5-27-2020

je déteste tout en ce moment. je ne vaux rien. désespéré. personne n'en a jamais rien à foutre. je ne peux même pas parler à personne car il sera utilisé contre moi plus tard. alors oui ... je déteste tout. mon mari veut juste que je cuisine, nettoie et fasse l'amour. c'est tout. je ne veux pas faire l'amour parce que je ne me sens pas sexy. je ne me sens pas attirant. je me sens comme rien. je veux juste déjà mourir putain! j'ai pensé à le quitter et on m'a dit que je devais travailler. mais comment suis-je censé travailler sur des choses si l'autre partie ne joue pas correctement? je veux juste quelqu'un qui va m'aimer. veux que je sois moi. comprendre que mon état mental ne peut pas être aidé. c'est pourquoi je ne peux pas le quitter. personne d'autre ne traitera avec moi. personne d'autre ne sera jamais disposé à s'occuper de mes démons. pas par choix. Im trop fou pour personne. même ce seul gars sur qui je regardais. je suis presque sûr de l'avoir effrayé. n'a pas d'importance de toute façon. je n'ai pas le courage de partir de toute façon. je vais juste rester ici et être misérable. c'est n'importe quoi. je ne pourrais pas arracher Eryn de lui si j'essayais. elle serait dévastée.

7-1-19

Shower, then bedtime for me. I'm kinda done trying today. I was good for like a minute... but then everything exploded. I get left out of everything. I'm told I'm important but when it comes down to it, I'm not even close. You go and do everything huge and fun with everyone else and never think to invite me. You invite my kid sometimes, but not both of them, and you make me feel like you don't love one as much as the other. Not even as much as you love the other kids that also aren't..... nevermind... I might not be able to go to things, but I would feel so much more... cared about, or thought about if I got an invite. You don't even call or ask if I can or want to go. You're always going everywhere with your real siblings, but I'm an afterthought. You go to fun places and post pics "having fun with my family" and I get it, they're your family too... but I never even get invited. It hurts me more than I'd like to admit. Even if I had to decline, I'd know that you thought about me and wanted me around if you invited me. "Hey we're going to do this thing on this day, wanna come?"


I invite you to things, but you decline and all I get is tossed aside while you go all over and do fun things with everyone else. I even offered to pay the entire way and you still don't want to do things with me. 😞


I've tried getting the guts to tell you this many times, but everytime I do, I chicken out because I'm afraid of your reaction. I'm afraid you'll tell me I'm right and then I won't even have you.


I have no real family I guess.

• My mom is ....my mom, and she's tossed me aside more than once, so I don't have a mom.
• My dad... is no dad... I don't want to be associated with him in any way. I wasn't important enough to him as a child, and as an adult, he let me down in more way than one... so... no, I don't have one of those.
• My middle, younger brother wrote me off a couple years before he committed suicide, and I never got the chance to tell him I still love and care about him no matter what he thinks of me, and that's going to eat away at me forever.
• My oldest younger sister came out to me as trans MTF and when I told her I accepted and supported her 100%, she stopped talking to me and to this day, I have no idea why... but I still love her.
• My youngest little sister that I wanted so badly and prayed for and love with everything I have in me, probably doesn't even know I exist because my mom refuses to let me talk to any of them.
• My youngest little brother.. knows I exist, but never talks to me and I don't know why. I haven't seen either of the last two in...almost a decade...
• My one older brother is gay and idk why, but one day he just stopped talking to me. No warning, no nothing... I message him from time to time checking in and telling him I care about him, but never get a response.
• My other older brother hated me (or so I thought) until recently when I got to go to his wedding, which was the first time I'd ever spent more than 30 mins with him....ever.. but I still don't know where we stand there.
• and then there's you... You're successful, don't depend on anyone, have custody of all your kids, they both have the same dad, they're doing so many great things to make you proud every day, you get to go to amusement parks all the time, and trips out of state, and go do so much with them and you never have to worry about if you do this, will you have money for rent, or insurance, or anything. I see pics you post on fb all the time when you go on driving vacations... different states, attractions... you invite everyone else.. but I get overlooked and forgotten about. You bring everyone else... think about everyone else... but never me.

My feelings don't matter though, so I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not like you're ever going to read it. Because I won't tell you where it is. I'm to scared that me telling you this will push you away like my thoughts and feelings push away everyone else I care about.

8-10-17

J'abandonne.

Je suis si malade et fatigué de chaque petite chose qui pourrait aller mal, aller mal. Je ne peux même pas commencer à expliquer mon dernier mois, mais il est sur le point de réduire énormément les choses 48 heures si je ne trouve pas une issue. Je ne sais pas quoi faire. Personne n'est jamais là pour moi quand j'ai besoin d'aide, mais je suis toujours là pour tout le monde. Je ne peux pas dire trop de gens ce qui se passe ou les gens que je ne veux pas dans mon entreprise le saurons. Aussi, si je ne le dis pas à quelqu'un, je vais exploser! Je ne peux rien faire. Je ne peux pas être le mauvais. Je ne peux pas être le seul à faire des progrès. Je ne peux pas tenir les autres. Je suis une erreur.

Essayez une chose: impasse.

Essayez la deuxième chose: plus grande impasse.

Passez près de deux mille dollars pour une chasse au trésor qui n'a pas de trésor pour moi parce que je ne peux pas être qualifié.

Trouvez quelqu'un qui PEUT aider, mais alors ils ne peuvent aider que si je les trouve un moyen d'aider, alors je cherche des moyens, et je trouve même des impasses mroe.

Vous dites que vous voulez aider, ou que vous essayez, mais tout ce que je vois, c'est les jeux vidéo, la lecture et le fait de dire combien vous ne pouvez pas faire parce que vous avez "essayé".

2-13-15

I just found out that my mom... back up.

I just found out that the man who molested me from ages 6-16 is in prison for 25yrs. In Ohio. Soon to be in the same prison that my biological father (clicking the links below will show you what a grade a citizen he isn't...) is in right now. 

This man (stepfather, not bio dad) is in prison for 25 years for child molestation.

my little brother filed a case against him, just like I did 13+years ago..

but this time, my mom didn't try talking anyone out of it. didn't stand up for him...

13 years ago when I was trying to put him away, my mom covered for him, lied for him, abandoned me in NC with a cousin I had just met HOURS ago, and left to life with the bastard for 5 more years before leaving him. and she didn't leave him, she told my dad he was a bad guy and my dad threatened to kill him, so stepfather left.

13yrs ago, when I needed my mommy, when I needed anyone, when I lost a great friend and more to a fucking drunk asshole in Toledo because he was coming to get me... My mother, chose him..

But when it comes down to my little brothers saying the same things I said, saying how he did things to them... She stands up for them, and acts as a witness on the agreement that she can't be charged for aiding and abedding..

I wasn't good enough to save..

but they were.

and she even lied for them...

the dates in the paper say from April 26, 1989 (she didn't gt together with him until like 1992-93ish)

my little brother was BORN on Apr 26, 1989

Click here for how I found out about it all...

I burst into tears last night. Bryan heard me and came up to me nearly in tears... he thought he did something wrong

He was charged. That's a good thing. It should make me feel at least a little better right??

It doesn't... it doesn't hurt less though

the fact that my mom.... my own mother, didn't care enough about me to do it for me, but ben and kenny matter enough

I've tried talking to her like my therapist says in the past, but it gets mo nowhere...

She's told people that she thinks I was just having flashbacks from the first guy that did it to me..

the one she is currently friends with on Facebook

Philip Meek

When i asked her how she could be friends with him, her response was "You can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with."

I was like O_o really???

two weeks (approximately) after my 16th birthday... back up.... December 10, 2001, I told David what was going on with my step dad, he called the cops, I ended up being put in custody of my mos friend by police until they could investigate. Nobody believed me. the cops sent me back home a couple weeks later or something, right after my bday. Dec 20. RIGHT after Christmas, we came home from dinner at a restaurant to see a notice on the front door. It was from CPS, saying they were there and would be back, there was a court order to remove custody and me from my mother's care.

She freaked.
Drove me to NC, introduced me to my cousin I'd never met, and told me I'd be living there... taking me away from my brothers and sister. No explanation, no nothing. Backdated POA papers to be a couple days before the CPS people came by, and left me with complete strangers. I came to love them, don't get me wrong.. Patty, Kristine, and Stacie were helpful in ways they'll never understand...

but it doesn't change the fact that she chose him over me.. multiple times.

when we had to go to court, my mom stuck up for him.

got everything dismissed telling them that I wasn't mentally competent to take a lie detector test

this is the same woman who has taken away Dylan(almost 10 now) and Elizabeth(barely 9)

she has Dylan, I worry every day that she will let it happen to him... that he might have it happen to him one day... I would die inside if it did...

Elizabeth lives with her father and brothers... She has a better life with them than I could ever provide her.. I do miss her and Anthony(nearly 7) and Dylan, and Asa(barely 3) so sooo much.

2-12-15_2

I need sleep. He needs sleep. But if he's hurting so bad he can't sleep, I feel bad if I do sleep. Plus, the nightmares are back... So sleep isn't really my friend right now. 

2-1-15

Dreams? Paranoia? Nerves?

That is what I'm trying to figure out. I'm a very paranoid person and I'm always scared something bad is going to happen but lately I've been having some weird dreams... Like this one last night.. 

I had gotten paid on the first of the month, like always, and I sent Bryan to the store for medicine or something... OH, and gas in the truck... and when he returned home, he had books.. upon books upon books.. Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Master Guides, Novels, Game Cheats, and more! He had spent well over $100 on books that we really couldn't afford because of bills, gas, the wedding, the people we owe,.. So I got upset and told him that he shouldn't have bought the books and he responds that it's ok because he put $10 in the gas tank, and looked at me, he was completely serious. I became INSTANTLY livid... I started yelling at him and telling him that we can't afford this, and that ten dollars isn't enough gas to get us through an entire week until he gets paid and if this is how he's going to spend our family's money that he was going to be SOL, because I just couldn't do it. I told him I was finished(meaning with the conversation) and got up to go to the kitchen and he stood up, grabbed me, pulled me in really close and started crying. (now this is a big deal, because it takes a lot to make this man cry.) He started asking me not to leave, that he didn't want to upset me and that he didn't want me to leave him. He didn't want me to be "done" and he was sorry and that he'd return the books and he was so sorry. All of a sudden, I felt horrible, like a slave driver. I didn't want him to comply and submit, I just wanted him to understand that we couldn't afford to spend money on these things right now. I looked into his eyes and he looked so vacant, broken. Like I had taken all the joy from him. I reached forward to touch his face and I woke up. 

I'm so at a loss of words for how this dream/nightmare made me feel... I'm hoping its nerves and paranoia. But I can't stop running through the what ifs... 

10-16-14

Night before last SHE threatened to throw ryn through a window. And I flipped! I told her if she does I'll kill her.    And then the fight started. Telling me all I do all day is sleep this past week. 

Well of course!! I had surgery a week ago! I'm in pain! I'm tired from my meds.. This all started because Ryn glared at her. SHE told Ryn to clean her room, ryn glared at her, she threatened to throw her through a window!! I told my counselor. And she says she fears for the safety of teetah after we leave. And since SHE already has an open cps case, my counselor is going to file a report. SHE went to jail a few weeks back. For slapping the fuck out of her mom. Her mother that has stage 3 lung cancer btw. SHE went to court and lied her ass off and says that she only smacked her once and that she's not a violent person and blah blah and got off with $300 fines and 2yr probation. Hubs and I found a place that's $110 cheaper a month for rent. Bigger place. Same bed and bathrooms. 3bd 2ba duplex. $750/mo. Landlord said he will take 1/2 off the first month rent if we have the entire sec dep and we can move in nov 1st.  As long as the applications go through okay. We put in the apps Wednesday at 3am. Lol He is filing for bubba cause that's his son. But teetah isn't his... So we are going to see if CPS will place her with us at least until her grandfather is made aware of the situation and we are pretty sure he will take her.  If he doesn't, we plan to file for Taea through cps and see if we can get her. But SHE has gone bat shit crazy and the fact that she sits on the computer from sun up till she passes out... Bothers me. We don't plan on telling SHE until the lease is signed at the new place.  That way when SHE flips... We can run. I've been having nightmares about telling her. Things like... We went and told her that we were leaving and she threw a book at hubs and started beating the shit out of me. 

The kids will already be safe at hub's moms house before we tell her. 

I'm just tired of abusive relationships. My counselor said she thinks I'm doing the right thing and that hubs seems to be a much better fit for me. Since we are on the same level maturity and responsibility levels. 

9-27-14

Well, today was productive. I managed to get all of Micah's room cleaned, his toys organized and completely revamp his room night before last. Last night I got the girls room cleaned up finally.... and removed all the trash and toys and clothes from their room. During the day Sheryl and I went through the girls toys and threw away all the trashed broken or useless ones. Then I managed to wash 14 loads of laundry to get the girls entire wardrobe clean. I'm working through the blankets and sheets now.

I cut tonight.. for the first time in months, I cut myself. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to stop myself so bad. Bill told me he plans to marry this woman and last night told me he had a one night stand with some random chick he met at a store. I am so disapointed in him. I can't believe he has done this. That he is going to marry this woman e has never met and has only known for a couple weeks... all because he wants to be married. He told me he doesn't love her and yet is going to marry her... this made me over the edge sad... upset... hurt... and so many other things all at once.
What happened to the man I looked up to for 8 years? What happened to the man that swore he'd never marry someone he didn't love. Held marriage high and with great honor...? I missed him.... but this isn't the real him. It's a fake shell of someone I used to know. and I don't like it.

I had plans with Sheryl today to try and cuddle and have some us time... but that didn't happen. She never moved from the computer. :( I just want affection. I miss the feeling that I'm needed, loved, and desired. I don't feel pretty... I don't even feel.... attractive in the least.

Nobody ever touches me anymore without me hinting at it. Nobody wants me.
I can't wait for my next counselor appointment. I'm..... I'm just going to hope she has some good ideas on how to deal with this all. Because I'm lost and can't think of what to do and I feel like that little girl in a room that nobody will come into because nobody wants to play with me.

I miss feeling like I'm wanted. I don't feel like Sheryl wants me... not like I used to feel it. She used to hug or kiss me randomly, she stopped...
she used to try hard to get me to lay next to her... she stopped...
I hate sleeping on the couch, I truly do.

I slept in the bed with Bryan last night... it was nice, but, he still has some learning to do.. I'm so frustrated by all of this... I'm horny all the time and can't fix it because nothing helps... I have vibrators and they don't help, I have tried... they only work for a few minutes and then I'm right back up there again.... If I had sex as much as I've been wanting to lately then everyone in this house would think I'm a whore. I think about it constantly. I mean... all the time.... I can't think of anything else most of the time, because I can't get past the horny. I'm so nervous about this procedure ... this vaginal mesh bladder sling thing that the dr wants me to get... I... I'm scared... He said we need to schedule it next week... He was adamant about it too.... I tried getting him to schedule it for the week after next, but he really wants to do it next week... I'm so worried something will happen that I'm just freaking out...

My panic attacks are getting worse each day. I had 4 today alone. I can't handle this much more.
I've applied at a few places to work, but can't find another job. My phone got turned off, so I need a new one and can't afford it... My bills are piling up around me and I have no money to pay them. Something has got to give here because I can't deal with this much longer.... I need to feel like my hopes and dreams and needs matter too... really soon.... because I can't just ignore my needs forever... it'll break me, and I'll end up dying inside... and Eryn needs me.

I think I am going to go take a bath for a while... maybe my vibrator will help me tonight for more than just to postpone it for five minutes...

9-23-14

Well, today was a lot better than the last few weeks... yesterday she got out of jail and RAN to me to hug and kiss me and I ... I just felt so loved! :) I think that if I can find a way to get her to talk to me more often that we might be able to just work through this all!

She has a procedure tomorrow so I was going to not even bother about her sleeping on the couch, just let her have the bed since she has the thing tomorrow for the essure thing, but she decided to sleep on the couch and let me sleep in the bed... we are going to watch a few episodes of Shameless and then head to bed... good night :)


Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

So her court was supposed to start at 10, but it's already noon, the court house is closing for lunch and she hasn't been seen yet. Nobody has... I don't know what's going on but I don't like it. Bryan and I are going to go home, nap, eat, and then going to go back at 1:30... hopefully they're closer to having arraignments by then,....

Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

Well, Sheryl has court today... Just got Taea up for school... Sheryl's mom said she'd watch Eryn and Micah... so Bryan and I are going to go to the court house and see which room she's in and then her arraignment is at 10. I'm so hoping that this goes well... I'm so scared for her. I hope she's holding up alright. I miss her so much.


Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-20-14

Oh my god!
Sheryl was arrested! She and her mother were screaming and fighting and then all of a sudden BAM! She started hitting her and then the cops were called and Sheryl was taken to jail! The cops talked to me and I told them what happened... After she was done talking to them, they told us that she was going to be arrested, I ran outside and gave her a hug and a kiss and stalled as long as I could. I had called Bryan and gotten him home in time to say goodbye. The cops told us that she won't be able to see a judge until Monday!! :(

I'm so scared, what's gonna happen!> Her mom called Taea ugly and was putting her down and this all started because I told her mom that she needed to start pulling some weight around here. Her chores are kitchen, bedroom, and the rule is no smoking in the kids rooms... :( She... It was horrible! Bryan and I are going to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese for dinner tonight... something to get them out of the house, Bryan away from Sheryl's mom, and a place where I can clear my head and think..

I have to make sure I stay calm, because Bryan looks like he's gonna lose it. :(

I have to stay calm.... I can do this... Fixing to leave soon... ttyl

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

5-12-12

Dylan is going to be 7 tomorrow... 

It's also Mother's Day.... but my mom won't let me see him :( 

It's just not fair....

But I do have good news....

 I have a job!!! 

I start Monday (day after tomorrow)

I have no way TO... or FROM work... and I also need to move Eryn into a different Daycare... 

I have 36 hours approximately, to get all this figured out.

Wish me luck. I'm in this alone... or at least it feels like I am... But I'm hoping that something works out.. soon. 

I need a break. 

Love
Always

Birdie Lou'

5-3-12

Hey... So I'm torn now...

Rob and I have decided.... well, mostly Rob....
that we are going to take things slow. I'm going to get a place just for me and Eryn and let the chips fall where they may... See and visit the kids and get to know them better and see where things go... Problem is....

I let someone in.... past my wall... Problem is... he'll be leaving soon.. He's got a whole life out in Indiana. and I'm not going to try to force anyone to stay in my life and Eryn's life that doesn't want to be here. I'll just hurt... like always... it's whatever... I'll live..

I'm going to try and sleep.... night :) 

Love, 
Always, 

Birdie Lou'

4-21-12

Okay... 

My heart is officially racing!

I just got a text from Rob... 

Tracy is looking for me... He is hiding me well. But if she comes here I'll call the cops. Nothing will stop me from succeeding. Nobody can stop my love for my family. Dylan, Elizabeth, Anthony, Eryn and Asa... mommy loves you all. She won't ever stop. I will prove it to you one day., I'll never give up.

Love,
ALways, Birdie Lou'

4-21-12

Alrighty,

Well... I went to Family Promise today. Moving in Monday. After that I'm going to do everything I can to get childcare and then a job. after that, save up for a 3bdrm apt and then taking the biggest leap of faith ever.. I am going to ask Robert to move in with me.,
He and the kids... I will stop at nothing to show my family my love for them. Everything in me is scared to death. But I am going to open my eyes, give my heart to my children, and pray that Robert climbs my walls to show love to my heart. 


Love, 
Always, 
Birdie Lou'

4-21-12

HE SAID HE LOVES ME! 

I might not have lost my family after all! 

I was talking to Candi and I realized Rob was crying... 

I hung up on my sister and rushed over to him.. 

He told me the truth, that he doesn't really love Tracy, and that he still loves me.  I let him know that I want HIM to be happy. I made him give me his word that whichever path he chooses, that it'll be for HIM not me... not the kids... not Tracy... HIM ... his happiness alone.... He says that he wants me back... I am excited , nervous, scared.... I really miss him... and I don't want to mess up my being able to see my kids.. I really miss my kids. I don't want to ruin the chance to be in their lives. But also... I want my family that we... Rob and I planned.... I guess only time will tell. 

I am still planning on going to Family Promise (shelter)... getting a job... and a place to live.
But I will not give up on my family. My entire existence now is based on me following this plan... 

1. my kids
2. my love(Robert)
3. myself

I will do everything I can to make them happy and proud of me. Time for bed.. 

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

P.S. I'm thinking about going back to church! 

4-20-12

OMG... omg omg omg....

He's on his way over here... I am so nervous... is this normal? Is seeing him going to hurt? Will the pain be unbearable? 

I wish this was easier... 

I am glad he's willing to still be friends. 

Tracy had better realize what he's worth. She needs to start being grateful that he's with her. She must be really special inside and out to get an amazing guy like Robert to love her so much. 

**Wishes them happiness**

Well... He'll be here soon... I hope that I don't do something to upset him.

Wish me luck...


Love, 
Always,

Birdie Lou'

3-20-12

I have to stop writing for a while. Ace has started snooping and I don't want him to find this... I will come back again when it is safe... 


Birdie Lou'