11-16-15

I want to scream and I need a trainer.... I break a sweat changing my shirt and I try talking to my counselor who's doing great but wants to focus on one thing at a time and I wanna just pour it all out and I only have an hour and I need more and now I see her every two weeks instead of every week but I don't want every other week. I'm tired of being all alone here and only having Bryan and kids. I don't even have colleagues because I can't get a job and my entire fucking life is going to hell and I'm trying to not tell and scream at everyone all the time and be a bitch but ya know.... I'm tired of everyone telling me to be positive and stop letting it get me down. Maybe I just wanna be held, invited to go out and hang out or go to the movies. I can't. Because I have nobody to watch my kids because I'm all alone aside from Bryan. I want to have friends face to face. I want my mom to be MY MOM not my sisters mom. Is she ashamed of me so bad that she's just going to replace me with her? I love my sister don't get me wrong but really?? She's mine. My mom. And yeah she's annoying and I can't stand most of the things that she's ever done to me but she's still MY MOM! And I can't vent to anyone because every time I try I get "oh I know, let me feed you my problems." I'm not looking for a game of my life's worse than yours. Maybe I just want a fucking ear to talk to. Shoulder to cry on. Maybe I'm sick and tired of being strong. Maybe I want someone to come to me. Make me a priority. Baby me.... I feel like I'm trying to search for something that doesn't exist.


My nightmares are coming back full force and I can't control them no matter how hard I try. I keep having flashbacks about him hitting me, throwing me down and kicking me. holding his hand over my throat until I started seeing stars and kicking and gurgling until the edges of my vision went blurry and darkened into blackness that crept into my point of view feeling like an ocean of hell washing over me.

Him walking in and finding me in bed after killing my daughter or dragging her to the bedroom to have her watch him kill me, or vice versa. 

I don't sleep much anymore...
I just want..... Too much I guess...


Nothing I do is good enough and I'm tired of it. I go to school, can't use the degrees because nobody will hire me freelance and I can't go to a normal office environment. I also refuse to work in a mail room with hopes that one magic day I'll be an artist like the real employees.. -_- not..happening...


And another thing.... If you want me to back out just say so. Being stepped all over my some kid that doesn't know half what I know is pissing me off... Especially when she doesn't discuss anything WITH ME and can't do the tasks she's actually attempting correctly and it looks like shit!