I hate my red fucking hair.
I hate my stupid blue eyes.
I hate my huge fucking body.
I hate the way I talk.
I hate the way I think.
I hate that I don’t do enough.
I hate me.
I wish I’d fall asleep and stay there.
I hate my stupid thin lips.
I hate my cheek bones.
I sincerely hate myself. Inside and out.
I am not yelling at anyone. I am not mad or screaming. I am going to make a list of things I have asked various people in this household to do that either hasn’t gotten done when I asked, or I have had to ask multiple times to get anything done with it… This is my list:
The dishes need to be stayed up on, this isn’t an optional thing, I need dishes to stop piling up all day and then sitting overnight.
cat litter needs to be sifted more than once a day or once every 2-3 days or not sifted at all and then just changed. This is wasting money and I’m tired of wasting money. I literally scrubbed deep cleaning scrubbed the whole laundry room Monday and now it’s Nasty again…
Laundry: The laundry, I have asked multiple people to change a load or two and get it 100% caught up on a weekend and it never happens and then it piles up and is getting out of control especially knowing that there’s like 4-5 minimum loads upstairs that y’all are neglecting to bring down and wash as I’ve asked and told and asked repeatedly…
the bathroom keeps becoming more and more cluttered and then I go through and pile through everything and clean the whole thing. This is tiring.
Everyone is so worried about phones or video games or goofing off or whatever else it is that you all focus on that’s not contributing to the house you all live in and it makes me feel like I’m the only one that cares how the house looks.
Whenever I say something to dad it turns into an argument.
Whenever I say something to Renny, it turns into an argument
whenever I say something to Lyn or Eryn, I get huffed at or yelled/griped at and so much attitude as if me asking for other people to also clean the house everyone lives in, is unacceptable and how dare I fathom someone else helping.
Unless you’re wanting money right away and are interested in it, then nobody seems to want to take care of the house they live in.
NOW, that I have said all this…. I will say this:
I NEED HELP. I cannot work 40hrs a week, wash all the laundry, eat, cook, clean the bathroom, sift the litter 4-6x a day, clean up the living room, clean the bathroom and change all the trash, wash dishes 3x a day, and have time for anything personal for myself including bathing/showering and sleep.
If I don’t start getting help all around consistently, I am going to start seeming like I’m only ever grumpy because I’m never going to be able to do anything but be everyone’s maid, which is how I feel when I’m cleaning all the time and everyone around me is playing video games or just hanging out and not helping.
I honestly hate myself at times. Today is one of those days and nothing I do is making it better and if I try to tell someone, I'll either get toxic positivity "You have to look on the bright side" type bullshit, or I'll get made to feel like I'm the bad guy. So again here I go, just smiling and pretending I'm alright when I'm honestly not good, and I'm broken inside and everything's making it worse and I've tried reaching out to people and nothing I say seems to help really. I'm irritable and my house is never going to be clean unless i do it all and I have to work and bring in all the money to support everyone and I have to drive everyone to all the appointments and I have to literally do everything and then I'm unreasonable to expect that someone else is going to sift the cat litter, feed animals, wash dishes and keep them clean throughout the day, wash laundry and not let it get behind.... Things like that, I don't feel like it's an unreasonable thing to expect, but apparently I'm not doing enough for everyone, so I suppose I'll endeavor to do more. Right now I have a migraine that's making me want to puke and it's not dehydration or food because I've had water and food and it's not getting any better, so I might go lay down and pretend the world doesn't exist anymore for a bit.
So, I have been referred to a neurological Opthamologist for my left eye! Apparently the pain I have been having as well as the visual fluctuations are worrisome for the Opthamologist and she wants me seen by someone higher up.
Here's the results of the test:
VISUAL FIELD 24-2 OU (BOTH EYES) Study Result
Date of Procedure
11/30/2022.
Technician Information
Imaging Technician: SP.
Left eye completed first. Unable to do gaze tracking via machine for both
eyes, but manually tracked and patient seemed to have steady fixation
during both tests. .
Reliability
Right Eye
Good.
Left Eye
Poor.
Interpretation
Right Eye
Normal.
Left Eye
Non-specific defect.
Interval Change
Right Eye
Stable.
Left Eye
Better.
Notes
Left eye ( tested firs today): Temporal defect there on pattern and total
deviation- almost gives a clover like appearance -questionable lens rim
defect prev
Today temporal defect improved but still there- Not reliable left eye
false positive 25%, false negative 20%
So, I checked myself out yesterday after them trying to force me to eat when my bariatric surgeon said "try to eat, if it hurts, stop" But this lady was basically threatening me that if I didn't eat she was going to label me combative.
So, I checked out like my surgeon said to do and today I had an appt with him and he has scheduled an EGD on tuesday! Until then I am to not eat anything spicy, greasy, acidic, or cold.
So I'm trying to eat slowly and only as much as my stomach tells me it can handle.
I start a new work at home job Monday and have an upper GI scope on Tuesday and then two surgeries next month....
My winter is turning out to be very very busy in addition to trying to do my yearly baking as I always do to sell and make money on the side.
Wish me luck! and if you're local and interested in purchasing any of these (pictures below) homemade deliciousnesses....... shoot me a message and let me know!!
So, I was in contact with my surgeon (the bariatric one) and he said that he wants me to get an EDG done, and since the doctors here are trying to strongarm me into eating and drinking (i don't mean advising, i mean, being downright mean and nearly yelling at me to eat or they'll list me as combative, when the only reason I'm not eating is that it hurts.... a lot...) So, they have the lab run one more tests and then tell me to check out, leave, and go see my surgeon tomorrow so that I can get an EGD scheduled.
This is the results that came from today before I checked out and went home as they tried to urge me to stay since my potassium is still really low.
| Component | Your Value | Standard Range | Flag |
|---|---|---|---|
| Protein, Total | 5.4 g/dL | L | |
| Albumin | 3.1 g/dL | L | |
| Calcium, Total | 8.0 mg/dL | L | |
| Bilirubin, Total | 0.2 mg/dL | ||
| Alkaline Phosphatase | 85 U/L | ||
| AST | 15 U/L | ||
| ALT | 12 U/L | ||
| Glucose | 82 mg/dL | ||
| BUN | 3 mg/dL | L | |
| Creatinine | 0.64 mg/dL | ||
| Sodium | 140 mmol/L | ||
| Potassium | 3.4 mmol/L | L | |
| Chloride | 110 mmol/L | H | |
| CO2 | 21 mmol/L | L | |
| Anion Gap | 9 mmol/L | ||
| Estimated Glomerular Filtration Rate | 118 mL/min/1.73m² | ||
So, the nurses on this floor are mostly alright but a couple of them are QUITE rude....
Almost as if I'm an inconvenience being here. Today they tell me my potassium is very low and start me on the fire in my veins....... I mean.... potassium infusions. so that's fun,.. and they did blood work this morning and this was the result.
| Component | Your Value | Standard Range | Flag |
|---|---|---|---|
| Protein, Total | 6.0 g/dL | L | |
| Albumin | 3.5 g/dL | L | |
| Calcium, Total | 8.4 mg/dL | L | |
| Bilirubin, Total | 0.3 mg/dL | ||
| Alkaline Phosphatase | 94 U/L | ||
| AST | 18 U/L | ||
| ALT | 16 U/L | ||
| Glucose | 95 mg/dL | ||
| BUN | 8 mg/dL | ||
| Creatinine | 0.64 mg/dL | ||
| Sodium | 142 mmol/L | ||
| Potassium | 3.3 mmol/L | L | |
| Chloride | 113 mmol/L | H | |
| CO2 | 20 mmol/L | L | |
| Anion Gap | 9 mmol/L | ||
| Estimated Glomerular Filtration Rate | 118 mL/min/1.73m² | ||
So, remember me telling you the hospital sent me home with no answers and no help and nothing? So, a week later and I end up going back in and they're JUST as helpful, only this time, I can't eat or drink properly. Pain comes with both. Immense pain. So, by this point, I haven't eaten in 2 days and I can't drink anything, even water... So I go in to the ER AGAIN..... tonight. I make them keep me because if I can't even drink, I'm going to become dehydrated and dehydration is dangerous for me.... being post bariatric patient and all...
So I have them keeping me, being very insistent. They have put me under observation. Then my test results start to come back in again.... and here they are...
| Component | Your Value | Standard Range | Flag |
|---|---|---|---|
| GLUCOSE UA (POCT) | Negative mg/dL | ||
| BILIRUBIN UA (POCT) | Negative | ||
| KETONE UA (POCT) | Negative mg/dL | ||
| SPECIFIC GRAVITY UA (POCT) | >=1.030 | ||
| HEMOGLOBIN/BLOOD UA (POCT) | Negative | ||
| PH UA (POCT) | 5.5 | ||
| PROTEIN UA (POCT) | Negative mg/dL | ||
| UROBILINOGEN UA (POCT) | 0.2 E.U./dL | ||
| NITRITE UA (POCT) | Negative | ||
| LEUKOCYTES UA (POCT) | Small | A | |
| COLOR UA (POCT) | Yellow | ||
| CLARITY UA (POCT) | Cloudy |
| Component | Your Value | Standard Range | Flag |
|---|---|---|---|
| Color | Dark Yellow | A | |
| Clarity | Turbid | A | |
| Glucose, Urine | Negative | ||
| Bilirubin, Urine | 1+ | A | |
| Suggest correlation with clinical findings and serum bilirubin if clinically indicated. | |||
| Ketones, Urine | Trace | A | |
| Specific Gravity, Ur | >=1.030 | H | |
| Hemoglobin/Blood,Ur | Negative | ||
| pH, Urine | 5.5 | ||
| Protein, Urine | Trace | A | |
| Urobilinogen | 0.2 EU/dL | ||
| Nitrites | Negative | ||
| Leuk Esterase | 2+ | A | |
| WBC, Urine | 11-25 /HPF | A | |
| RBC, Urine | 0-3 /HPF | ||
| Bacteria | Moderate /HPF | A | |
| Squamous Epithelial Cells | Few /HPF | ||
| Non-Squamous Epithelial Cells | Few /HPF | A | |
This is an appended report. These results have been appended to a previously verified report.
| Component | Your Value | Standard Range | Flag |
|---|---|---|---|
| WBC | 11.00 k/uL | ||
| RBC | 4.39 m/uL | ||
| Hemoglobin | 13.3 g/dL | ||
| Hematocrit | 39.9 % | ||
| MCV | 90.9 fL | ||
| MCH | 30.3 pg | ||
| MCHC | 33.3 g/dL | ||
| RDW-CV | 12.8 % | ||
| Platelet Count | 287 k/uL | ||
| MPV | 10.4 fL | ||
| Neut% | 72.5 % | ||
| Abs Neut | 7.99 k/uL | H | |
| Lymph% | 20.1 % | ||
| Abs Lymph | 2.21 k/uL | ||
| Mono% | 5.4 % | ||
| Abs Mono | 0.59 k/uL | ||
| Eosin% | 1.2 % | ||
| Abs Eosin | 0.13 k/uL | ||
| Baso% | 0.5 % | ||
| Abs Baso | 0.05 k/uL | ||
| Immature Gran % | 0.3 % | ||
| Abs Immature Gran | 0.03 k/uL | ||
| NRBC | 0.0 /100 WBC | ||
| Absolute nRBC | <0.01 k/uL | ||
| Diff Type | Auto |
| Component | Your Value | Standard Range | Flag |
|---|---|---|---|
| Protein, Total | 7.4 g/dL | ||
| Albumin | 4.4 g/dL | ||
| Calcium, Total | 9.4 mg/dL | ||
| Bilirubin, Total | 0.3 mg/dL | ||
| Alkaline Phosphatase | 114 U/L | ||
| AST | 25 U/L | ||
| ALT | 21 U/L | ||
| Glucose | 95 mg/dL | ||
| BUN | 10 mg/dL | ||
| Creatinine | 0.71 mg/dL | ||
| Sodium | 143 mmol/L | ||
| Potassium | 3.1 mmol/L | L | |
| Chloride | 108 mmol/L | H | |
| CO2 | 22 mmol/L | ||
| Anion Gap | 13 mmol/L | ||
| Estimated Glomerular Filtration Rate | 113 mL/min/1.73m² | ||
