Friday, August 3, 2018

8-3-18

10 Common MYTHS About Bipolar Disorder


1.) It’s all in my head.

   --I’m not looking for an excuse to explain my erratic behavior and racing thoughts on. This isn’t even something I wanted. I was told I have it and tried to deny it and prove them wrong only to be proven wrong myself and proving them right anyways...
2.) Bipolar disorder is another name for people with “mood swings”  --I wish it was that easy... but no, it’s not even close. The mood swings are more severe, longer lasting, and they impact my ability to continually care for basic needs such as holding a job or showering daily.

3.) People with BiPolar disorder are all creative geniuses.  --Not..true.. some of us are. some of us aren’t. My manic episodes start off as me thinking I’m going to do this big amazing thing and then starting it only to get about halfway through it and lose focus or drive and then I’m so tired I can’t even think of anything but that I want to finish what I started but I’m so tired that I can’t and so I don’t... I don’t NOT do it because I won’t want to.. I don’t because I physically can’t talk my arms into moving, or I can’t get my legs to go to the spot or get in the shower and then I have to tell myself how horrible I am because I can’t even do this simple basic necessity...
4.) People with BiPolar switch back and forth from mania to depression all the time, or are ill all of the time.   --Nope. In fact, my manic episodes can last for up to a week and go away with no warning... or I can go weeks or even months appearing and BEING fully functioning without a symptom and then all of a sudden.... bam... I’m so down that I can’t figure out what day of the week it is. 
5.) People with BiPolar feel great and happy when they’re manic.  --For some people, the mania is a feel good thing. It can FEEL like a happy UP time.. because you’re manic. But this is not a one size fits all diagnosis for a one size fits all disease. This is something that is different for each person. It’s easy to feel euphoric during a manic cycle for some, but for others it can be chaotic and mixed. I have been manic AND depressed at the same time. I have to get up and do something but I’m so depressed that I don’t see why I’m alive so I have to find things to fill the void. So I become hyper sexual or take unnecessary risks and purchase things I can’t and shouldn’t buy or afford because all I can see is the right now and the here and now are all I can focus on. But then when I come down, it’s like the depression or mood stayed the same, but the energy and drive went away so I’m down down down all over again but worse than a normal day. Some peoples’ mania can be explosive anger or abusive outbursts. Others can be one panic attack into another and another into another and you become so paranoid that the people across the street walking their dog must be watching you because they stopped for more than a second and what kind of person does that(going a million miles a second through your head) or insomnia for days on end... it’s not pretty or fun.
6.) Recovery isn’t possible.   --This is not true.. With the correct treatment plan and help and sometimes, yes,.. even medication regimen.. BiPolar is manageable and can be lived with in a healthy way. You can have months and months where you’re symptom free not because you aren’t BiPolar... but because your treatment and mind over matter are stronger than your diagnosis and you are handling it in a healthy way. Comprehensive care is key. This means counseling, therapy, medication, diet and lifestyle changes and even sometimes, a change in who you hang out with. Some people aren’t good for your mental health and need to be cut free. If they aren’y helping your healthy changes, then they need to be let go. Getting enough sunlight, getting regular exercise, eating better, taking our meds daily and even though this may seem easy for those without BiPolar, it’s hard for us who have it. Some days I’m great. diet...check, take my meds...check, went for my walk...check, made sure I got sleep...check, kept record of my foods and didn’t skip breakfast...check. But others, this is impossible to where I’ll get 4 days in and realize I haven’t slept and don’t remember the last time I ate was and if I took my meds last night. Recovery is possible, but it is an every..single..day..hard..mindful..lifetime exercise. 
7.) Manic Depression is different from BiPolar Disorder  --Wrong.. It’s the exact same thing but with a new name because they learned more things about BiPolar and decided that simply calling it Manic Depression wasn’t enough. There are many types of BiPolar disorder and Manic Depression is just a blanket term used before the psychologists truly understood BiPolar or knew there were different types... 
8.) Once BiPolar is under control, we don’t need to take medications anymore.  --This, as outlined in number 6 above, is wrong as well.. BiPolar episodes can last for days, weeks, months, or even years in some. So to say that we are better now and don’t need meds is wrong. The reason we are better is because of our meds and if we stop taking them, the bad stuff comes rushing back and most times at a lightning speed never before witnessed and we become worse and worse each time. Many people believe they only need to take their meds on bad days and this is not true. In order to have continuous good days we need to continually take our meds to balance out our brain’s neurons and keep everything level. It would be amazing if we never had to take our meds again once we were better.. but the truth is, it’ll never be better.. it’s just how managed your BiPolar is with medication(s). Rising cost of meds, the medication roulette our doctors put us through trying to find the right medication or mixture of medications it’s going to take to regulate our moods and the chemicals in our brains. The constantly changing side effects and regulating to new meds if your body adapts to the medication.. it’s tiring,. it really is... but if we were to stop taking the meds once we thought we were better... we would relapse and like any other disease, would have to reap some pretty horrible consequences. 
9.) Children can’t have BiPolar OR You can’t be diagnosed until you’re 18 years old.  --While it’s hard to tell the difference between BiPolar symptoms and age appropriate mood swings as well as hard to diagnose, but children as young as 6 yrs old have been diagnosed. You just have to look harder and examine a lot more in depth because an improper diagnosis can cause harm if you improperly medicate an adolescent for BiPolar, but it IS possible and is DOES happen. 
and finally... 
10.) There’s a test for BiPolar.  --No, there’s not... there are symptoms displayed and when a professional is vigilant in seeing the symptoms for what they are, they can all be put together to show BiPolar and it MUST be diagnosed by a professional.

Being BiPolar is not a fun thing to walk around telling people that you are or laughing off and joking around about.... It is a real, sometimes painful thing that a lot of people suffer from daily. 

Thursday, August 2, 2018

8-2-18



Someone asked me something today that got me thinking... She asked "How are you so fat if you're eating healthy and exercising?"I answered back with a simple thing about how I wasn't always eating healthy and I wasn't taught portion sizes properly and that I'm just now getting into it and I have a long road ahead of me.
She accepted this answer and walked away. but then I got to thinking...
I can and should be doing more for myself. Sure I'm changing my foods and exercising more, but I'm not doing as much as I could be doing for myself or my kids.
I could go out running in the mornings. I could be doing jumping jacks in the living room or using my PiYo discs I OWN or my TaeBo disc I own! but no, I do the bare minimum and then complain when I yoyo my weight around.
Well, I've decided that the only way to become a runner,, is to RUN! and the only way to lose weight is to move faster so it can't catch up with me.
So I'm going to be making a lot of life changes here soon and if you don't like them, fuck you. Some of these changes are for me, some are for my kids, some are just because I fucking feel like it. But all of them will make me a better person in one way or another.xx

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

7-31-18

Parfois j'arrive à penser que je devrais vraiment faire mes devoirs, alors qu'il est tôt ... tu sais? Mais ensuite je me rends compte que je ne peux pas parce que j'ai des tâches ménagères à faire ou à cuisiner, donc je vais commencer à nettoyer et ensuite décider où commencer ... Je commence généralement par les plats parce qu'ils semblent plus simples et moins longs consommer, mais ensuite je me rends compte que j'ai 6 bols blancs, mais seulement 4 sont dans l'évier, donc je dois chasser les 2 autres, parce que ... Je dois .. Alors je sors pour voir si je peux trouver l'autre 2 bols, non? Eh bien, sur le chemin je trouve une chaussette sale, ce qui m'agace parce que je jure que j'ai dit à mon enfant de ramasser ça ... mais peu importe, je le ramasse parce que ça doit être fait. Puis je me rends compte qu'il y a une serviette sur la chaise et une chemise sur la table, et je sais que je me demande s'il y a du linge sale dans la maison, peut-être que je peux commencer une lessive ... c'est joli simple droit? Eh bien, alors je vais à la recherche de linge pour voir la chambre de ma fille est un gâchis horrible, alors je commence à le ramasser parce que c'est plus facile que de discuter avec elle de le ramasser elle-même. Je trouve là-dedans une télécommande qui ne lui appartient pas et qui va l'emmener à l'endroit où elle appartient et tomber sur une bouteille de shampoing dans le couloir que je voulais mettre dans l'armoire il y a quelques jours mais que j'ai oublié la bouteille de shampoing car je dois faire pipi et aller dans la salle de bain pour faire ça. Pendant ce temps, j'ai encore des vêtements dans les mains que j'ai rassemblés et je ne range pas le shampoing, mais pendant que je suis dans la salle de bain, je me rends compte que les toilettes ont besoin d'un gommage. Eh bien, ça ne prendra pas trop de temps, je vais juste le frotter très vite. Oh, et la baignoire et le lavabo aussi ... parce que je suis là ... alors pourquoi pas ... non? Ensuite, je vais balayer ou éponger et réaliser que le balai est en haut mais la pelle est en bas. Pas de problème, je me dis ... Je vais tout balayer et ensuite quand je vais faire la lessive, je vais remonter et balayer la pile dans la pelle à poussière et en finir avec. Mais alors je repèrerai une cuillère dans la chambre de ma fille et j'irai là-bas et LA BLANCHISSERIE! y en a partout! Donc, je commence à ramasser le désordre, décider ce qui est sale et propre est presque impossible, mais je le fais et trouve une poche de jus et un BOL BLANC! Eh bien ... je me sens accompli! J'ai trouvé le bol blanc! attends ... qu'est-ce que je faisais? Oh oui. la lessive ... dois mettre une charge dans la lessive ... finir de ranger les saloperies des garçons et balayer et ramasser les jouets et faire les lits et puis je bouge pour descendre et me rendre compte qu'il y a de la merde sur le mur ... oui ... merde .... Donc, je dois nettoyer cela parce que GROSS! alors je frotte et je me fais mal et je vais me laver les mains dans la salle de bain ... Je vois que je ne me suis jamais souvenu de rincer la baignoire et de trébucher sur la poubelle que j'ai balayée .. Alors maintenant je dois la ramasser et essayez d'utiliser mes mains comme une pelle, mais cela ne fonctionne pas bien, alors je reviens à mon plan d'origine et décide de revenir avec une pelle à poussière. Descends pour réaliser que j'ai laissé les vêtements à l'étage que j'allais laver, mais j'ai le bol! Donc, je décide de laver les plats que je peux trouver et de trouver le bol plus tard, mais le téléphone sonne et je ne peux pas laver la vaisselle et parler car l'eau est trop forte et je m'inquiète constamment de laisser tomber mon téléphone dans l'évier . Donc, je me promène dans la maison pendant un moment au téléphone pour parler à l'appelant. Quand l'appel est fait, je me rends compte que j'ai déjà 3 ans et que je n'ai rien sorti pour le dîner! Ensuite, je vais au congélateur pour trouver quelque chose pour le repas et je me rends compte que l'intérieur du réfrigérateur et du congélateur est dégoûtant et qu'il renifle quand il expire. Oh non ... le temps de nettoyer ça ... maintenant ... une heure plus tard, tout est sorti du frigo, le frigo est à moitié nettoyé, mes enfants sont à la maison et demandent ce qu'il y a à dîner, je leur dis de faire leurs devoirs et je leur displus tard. Je continue à nettoyer le frigo et finalement, autour de 5 c'est fait.Méticuleusement et dans le meilleur ordre et les condiments à gauche ont été lavés et remis en place et disposés de sorte qu'ils vont tous à leur place et les vieilles choses sont dans la poubelle, mais la poubelle est pleine, donc je décide que je devrais changer le sac poubelle et mon mari marche dans la porte ... regarde autour de lui et demande .... "Qu'avez-vous fait toute la journée?"

«Eh bien, lui dis-je, j'ai lavé les plats * à l'eau savonneuse froide et à la vaisselle sale *» et j'ai fait la lessive, mais les chambres des enfants étaient en désordre et la salle de bain était dégueulasse et j'allais dîner mais quand j'ai ouvert le frigo, j'ai vu que c'était méchant alors j'ai commencé à le nettoyer. "

"Alors, rien alors?" Répond-il.

"Eh bien, non ... j'ai fait beaucoup ... de ... .tout ... chose ..." Je boude en regardant autour de moi pour voir que je n'ai pas accompli 100% de tout ce que j'ai commencé à faire et maintenant je dois trouver rapidement / dîner facile parce que tout est gelé et je suis frustré ... Je me sens fatigué et triste maintenant. Je pense ... que peut-être ... je devrais aller m'allonger parce que je suis fatigué de tout le travail que j'ai fait sans accomplir quelque chose et épuisé par la déception que je vois dans ses yeux parce qu'il ne comprend pas que j'ai essayé faire beaucoup, mais mon cerveau ... à penser ...

Saturday, April 21, 2018

4/21/18


So...... 


 I have some news...
 I get to go to my first ever concert this summer and I’m so freaking excited!! 

I mean... who wouldn't be ecstatic to see
THIS MAN live and on stage??? 
 mm..mmm.mmmmmmmm.... *drools* 

 My cousin and I wanted to see Panic! in Cleveland at the Grog Shop but that was hopeless... so when we heard about the tour, we started saving money from paychecks for the pre-sale.. and we did it! WE GOT TICKETS!! 

 I'm 32 years old and have never been to a concert... not once.. I am super stoked! 
 Again.... wouldn't you be?? 
 You can't even lie.. you know you'd be just as excited as we are! LOL

I can't even believe it most times! lol  



I’m literally so excited that I tell every person I see all about it lol  for serious  
I even have a countdown LOL! 


Thursday, August 10, 2017

8-10-17

J'abandonne.

Je suis si malade et fatigué de chaque petite chose qui pourrait aller mal, aller mal. Je ne peux même pas commencer à expliquer mon dernier mois, mais il est sur le point de réduire énormément les choses 48 heures si je ne trouve pas une issue. Je ne sais pas quoi faire. Personne n'est jamais là pour moi quand j'ai besoin d'aide, mais je suis toujours là pour tout le monde. Je ne peux pas dire trop de gens ce qui se passe ou les gens que je ne veux pas dans mon entreprise le saurons. Aussi, si je ne le dis pas à quelqu'un, je vais exploser! Je ne peux rien faire. Je ne peux pas être le mauvais. Je ne peux pas être le seul à faire des progrès. Je ne peux pas tenir les autres. Je suis une erreur.

Essayez une chose: impasse.

Essayez la deuxième chose: plus grande impasse.

Passez près de deux mille dollars pour une chasse au trésor qui n'a pas de trésor pour moi parce que je ne peux pas être qualifié.

Trouvez quelqu'un qui PEUT aider, mais alors ils ne peuvent aider que si je les trouve un moyen d'aider, alors je cherche des moyens, et je trouve même des impasses mroe.

Vous dites que vous voulez aider, ou que vous essayez, mais tout ce que je vois, c'est les jeux vidéo, la lecture et le fait de dire combien vous ne pouvez pas faire parce que vous avez "essayé".


Thursday, March 24, 2016

3-24-16

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!


I am so lost and can't find my way and nothing works and everything I try fails and the people I care about think I don't care because I'm always fucking busy and I drive 60 miles a day and never sleep more than an hour at a time and I'm always driving one place or another and I can't save money because I'm spending all the money we have on gas so I can't find a place to go because I have no money but I need money to move and husband needs the job to make money and we need money for gas and I can't handle this shit anymore! I want to scream, but who cares right? I want to cry every minute of every day but I can't because I have to adult. I want to read and color and do nothing for a week, but I can't because I'm the adult, I'm the grownup, I'm the mom. I want to eat but can't afford food while I'm going through this. I try to keep in touch and fail and now my friends are all pissed off because I haven't kept good contact when they needed me. Well, I needed someone too. Still do. But you're dealing with as much shit as me so I just kept mine to myself and tried listening to you and helping you. But the more I tried, the more I failed.

I wake up every morning between 6 and 7am(depending on if I hear the clock or force myself back to sleep for a tiny bit before getting up). I'm dressed, kids(2) dressed, husband dressed, breakfast prepped and packed, backpacks, keys, lunch stuff packed, out the door by 7:45am. Take daughter to school, go to library and wait for them to open at 9:30am. Sit in parking lot in truck and eat breakfast with son and husband. Library opens, go inside. Get on computer and look for houses and put in job applications (usually 2). 11:15am alarm goes off on phone... time to check mail and take husband to work. Drive husband to work, come back to library and put in another job application or two while I wait for 3pm so I can leave to get daughter from school. Grab her and go BACK to the library so that we can read and do homework and she can study and not be stuck in the truck. Between 5 and 7, leave library. Go to McDonald's across from hubby's work so I can have WiFi and kids can play and run around and get out energy while we wait for husband to get off work between 8:30-9:15pm. Husband gets off work and walks over to us at McDonald's. Get kids packed into truck and drive home. Arrive home around 9:30-45pm. Figure out what to feed kids, cook it, feed kids. By this point it's nearly 11pm and the kids and I and husband are exhausted. Shuffle kids to bed begrudgingly and wait for them to be asleep before we go to bed ourselves. I'm in bed around 2am every night finally and then I have to wind my brain down. Because even though I'm exhausted, I'm not mentally able to fall asleep... SUUUUUUU..... I lie in bed and think, and breathe, and lie there..... until I finally fall asleep around 3am-ish. I will then continue to wake up every 45mins to hour until either my alarm goes off or I see daylight and can't talk my body into falling asleep due to night terrors, nightmares, flashbacks, whatever you wanna call em.. they suck and they feel real when I'm dreaming.. mmkay pumpkin??. I do this Tuesday through Friday. Every week. On Saturdays, I sometimes stay at the house, but then I accomplish NOTHING... so I mostly go to the library when I can, and I chase kids around and try to accomplish things while I'm chasing daughter and son around trying to make behaving happen... (doesn't happen btw). Sundays we may go to church, we may not... but even those days I'm unproductive because I can't access internet to accomplish anything really....  Mondays, I start my day just like Tuesday through Friday, but instead of taking husband to work, we stay at the library, get daughter when its time, and then check mail and go home and then I'm still depressed and anxious and shit! 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

11-26-15

Today is Thanksgiving and as such I need to stop being as negative as I have been and be positive about the things I am thankful for... So, I tried doing this 30 thankful days on facebook, but I fudged and ended up missing days and just..ughhh.... SO, I'm going to put them here with PICTURES!! (1-26 at least) Mostly because I can come back here and look at it and remind myself that it's not as horrible as it seems like at times and that it can ALWAYS get worse...

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

11-25-15

Don't assume that because I don't post about them every 30 seconds that I have forgotten any of my children. I think about them every day. Just because I don't post about them daily, doesn't mean anything except that I suffer in peace because it's my own fault. I realize you're one of the only links to my children that I have, but you need to stop rubbing it in my face. I messed up, I get it... but either forgive and move on and be an adult, or blow me off and decide you're going to stop giving me what little access you have been. I love my children. ALL of them.. ALL the time... Every..single..day.

Monday, November 16, 2015

11-16-15



I want to scream and I need a trainer.... I break a sweat changing my shirt and I try talking to my counselor who's doing great but wants to focus on one thing at a time and I wanna just pour it all out and I only have an hour and I need more and now I see her every two weeks instead of every week but I don't want every other week. I'm tired of being all alone here and only having Bryan and kids. I don't even have colleagues because I can't get a job and my entire fucking life is going to hell and I'm trying to not tell and scream at everyone all the time and be a bitch but ya know.... I'm tired of everyone telling me to be positive and stop letting it get me down. Maybe I just wanna be held, invited to go out and hang out or go to the movies. I can't. Because I have nobody to watch my kids because I'm all alone aside from Bryan. I want to have friends face to face. I want my mom to be MY MOM not my sisters mom. Is she ashamed of me so bad that she's just going to replace me with her? I love my sister don't get me wrong but really?? She's mine. My mom. And yeah she's annoying and I can't stand most of the things that she's ever done to me but she's still MY MOM! And I can't vent to anyone because every time I try I get "oh I know, let me feed you my problems." I'm not looking for a game of my life's worse than yours. Maybe I just want a fucking ear to talk to. Shoulder to cry on. Maybe I'm sick and tired of being strong. Maybe I want someone to come to me. Make me a priority. Baby me.... I feel like I'm trying to search for something that doesn't exist.


My nightmares are coming back full force and I can't control them no matter how hard I try. I keep having flashbacks about him hitting me, throwing me down and kicking me. holding his hand over my throat until I started seeing stars and kicking and gurgling until the edges of my vision went blurry and darkened into blackness that crept into my point of view feeling like an ocean of hell washing over me.
Him walking in and finding me in bed after killing my daughter or dragging her to the bedroom to have her watch him kill me, or vice versa. 

I don't sleep much anymore...
I just want..... Too much I guess...


Nothing I do is good enough and I'm tired of it. I go to school, can't use the degrees because nobody will hire me freelance and I can't go to a normal office environment. I also refuse to work in a mail room with hopes that one magic day I'll be an artist like the real employees.. -_- not..happening...


And another thing.... If you want me to back out just say so. Being stepped all over my some kid that doesn't know half what I know is pissing me off... Especially when she doesn't discuss anything WITH ME and can't do the tasks she's actually attempting correctly and it looks like shit!

Sunday, November 15, 2015

11-15-15



When I was 4 my mom moved us to another state for a guy she had met online. I don't remember much other than not wanting to leave my grandmother in Ohio. She was my only grandma and I would miss her greatly. I remember bits and pieces of the man named Phillip Meek. I remember his house looked huge to me. I remember that he had a cool treehouse in his backyard! I remember my bedroom was across the hall from his and my mom's. ....and I remember that he taught me, at 4 or 5 years old... how to straddle a man's face, among other things. I remember watching pornos with a woman in a blue wig performing fellatio, I remember him telling me if I told anyone that I would lose my mom, and I remember him touching me in places NO MAN should ever touch a woman or man without consent and never a child for any reason. Being that I just lost my grandma, I was scared, but I still told my school counselor. The school informed my mother who went to the police. The judge, being told by my mother that we lived with the offender, granted me a 10ft restraining order. Can you believe that? 10...feet... Meaning, my mom didn't have to move, I could still be in the house with this monster.




After a while my mom started to get relaxed on the restraining order and didn't make him stay away from me. I mean, how could she? My bedroom was 4ft from theirs, right across the hall. He gave me a huge bear for some reason... I think it might have been my birthday, and asked if he could give me a hug.. I was a child, I looked to my mom and she nodded her head, so I hugged this... facade of what a man is.

I remember going to counseling appointments where they put me in a room with a mirror I could see straight through at the little blinky red light on the other side. I remember the anatomically correct plush people that I was handed and asked to re-create what had been happening to me.




I hated it. I felt like I was the one in trouble. Like I was being interrogated every time I went in. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted it to go away. But I did what I was told and showed the lady counselor.




Eventually, my mom left Phillip and got together with another man named Ron.




Ron had a kitten and he lived in a basement type apartment and we also eventually moved back to Ohio! I was excited that I was going to be around my grandma again! We lived upstairs from her in her duplex even, so it was even beter!




My grandma was an alcoholic, but she always made me feel important, never let her problems affect her relationship with me and I adored her to the moon and back twice!




One day, a while after we were living there, I remember Ron calling me into his and my moms bedroom. I was nervous still from Phillip, but I listened and did as I was told. I was in my nightgown that day. He asked me to take it off. He asked me to come to him. he said it like a question, but I knew better. I knew it wasn't. Here it was... new guy, new house, same nightmare. He touched me and licked me in placed that felt weird. I didn't like it, it was slimy and gross feeling. He told me that I'd learn to like it and that he needed to show me the right way. Told me I'd be "daddy's little girl" it would be our secret. He would lay me in the bed with him and cover me up next to him, while watching movies with my little brothers sitting right at the foot of the bed, or on the floor next to the bed, and he would be touching me. putting his fingers in places that hurt when he pushed inside.




I told my mom. After all, she was there for me last time, this would be the right thing to do. Right?

No.

My mom told me that everything would be alright. Told me that we would handle it as a family and that we would all talk. That it would stop.

But it didn't. It continues for a long time. I decided that telling my mom didn't work. So I told my grandmother. She was outraged! Told me that she was going to make it stop. Grandma called the police and when my mom saw the car pull in, she called me upstairs. My grandma told me to listen to my mom and go up there, that she would have them knock in a few minutes. While upstairs, my mom told me that if I told the cops that my grandmother was telling the truth that the cops would take me away from my family and I'd never see my mom or brothers again.For me to lie and say that my grandma was just drunk and didn't know what she was talking about. That we would talk about it as a family, she meant it this time, she would stop it and no cops. Once again, I believed her and lied to the police for her. I was so young I didn't realize I was causing irreparable damage to my ability to tell anyone again. Ron managed to get away with this for nearly 11 years before anyone believed me again. All while my mom wouldn't listen. She would tell people I was having flashbacks from living with Phillip. I knew I wasn't lying, but it did no good because I had lied once to the police. When I was 16, my best friend, confidant, sweetheart... my everything.... listened to me. For the first time in a very long time, someone listened and wanted to help... He said he would call that night and then call the police and to be ready. I stole the cordless phone to my room and waited. When he called, I was ready, he called the police right after giving me a pep talk. Told me I could do this and that he was there for me. When the cops arrived I asked to talk to them alone. I was a teenager and not a child anymore, so I could talk to them alone finally. I didn't lie that night. I told the whole truth and they took me away. Placed me with a friend of my mom's who also didn't believe me and they started a CPS investigation. My mom sided with my abuser. The filth that had repeatedly touched, and anally raped me for a decade... my own flesh and blood MOTHER.... sided with HIM. I was so furious and hurt and just... confused.. My mom shipped me off to live with extended family I had never met and continued to stay with Ron. By this time I had 3 brothers and a sister. All I could imagine was, what would happen if he touched my sister? I found out he was also touching my brothers. I was shipped away so my mom didn't have to deal with me.




Years later my biological father came around and scared Ron off in a selfish ploy to win my mom back. After Ron was gone and I had moved out and started healing, I had already given up trying to prosecute Ron because nobody would help me and I thought it was too late. Then I found out that my mom... the woman who gave birth to me...gave me life... helped my younger brother prosecute Ron in a plea deal so she couldn't get in any trouble for allowing it to happen. This made me feel less than low. Beyond gone.. My mom, abandoned me with complete strangers and allowed this....thing to touch me for most of my childhood, excused it, lied to people for him, defended his every breath... wouldn't be there when it came to me.... BUT, when my brother needed her voice... she was all in... This led to questions like 

Why doesn't my mom love me? 
Why wouldn't she help me? 
What's wrong with me? 
Is she ashamed of me?
What did I do so wrong?
Did I deserve it?
Was she in on it?
Why doesn't my mommy love me like she loves them?

none of these questions will ever have answers.... ever.... because when I ask them... she deflects.

I recently found out that my mom is FRIENDS on Facebook with Phillip Meek
When I asked her how she could do that. Why she'd do that. Why is she friends with a man who could hurt her child so.... her response was that I don't have the right to tell her who she can and can't be friends with.

and I'M the child!!????


 I decided right then that I wouldn't let anyone feel that way. Not my kids, not friends kids, no child at any age should feel like the ones that are around them, don't care. Boy, Girl, Man, Woman, Child, Adult.... Everyone deserves someone to be there for them and help them through everything.Nobody deserves the things I went through. Nobody should feel like their mom doesn't care about them.