8-10-17

J'abandonne.

Je suis si malade et fatigué de chaque petite chose qui pourrait aller mal, aller mal. Je ne peux même pas commencer à expliquer mon dernier mois, mais il est sur le point de réduire énormément les choses 48 heures si je ne trouve pas une issue. Je ne sais pas quoi faire. Personne n'est jamais là pour moi quand j'ai besoin d'aide, mais je suis toujours là pour tout le monde. Je ne peux pas dire trop de gens ce qui se passe ou les gens que je ne veux pas dans mon entreprise le saurons. Aussi, si je ne le dis pas à quelqu'un, je vais exploser! Je ne peux rien faire. Je ne peux pas être le mauvais. Je ne peux pas être le seul à faire des progrès. Je ne peux pas tenir les autres. Je suis une erreur.

Essayez une chose: impasse.

Essayez la deuxième chose: plus grande impasse.

Passez près de deux mille dollars pour une chasse au trésor qui n'a pas de trésor pour moi parce que je ne peux pas être qualifié.

Trouvez quelqu'un qui PEUT aider, mais alors ils ne peuvent aider que si je les trouve un moyen d'aider, alors je cherche des moyens, et je trouve même des impasses mroe.

Vous dites que vous voulez aider, ou que vous essayez, mais tout ce que je vois, c'est les jeux vidéo, la lecture et le fait de dire combien vous ne pouvez pas faire parce que vous avez "essayé".

3-24-16

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I am so lost and can't find my way and nothing works and everything I try fails and the people I care about think I don't care because I'm always fucking busy and I drive 60 miles a day and never sleep more than an hour at a time and I'm always driving one place or another and I can't save money because I'm spending all the money we have on gas so I can't find a place to go because I have no money but I need money to move and husband needs the job to make money and we need money for gas and I can't handle this shit anymore! I want to scream, but who cares right? I want to cry every minute of every day but I can't because I have to adult. I want to read and color and do nothing for a week, but I can't because I'm the adult, I'm the grownup, I'm the mom. I want to eat but can't afford food while I'm going through this. I try to keep in touch and fail and now my friends are all pissed off because I haven't kept good contact when they needed me. Well, I needed someone too. Still do. But you're dealing with as much shit as me so I just kept mine to myself and tried listening to you and helping you. But the more I tried, the more I failed.

I wake up every morning between 6 and 7am(depending on if I hear the clock or force myself back to sleep for a tiny bit before getting up). I'm dressed, kids(2) dressed, husband dressed, breakfast prepped and packed, backpacks, keys, lunch stuff packed, out the door by 7:45am. Take daughter to school, go to library and wait for them to open at 9:30am. Sit in parking lot in truck and eat breakfast with son and husband. Library opens, go inside. Get on computer and look for houses and put in job applications (usually 2). 11:15am alarm goes off on phone... time to check mail and take husband to work. Drive husband to work, come back to library and put in another job application or two while I wait for 3pm so I can leave to get daughter from school. Grab her and go BACK to the library so that we can read and do homework and she can study and not be stuck in the truck. Between 5 and 7, leave library. Go to McDonald's across from hubby's work so I can have WiFi and kids can play and run around and get out energy while we wait for husband to get off work between 8:30-9:15pm. Husband gets off work and walks over to us at McDonald's. Get kids packed into truck and drive home. Arrive home around 9:30-45pm. Figure out what to feed kids, cook it, feed kids. By this point it's nearly 11pm and the kids and I and husband are exhausted. Shuffle kids to bed begrudgingly and wait for them to be asleep before we go to bed ourselves. I'm in bed around 2am every night finally and then I have to wind my brain down. Because even though I'm exhausted, I'm not mentally able to fall asleep... SUUUUUUU..... I lie in bed and think, and breathe, and lie there..... until I finally fall asleep around 3am-ish. I will then continue to wake up every 45mins to hour until either my alarm goes off or I see daylight and can't talk my body into falling asleep due to night terrors, nightmares, flashbacks, whatever you wanna call em.. they suck and they feel real when I'm dreaming.. mmkay pumpkin??. I do this Tuesday through Friday. Every week. On Saturdays, I sometimes stay at the house, but then I accomplish NOTHING... so I mostly go to the library when I can, and I chase kids around and try to accomplish things while I'm chasing daughter and son around trying to make behaving happen... (doesn't happen btw). Sundays we may go to church, we may not... but even those days I'm unproductive because I can't access internet to accomplish anything really....  Mondays, I start my day just like Tuesday through Friday, but instead of taking husband to work, we stay at the library, get daughter when its time, and then check mail and go home and then I'm still depressed and anxious and shit! 

2-13-15

I just found out that my mom... back up.

I just found out that the man who molested me from ages 6-16 is in prison for 25yrs. In Ohio. Soon to be in the same prison that my biological father (clicking the links below will show you what a grade a citizen he isn't...) is in right now. 

This man (stepfather, not bio dad) is in prison for 25 years for child molestation.

my little brother filed a case against him, just like I did 13+years ago..

but this time, my mom didn't try talking anyone out of it. didn't stand up for him...

13 years ago when I was trying to put him away, my mom covered for him, lied for him, abandoned me in NC with a cousin I had just met HOURS ago, and left to life with the bastard for 5 more years before leaving him. and she didn't leave him, she told my dad he was a bad guy and my dad threatened to kill him, so stepfather left.

13yrs ago, when I needed my mommy, when I needed anyone, when I lost a great friend and more to a fucking drunk asshole in Toledo because he was coming to get me... My mother, chose him..

But when it comes down to my little brothers saying the same things I said, saying how he did things to them... She stands up for them, and acts as a witness on the agreement that she can't be charged for aiding and abedding..

I wasn't good enough to save..

but they were.

and she even lied for them...

the dates in the paper say from April 26, 1989 (she didn't gt together with him until like 1992-93ish)

my little brother was BORN on Apr 26, 1989

Click here for how I found out about it all...

I burst into tears last night. Bryan heard me and came up to me nearly in tears... he thought he did something wrong

He was charged. That's a good thing. It should make me feel at least a little better right??

It doesn't... it doesn't hurt less though

the fact that my mom.... my own mother, didn't care enough about me to do it for me, but ben and kenny matter enough

I've tried talking to her like my therapist says in the past, but it gets mo nowhere...

She's told people that she thinks I was just having flashbacks from the first guy that did it to me..

the one she is currently friends with on Facebook

Philip Meek

When i asked her how she could be friends with him, her response was "You can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with."

I was like O_o really???

two weeks (approximately) after my 16th birthday... back up.... December 10, 2001, I told David what was going on with my step dad, he called the cops, I ended up being put in custody of my mos friend by police until they could investigate. Nobody believed me. the cops sent me back home a couple weeks later or something, right after my bday. Dec 20. RIGHT after Christmas, we came home from dinner at a restaurant to see a notice on the front door. It was from CPS, saying they were there and would be back, there was a court order to remove custody and me from my mother's care.

She freaked.
Drove me to NC, introduced me to my cousin I'd never met, and told me I'd be living there... taking me away from my brothers and sister. No explanation, no nothing. Backdated POA papers to be a couple days before the CPS people came by, and left me with complete strangers. I came to love them, don't get me wrong.. Patty, Kristine, and Stacie were helpful in ways they'll never understand...

but it doesn't change the fact that she chose him over me.. multiple times.

when we had to go to court, my mom stuck up for him.

got everything dismissed telling them that I wasn't mentally competent to take a lie detector test

this is the same woman who has taken away Dylan(almost 10 now) and Elizabeth(barely 9)

she has Dylan, I worry every day that she will let it happen to him... that he might have it happen to him one day... I would die inside if it did...

Elizabeth lives with her father and brothers... She has a better life with them than I could ever provide her.. I do miss her and Anthony(nearly 7) and Dylan, and Asa(barely 3) so sooo much.

9-27-14

Well, today was productive. I managed to get all of Micah's room cleaned, his toys organized and completely revamp his room night before last. Last night I got the girls room cleaned up finally.... and removed all the trash and toys and clothes from their room. During the day Sheryl and I went through the girls toys and threw away all the trashed broken or useless ones. Then I managed to wash 14 loads of laundry to get the girls entire wardrobe clean. I'm working through the blankets and sheets now.

I cut tonight.. for the first time in months, I cut myself. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to stop myself so bad. Bill told me he plans to marry this woman and last night told me he had a one night stand with some random chick he met at a store. I am so disapointed in him. I can't believe he has done this. That he is going to marry this woman e has never met and has only known for a couple weeks... all because he wants to be married. He told me he doesn't love her and yet is going to marry her... this made me over the edge sad... upset... hurt... and so many other things all at once.
What happened to the man I looked up to for 8 years? What happened to the man that swore he'd never marry someone he didn't love. Held marriage high and with great honor...? I missed him.... but this isn't the real him. It's a fake shell of someone I used to know. and I don't like it.

I had plans with Sheryl today to try and cuddle and have some us time... but that didn't happen. She never moved from the computer. :( I just want affection. I miss the feeling that I'm needed, loved, and desired. I don't feel pretty... I don't even feel.... attractive in the least.

Nobody ever touches me anymore without me hinting at it. Nobody wants me.
I can't wait for my next counselor appointment. I'm..... I'm just going to hope she has some good ideas on how to deal with this all. Because I'm lost and can't think of what to do and I feel like that little girl in a room that nobody will come into because nobody wants to play with me.

I miss feeling like I'm wanted. I don't feel like Sheryl wants me... not like I used to feel it. She used to hug or kiss me randomly, she stopped...
she used to try hard to get me to lay next to her... she stopped...
I hate sleeping on the couch, I truly do.

I slept in the bed with Bryan last night... it was nice, but, he still has some learning to do.. I'm so frustrated by all of this... I'm horny all the time and can't fix it because nothing helps... I have vibrators and they don't help, I have tried... they only work for a few minutes and then I'm right back up there again.... If I had sex as much as I've been wanting to lately then everyone in this house would think I'm a whore. I think about it constantly. I mean... all the time.... I can't think of anything else most of the time, because I can't get past the horny. I'm so nervous about this procedure ... this vaginal mesh bladder sling thing that the dr wants me to get... I... I'm scared... He said we need to schedule it next week... He was adamant about it too.... I tried getting him to schedule it for the week after next, but he really wants to do it next week... I'm so worried something will happen that I'm just freaking out...

My panic attacks are getting worse each day. I had 4 today alone. I can't handle this much more.
I've applied at a few places to work, but can't find another job. My phone got turned off, so I need a new one and can't afford it... My bills are piling up around me and I have no money to pay them. Something has got to give here because I can't deal with this much longer.... I need to feel like my hopes and dreams and needs matter too... really soon.... because I can't just ignore my needs forever... it'll break me, and I'll end up dying inside... and Eryn needs me.

I think I am going to go take a bath for a while... maybe my vibrator will help me tonight for more than just to postpone it for five minutes...

9-24-14

Well, Sheryl had her procedure today... it wasn't as fast as the doctor told us, but she's okay... She had some pain meds and they made her sleepy, she laid down and slept almost all day... lol

But that's okay, because Eryn and Micah slept almost all day too.. so I was able to get a nap because I haven't been sleeping well lately. I get maybe 2 hours a night if I'm lucky and force myself to sleep.. I'm hoping that something breaks soon because I'm exhausted. I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight again, but only because Bryan has to work tomorrow and Sheryl is already in the bed.

I'm going to be going to DSHS tomorrow to REapply for food stamps. Bryan said he'd walk me through it so I have help.

I have realized a lot lately that I start cerying for no reason if I don't keep my mind occupied and over worked. It's weird, and I'm going to be talking to my counselor about it on Wednesday next week. I don't like it. I mean... it's not normal...

I'm so far behind in school that I'm going to be trying to get my work caught up and soon, so I might not write tomorrow, but I might try anyhow. We shall see...

I'm also going to go to a temp agency to see if I can handle job search. My phone got turned off because I can't pay it due to having no money or income... so I'm hoping that maybe I can do temp work and not have to worry about my panic attacks.

I'm not sure how well it's going to work, but I have to try.

Well, I'm so tired.. I think I might get sleep tonight... I'm going to go lay down and get comfy... nighty night...

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

8-31-14

Hey...

Me again... I know I haven't been writing much, but I've been trying not to be a bitch about everything left and right. I need a job and fast. I can't keep going on like this. The bills here are $240-cable/internet/phone, $150-electric, $870-rent, plus the tobacco and whatnots, and even with Bryan working, and  Sheryl's mom's check, the bills are suffering. Sheryl gets $389/mo in cash assistance, and spends 98% of it on herself. There's so many things I want to say, but I don't because I don't have a right to say anything. I don't contribute outside of food... so I don't want to step on toes. I contributes $200 toward the rent for August and she asked for money to spend on dumb shit instead of letting the extra money in the house be for bills. I want to stand up and say something, but I can't. I had a dream last night that Sheryl told Bryan that he had to choose me or her. So I got up, packed my shit, grabbed Eryn, and left... I love them both to the moon and back, but if things don't change soon, I'm going to break my own heart and go. I can't live off of everyone else and I can't support people that refuse to contribute to the bills without a statement of "You owe me(Insert amount of money) if you spend it on the electric bill."

that's not how its supposed to be. Not how its supposed to work Everyone's supposed to be working together. but NOooooooo.... not in this house... I just don't know anymore.... I'm thinking that I have a lot of reflection to do, and soon... 

Love
Always

Birdie Lou'

5-12-12

Dylan is going to be 7 tomorrow... 

It's also Mother's Day.... but my mom won't let me see him :( 

It's just not fair....

But I do have good news....

 I have a job!!! 

I start Monday (day after tomorrow)

I have no way TO... or FROM work... and I also need to move Eryn into a different Daycare... 

I have 36 hours approximately, to get all this figured out.

Wish me luck. I'm in this alone... or at least it feels like I am... But I'm hoping that something works out.. soon. 

I need a break. 

Love
Always

Birdie Lou'

5-3-12

Hey... So I'm torn now...

Rob and I have decided.... well, mostly Rob....
that we are going to take things slow. I'm going to get a place just for me and Eryn and let the chips fall where they may... See and visit the kids and get to know them better and see where things go... Problem is....

I let someone in.... past my wall... Problem is... he'll be leaving soon.. He's got a whole life out in Indiana. and I'm not going to try to force anyone to stay in my life and Eryn's life that doesn't want to be here. I'll just hurt... like always... it's whatever... I'll live..

I'm going to try and sleep.... night :) 

Love, 
Always, 

Birdie Lou'

3-17-12

Well, 

I have decided that I have had enough. Ace is manipulative and hurts me emotionally. I also miss my other kids. Asa and Eryn are amazing kids and I love every moment with them... But I still miss Elizabeth and Anthony and Dylan. I think I am going to tell Ace that I want to go back to Ohio. I can't live without my children... ALL Of them... 

I'll write more next time...

Love,
Always, 

Birdie Lou'

Soul knows Soul

When I think about first love,

I remember not saying goodbye

We stayed up all night together

24 hours on the phone

We became miles apart;

The closest thing to staying in your arms was hearing your voice as I drifted to sleep.

We were too proud to say it out loud

The truth we both feared.

I said I love you to all my friends,

But it was a coverup

For a different love entirely.

Some truths don’t need to be spoken,

Some beasts are best left unnamed,

But it doesn’t take much to read between the lines

Of our messages when we fantasized

About our lips, bodies, and hands intertwined.

In my dark moments of despair

You could still bring a smile to my face.

I recall, when I told you how much I hated me

You took it upon yourself to write out all the things you loved about me.

I tried to see myself through your adoring eyes

I read your messages countless times.

We burned bright and fast,

And at 18, I could never dream,

Of a world where you weren’t everything to me.

Now, our flame has long been extinguished

The pain of the end continually stabs me

It’s just a strong memory plundering about in my mind.

Your face is just something I see in passing,

But your birthday I still have memorized.

I still think of you when I hear the song that gave you your name,

and I remember what first love was again.

The feeling of never wanting to say goodbye,

But knowing some day you will.

x