8-29-15

I'm so glad that you can't pay your rent and need utility help, and complain that your food stamps went down again, and your car is broken and you can't afford a new one or to repair the one you have, but you can afford to go all over hell's creation. Can't be bothered to save up to come to my wedding, but you have the money to go on a road trip. 

Am I not important?

I live all the way across the country. 

Someone I've never met, ever in my life, is excited and has said more about my wedding and seeing me and visiting than you have. 😢 I just got caught up on my rent and it's due again with this next check, so my daughter will be starting kindergarten without a few things on her list. Do you know how bad that feels? No, because someone's always been there to bail you out one way or another. But I haven't complained to you about it. Because if you're not bitching about something, you're not happy. 

If you don't care about him, stop checking up on him. 

If you can't afford your rent, don't go on road trips. 

"I can't pay all my bills but I am buying wine."

 I receive food stamps. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I haven't really gotten anything out of my pocket for myself in MONTHS. Because we can't afford it. Simple as that. 

But see, I can't talk to you about these things, because you'll defend your actions, call me irrational or jealous or whatever, and stop talking to me. And then I'll fall into my emotional pit again. And I'm tired of losing people. So I'll just keep it here and to myself. Eventually it'll go away. It always does. 

8-27-15

I think about you all the time. How we talked about weddings. And the fun we had when we were kids. Helping you with your homework. You trying to teach me how to dance lol. I can't believe it's been a month since my entire world shifted. It's not the first time, but...it...I never thought I'd be getting that call. Just goes to show you.... You need to live life each day as it comes because tomorrow isn't promised. :( I love you Kristine. Always and forever cuz. ❤️💛💚💙💜

8-20-15_2

Breathe......

I can breathe......

My kids can't help it.....

They don't understand....

Breathe.....good.....

They don't do it on purpose...

They are trying their best...

Breathe...

My version of counting to 10:

1. When he/she is calm he/she will listen. 

2. I am the adult and as such must remain calm or they never will. 

3. Just because they're loud and crying doesn't mean you're wrong. 

4. Just because they're quiet and still doesn't mean you're right. 

5. I love my kids. 

6. They love me. 

They're doing their best. 

***deep breath***

7. Ignore the meltdown, he/she can't control themselves. 

8. They're screaming out of frustration not pain. Don't let his/her hands go, she/he will hurt themselves. 

9. They are doing the best they know how. 

10. You're a good mom, you're doing the best you can. 

This doesn't always work. And I try as hard as I can... But some days, I just want to let them do what they want and say screw it. I'll clean the house later. >_< 

But today is not that day.

8-20-15

I woke up this morning curled up in a ball at the end of the bed (Bryan stole all blankets in his sleep) woke up, freezing, tampon overflowing, feeling gross, took a shower, conditioned hair. Forgot to wash it before conditioning it. Separated laundry. Kid i was to babysit showed up. I tripped and fell. Kids got up, refused to clean anything. I put laundry in and got it going (btw it's $1.25 to wash and 12mins/$.25 to dry and they're no bigger than what you'd have in a house you owned....) came back, kids hungry. Pushed hair back wards to realize I still had conditioner in my hair. *Goody...too late now...ponytail* made lunch for kids and they refused the food so I had to force them to eat it. Zinneah(babysat kid) pours cup of guava(which tastes like a cactus btw) juice all over herself. I change her. Get the juice cleaned. Both bathrooms clean. My bedroom clean. Eryn's room clean. Micah's room clean. Can't do homework because kids won't stop being assholes. Zinneah goes home. Micah goes down for a nap. Try to do homework only to be interrupted by Eryn every thirty seconds for some mundane question like "why do ducks quack" as if I'm supposed to know this shit.... I accidentally burnt rice. So I had to remake that. Micah woke up so I had to let him out. Laundry keeps taking more than $1.00 to dry, so I have to go to walgreens for more quarters that I can't afford because I have to pay bills. But I need clean clothes too so there's a huge 'HA' moment. I made dinner and Eryn is refusing to eat it altogether. And Micah is picking the rice out of the zucchini piece by piece and refusing to eat vegetables!!!!! Bryan won't be home for another three hours. I still have to go buy quarters. I want to stop being a grown up. 

Oh.....AND these surgeries have stressed me out so bad, my dr thinks I have stomach ulcers.....

8-7-15

Really starting to feel like nobody wants to come. 

I'm important when you need me. You're supposed to be important to me when you need me. When I'm doing bad, you're time first to step in and be all "girl, you got this." But when I want to celebrate something that I'm utterly excited about that's good, you can't even mark an 'x' and put down a number, lick a strip and drop it in a box, you can't be bothered....? I even paid for the postage already! You literally have nothing else you have to do but write an x and a number and lick an envelope!!