4-27-24

 I’m just so defeated. Nothing I do works out. Nothing I try ever fucking works! I was supposed to start school in June and now I can’t do that because you were jealous and lost your job. 

I’m not happy. I’m not happy with my life. I’m not happy with my body. I’m just generally not happy. 

I wish I would die. And no.. you reading this… I’m not going to try to end things myself. But if someone else tried to do it for me, I wouldn’t stop them. 

I love my family. I think. Like… idk if I really know what love is at this point tbh. I definitely don’t love myself. I hate my body. I hate that I can’t succeed. I hate that I’m fat. I hate that I can’t support my family. I just literally hate everything. Nothing makes me happy. I have too much stuff in my house to be able to keep it clean the way I KNOW I can if I tried. 

Everyone around me is so freaking lazy. Always an excuse. No one ever takes responsibility for the things they’ve done. Or not done. It’s always an excuse. And I’m so tired of excuses. I need to get my house cleaned. 

I hate video games anymore. They’re a waste of time. They stop me from being productive. I want my house to get back to the way I had it. And I will make it happen if it kills me. 

I don’t even think I want to be in any relationship right now. Honestly, I was doing better when it was just me and my monkey and we just did everything our way. 

My house was never a mess. I was actually making progress mentally. And yeah, SOME things were harder… but not everything. And definitely not my mental state. 

I’m going to put in the calendar that I’m doing certain things each day. I have a plan. And I know what I need to do. I just need to be 100% disciplined about it. I need to rotate my mindset and start doing what needs done no matter who is on board or who isn’t. 

I will not fail again. I am going back to school. I am going to make something of myself. I am going to fix my house up. I am going to figure it all out with or without the rest of the “adults” in my house. 

No more excuses. No more leeway. No more procrastination. No more laziness. 

I’m taking back my life. I’m going back to when I was happy and I’m going to succeed.