10-12-2021

 You would think that with four able bodied people living here that the house would stay clean and that the bunnies and cat litter would always be clean and not smell or have flies or any of that shit. But it is a disaster. It is bad. 

FYI- this post references two DID systems of you are unfamiliar with these, feel free to reach out and ask or do research on credible collegiate websites. Please do not make assumptions or accusations. Thank you. 

Jaden screwed up an entire day planned for cleaning and getting things accomplished due to her selfishness and was called out by multiple people throughout the day and still refused to dissent. At around four in the evening Jaden approached Rae and let her know that she was going to let Boulder come out but at that point the only time Rae and Boulder would have had to spend together was to cook dinner, feed children and themselves, clean the kitchen before and after dinner, medicate the children, send children to bed, separate the laundry, make the bed, go to sleep. They would have had no real time together to talk or anything. It was not until I came out and lost my temper that she actually had a true emotional reaction and her reaction was not to say anything or to apologize or explain herself. She started to cry and try to gain more attention and make someone feel sorry for her by crying and it did not work on me. She was told to sit down by her husband Fenixx so that she did not fall and hurt her ankle or re-injure the sprained ankle. Every time someone was speaking to her she would be falling asleep. But when they walked away she would pick up a phone and play games or get on social media and THAT kept her awake. So it was not that she couldn’t stay awake. It’s that she did not care to try because she did not want to be having the current conversation. So, Fenixx tells her to sit down thinning she would probably fall asleep and he glances out (we have a strict no phones policy except special reasons such as obedience, posting to D/s on Instagram when people after/before scening, etc.) and he heard  a noise so he looks to see and she’s on the phone on Instagram. After nine pm. Just passing time. Staying awake. No reason to be on the phone really. Disrespecting the rule that was agreed upon by both hosts to make them have unplugged time with each other daily. So they are not lost in technology. And proving to Fenixx that she could stay awake on the phone, but not for him. So he left front and Dakoda asked me to take over. So I did. And I laid into thistle little girl hard. Because her actions hurt four people yesterday. She was selfish and her actions were unwarranted. I explained to her what Rae had planned (little time) and how Rae had it planned and when it was planned. I let her know what she missed out on due to her actions. Her choices. Choice and accountability. It is a big rule here with Rae.

5-27-2020

je déteste tout en ce moment. je ne vaux rien. désespéré. personne n'en a jamais rien à foutre. je ne peux même pas parler à personne car il sera utilisé contre moi plus tard. alors oui ... je déteste tout. mon mari veut juste que je cuisine, nettoie et fasse l'amour. c'est tout. je ne veux pas faire l'amour parce que je ne me sens pas sexy. je ne me sens pas attirant. je me sens comme rien. je veux juste déjà mourir putain! j'ai pensé à le quitter et on m'a dit que je devais travailler. mais comment suis-je censé travailler sur des choses si l'autre partie ne joue pas correctement? je veux juste quelqu'un qui va m'aimer. veux que je sois moi. comprendre que mon état mental ne peut pas être aidé. c'est pourquoi je ne peux pas le quitter. personne d'autre ne traitera avec moi. personne d'autre ne sera jamais disposé à s'occuper de mes démons. pas par choix. Im trop fou pour personne. même ce seul gars sur qui je regardais. je suis presque sûr de l'avoir effrayé. n'a pas d'importance de toute façon. je n'ai pas le courage de partir de toute façon. je vais juste rester ici et être misérable. c'est n'importe quoi. je ne pourrais pas arracher Eryn de lui si j'essayais. elle serait dévastée.

3-20-19

"Maybe", "later", and "for now" are the worst words in the English language. 

Uncertainty triggers the worst anxiety. Especially these days, with everyone making such loose plans. Let's just make our plans now and be done with it, thank you very much.

No, a panic attack is not simply freaking out. It's like when you're crying and you cannot breathe and everything will not be OK and it never has been OK and you feel like you're going to die. Stop using the words "panic attack" so loosely... For those of us that have them, they're real, they can be paralyzing, and they suck. 

Waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back asleep because your brain is a spinning wheel of anxiety. 

You have so much to do tomorrow and now you're going to be so tired and you basically ruined everything and oh my god, I accidentally said that weird thing to my boss the other day and now she totally hates me and...UGH! 

Trust me, if I could stop worrying about how I'm going to get all my work done and if I'm going to be late for dinner, I'd stop. You telling me to stop worrying just makes me worry about it even more.

I feel anxiety about the tiniest things. 

My phone is going to run out of battery, even if it's at 53 percent. And why didn't I get invited to that get-together? Oh my god, I forgot to eat breakfast, and now I am going to be late and it's all my fault.

I freak out about being early...or late... — Will it be weird? What will I do while I'm waiting? — but if you're late, you freak out about keeping someone waiting or or having your boss get mad at you or...UGH! 

8-3-18

10 Common MYTHS About Bipolar Disorder

1.) It’s all in my head.
   --I’m not looking for an excuse to explain my erratic behavior and racing thoughts on. This isn’t even something I wanted. I was told I have it and tried to deny it and prove them wrong only to be proven wrong myself and proving them right anyways...

2.) Bipolar disorder is another name for people with “mood swings”  --I wish it was that easy... but no, it’s not even close. The mood swings are more severe, longer lasting, and they impact my ability to continually care for basic needs such as holding a job or showering daily.

3.) People with BiPolar disorder are all creative geniuses.  --Not..true.. some of us are. some of us aren’t. My manic episodes start off as me thinking I’m going to do this big amazing thing and then starting it only to get about halfway through it and lose focus or drive and then I’m so tired I can’t even think of anything but that I want to finish what I started but I’m so tired that I can’t and so I don’t... I don’t NOT do it because I won’t want to.. I don’t because I physically can’t talk my arms into moving, or I can’t get my legs to go to the spot or get in the shower and then I have to tell myself how horrible I am because I can’t even do this simple basic necessity...

4.) People with BiPolar switch back and forth from mania to depression all the time, or are ill all of the time.   --Nope. In fact, my manic episodes can last for up to a week and go away with no warning... or I can go weeks or even months appearing and BEING fully functioning without a symptom and then all of a sudden.... bam... I’m so down that I can’t figure out what day of the week it is. 

5.) People with BiPolar feel great and happy when they’re manic.  --For some people, the mania is a feel good thing. It can FEEL like a happy UP time.. because you’re manic. But this is not a one size fits all diagnosis for a one size fits all disease. This is something that is different for each person. It’s easy to feel euphoric during a manic cycle for some, but for others it can be chaotic and mixed. I have been manic AND depressed at the same time. I have to get up and do something but I’m so depressed that I don’t see why I’m alive so I have to find things to fill the void. So I become hyper sexual or take unnecessary risks and purchase things I can’t and shouldn’t buy or afford because all I can see is the right now and the here and now are all I can focus on. But then when I come down, it’s like the depression or mood stayed the same, but the energy and drive went away so I’m down down down all over again but worse than a normal day. Some peoples’ mania can be explosive anger or abusive outbursts. Others can be one panic attack into another and another into another and you become so paranoid that the people across the street walking their dog must be watching you because they stopped for more than a second and what kind of person does that(going a million miles a second through your head) or insomnia for days on end... it’s not pretty or fun.

6.) Recovery isn’t possible.   --This is not true.. With the correct treatment plan and help and sometimes, yes,.. even medication regimen.. BiPolar is manageable and can be lived with in a healthy way. You can have months and months where you’re symptom free not because you aren’t BiPolar... but because your treatment and mind over matter are stronger than your diagnosis and you are handling it in a healthy way. Comprehensive care is key. This means counseling, therapy, medication, diet and lifestyle changes and even sometimes, a change in who you hang out with. Some people aren’t good for your mental health and need to be cut free. If they aren’y helping your healthy changes, then they need to be let go. Getting enough sunlight, getting regular exercise, eating better, taking our meds daily and even though this may seem easy for those without BiPolar, it’s hard for us who have it. Some days I’m great. diet...check, take my meds...check, went for my walk...check, made sure I got sleep...check, kept record of my foods and didn’t skip breakfast...check. But others, this is impossible to where I’ll get 4 days in and realize I haven’t slept and don’t remember the last time I ate was and if I took my meds last night. Recovery is possible, but it is an every..single..day..hard..mindful..lifetime exercise. 

7.) Manic Depression is different from BiPolar Disorder  --Wrong.. It’s the exact same thing but with a new name because they learned more things about BiPolar and decided that simply calling it Manic Depression wasn’t enough. There are many types of BiPolar disorder and Manic Depression is just a blanket term used before the psychologists truly understood BiPolar or knew there were different types... 

8.) Once BiPolar is under control, we don’t need to take medications anymore.  --This, as outlined in number 6 above, is wrong as well.. BiPolar episodes can last for days, weeks, months, or even years in some. So to say that we are better now and don’t need meds is wrong. The reason we are better is because of our meds and if we stop taking them, the bad stuff comes rushing back and most times at a lightning speed never before witnessed and we become worse and worse each time. Many people believe they only need to take their meds on bad days and this is not true. In order to have continuous good days we need to continually take our meds to balance out our brain’s neurons and keep everything level. It would be amazing if we never had to take our meds again once we were better.. but the truth is, it’ll never be better.. it’s just how managed your BiPolar is with medication(s). Rising cost of meds, the medication roulette our doctors put us through trying to find the right medication or mixture of medications it’s going to take to regulate our moods and the chemicals in our brains. The constantly changing side effects and regulating to new meds if your body adapts to the medication.. it’s tiring,. it really is... but if we were to stop taking the meds once we thought we were better... we would relapse and like any other disease, would have to reap some pretty horrible consequences. 

9.) Children can’t have BiPolar OR You can’t be diagnosed until you’re 18 years old.  --While it’s hard to tell the difference between BiPolar symptoms and age appropriate mood swings as well as hard to diagnose, but children as young as 6 yrs old have been diagnosed. You just have to look harder and examine a lot more in depth because an improper diagnosis can cause harm if you improperly medicate an adolescent for BiPolar, but it IS possible and is DOES happen. 

and finally... 

10.) There’s a test for BiPolar.  --No, there’s not... there are symptoms displayed and when a professional is vigilant in seeing the symptoms for what they are, they can all be put together to show BiPolar and it MUST be diagnosed by a professional.

Being BiPolar is not a fun thing to walk around telling people that you are or laughing off and joking around about.... It is a real, sometimes painful thing that a lot of people suffer from daily.