9-27-14

Well, today was productive. I managed to get all of Micah's room cleaned, his toys organized and completely revamp his room night before last. Last night I got the girls room cleaned up finally.... and removed all the trash and toys and clothes from their room. During the day Sheryl and I went through the girls toys and threw away all the trashed broken or useless ones. Then I managed to wash 14 loads of laundry to get the girls entire wardrobe clean. I'm working through the blankets and sheets now.

I cut tonight.. for the first time in months, I cut myself. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to stop myself so bad. Bill told me he plans to marry this woman and last night told me he had a one night stand with some random chick he met at a store. I am so disapointed in him. I can't believe he has done this. That he is going to marry this woman e has never met and has only known for a couple weeks... all because he wants to be married. He told me he doesn't love her and yet is going to marry her... this made me over the edge sad... upset... hurt... and so many other things all at once.
What happened to the man I looked up to for 8 years? What happened to the man that swore he'd never marry someone he didn't love. Held marriage high and with great honor...? I missed him.... but this isn't the real him. It's a fake shell of someone I used to know. and I don't like it.

I had plans with Sheryl today to try and cuddle and have some us time... but that didn't happen. She never moved from the computer. :( I just want affection. I miss the feeling that I'm needed, loved, and desired. I don't feel pretty... I don't even feel.... attractive in the least.

Nobody ever touches me anymore without me hinting at it. Nobody wants me.
I can't wait for my next counselor appointment. I'm..... I'm just going to hope she has some good ideas on how to deal with this all. Because I'm lost and can't think of what to do and I feel like that little girl in a room that nobody will come into because nobody wants to play with me.

I miss feeling like I'm wanted. I don't feel like Sheryl wants me... not like I used to feel it. She used to hug or kiss me randomly, she stopped...
she used to try hard to get me to lay next to her... she stopped...
I hate sleeping on the couch, I truly do.

I slept in the bed with Bryan last night... it was nice, but, he still has some learning to do.. I'm so frustrated by all of this... I'm horny all the time and can't fix it because nothing helps... I have vibrators and they don't help, I have tried... they only work for a few minutes and then I'm right back up there again.... If I had sex as much as I've been wanting to lately then everyone in this house would think I'm a whore. I think about it constantly. I mean... all the time.... I can't think of anything else most of the time, because I can't get past the horny. I'm so nervous about this procedure ... this vaginal mesh bladder sling thing that the dr wants me to get... I... I'm scared... He said we need to schedule it next week... He was adamant about it too.... I tried getting him to schedule it for the week after next, but he really wants to do it next week... I'm so worried something will happen that I'm just freaking out...

My panic attacks are getting worse each day. I had 4 today alone. I can't handle this much more.
I've applied at a few places to work, but can't find another job. My phone got turned off, so I need a new one and can't afford it... My bills are piling up around me and I have no money to pay them. Something has got to give here because I can't deal with this much longer.... I need to feel like my hopes and dreams and needs matter too... really soon.... because I can't just ignore my needs forever... it'll break me, and I'll end up dying inside... and Eryn needs me.

I think I am going to go take a bath for a while... maybe my vibrator will help me tonight for more than just to postpone it for five minutes...

9-26-14

She got out of jail and had her procedure and now it's right back to computer all day and night... She stays on the computer all freaking day. I'm so frustrated. I just want affection... :(

Bill has started messaging me again a lot. and I'm not going to lie... there's a lot of feelings still there... but the things he said... when everything went down he hurt me hard. I am so behind on schoolwork, I think I have to buckle down and stop letting other people distract me so much.

I have figured out that I have issues with holding things in too long and then when they finally come out they explode. Bill told me today that his girlfriend proposed to him... I mean.. doesn't anyone hold marriage sacred anymore?? She has been "dating" him for two weeks now... that's not long enough to marry someone...
He says he told her no
but I don't know what;s gotten into him lately.

I don't know why this bothers me so much. I love Sheryl and I love Bryan... but... I don't know... I know I still love Bill... I still have love for him, and Allan too. I can;t just leave Sheryl and Bryan and go back to Bill... I can't.. but I don't like the pang of hurt when I hear he's considering marriage to someone so.... new..
I can't help but feel like I caused all of this..

I'm going to talk to Sheryl about things tonight some if she gets off the computer with time to talk... I need someone to talk to me and just listen. Pay attention to how I feel and... be here for me.

Love,
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-24-14

Well, Sheryl had her procedure today... it wasn't as fast as the doctor told us, but she's okay... She had some pain meds and they made her sleepy, she laid down and slept almost all day... lol

But that's okay, because Eryn and Micah slept almost all day too.. so I was able to get a nap because I haven't been sleeping well lately. I get maybe 2 hours a night if I'm lucky and force myself to sleep.. I'm hoping that something breaks soon because I'm exhausted. I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight again, but only because Bryan has to work tomorrow and Sheryl is already in the bed.

I'm going to be going to DSHS tomorrow to REapply for food stamps. Bryan said he'd walk me through it so I have help.

I have realized a lot lately that I start cerying for no reason if I don't keep my mind occupied and over worked. It's weird, and I'm going to be talking to my counselor about it on Wednesday next week. I don't like it. I mean... it's not normal...

I'm so far behind in school that I'm going to be trying to get my work caught up and soon, so I might not write tomorrow, but I might try anyhow. We shall see...

I'm also going to go to a temp agency to see if I can handle job search. My phone got turned off because I can't pay it due to having no money or income... so I'm hoping that maybe I can do temp work and not have to worry about my panic attacks.

I'm not sure how well it's going to work, but I have to try.

Well, I'm so tired.. I think I might get sleep tonight... I'm going to go lay down and get comfy... nighty night...

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-23-14

Well, today was a lot better than the last few weeks... yesterday she got out of jail and RAN to me to hug and kiss me and I ... I just felt so loved! :) I think that if I can find a way to get her to talk to me more often that we might be able to just work through this all!

She has a procedure tomorrow so I was going to not even bother about her sleeping on the couch, just let her have the bed since she has the thing tomorrow for the essure thing, but she decided to sleep on the couch and let me sleep in the bed... we are going to watch a few episodes of Shameless and then head to bed... good night :)


Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

She was released on a Personal Recognizance Bond! The judge says that since she has no previous criminal history, that she is going to let her out and she has a Public Defender... She's getting out! They said it can take up to 4 hours, so Bryan and I are going to go home and feed the kids, get them all ready and stuff for bed and then wait for her call.... ^_^


Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

So her court was supposed to start at 10, but it's already noon, the court house is closing for lunch and she hasn't been seen yet. Nobody has... I don't know what's going on but I don't like it. Bryan and I are going to go home, nap, eat, and then going to go back at 1:30... hopefully they're closer to having arraignments by then,....

Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

Well, Sheryl has court today... Just got Taea up for school... Sheryl's mom said she'd watch Eryn and Micah... so Bryan and I are going to go to the court house and see which room she's in and then her arraignment is at 10. I'm so hoping that this goes well... I'm so scared for her. I hope she's holding up alright. I miss her so much.


Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-21-14

I'm getting worse.... I had a panic attack today and all I did was turn around and when I looked up, Bryan was gone... I freaked out and just... :( I couldn't breathe... I started trying to scream... I got to the end of the aisle and saw him just as I collapsed. I got him to come to me and help me up... I just... these are getting worse and I'm scared it'll happen when there's nobody to help me...

I've also started getting notifications from Meetme saying that Bill has been looking at my profile....

I'm not sure how I feel about this... part of me is happy, the other part.... upset and.... just... I don't know. I do still care about him and love him... but I love Bryan and Sheryl too...

Why can't anything for me be easy? :(

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-20-14

Oh my god!
Sheryl was arrested! She and her mother were screaming and fighting and then all of a sudden BAM! She started hitting her and then the cops were called and Sheryl was taken to jail! The cops talked to me and I told them what happened... After she was done talking to them, they told us that she was going to be arrested, I ran outside and gave her a hug and a kiss and stalled as long as I could. I had called Bryan and gotten him home in time to say goodbye. The cops told us that she won't be able to see a judge until Monday!! :(

I'm so scared, what's gonna happen!> Her mom called Taea ugly and was putting her down and this all started because I told her mom that she needed to start pulling some weight around here. Her chores are kitchen, bedroom, and the rule is no smoking in the kids rooms... :( She... It was horrible! Bryan and I are going to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese for dinner tonight... something to get them out of the house, Bryan away from Sheryl's mom, and a place where I can clear my head and think..

I have to make sure I stay calm, because Bryan looks like he's gonna lose it. :(

I have to stay calm.... I can do this... Fixing to leave soon... ttyl

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-20-14

Well... Another night on the couch. 

I think I made progress in one area though... I think that maybe there's gonna be a little more give and take and cooperation as far as bills and money go... Or at least I hope so. :/ I had a discussion... And while there were angry raised voices here and there.. I think she's agreed to let the money that comes into the house by all parties be "our money" until the bills are all paid.. And then the rest can be split or frivolously spent. 

I listed all the bills out and their average costs, and added them up... And while it upset her to have the discussion in the first place.... I think that I may have made progress..!

We will see in time... But I'm hoping that I for through to her and got her to understand that this is a relationship and that as such should be a group effort by all those in in the relationship. 

I'm really really trying though..

Listening....and responding to the thought. 

I m really tired now 

So I'm gonna go lay down.  

Love,

Always,

Birdie Lou'

9-19-14

Why? Why couldn't he just stay gone? Why couldn't he just move on and be happy and just stay gone?? The memories hurt. The feelings... They cut deep... I want to cry but then everyone will ask me what's wrong. And I don't wanna lie. But if I told the truth it would hurt Sheryl and Bryan. I just.... Why can't things be easy!? Why Did it have to be so hard? Why couldn't I just move on and heal? It hasn't even been a month and already he's come back. I offered the friendship bridge and he declined. He said no. He called me. Bad mom. A whore. A slut. He told me I was a bad person. Horrible... 

After all this.... I blocked him... I deleted him... I dropped it all and tried walking away. And... Still. He finds a way. And... 

This hurts. I'm tired and just.... I'm tired of hurting. Why couldn't he just stay gone? 

9-19-14

Idk what to do... :'(

Okay... So... I was being emotional one day and told Bryan that I really regret having my tubes tied.

Because I want another baby. And he told me that since my tubes are tied that if need to find out IF it could be reversed before that discussion could be had. Then I told Sheryl that bry and I had sort of talked about it and she got mopey. She said that she would feel... (I can't remember the word she used) like... Useless... Or.. Something like that. Basically... Sad. (I think). So we had the half assed discussion with all three present and she got upset that we "talked about it" without her. I let her know that it wasn't discussed. Because idk if it can even be reversed so there was no real discussion. I let her know that it wasn't discussed. Because idk if it can even be reversed so there was no real discussion. Well.. I got off the phone and told Sheryl that the dr is gonna look to see if it can be reversed.. This will cause the need for another three way conversation.. 

If it can't be reversed.. We would need to discuss if we are all three okay with me saving up or trying IVF... 

If it CAN be reversed... We all three need to discuss how everyone feels about this and see if we can come to an agreement that works for everyone involving the possibility of reversal. 

And now I don't know what to do. :( 

But if I have one.... I'm scared she'll ..... Like.... Hate me. And what if it can't even be undone. ..? 

I'll be crushed and probably just give up. I.... I just want her support in this. But she's made it clear she won't. I feel... 

Should I just squash that dream? 

Or let the dr look and risk the choices of

A.) disappointing myself finding out it can't be undone. 

B.) making her upset if it can be and she doesn't want to support...  

C.) find out it can be undone and then deciding not to, to make her happy, and in turn, making myself unhappy. 

Am I wrong? I mean.... For continuing to research even though I know she doesn't want any more? :(

:(

I'm just afraid I'm gonna make the wrong choice and hurt her. 

I just don't want anyone to get hurt. None of the three. :(c

9-18-14

·        Thursday

9/18, 8:21am CuAnam Policar

I love you two too .. BOTH of you walked out with saying even bye -.-

9/18, 8:22am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You hurt my feelings.

I'm in pain too. I'm tired too

I realize yours is bad. I'm not upset about that.

But snapping at us wasn't necessary.

I tried keeping her out

9/18, 8:23am CuAnam Policar

you hurt mine with that "what do you want me to do" shit when 1) I wasn't talking to you I was answering Bry's question and 2) I never said "Bridgette you need to do something about this"

9/18, 8:23am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I do love you. But this snapping daily things has to stop. It hurts.

9/18, 8:23am CuAnam Policar

so does you and him ignoring me when you're here.. you snapped at me day before yesterday too walked out the house slamming doors and everything but it's okay for YOU and HIM to snap?

but I do it and I'm the bad one?

fine.. I just won't talk anymore

9/18, 8:24am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I never said you did. But a persons normal reaction when being screamed at for something... Like you were.... Is to assume you're upset that it happened and I need to stop that from happening.

But I've tried.

9/18, 8:24am CuAnam Policar

then neither of you wil have to worry about me snapping when I wasn't this morning to begin with until HE snapped at me ACCUSING me of snapping when I hadn't even SPOKEN YET

he said "Why are you up? there was no yelling or anything" So I did what I do EVERY TIME I get woken up you know the shit that usually makes you BOTH laugh.. and he fucking YELLED at me and asked me why I had an atittude when I hadn't even said 2 fucking words yet

so he got the attitude he accused me of

9/18, 8:28am Bridgette Ann Bandell

The other day. I didn't snap. I got aggravated.. Interrupted... And then you rolled your eyes at me after blowing off everything I said and then instead of repeating myself I just decided to drop it and go to walmart. Because it doesn't feel like you listen when I talk about things because you're always interrupting me.

9/18, 8:29am CuAnam Policar

but like I said it's good for YOU TWO to snap at me I don't even HAVE to do aNYTHING and get fucking accused of of having attitude.. YOU interupt me too.. so does he.. but it's okay for you two to do the shit I don't anything you two don't do yet I'm the ONLY one ever fucking ostrocized for it

9/18, 8:30am CuAnam Policar

HE snapped at me first NO fucknig reason I hadn't even SAID anything yet

but you didn't say "Bry why are snapping at her?"

Nope you didn't say a fucking word until I gave him the attitude he snapped at me accusing me of having then it was to snap at me for giving his attitude back to him

9/18, 8:31am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I don't ignore you when I'm there by the way. The past couple days I've been busting my ass to do homework. I got two hours of sleep night before last. Then that impromptu nap. And last night I may have gotten three hours of sleep. But I'm not snapping at anyone. Not talking in tones that come across angry and loud. . All I heard was "why are you awake" calmly asked you. And then you started talking loudly and "screaming" about eryn.

9/18, 8:33am CuAnam Policar

that's YOUR fault you're behind on homework because you weren't doing it when you were supposed to that's not anyone else's fault all them fucking nights we were up watching 4-5 episodes of Shameless you could have been your homework.. YOU don't see it I DO my attitude reflects what's tossed at me.. you don't like how I'm talking listen to how YOU are

9/18, 8:33am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And I've told everyone in that house that interrupting me is one of my biggest pet peeves. When I tried talking to you that one night.... You wouldn't let me finish a thought to save my life.

But... If I get interrupted I say something and ask it stopped.

And I expect the same when I interrupt someone.

9/18, 8:33am CuAnam Policar

I didn't talk at all when he asked me why I was awake I put my face an inch from his and stared at him like I always do when you two ask me why I'm up

then he said "why do you have an attitude" I hadn't even fucking spoken but I had an attitude

9/18, 8:34am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And I never.... Ever blamed anyone else but me on my homework...

9/18, 8:34am CuAnam Policar

so I gave him the atttitude he already accused me of having

nice to know I don't even have to talk to have an attitude

9/18, 8:34am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Putting your face inches away from I someone is rude. And comes across as attitudinal.

9/18, 8:35am CuAnam Policar

yeah it is when Eryn does it too

9/18, 8:35am Bridgette Ann Bandell

When you could have calmly said "eryn staring at me again."

9/18, 8:35am CuAnam Policar

yet AGAIN no one said shit to her for doing it

9/18, 8:35am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Bullshit

I've had talks with her.

You've yelled at her.

Bry has asked her not to

9/18, 8:35am CuAnam Policar

I was standing there and not one of you said "Eryn why were staring at sheryl when she was asleep?"

you both focused on this attitude that HE created.. and ignored the fact that that girl wouldn't know a fucking boundary if it slapped her in the fucking face

9/18, 8:39am CuAnam Policar

you've NEVER spoken to Eryn about her doing this shit but you KNOW it irks the fucks out of me.. but not once when I've TOLD you she does the shit have you spoken to her when she's done it.. so don't tell me "I've talked to her" when? HOURS after the fact when she doesn't remember doing it? but like I said.. whatever my attitude today is your guys' fault.. you created it since I snapped and an attitude before I even spoke

9/18, 8:39am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Neither does Taea or Micah.

But

9/18, 8:40am CuAnam Policar

Micah's two and I tell him not to the shit he does wrong when he does it.. Taea I yell at EVERYTIME she fucks up

or ground her ass to her fucking room

I tried the discipline thing with Eryn she doesn't like me nor does she see me as anything but "Taea's mom" so I gave up.. you and Bry need to handle her discipline cause she just ignores me when I try

9/18, 8:43am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Eryn gets spanked. Damn near beaten by me at times I feel...

Grounded. Has things taken away. And it doesn't work... She's not normal.. I keep telling you this and you blow me off...

Your mental issues are real. Mine are real. Taea's are real. But eryns are pretend and I'm babying her.

9/18, 8:43am CuAnam Policar

I HAVE tried talking to her about the staring at me shit she doesn't care what the fuck I say... She'll just glare at me when I mention it.. I'm honestly starting to believe she does the shit on purpose cause she knows she won't get in trouble for it

9/18, 8:43am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Did you know that toe walking is a HUGE sign of autism??

9/18, 8:43am CuAnam Policar

do you know ALL kids toe-walk?

9/18, 8:45am CuAnam Policar

and even if Micah's autistic it's not a big deal.. according to you Eryn's been EXACTLY how is her ENTIRE life.. Micah's a fucking SAINT compared to how Taea was at his age.. sorta.. she didn't get bad bad until she turned 4 but by then the people we were with her beating her and blaming everything their kid on her so she stopped being good all together...

9/18, 8:47am CuAnam Policar

and he doesn't toe-walk all the time btw.. he does it a lot but not all the time.. I've talked to his dr about it since he started walking but just like his pooing issue she brushed it off

but like I said whatever.. I'm the bad guy I do ALL the wrong.. all attitudes I have are for absolutely no reason.. whatever. I'm done with this convo.. I have shit to do

9/18, 9:01am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And Micah does it. And apparently you say Taea did too.

All kids toe walk. Yes. But not after 2

Not at almost 3

Most... Not all... But most... Of the things eryn does.. Are compulsive.

9/18, 9:01am CuAnam Policar

Andrew did it till he was almost 4

Taea did it till around then too

I couldn't even walk properly till I was 5

and no adhd is NOT on the autism spectrum I asked the child psychologist where Annie is

9/18, 9:07am CuAnam Policar

you know two are fucking HILARIOUS.. whether or not you have or not.. you CAN do something about your sexual frustration.. I can't but you guys don't even take that into consideration.. not the fact that it's been four fucking months since I've had sex because of this bleeding shit.. not that this cyst which has never bothered me is now doing nothing but hurting me.. not that I have 2 surgeries within a 30 day period.. should I seriously be fucking sunshine and flowers? well sorry I can't be any more than you two can.. but it's okay.. to make sure I don't give you two attitudes I apparently can't control.. I'll just avoid you both.. you focus on your homework.. I'll handle WPP and what I need done.. and we'll revisit my atittude when I'm not bleeding to death anymore

9/18, 9:08am Bridgette Ann Bandell

See... There you go again.

9/18, 9:09am CuAnam Policar

look I don't know what the fuck else to do

no matter WHAT I do you and him claim I have an attitude when I don't

so I'm making it simple

I'm going to avoid you both until I'm not bleeding to death.. until this fucking cyst is gone and not feeling like a fucking ball in my hip joint.. and when I'm better

9/18, 9:11am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Am I sexually frustrated? The previously nearly clinically diagnosed nympho that used to have sex 9-10 times a day in between masturbating.. I've been trying everything I can to make your shit easier.. Everything. The reason Bryan and I haven't done anything is because we are being considerate of you..

9/18, 9:12am Bridgette Ann Bandell

He and I discussed it... And out of consideration of you... We haven't.

9/18, 9:12am CuAnam Policar

no you aren't because YOU have attitudes you two apparently don't fucking SEE

I'd rather you two fucking fuck like rabbits than keep blaming every god damn fucking attitude on ME like you two are fucking saints

neither of you see how you fucking talk to me

neither of you see how you've been treating me

and I haven't said SHIT because I'm not stupid and I understand.. so I let the shit go

but I don't even say a fucking WORD and get snapped at and accused of having an attitude and snapping

9/18, 9:14am Bridgette Ann Bandell

My attitude... Has nothing to do with sex... My attitude has everything to do with the fact that I don't feel like I'm contributing, like I'm using you guys, like eryn can't do anything right, and that I've been on a couch for a WEEK. you don't say goodnight anymore. You don't say I love you FIRST anymore. You sit in your bubble and ignore everything it feels like...

You were supposed to be off on Sundays... Two Sundays in a row and you decided that it wasn't important to spend family time.. That you just HAD to do computer from waking till sleeping.. And that hurts Sheryl.. A lot.

9/18, 9:15am CuAnam Policar

are YOU going to post the teasers?

hell you don't even fucking MAKE them on tiem

but I'm supposed to rely on you to post them?

9/18, 9:15am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You didn't have teasers this week because I was too sick to breathe!

You're sick.... I get it... But you can still smoke.

9/18, 9:16am CuAnam Policar

I'm sorry if I don't want to sit around watching fucking movies

I DON"T LIKE MOVIES

it's not like you two don't do this shit

9/18, 9:16am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Everytime I try it hurts. My lungs seize.

9/18, 9:16am CuAnam Policar

I don't like sitting around doing nothing

it's not YOU tell me you love me anymore either

but you tell HIM you do EVERY fucking chance you get

9/18, 9:17am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Then we could have gone out and gone hiking before we had the diagnosis.

Or played games maybe.. Or some crafts with the kids... Anything but blocking us all out for role playing... Which is what you do...

You have no problems flirting with Jenny  and shit... But you don't flirt with me anymore...

9/18, 9:17am CuAnam Policar

wWE HAVE NO GAMES LEFT

my asshole seven yr old lost half the pieces to every game we own

I flirt with everyone.. you don't even really talk to me on here and I'm not good flirting in person x.X

9/18, 9:18am Bridgette Ann Bandell

See what you don't realize is... Light flirting is okay with me... But I'm a VERY jealous person. And the flirting you do bothers me. It makes me jealous.

But do I bother telling you? No. Because you'll defend it and blow me off.

9/18, 9:19am CuAnam Policar

YOU flirt too

9/18, 9:19am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Whenever I try talking to you, I have to repeat myself because you weren't listening.

9/18, 9:19am CuAnam Policar

      you sat here for two fucking months telling Bill you love him on the phone and shit

9/18, 9:19am Bridgette Ann Bandell

No... I bat my eyelashes and make comments. And I was trying to get money to help out around the house… we needed things..

9/18, 9:19am CuAnam Policar

don't try to use MY flirting as a weapon when you're telling EXES you fucking love them Bridgette

9/18, 9:19am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And I was only doing that to try and get shit..

I'm not using it as a weapon.

I don't expect you to change. You don't see anything wrong with it.

9/18, 9:20am CuAnam Policar

that's the same excuse with the flirting you do with william too right?

9/18, 9:20am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You knew I was lying to bill.

With William I "blush"

That's about it.

9/18, 9:20am CuAnam Policar

damn right I don't you had no problem with me doing it when you met me you shouldn't have a problem with me doing it now

it's not like it means any fucking thing I flirt with EVERYONE on here I always have

9/18, 9:21am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I had no problem with you flirting with me.

Flirting has a fine line.

9/18, 9:21am CuAnam Policar

my flirting with Jenny never goes beyond the occasional nibble LOL

9/18, 9:22am Bridgette Ann Bandell

That’s not the only person you do it with… She's just the only one who's name I know.

9/18, 9:22am CuAnam Policar

it's never gone beyond that LOL with anyone really

cept Raven I'll occasionally -molest- him out of boredom or when he's upset and he needs to not be

9/18, 9:22am Bridgette Ann Bandell

The role playing hurts me too. Ya know.

9/18, 9:23am CuAnam Policar

well your SOL on that

I've been RP since I was 19

9/18, 9:23am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I can't get you to cuddle me. But you'll cyber fuck four people.

That hurts

9/18, 9:23am CuAnam Policar

I don't cuddle -.-

9/18, 9:23am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Bulls***

9/18, 9:23am CuAnam Policar

and I don't play girl characters

9/18, 9:23am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You have

So?

9/18, 9:23am CuAnam Policar

yeah when I wasn't bleeding to death

9/18, 9:23am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You've cuddled me.

9/18, 9:24am CuAnam Policar

it's kinda hard to do much of any fucking thing when all the fuck I do is bleed every god damn where -.-

9/18, 9:24am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And the fact that you're a male "character" makes no difference.

I'm not saying have sex. Because that's a chore. Even before the bleeding.. It was a chore. You acted like you didn't really wanna.

I'm saying sit next to me and hold my hand.

Give me a hug for no reason.

I stopped because I was sick and didn't want you sick.. So I tried keeping my distance.

But you're sick anyways and now you're always angry.

9/18, 9:25am CuAnam Policar

you're just as guilty of the lack of affection shit as I am

but AGAIN I'm the bad guy

everything my fucking fault

I get it

9/18, 9:26am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I stopped when it felt unwanted.

Then I got sick

9/18, 9:27am CuAnam Policar

bullshit cause the ONLY I had a problem with was you trying to molest me out where the kids can see

which no matter how many times I said anything you ignored that it made me uncomfortable

9/18, 9:28am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You didn't act any different while the kids were asleep then you didn't while they were up.

9/18, 9:29am CuAnam Policar

that isn't true.. but like I said fine EVERYTHING'S my fault

I told you I get it

9/18, 9:29am Bridgette Ann Bandell

No

See

9/18, 9:29am CuAnam Policar

no see scroll up and fucking read Bridgette

9/18, 9:29am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I've been trying to ignore a lot of this.

9/18, 9:29am CuAnam Policar

every fucking thing is my fault

I get it

I'm a horrible person.. I don't need to be in relationships fine whatever

9/18, 9:30am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I'm sorry I came here and made your life harder.

I love you

9/18, 9:30am CuAnam Policar

I love you too.. I'm just done being the root of all evil to you two

9/18, 9:32am Bridgette Ann Bandell

That's not how it is...

I feel like I'm not getting anywhere.

Didn't worry about it. I'll just file it

9/18, 9:34am CuAnam Policar

read what you've been saying you and him have done "no" wrong everything's my fault

9/18, 9:36am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I'm not trying to place blame on anything.

9/18, 9:38am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I'm trying my damnedest to tell you things that are hurting me. And getting ignored. It doesn't need to be a fight.

I just want someone to pay attention and listen and understand and just... Just... *shrugs* I don't know... Be willing to try... Willing to work together and try...

9/18, 9:40am Bridgette Ann Bandell

But it involves change.

Both... All three of us being willing to change some...

And it'll never happen. It'll just be a huge fight.

9/18, 9:42am CuAnam Policar

and I have been.. but placing everything on my shoulders is shitty.. yes I RP you knew this before you got with me.. Bry used to too until he started playing DAoC.. I'm not going to change that just because while you didn't have a problem with it before you got here you now you do

9/18, 9:42am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I did actually

It just didn't affect me like this much

When I wasn't here.

Plus

I didn't know you did it all day

I thought it was only at night

9/18, 9:44am CuAnam Policar

well you need to understand it's something I do to vent.. to think.. to be creative... and it IS only at night I don't RP till between 5-6 at night.. sometimes later it depends when people log on and it's not all sex LOL there's actual story line to it since it follows my books

9/18, 9:49am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You pay attention to them... You're always typing on AIM. Always talking to everyone else...

9/18, 9:50am Bridgette Ann Bandell

Before I and out here you used to message me randomly and say I love you.

I realize you're working... And that turning around to talk distracts you..

But simple things make my day... A message that says I love you.

A kiss on the head. Touching my shoulder. Running fingers in my hair... Tiny minuscule things.

9/18, 9:50am Bridgette Ann Bandell

You used to do them…

9/18, 9:51am CuAnam Policar

is it my fault you put headphones in? I DO talk to you ask Bry but I never realize you don't hear me cause you have headphones in

so I toss pennies to get your attention which you bitch about that too so I stopped doing it unless it was something important I needed to tell you

9/18, 9:53am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I put in headphones when it's schoolwork.

Because it's important

9/18, 9:53am CuAnam Policar

you do it for WPP work and everything else too

you've been doing it since before you went back to online school

9/18, 9:53am Bridgette Ann Bandell

And this speaker stuff drives me nuts cause I have to turn it way up cause I'm 3/4 deaf.

I do the headphones whenever I need to concentrate hard on something.

9/18, 9:54am CuAnam Policar

which is ALL the time Bridgette

99% of the time you're at your PC which is for just as long if not longer than I'm at mine you have headphones in

9/18, 9:55am Bridgette Ann Bandell

I've backed off a lot.

And I use headphones because whenever I don’t there’s too much distraction and I can’t concentrate…

I've stopped and set time limits.

I've tried. I'm trying.

Later that day……..

9/18, 3:28pm Bridgette Ann Bandell

I sayyyyed... I loves youuu

9/18, 3:30pm CuAnam Policar

I love you too I didn't hear you honest to god I didn't even know you left yet

9/18, 3:36pm Bridgette Ann Bandell

Lol you were looking right at me. Lol

9/18, 3:39pm CuAnam Policar

that doesn't mean I heard anything my ears are ringy and stuffed it's why I keep asking what when people speak I honestly can't hear shit

9/18, 8:13pm Bridgette Ann Bandell

Without having any information about my tubes. How do you feel about having another baby.

I worded it that way because we are all three in this together. So if I have a baby, it's yours, mine, and Bry's...

9/18, 8:26pm CuAnam Policar

I honestly don't want any kids the ones we have drive me fucking batty

but it's not my decision to make

9/18, 8:26pm Bridgette Ann Bandell

It's partly yours to make. Partly mine. And partly Bry's.

9/18, 8:26pm CuAnam Policar

and I don't want a vote or you and him not to do it because I don't want it my opinion really doesn't count we've been through this

9/18, 8:27pm Bridgette Ann Bandell

I feel it does…

Seen 8:28pm