-1-19

Shower, then bedtime for me. I'm kinda done trying today. I was good for like a minute... but then everything exploded. I get left out of everything. I'm told I'm important but when it comes down to it, I'm not even close. You go and do everything huge and fun with everyone else and never think to invite me. You invite my kid sometimes, but not both of them, and you make me feel like you don't love one as much as the other. Not even as much as you love the other kids that also aren't..... nevermind... I might not be able to go to things, but I would feel so much more... cared about, or thought about if I got an invite. You don't even call or ask if I can or want to go. You're always going everywhere with your real siblings, but I'm an afterthought. You go to fun places and post pics "having fun with my family" and I get it, they're your family too... but I never even get invited. It hurts me more than I'd like to admit. Even if I had to decline, I'd know that you thought about me and wanted me around if you invited me. "Hey we're going to do this thing on this day, wanna come?"


I invite you to things, but you decline and all I get is tossed aside while you go all over and do fun things with everyone else. I even offered to pay the entire way and you still don't want to do things with me. 😞


I've tried getting the guts to tell you this many times, but everytime I do, I chicken out because I'm afraid of your reaction. I'm afraid you'll tell me I'm right and then I won't even have you.


I have no real family I guess.

• My mom is ....my mom, and she's tossed me aside more than once, so I don't have a mom.
• My dad... is no dad... I don't want to be associated with him in any way. I wasn't important enough to him as a child, and as an adult, he let me down in more way than one... so... no, I don't have one of those.
• My middle, younger brother wrote me off a couple years before he committed suicide, and I never got the chance to tell him I still love and care about him no matter what he thinks of me, and that's going to eat away at me forever.
• My oldest younger sister came out to me as trans MTF and when I told her I accepted and supported her 100%, she stopped talking to me and to this day, I have no idea why... but I still love her.
• My youngest little sister that I wanted so badly and prayed for and love with everything I have in me, probably doesn't even know I exist because my mom refuses to let me talk to any of them.
• My youngest little brother.. knows I exist, but never talks to me and I don't know why. I haven't seen either of the last two in...almost a decade...
• My one older brother is gay and idk why, but one day he just stopped talking to me. No warning, no nothing... I message him from time to time checking in and telling him I care about him, but never get a response.
• My other older brother hated me (or so I thought) until recently when I got to go to his wedding, which was the first time I'd ever spent more than 30 mins with him....ever.. but I still don't know where we stand there.
• and then there's you... You're successful, don't depend on anyone, have custody of all your kids, they both have the same dad, they're doing so many great things to make you proud every day, you get to go to amusement parks all the time, and trips out of state, and go do so much with them and you never have to worry about if you do this, will you have money for rent, or insurance, or anything. I see pics you post on fb all the time when you go on driving vacations... different states, attractions... you invite everyone else.. but I get overlooked and forgotten about. You bring everyone else... think about everyone else... but never me.

My feelings don't matter though, so I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not like you're ever going to read it. Because I won't tell you where it is. I'm to scared that me telling you this will push you away like my thoughts and feelings push away everyone else I care about.

7-31-18

Parfois j'arrive à penser que je devrais vraiment faire mes devoirs, alors qu'il est tôt ... tu sais? Mais ensuite je me rends compte que je ne peux pas parce que j'ai des tâches ménagères à faire ou à cuisiner, donc je vais commencer à nettoyer et ensuite décider où commencer ... Je commence généralement par les plats parce qu'ils semblent plus simples et moins longs consommer, mais ensuite je me rends compte que j'ai 6 bols blancs, mais seulement 4 sont dans l'évier, donc je dois chasser les 2 autres, parce que ... Je dois .. Alors je sors pour voir si je peux trouver l'autre 2 bols, non? Eh bien, sur le chemin je trouve une chaussette sale, ce qui m'agace parce que je jure que j'ai dit à mon enfant de ramasser ça ... mais peu importe, je le ramasse parce que ça doit être fait. Puis je me rends compte qu'il y a une serviette sur la chaise et une chemise sur la table, et je sais que je me demande s'il y a du linge sale dans la maison, peut-être que je peux commencer une lessive ... c'est joli simple droit? Eh bien, alors je vais à la recherche de linge pour voir la chambre de ma fille est un gâchis horrible, alors je commence à le ramasser parce que c'est plus facile que de discuter avec elle de le ramasser elle-même. Je trouve là-dedans une télécommande qui ne lui appartient pas et qui va l'emmener à l'endroit où elle appartient et tomber sur une bouteille de shampoing dans le couloir que je voulais mettre dans l'armoire il y a quelques jours mais que j'ai oublié la bouteille de shampoing car je dois faire pipi et aller dans la salle de bain pour faire ça. Pendant ce temps, j'ai encore des vêtements dans les mains que j'ai rassemblés et je ne range pas le shampoing, mais pendant que je suis dans la salle de bain, je me rends compte que les toilettes ont besoin d'un gommage. Eh bien, ça ne prendra pas trop de temps, je vais juste le frotter très vite. Oh, et la baignoire et le lavabo aussi ... parce que je suis là ... alors pourquoi pas ... non? Ensuite, je vais balayer ou éponger et réaliser que le balai est en haut mais la pelle est en bas. Pas de problème, je me dis ... Je vais tout balayer et ensuite quand je vais faire la lessive, je vais remonter et balayer la pile dans la pelle à poussière et en finir avec. Mais alors je repèrerai une cuillère dans la chambre de ma fille et j'irai là-bas et LA BLANCHISSERIE! y en a partout! Donc, je commence à ramasser le désordre, décider ce qui est sale et propre est presque impossible, mais je le fais et trouve une poche de jus et un BOL BLANC! Eh bien ... je me sens accompli! J'ai trouvé le bol blanc! attends ... qu'est-ce que je faisais? Oh oui. la lessive ... dois mettre une charge dans la lessive ... finir de ranger les saloperies des garçons et balayer et ramasser les jouets et faire les lits et puis je bouge pour descendre et me rendre compte qu'il y a de la merde sur le mur ... oui ... merde .... Donc, je dois nettoyer cela parce que GROSS! alors je frotte et je me fais mal et je vais me laver les mains dans la salle de bain ... Je vois que je ne me suis jamais souvenu de rincer la baignoire et de trébucher sur la poubelle que j'ai balayée .. Alors maintenant je dois la ramasser et essayez d'utiliser mes mains comme une pelle, mais cela ne fonctionne pas bien, alors je reviens à mon plan d'origine et décide de revenir avec une pelle à poussière. Descends pour réaliser que j'ai laissé les vêtements à l'étage que j'allais laver, mais j'ai le bol! Donc, je décide de laver les plats que je peux trouver et de trouver le bol plus tard, mais le téléphone sonne et je ne peux pas laver la vaisselle et parler car l'eau est trop forte et je m'inquiète constamment de laisser tomber mon téléphone dans l'évier . Donc, je me promène dans la maison pendant un moment au téléphone pour parler à l'appelant. Quand l'appel est fait, je me rends compte que j'ai déjà 3 ans et que je n'ai rien sorti pour le dîner! Ensuite, je vais au congélateur pour trouver quelque chose pour le repas et je me rends compte que l'intérieur du réfrigérateur et du congélateur est dégoûtant et qu'il renifle quand il expire. Oh non ... le temps de nettoyer ça ... maintenant ... une heure plus tard, tout est sorti du frigo, le frigo est à moitié nettoyé, mes enfants sont à la maison et demandent ce qu'il y a à dîner, je leur dis de faire leurs devoirs et je leur displus tard. Je continue à nettoyer le frigo et finalement, autour de 5 c'est fait.Méticuleusement et dans le meilleur ordre et les condiments à gauche ont été lavés et remis en place et disposés de sorte qu'ils vont tous à leur place et les vieilles choses sont dans la poubelle, mais la poubelle est pleine, donc je décide que je devrais changer le sac poubelle et mon mari marche dans la porte ... regarde autour de lui et demande .... "Qu'avez-vous fait toute la journée?"

«Eh bien, lui dis-je, j'ai lavé les plats * à l'eau savonneuse froide et à la vaisselle sale *» et j'ai fait la lessive, mais les chambres des enfants étaient en désordre et la salle de bain était dégueulasse et j'allais dîner mais quand j'ai ouvert le frigo, j'ai vu que c'était méchant alors j'ai commencé à le nettoyer. "

"Alors, rien alors?" Répond-il.

"Eh bien, non ... j'ai fait beaucoup ... de ... .tout ... chose ..." Je boude en regardant autour de moi pour voir que je n'ai pas accompli 100% de tout ce que j'ai commencé à faire et maintenant je dois trouver rapidement / dîner facile parce que tout est gelé et je suis frustré ... Je me sens fatigué et triste maintenant. Je pense ... que peut-être ... je devrais aller m'allonger parce que je suis fatigué de tout le travail que j'ai fait sans accomplir quelque chose et épuisé par la déception que je vois dans ses yeux parce qu'il ne comprend pas que j'ai essayé faire beaucoup, mais mon cerveau ... à penser ...

8-10-17

J'abandonne.

Je suis si malade et fatigué de chaque petite chose qui pourrait aller mal, aller mal. Je ne peux même pas commencer à expliquer mon dernier mois, mais il est sur le point de réduire énormément les choses 48 heures si je ne trouve pas une issue. Je ne sais pas quoi faire. Personne n'est jamais là pour moi quand j'ai besoin d'aide, mais je suis toujours là pour tout le monde. Je ne peux pas dire trop de gens ce qui se passe ou les gens que je ne veux pas dans mon entreprise le saurons. Aussi, si je ne le dis pas à quelqu'un, je vais exploser! Je ne peux rien faire. Je ne peux pas être le mauvais. Je ne peux pas être le seul à faire des progrès. Je ne peux pas tenir les autres. Je suis une erreur.

Essayez une chose: impasse.

Essayez la deuxième chose: plus grande impasse.

Passez près de deux mille dollars pour une chasse au trésor qui n'a pas de trésor pour moi parce que je ne peux pas être qualifié.

Trouvez quelqu'un qui PEUT aider, mais alors ils ne peuvent aider que si je les trouve un moyen d'aider, alors je cherche des moyens, et je trouve même des impasses mroe.

Vous dites que vous voulez aider, ou que vous essayez, mais tout ce que je vois, c'est les jeux vidéo, la lecture et le fait de dire combien vous ne pouvez pas faire parce que vous avez "essayé".

3-24-16

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I am so lost and can't find my way and nothing works and everything I try fails and the people I care about think I don't care because I'm always fucking busy and I drive 60 miles a day and never sleep more than an hour at a time and I'm always driving one place or another and I can't save money because I'm spending all the money we have on gas so I can't find a place to go because I have no money but I need money to move and husband needs the job to make money and we need money for gas and I can't handle this shit anymore! I want to scream, but who cares right? I want to cry every minute of every day but I can't because I have to adult. I want to read and color and do nothing for a week, but I can't because I'm the adult, I'm the grownup, I'm the mom. I want to eat but can't afford food while I'm going through this. I try to keep in touch and fail and now my friends are all pissed off because I haven't kept good contact when they needed me. Well, I needed someone too. Still do. But you're dealing with as much shit as me so I just kept mine to myself and tried listening to you and helping you. But the more I tried, the more I failed.

I wake up every morning between 6 and 7am(depending on if I hear the clock or force myself back to sleep for a tiny bit before getting up). I'm dressed, kids(2) dressed, husband dressed, breakfast prepped and packed, backpacks, keys, lunch stuff packed, out the door by 7:45am. Take daughter to school, go to library and wait for them to open at 9:30am. Sit in parking lot in truck and eat breakfast with son and husband. Library opens, go inside. Get on computer and look for houses and put in job applications (usually 2). 11:15am alarm goes off on phone... time to check mail and take husband to work. Drive husband to work, come back to library and put in another job application or two while I wait for 3pm so I can leave to get daughter from school. Grab her and go BACK to the library so that we can read and do homework and she can study and not be stuck in the truck. Between 5 and 7, leave library. Go to McDonald's across from hubby's work so I can have WiFi and kids can play and run around and get out energy while we wait for husband to get off work between 8:30-9:15pm. Husband gets off work and walks over to us at McDonald's. Get kids packed into truck and drive home. Arrive home around 9:30-45pm. Figure out what to feed kids, cook it, feed kids. By this point it's nearly 11pm and the kids and I and husband are exhausted. Shuffle kids to bed begrudgingly and wait for them to be asleep before we go to bed ourselves. I'm in bed around 2am every night finally and then I have to wind my brain down. Because even though I'm exhausted, I'm not mentally able to fall asleep... SUUUUUUU..... I lie in bed and think, and breathe, and lie there..... until I finally fall asleep around 3am-ish. I will then continue to wake up every 45mins to hour until either my alarm goes off or I see daylight and can't talk my body into falling asleep due to night terrors, nightmares, flashbacks, whatever you wanna call em.. they suck and they feel real when I'm dreaming.. mmkay pumpkin??. I do this Tuesday through Friday. Every week. On Saturdays, I sometimes stay at the house, but then I accomplish NOTHING... so I mostly go to the library when I can, and I chase kids around and try to accomplish things while I'm chasing daughter and son around trying to make behaving happen... (doesn't happen btw). Sundays we may go to church, we may not... but even those days I'm unproductive because I can't access internet to accomplish anything really....  Mondays, I start my day just like Tuesday through Friday, but instead of taking husband to work, we stay at the library, get daughter when its time, and then check mail and go home and then I'm still depressed and anxious and shit! 

11-16-15

I want to scream and I need a trainer.... I break a sweat changing my shirt and I try talking to my counselor who's doing great but wants to focus on one thing at a time and I wanna just pour it all out and I only have an hour and I need more and now I see her every two weeks instead of every week but I don't want every other week. I'm tired of being all alone here and only having Bryan and kids. I don't even have colleagues because I can't get a job and my entire fucking life is going to hell and I'm trying to not tell and scream at everyone all the time and be a bitch but ya know.... I'm tired of everyone telling me to be positive and stop letting it get me down. Maybe I just wanna be held, invited to go out and hang out or go to the movies. I can't. Because I have nobody to watch my kids because I'm all alone aside from Bryan. I want to have friends face to face. I want my mom to be MY MOM not my sisters mom. Is she ashamed of me so bad that she's just going to replace me with her? I love my sister don't get me wrong but really?? She's mine. My mom. And yeah she's annoying and I can't stand most of the things that she's ever done to me but she's still MY MOM! And I can't vent to anyone because every time I try I get "oh I know, let me feed you my problems." I'm not looking for a game of my life's worse than yours. Maybe I just want a fucking ear to talk to. Shoulder to cry on. Maybe I'm sick and tired of being strong. Maybe I want someone to come to me. Make me a priority. Baby me.... I feel like I'm trying to search for something that doesn't exist.


My nightmares are coming back full force and I can't control them no matter how hard I try. I keep having flashbacks about him hitting me, throwing me down and kicking me. holding his hand over my throat until I started seeing stars and kicking and gurgling until the edges of my vision went blurry and darkened into blackness that crept into my point of view feeling like an ocean of hell washing over me.

Him walking in and finding me in bed after killing my daughter or dragging her to the bedroom to have her watch him kill me, or vice versa. 

I don't sleep much anymore...
I just want..... Too much I guess...


Nothing I do is good enough and I'm tired of it. I go to school, can't use the degrees because nobody will hire me freelance and I can't go to a normal office environment. I also refuse to work in a mail room with hopes that one magic day I'll be an artist like the real employees.. -_- not..happening...


And another thing.... If you want me to back out just say so. Being stepped all over my some kid that doesn't know half what I know is pissing me off... Especially when she doesn't discuss anything WITH ME and can't do the tasks she's actually attempting correctly and it looks like shit!

11-15-15

When I was 4 my mom moved us to another state for a guy she had met online. I don't remember much other than not wanting to leave my grandmother in Ohio. She was my only grandma and I would miss her greatly. I remember bits and pieces of the man named Phillip Meek. I remember his house looked huge to me. I remember that he had a cool treehouse in his backyard! I remember my bedroom was across the hall from his and my mom's. ....and I remember that he taught me, at 4 or 5 years old... how to straddle a man's face, among other things. I remember watching pornos with a woman in a blue wig performing fellatio, I remember him telling me if I told anyone that I would lose my mom, and I remember him touching me in places NO MAN should ever touch a woman or man without consent and never a child for any reason. Being that I just lost my grandma, I was scared, but I still told my school counselor. The school informed my mother who went to the police. The judge, being told by my mother that we lived with the offender, granted me a 10ft restraining order. Can you believe that? 10...feet... Meaning, my mom didn't have to move, I could still be in the house with this monster.




After a while my mom started to get relaxed on the restraining order and didn't make him stay away from me. I mean, how could she? My bedroom was 4ft from theirs, right across the hall. He gave me a huge bear for some reason... I think it might have been my birthday, and asked if he could give me a hug.. I was a child, I looked to my mom and she nodded her head, so I hugged this... facade of what a man is.

I remember going to counseling appointments where they put me in a room with a mirror I could see straight through at the little blinky red light on the other side. I remember the anatomically correct plush people that I was handed and asked to re-create what had been happening to me.




I hated it. I felt like I was the one in trouble. Like I was being interrogated every time I went in. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted it to go away. But I did what I was told and showed the lady counselor.




Eventually, my mom left Phillip and got together with another man named Ron.




Ron had a kitten and he lived in a basement type apartment and we also eventually moved back to Ohio! I was excited that I was going to be around my grandma again! We lived upstairs from her in her duplex even, so it was even beter!




My grandma was an alcoholic, but she always made me feel important, never let her problems affect her relationship with me and I adored her to the moon and back twice!




One day, a while after we were living there, I remember Ron calling me into his and my moms bedroom. I was nervous still from Phillip, but I listened and did as I was told. I was in my nightgown that day. He asked me to take it off. He asked me to come to him. he said it like a question, but I knew better. I knew it wasn't. Here it was... new guy, new house, same nightmare. He touched me and licked me in placed that felt weird. I didn't like it, it was slimy and gross feeling. He told me that I'd learn to like it and that he needed to show me the right way. Told me I'd be "daddy's little girl" it would be our secret. He would lay me in the bed with him and cover me up next to him, while watching movies with my little brothers sitting right at the foot of the bed, or on the floor next to the bed, and he would be touching me. putting his fingers in places that hurt when he pushed inside.




I told my mom. After all, she was there for me last time, this would be the right thing to do. Right?

No.

My mom told me that everything would be alright. Told me that we would handle it as a family and that we would all talk. That it would stop.

But it didn't. It continues for a long time. I decided that telling my mom didn't work. So I told my grandmother. She was outraged! Told me that she was going to make it stop. Grandma called the police and when my mom saw the car pull in, she called me upstairs. My grandma told me to listen to my mom and go up there, that she would have them knock in a few minutes. While upstairs, my mom told me that if I told the cops that my grandmother was telling the truth that the cops would take me away from my family and I'd never see my mom or brothers again.For me to lie and say that my grandma was just drunk and didn't know what she was talking about. That we would talk about it as a family, she meant it this time, she would stop it and no cops. Once again, I believed her and lied to the police for her. I was so young I didn't realize I was causing irreparable damage to my ability to tell anyone again. Ron managed to get away with this for nearly 11 years before anyone believed me again. All while my mom wouldn't listen. She would tell people I was having flashbacks from living with Phillip. I knew I wasn't lying, but it did no good because I had lied once to the police. When I was 16, my best friend, confidant, sweetheart... my everything.... listened to me. For the first time in a very long time, someone listened and wanted to help... He said he would call that night and then call the police and to be ready. I stole the cordless phone to my room and waited. When he called, I was ready, he called the police right after giving me a pep talk. Told me I could do this and that he was there for me. When the cops arrived I asked to talk to them alone. I was a teenager and not a child anymore, so I could talk to them alone finally. I didn't lie that night. I told the whole truth and they took me away. Placed me with a friend of my mom's who also didn't believe me and they started a CPS investigation. My mom sided with my abuser. The filth that had repeatedly touched, and anally raped me for a decade... my own flesh and blood MOTHER.... sided with HIM. I was so furious and hurt and just... confused.. My mom shipped me off to live with extended family I had never met and continued to stay with Ron. By this time I had 3 brothers and a sister. All I could imagine was, what would happen if he touched my sister? I found out he was also touching my brothers. I was shipped away so my mom didn't have to deal with me.




Years later my biological father came around and scared Ron off in a selfish ploy to win my mom back. After Ron was gone and I had moved out and started healing, I had already given up trying to prosecute Ron because nobody would help me and I thought it was too late. Then I found out that my mom... the woman who gave birth to me...gave me life... helped my younger brother prosecute Ron in a plea deal so she couldn't get in any trouble for allowing it to happen. This made me feel less than low. Beyond gone.. My mom, abandoned me with complete strangers and allowed this....thing to touch me for most of my childhood, excused it, lied to people for him, defended his every breath... wouldn't be there when it came to me.... BUT, when my brother needed her voice... she was all in... This led to questions like 

Why doesn't my mom love me? 

Why wouldn't she help me? 

What's wrong with me? 

Is she ashamed of me?

What did I do so wrong?

Did I deserve it?

Was she in on it?

Why doesn't my mommy love me like she loves them?

none of these questions will ever have answers.... ever.... because when I ask them... she deflects.

I recently found out that my mom is FRIENDS on Facebook with Phillip Meek! 

When I asked her how she could do that. Why she'd do that. Why is she friends with a man who could hurt her child so.... her response was that I don't have the right to tell her who she can and can't be friends with.

and I'M the child!!????

 I decided right then that I wouldn't let anyone feel that way. Not my kids, not friends kids, no child at any age should feel like the ones that are around them, don't care. Boy, Girl, Man, Woman, Child, Adult.... Everyone deserves someone to be there for them and help them through everything.Nobody deserves the things I went through. Nobody should feel like their mom doesn't care about them.

7-19-15

If there's one thing that being overweight has taught me it's not to judge someone you don't know. 

As a teenager, I was a mean little piss ant. 

I didn't give a shit if you could hear me laughing at your shoes or hair or weight. And I sure as hell didn't think 

"OMG, what does this person think of what I'm saying!?" 

But I do now. Boy do I. Everyone needs to remember that just because some looks a certain way doesn't make it their fault entirely. 

Maybe someone has a lazy eye. You make fun of them, but it's not like they woke up one morning and went 

"ya know what? I'm gonna make the left eye look down

and to the right all day.."

No overweight person woke up and decided to eat a truck load of twinkles one morning. 

Some of us try really...really hard and nothing changes. 

Weight doesn't come off,

scars don't fade;

and pain stays.

You don't know how hard I try and bust my ass and tell myself not to eat that cake because it's bad for me. But still, I weigh 278lbs. 

No matter what, I weigh 278. I guess you could say it's okay cause at least I'm not getting any bigger. But when people at the gym talk behind your back about 

"yeah, some fatty is pretending to run at 2.5mph" 

*chuckles and high fives his buddy*

I understand that 2.5mph is considered "slow walking" on MyFitnessPal, but when it's coupled with the fact that I was walking(breathlessly run-jogging) at 2.5mph on a level 3 incline(IDK what the numbers mean height wise) and I went for 35 minutes, that's a lot! Especially for someone like me. 

Today, some teenagers were in the parking lot of the store that I walked around in for 40 minutes for no reason. Just to exercise a little. 

Upon getting into the truck, I saw them looking...no...gawking at me. Eyes wide. Jaws slacked. And then one of them one says 

"Oh Em Gee, how can she even walk? 

Her legs must be buckling from under her." 

Now as much as I shouldn't let it bother me because she doesn't know me.... It did. 

It hurt a lot. 

Here I am. Enjoying the day. Taking pride that I burnt like 200 calories walking and this chick just couldn't stop herself. She doesn't even know how hard I try to lose weight to only stay the same weight. I sat in the truck and bawled my eyes out. Hard core just horrible. 

My kids asked me what was wrong and I told them the hot was making me sad because I didn't want my kids to know someone called me a mean name. 

I hope something changed soon because at this rate gonna get more and more depressed at this weight and the inability to make it leave my body. 

And it's gonna kill me slowly.

2-13-15

I just found out that my mom... back up.

I just found out that the man who molested me from ages 6-16 is in prison for 25yrs. In Ohio. Soon to be in the same prison that my biological father (clicking the links below will show you what a grade a citizen he isn't...) is in right now. 

This man (stepfather, not bio dad) is in prison for 25 years for child molestation.

my little brother filed a case against him, just like I did 13+years ago..

but this time, my mom didn't try talking anyone out of it. didn't stand up for him...

13 years ago when I was trying to put him away, my mom covered for him, lied for him, abandoned me in NC with a cousin I had just met HOURS ago, and left to life with the bastard for 5 more years before leaving him. and she didn't leave him, she told my dad he was a bad guy and my dad threatened to kill him, so stepfather left.

13yrs ago, when I needed my mommy, when I needed anyone, when I lost a great friend and more to a fucking drunk asshole in Toledo because he was coming to get me... My mother, chose him..

But when it comes down to my little brothers saying the same things I said, saying how he did things to them... She stands up for them, and acts as a witness on the agreement that she can't be charged for aiding and abedding..

I wasn't good enough to save..

but they were.

and she even lied for them...

the dates in the paper say from April 26, 1989 (she didn't gt together with him until like 1992-93ish)

my little brother was BORN on Apr 26, 1989

Click here for how I found out about it all...

I burst into tears last night. Bryan heard me and came up to me nearly in tears... he thought he did something wrong

He was charged. That's a good thing. It should make me feel at least a little better right??

It doesn't... it doesn't hurt less though

the fact that my mom.... my own mother, didn't care enough about me to do it for me, but ben and kenny matter enough

I've tried talking to her like my therapist says in the past, but it gets mo nowhere...

She's told people that she thinks I was just having flashbacks from the first guy that did it to me..

the one she is currently friends with on Facebook

Philip Meek

When i asked her how she could be friends with him, her response was "You can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with."

I was like O_o really???

two weeks (approximately) after my 16th birthday... back up.... December 10, 2001, I told David what was going on with my step dad, he called the cops, I ended up being put in custody of my mos friend by police until they could investigate. Nobody believed me. the cops sent me back home a couple weeks later or something, right after my bday. Dec 20. RIGHT after Christmas, we came home from dinner at a restaurant to see a notice on the front door. It was from CPS, saying they were there and would be back, there was a court order to remove custody and me from my mother's care.

She freaked.
Drove me to NC, introduced me to my cousin I'd never met, and told me I'd be living there... taking me away from my brothers and sister. No explanation, no nothing. Backdated POA papers to be a couple days before the CPS people came by, and left me with complete strangers. I came to love them, don't get me wrong.. Patty, Kristine, and Stacie were helpful in ways they'll never understand...

but it doesn't change the fact that she chose him over me.. multiple times.

when we had to go to court, my mom stuck up for him.

got everything dismissed telling them that I wasn't mentally competent to take a lie detector test

this is the same woman who has taken away Dylan(almost 10 now) and Elizabeth(barely 9)

she has Dylan, I worry every day that she will let it happen to him... that he might have it happen to him one day... I would die inside if it did...

Elizabeth lives with her father and brothers... She has a better life with them than I could ever provide her.. I do miss her and Anthony(nearly 7) and Dylan, and Asa(barely 3) so sooo much.

2-12-15

Why wasn't I good enough to save? 

Why didn't you stick up for me when i needed it? 

Why did you let it happen for over a decade without helping me? 

Why couldn't you do that for me? 

Why are they better than me? 

All these questions circle my mind daily... 

I want to hate you. I should hate you. 

But instead... I miss you. 

I miss talking to you. 

I wonder if I'd be different, had you been there for me when I needed it. The way I needed you. 

Would I be better? Would I be worse? 

Would the nightmares still come? 

Would I still be...me? 

Do you think it made me stronger when you didn't help me? 

Do you think it helped me grow? 

Did you know I still remember every detail? Every smell, every touch, every demand he made of me? 

Did you know that I was scared while it was happening? 

What about my sister? Did he do that to her? Did he hurt her like he hurt me? 

Did she tell you like I told you? 

Did you ignore her cries for help? 

Why did you choose him over me? Why would you abandon me when I needed you most? 

 And the memories never faded..... Not even after decades passed.. It's still right up front. It still haunts me. But you won't ever care about me like I needed you to. I'm faulty. Broken. And for whatever reason... You weren't there when I needed you the most. 

9-27-14

Well, today was productive. I managed to get all of Micah's room cleaned, his toys organized and completely revamp his room night before last. Last night I got the girls room cleaned up finally.... and removed all the trash and toys and clothes from their room. During the day Sheryl and I went through the girls toys and threw away all the trashed broken or useless ones. Then I managed to wash 14 loads of laundry to get the girls entire wardrobe clean. I'm working through the blankets and sheets now.

I cut tonight.. for the first time in months, I cut myself. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to stop myself so bad. Bill told me he plans to marry this woman and last night told me he had a one night stand with some random chick he met at a store. I am so disapointed in him. I can't believe he has done this. That he is going to marry this woman e has never met and has only known for a couple weeks... all because he wants to be married. He told me he doesn't love her and yet is going to marry her... this made me over the edge sad... upset... hurt... and so many other things all at once.
What happened to the man I looked up to for 8 years? What happened to the man that swore he'd never marry someone he didn't love. Held marriage high and with great honor...? I missed him.... but this isn't the real him. It's a fake shell of someone I used to know. and I don't like it.

I had plans with Sheryl today to try and cuddle and have some us time... but that didn't happen. She never moved from the computer. :( I just want affection. I miss the feeling that I'm needed, loved, and desired. I don't feel pretty... I don't even feel.... attractive in the least.

Nobody ever touches me anymore without me hinting at it. Nobody wants me.
I can't wait for my next counselor appointment. I'm..... I'm just going to hope she has some good ideas on how to deal with this all. Because I'm lost and can't think of what to do and I feel like that little girl in a room that nobody will come into because nobody wants to play with me.

I miss feeling like I'm wanted. I don't feel like Sheryl wants me... not like I used to feel it. She used to hug or kiss me randomly, she stopped...
she used to try hard to get me to lay next to her... she stopped...
I hate sleeping on the couch, I truly do.

I slept in the bed with Bryan last night... it was nice, but, he still has some learning to do.. I'm so frustrated by all of this... I'm horny all the time and can't fix it because nothing helps... I have vibrators and they don't help, I have tried... they only work for a few minutes and then I'm right back up there again.... If I had sex as much as I've been wanting to lately then everyone in this house would think I'm a whore. I think about it constantly. I mean... all the time.... I can't think of anything else most of the time, because I can't get past the horny. I'm so nervous about this procedure ... this vaginal mesh bladder sling thing that the dr wants me to get... I... I'm scared... He said we need to schedule it next week... He was adamant about it too.... I tried getting him to schedule it for the week after next, but he really wants to do it next week... I'm so worried something will happen that I'm just freaking out...

My panic attacks are getting worse each day. I had 4 today alone. I can't handle this much more.
I've applied at a few places to work, but can't find another job. My phone got turned off, so I need a new one and can't afford it... My bills are piling up around me and I have no money to pay them. Something has got to give here because I can't deal with this much longer.... I need to feel like my hopes and dreams and needs matter too... really soon.... because I can't just ignore my needs forever... it'll break me, and I'll end up dying inside... and Eryn needs me.

I think I am going to go take a bath for a while... maybe my vibrator will help me tonight for more than just to postpone it for five minutes...

5-3-12

Hey... So I'm torn now...

Rob and I have decided.... well, mostly Rob....
that we are going to take things slow. I'm going to get a place just for me and Eryn and let the chips fall where they may... See and visit the kids and get to know them better and see where things go... Problem is....

I let someone in.... past my wall... Problem is... he'll be leaving soon.. He's got a whole life out in Indiana. and I'm not going to try to force anyone to stay in my life and Eryn's life that doesn't want to be here. I'll just hurt... like always... it's whatever... I'll live..

I'm going to try and sleep.... night :) 

Love, 
Always, 

Birdie Lou'

3-17-12

Anthony is 4 today... I wonder if he knows his ABCs yet. I wonder so much and so so many things... Does he have a favorite color? 
What's his favorite food?
Does he have my blue eyes or Robert's brown eyes?
How Big is he?
How big are his hands compared to mine?
What's his favorite cartoon?
Does he even watch cartoons?
Does he know how to ride a bike?
Would he know my voice?
Do he and Elizabeth fight?
How tall is he?
What color is his hair?

I hope his birthday is amazing. 

I love you Anthony... Mommy loves you... I'm so sorry I failed.. 

Love,
Always,
Birdie Lou'