5-12-12

Dylan is going to be 7 tomorrow... 

It's also Mother's Day.... but my mom won't let me see him :( 

It's just not fair....

But I do have good news....

 I have a job!!! 

I start Monday (day after tomorrow)

I have no way TO... or FROM work... and I also need to move Eryn into a different Daycare... 

I have 36 hours approximately, to get all this figured out.

Wish me luck. I'm in this alone... or at least it feels like I am... But I'm hoping that something works out.. soon. 

I need a break. 

Love
Always

Birdie Lou'

5-3-12

Hey... So I'm torn now...

Rob and I have decided.... well, mostly Rob....
that we are going to take things slow. I'm going to get a place just for me and Eryn and let the chips fall where they may... See and visit the kids and get to know them better and see where things go... Problem is....

I let someone in.... past my wall... Problem is... he'll be leaving soon.. He's got a whole life out in Indiana. and I'm not going to try to force anyone to stay in my life and Eryn's life that doesn't want to be here. I'll just hurt... like always... it's whatever... I'll live..

I'm going to try and sleep.... night :) 

Love, 
Always, 

Birdie Lou'

4-25-12

Rob and I went on a date!! 
We went to Mr Hero's.... not big or fancy.... 

but then again... I'm NOT big and fancy.. lol

he remembered exactly what I liked and everything!! ^_^

I'm going to go lay down and get rest... goodnight


Love
Always,
Birdie Lou' 

4-23-12

Here I go... 

I leave this hotel today.... In 12 Hours I'll be at Family Promise! I will be doing everything in my power to prove my love to my family. I will stop at nothing to prove my love. I need them. I miss my family. Rob keeps telling me he loves me. Everytime I read it, my heart skips a beat. I love him...  am so freaking IN LOVE with him... I am going to do this.. I am going to give him the power to destroy me.. inside and out.. and I am going to trust him not to. 

I am going to bed.. I wish he was here...

Love, 
Always, 
Birdie Lou' 

4-22-12

Okay, so I meant to write last night... I really did... but I ended up talking to my friend Angelique until I literally fell asleep on the phone.. Yesterday, Rob texted me and told me that Tracy is still looking for me. I wish she would just leave me alone. I love my kids. I know I fucked up in the past, but I'm trying to fix it now. 
Plus...
Technically...
it's really none of her business. I realize she has been their mommy for almost 4 years... but seriously? She needs to be an adult. 

I was told today that Ace has a new email adress... 

fubridgette@gmail.com

I mean...really??? Grow up man! I am so glad that I am done playing his games. From now on, the people I have in my life are going to be there by choice... not force... Only positive people, and only people who support me loving my children. I grew up... It's time to get rid of those who haven't. I have one more thing for Ace though....

NO MORE HARM

By the powers of three

I bind thee Ace

from harm upon others

and harm upon me

By the powers of three

I bind thee Ace

from harm upon others

and harm upon me

By the powers of three

I bind thee Ace

from harm upon others

and harm upon me

Blessed Be and Solemn Speak

and.....

Now it's time for lunch! Man I can't wiat to get all this situated... 

1. Family Promise
2. Eryn Childcare
3. Job
4. Place to live minimum 3bdrm
5. Pray he's as true as I am
6. vehicle & license

All in that order....

My 30 day goal is number 1-4.. and it starts tomorrow...

I won't give up

Ever..!! 

Love

Always

Birdie Lou'

4-21-12

Hey...

Sooooo......

I am so freaking nervous... I sure hope Rob is okay...




(fell asleep typing)

4-21-12

Okay... 

My heart is officially racing!

I just got a text from Rob... 

Tracy is looking for me... He is hiding me well. But if she comes here I'll call the cops. Nothing will stop me from succeeding. Nobody can stop my love for my family. Dylan, Elizabeth, Anthony, Eryn and Asa... mommy loves you all. She won't ever stop. I will prove it to you one day., I'll never give up.

Love,
ALways, Birdie Lou'

4-21-12

Alrighty,

Well... I went to Family Promise today. Moving in Monday. After that I'm going to do everything I can to get childcare and then a job. after that, save up for a 3bdrm apt and then taking the biggest leap of faith ever.. I am going to ask Robert to move in with me.,
He and the kids... I will stop at nothing to show my family my love for them. Everything in me is scared to death. But I am going to open my eyes, give my heart to my children, and pray that Robert climbs my walls to show love to my heart. 


Love, 
Always, 
Birdie Lou'

4-21-12

HE SAID HE LOVES ME! 

I might not have lost my family after all! 

I was talking to Candi and I realized Rob was crying... 

I hung up on my sister and rushed over to him.. 

He told me the truth, that he doesn't really love Tracy, and that he still loves me.  I let him know that I want HIM to be happy. I made him give me his word that whichever path he chooses, that it'll be for HIM not me... not the kids... not Tracy... HIM ... his happiness alone.... He says that he wants me back... I am excited , nervous, scared.... I really miss him... and I don't want to mess up my being able to see my kids.. I really miss my kids. I don't want to ruin the chance to be in their lives. But also... I want my family that we... Rob and I planned.... I guess only time will tell. 

I am still planning on going to Family Promise (shelter)... getting a job... and a place to live.
But I will not give up on my family. My entire existence now is based on me following this plan... 

1. my kids
2. my love(Robert)
3. myself

I will do everything I can to make them happy and proud of me. Time for bed.. 

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

P.S. I'm thinking about going back to church! 

4-20-12

OMG... omg omg omg....

He's on his way over here... I am so nervous... is this normal? Is seeing him going to hurt? Will the pain be unbearable? 

I wish this was easier... 

I am glad he's willing to still be friends. 

Tracy had better realize what he's worth. She needs to start being grateful that he's with her. She must be really special inside and out to get an amazing guy like Robert to love her so much. 

**Wishes them happiness**

Well... He'll be here soon... I hope that I don't do something to upset him.

Wish me luck...


Love, 
Always,

Birdie Lou'

4-20-12

Well, 

Broken, bruised, torn, and alone... Here I am... 

I decided to come back to Ohio, and ended up realizing that I may have waited too long to wake up to reality. I may have lost my only chances of having my family back. 

Rob already told me he is going to choose Tracy.

He said he won't take the kids away.. so there's that silver lining! 

I just pray that she treats him the way he deserves to be treated. Robert is an amazing man and a great father and deserves an equally amazing woman. He should be happy. So, all in all... I hope they are happy together. 

I will miss him and always love him... and a part of me will always be IN LOVE with him... 

But I will accept him being happy in any way he needs. 

I'm going to go for a walk and think... 

Love, 

Birdie Lou'

3-20-12

I have to stop writing for a while. Ace has started snooping and I don't want him to find this... I will come back again when it is safe... 


Birdie Lou'

3-17-12

Anthony is 4 today... I wonder if he knows his ABCs yet. I wonder so much and so so many things... Does he have a favorite color? 
What's his favorite food?
Does he have my blue eyes or Robert's brown eyes?
How Big is he?
How big are his hands compared to mine?
What's his favorite cartoon?
Does he even watch cartoons?
Does he know how to ride a bike?
Would he know my voice?
Do he and Elizabeth fight?
How tall is he?
What color is his hair?

I hope his birthday is amazing. 

I love you Anthony... Mommy loves you... I'm so sorry I failed.. 

Love,
Always,
Birdie Lou'

3-17-12

Well, 

I have decided that I have had enough. Ace is manipulative and hurts me emotionally. I also miss my other kids. Asa and Eryn are amazing kids and I love every moment with them... But I still miss Elizabeth and Anthony and Dylan. I think I am going to tell Ace that I want to go back to Ohio. I can't live without my children... ALL Of them... 

I'll write more next time...

Love,
Always, 

Birdie Lou'