11-16-15

I want to scream and I need a trainer.... I break a sweat changing my shirt and I try talking to my counselor who's doing great but wants to focus on one thing at a time and I wanna just pour it all out and I only have an hour and I need more and now I see her every two weeks instead of every week but I don't want every other week. I'm tired of being all alone here and only having Bryan and kids. I don't even have colleagues because I can't get a job and my entire fucking life is going to hell and I'm trying to not tell and scream at everyone all the time and be a bitch but ya know.... I'm tired of everyone telling me to be positive and stop letting it get me down. Maybe I just wanna be held, invited to go out and hang out or go to the movies. I can't. Because I have nobody to watch my kids because I'm all alone aside from Bryan. I want to have friends face to face. I want my mom to be MY MOM not my sisters mom. Is she ashamed of me so bad that she's just going to replace me with her? I love my sister don't get me wrong but really?? She's mine. My mom. And yeah she's annoying and I can't stand most of the things that she's ever done to me but she's still MY MOM! And I can't vent to anyone because every time I try I get "oh I know, let me feed you my problems." I'm not looking for a game of my life's worse than yours. Maybe I just want a fucking ear to talk to. Shoulder to cry on. Maybe I'm sick and tired of being strong. Maybe I want someone to come to me. Make me a priority. Baby me.... I feel like I'm trying to search for something that doesn't exist.


My nightmares are coming back full force and I can't control them no matter how hard I try. I keep having flashbacks about him hitting me, throwing me down and kicking me. holding his hand over my throat until I started seeing stars and kicking and gurgling until the edges of my vision went blurry and darkened into blackness that crept into my point of view feeling like an ocean of hell washing over me.

Him walking in and finding me in bed after killing my daughter or dragging her to the bedroom to have her watch him kill me, or vice versa. 

I don't sleep much anymore...
I just want..... Too much I guess...


Nothing I do is good enough and I'm tired of it. I go to school, can't use the degrees because nobody will hire me freelance and I can't go to a normal office environment. I also refuse to work in a mail room with hopes that one magic day I'll be an artist like the real employees.. -_- not..happening...


And another thing.... If you want me to back out just say so. Being stepped all over my some kid that doesn't know half what I know is pissing me off... Especially when she doesn't discuss anything WITH ME and can't do the tasks she's actually attempting correctly and it looks like shit!

7-10-15

Okay, so I don't normally do this, but I need a place to rant again and this seems the best place to do that.

I am a PROUD member of the BDSM community and lifestyle. I am also a domestic violence survivor and rape survivor among other things. Many people seem to think that BDSM is abuse, which.. it CAN be... but only if the so-called "Dominant" is doing things that are not of the general health, well-being, or happiness of the submissive.

In a healthy relationship, a person uses abuse on one-off occasions. You can predict that they will be caring, loving and respectful most of the time.

But in an abusive relationship, a person uses abuse and control often. You can predict that they will abuse you and that they will control you. Sometimes they are caring and loving.



I have been in GOOD D/s relationships, and I have been in BAD D/s relationships and there IS a difference!!

There is a fine line between BDSM and ABUSE/DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. 

BDSM is coessential with agreed limits pre-set.

ABUSE/DOMESTIC VIOLENCE should be defined as any act against a person that is physically or emotionally demeaning. 

A Dominant will always be looking out for your best interests. A Dominant will NOT isolate you. He/She will ALWAYS be supportive of you having friends and will not want you to lose friends unless they are harmful to you or your physical/emotional/mental state.

An abusive partner will use isolation as a debilitating consequence of abuse and control

Anyone who lives with an ongoing experience of being abused by a family or household member can become isolated as a result. For instance, the victim may withdraw from friends and family to save face or because they feel misunderstood, judged, stigmatised, or not supported. Particular tactics aimed at isolating the victim can lead women to become extremely dependent on their controlling partner.

**RED FLAG**

If he/she tells you that you are not allowed to see certain people

Sally said, “I was not allowed to keep in touch with my male friends. I made the assumption he was jealous but he’d never admit to it – he had no comprehension that my friendship with these men did not mean I loved him any less or that they’d get more attention in any way whatsoever – it was so immature and pathetic of him and ignorant that he refused to even meet these people.”

Please for the life of everything you hold dear.... 

PLEASE DO NOT LET YOURSELF FALL INTO THE FAD OF BDSM AND END UP IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. 

6-30-15_2

Week 1:  Assignment 2 Discussion

Assignment 2: One-Point Perspective In Action

Original Work:

Instructor Feedback:

You're catching on !

Some of this is really quite good, but there are other areas you can correct - see: http://screencast.com/t/LubDTbp81t

Your presentation looks pretty good, notice the file size we need is 72ppi and about 600 px W x 800 px H.

Revised Work: