Tuesday, April 20, 2021
Thursday, April 8, 2021
4-8-21.2
Im going to vent. I don’t expect a response. Just... want someone to listen.
I’m sorry I’m emotional. I’m sorry I don’t do it right. Idk how. And all I do is mess things up. Hurt people. And push people away.
I’m more trouble than I’m worth and I’m more work than reward.
I don’t mean to overstimulate. I don’t mean to overwhelm. Honest.
The post isn’t about you, but I mean.... I guess it could have been. I just couldn’t understand why you went radio silent. I’m overwhelmed today and overstimulated too. But the one person that can help me, dropped off. So I panicked. And I fixated. And i festered. And I bugged. And I clung. And I was over clingy. And then I saw that’s what I was doing. So I backed off in fear I was making it worse.
Tried reaching out to my sister who swears I mean the world to her so I could vent, but then when I need her, she can’t because her boyfriend wants to watch a movie. I feel like I’m not worth 3% of anyone’s day because that’s how long it takes to message and say “hi I’m thinking about you” or “I’m having a hard day” or “I care” or anything...
And no, I’m not trying to guilt you. I realize that I may be asking more from you than you are able to give. And I have to accept that.
4-8-21
Not in the mood for jokes. Emotions running high and on my sleeve. I’m medicated and overwhelmed with my own brain. If I am giving you my time and you’re blowing it off, I’m taking it personally. I don’t do this on purpose and logically I know everyone has a life and their own things to do and can’t always message back in 10minutes. But if you’re a passenger in a car and your phone is at 84%, you could take theee seconds out of your day to see that I’ve messaged you a dozen times. See that my fb story seems triggered and reach out. Tell me you’re alright after the therapy you’re doing because I know you’re nervous and scared and don’t know what else to do or have anyone to turn to.
I’m used to people choosing toxic people over me. Idk why I thought it would be different. Idk why I feel so hard. Idk why my brain does this. I have no idea how to think differently.
You say you love me for my clingy and my needy but then you ignore me all day. I want to be important all the time. I hate radio silence. It gives me high panic and anxiety and some of us don’t just have an abundance of medication at the ready to take care of it. My counselor thinks I’m doing amazing because of everything I say. Nobody sees the real me anymore. Nobody peels back the layers and the words and the emotions to take the time to see. To ask. To.... just dig inside and help.
I help and work and try and push and o do everything. And I’m afraid it’ll never be returned. Not the actions or the materials. That’s not it. My issue lies in the meaning. I feel like I’m asking for things that you can’t or won’t give me. Time. Not just being on the phone.
I want efforts. I want kisses. I want touch. I want you to be here. I want promises kept. I need physical connection as well.
And no this isn’t about sex. It’s about craving and needing someone to go the extra mile for me for once.
Someone willing to mirror my efforts. Show me what I mean to you. Tell me sweet things. Draw me pictures and write me notes and mail them to me. Show people you have someone. Show me off. Don’t hide me. Don’t be ashamed of me and tell me you love me.
Don’t wear a mask with me.
Monday, April 5, 2021
4-5-21
Chan eil mi eu-domhainn, ach is toil leam rudan a cheannach dhomh. Cheannaich cuideigin flùraichean dhomh agus chan eil mi cinnteach cò, ach bha e milis dhiubh. Bidh mi an-còmhnaidh a ’ceannach rudan dha daoine eile agus is ann ainneamh a thèid an smaoineachadh no an gluasad air ais. Tha mi dèidheil air a bhith a ’milleadh mo chompanach. Tha mi dìreach ag iarraidh gun dèanadh iad an aon rud air ais. Ifrinn, bidh mi gan frasadh ann an tiodhlacan (is e seo grunn dhaoine eadar-dhealaichte fad mo bheatha.) Is toil leam a bhith a ’ceannach rudan agus a’ cur rudan agus a ’faighinn iongnadh cuideachd.
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