8-29-15

I'm so glad that you can't pay your rent and need utility help, and complain that your food stamps went down again, and your car is broken and you can't afford a new one or to repair the one you have, but you can afford to go all over hell's creation. Can't be bothered to save up to come to my wedding, but you have the money to go on a road trip. 

Am I not important?

I live all the way across the country. 

Someone I've never met, ever in my life, is excited and has said more about my wedding and seeing me and visiting than you have. 😢 I just got caught up on my rent and it's due again with this next check, so my daughter will be starting kindergarten without a few things on her list. Do you know how bad that feels? No, because someone's always been there to bail you out one way or another. But I haven't complained to you about it. Because if you're not bitching about something, you're not happy. 

If you don't care about him, stop checking up on him. 

If you can't afford your rent, don't go on road trips. 

"I can't pay all my bills but I am buying wine."

 I receive food stamps. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I haven't really gotten anything out of my pocket for myself in MONTHS. Because we can't afford it. Simple as that. 

But see, I can't talk to you about these things, because you'll defend your actions, call me irrational or jealous or whatever, and stop talking to me. And then I'll fall into my emotional pit again. And I'm tired of losing people. So I'll just keep it here and to myself. Eventually it'll go away. It always does. 

8-27-15

I think about you all the time. How we talked about weddings. And the fun we had when we were kids. Helping you with your homework. You trying to teach me how to dance lol. I can't believe it's been a month since my entire world shifted. It's not the first time, but...it...I never thought I'd be getting that call. Just goes to show you.... You need to live life each day as it comes because tomorrow isn't promised. :( I love you Kristine. Always and forever cuz. ❤️💛💚💙💜

8-20-15_2

Breathe......

I can breathe......

My kids can't help it.....

They don't understand....

Breathe.....good.....

They don't do it on purpose...

They are trying their best...

Breathe...

My version of counting to 10:

1. When he/she is calm he/she will listen. 

2. I am the adult and as such must remain calm or they never will. 

3. Just because they're loud and crying doesn't mean you're wrong. 

4. Just because they're quiet and still doesn't mean you're right. 

5. I love my kids. 

6. They love me. 

They're doing their best. 

***deep breath***

7. Ignore the meltdown, he/she can't control themselves. 

8. They're screaming out of frustration not pain. Don't let his/her hands go, she/he will hurt themselves. 

9. They are doing the best they know how. 

10. You're a good mom, you're doing the best you can. 

This doesn't always work. And I try as hard as I can... But some days, I just want to let them do what they want and say screw it. I'll clean the house later. >_< 

But today is not that day.

8-20-15

I woke up this morning curled up in a ball at the end of the bed (Bryan stole all blankets in his sleep) woke up, freezing, tampon overflowing, feeling gross, took a shower, conditioned hair. Forgot to wash it before conditioning it. Separated laundry. Kid i was to babysit showed up. I tripped and fell. Kids got up, refused to clean anything. I put laundry in and got it going (btw it's $1.25 to wash and 12mins/$.25 to dry and they're no bigger than what you'd have in a house you owned....) came back, kids hungry. Pushed hair back wards to realize I still had conditioner in my hair. *Goody...too late now...ponytail* made lunch for kids and they refused the food so I had to force them to eat it. Zinneah(babysat kid) pours cup of guava(which tastes like a cactus btw) juice all over herself. I change her. Get the juice cleaned. Both bathrooms clean. My bedroom clean. Eryn's room clean. Micah's room clean. Can't do homework because kids won't stop being assholes. Zinneah goes home. Micah goes down for a nap. Try to do homework only to be interrupted by Eryn every thirty seconds for some mundane question like "why do ducks quack" as if I'm supposed to know this shit.... I accidentally burnt rice. So I had to remake that. Micah woke up so I had to let him out. Laundry keeps taking more than $1.00 to dry, so I have to go to walgreens for more quarters that I can't afford because I have to pay bills. But I need clean clothes too so there's a huge 'HA' moment. I made dinner and Eryn is refusing to eat it altogether. And Micah is picking the rice out of the zucchini piece by piece and refusing to eat vegetables!!!!! Bryan won't be home for another three hours. I still have to go buy quarters. I want to stop being a grown up. 

Oh.....AND these surgeries have stressed me out so bad, my dr thinks I have stomach ulcers.....

8-7-15

Really starting to feel like nobody wants to come. 

I'm important when you need me. You're supposed to be important to me when you need me. When I'm doing bad, you're time first to step in and be all "girl, you got this." But when I want to celebrate something that I'm utterly excited about that's good, you can't even mark an 'x' and put down a number, lick a strip and drop it in a box, you can't be bothered....? I even paid for the postage already! You literally have nothing else you have to do but write an x and a number and lick an envelope!! 

7-19-15

If there's one thing that being overweight has taught me it's not to judge someone you don't know. 

As a teenager, I was a mean little piss ant. 

I didn't give a shit if you could hear me laughing at your shoes or hair or weight. And I sure as hell didn't think 

"OMG, what does this person think of what I'm saying!?" 

But I do now. Boy do I. Everyone needs to remember that just because some looks a certain way doesn't make it their fault entirely. 

Maybe someone has a lazy eye. You make fun of them, but it's not like they woke up one morning and went 

"ya know what? I'm gonna make the left eye look down

and to the right all day.."

No overweight person woke up and decided to eat a truck load of twinkles one morning. 

Some of us try really...really hard and nothing changes. 

Weight doesn't come off,

scars don't fade;

and pain stays.

You don't know how hard I try and bust my ass and tell myself not to eat that cake because it's bad for me. But still, I weigh 278lbs. 

No matter what, I weigh 278. I guess you could say it's okay cause at least I'm not getting any bigger. But when people at the gym talk behind your back about 

"yeah, some fatty is pretending to run at 2.5mph" 

*chuckles and high fives his buddy*

I understand that 2.5mph is considered "slow walking" on MyFitnessPal, but when it's coupled with the fact that I was walking(breathlessly run-jogging) at 2.5mph on a level 3 incline(IDK what the numbers mean height wise) and I went for 35 minutes, that's a lot! Especially for someone like me. 

Today, some teenagers were in the parking lot of the store that I walked around in for 40 minutes for no reason. Just to exercise a little. 

Upon getting into the truck, I saw them looking...no...gawking at me. Eyes wide. Jaws slacked. And then one of them one says 

"Oh Em Gee, how can she even walk? 

Her legs must be buckling from under her." 

Now as much as I shouldn't let it bother me because she doesn't know me.... It did. 

It hurt a lot. 

Here I am. Enjoying the day. Taking pride that I burnt like 200 calories walking and this chick just couldn't stop herself. She doesn't even know how hard I try to lose weight to only stay the same weight. I sat in the truck and bawled my eyes out. Hard core just horrible. 

My kids asked me what was wrong and I told them the hot was making me sad because I didn't want my kids to know someone called me a mean name. 

I hope something changed soon because at this rate gonna get more and more depressed at this weight and the inability to make it leave my body. 

And it's gonna kill me slowly.

7-10-15

Okay, so I don't normally do this, but I need a place to rant again and this seems the best place to do that.

I am a PROUD member of the BDSM community and lifestyle. I am also a domestic violence survivor and rape survivor among other things. Many people seem to think that BDSM is abuse, which.. it CAN be... but only if the so-called "Dominant" is doing things that are not of the general health, well-being, or happiness of the submissive.

In a healthy relationship, a person uses abuse on one-off occasions. You can predict that they will be caring, loving and respectful most of the time.

But in an abusive relationship, a person uses abuse and control often. You can predict that they will abuse you and that they will control you. Sometimes they are caring and loving.



I have been in GOOD D/s relationships, and I have been in BAD D/s relationships and there IS a difference!!

There is a fine line between BDSM and ABUSE/DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. 

BDSM is coessential with agreed limits pre-set.

ABUSE/DOMESTIC VIOLENCE should be defined as any act against a person that is physically or emotionally demeaning. 

A Dominant will always be looking out for your best interests. A Dominant will NOT isolate you. He/She will ALWAYS be supportive of you having friends and will not want you to lose friends unless they are harmful to you or your physical/emotional/mental state.

An abusive partner will use isolation as a debilitating consequence of abuse and control

Anyone who lives with an ongoing experience of being abused by a family or household member can become isolated as a result. For instance, the victim may withdraw from friends and family to save face or because they feel misunderstood, judged, stigmatised, or not supported. Particular tactics aimed at isolating the victim can lead women to become extremely dependent on their controlling partner.

**RED FLAG**

If he/she tells you that you are not allowed to see certain people

Sally said, “I was not allowed to keep in touch with my male friends. I made the assumption he was jealous but he’d never admit to it – he had no comprehension that my friendship with these men did not mean I loved him any less or that they’d get more attention in any way whatsoever – it was so immature and pathetic of him and ignorant that he refused to even meet these people.”

Please for the life of everything you hold dear.... 

PLEASE DO NOT LET YOURSELF FALL INTO THE FAD OF BDSM AND END UP IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. 

7-3-15

Week 2: Assignment 3 

Assignment 3: Two-Point Perspective Imaginary Street Scene

This assignment will familiarize you with creating an outdoor scene in two-point perspective with rectangular and triangular prisms. You will also learn how to use horizontal and vertical convergence to create depth in your scene.

By Friday, July 3, 2015, complete the drawing project and post it to this Discussion Area.

Using your pencils, paper, ruler, and your imagination, draw an outdoor street scene in two-point perspective that contains the following elements:

• A building or house with a pitched roof
• A fence, telephone poles, a row of trees, or some other vertical row of objects that uses accurate vertical convergence.
• A road, sidewalk, or some other horizontal element that uses accurate horizontal convergence.

Tips for the drawing process:

1. Create an area measuring about 9x12 inches on your 18x24-inch pad of paper so you have a margin surrounding the drawing area. This will allow you to place your vanishing points outside the edges of the drawing in the margins to create a good composition that effectively uses space.
2. Consider the placement of elements within the drawing to create a well-balanced composition, utilizing foreground, mid-ground, and background.
3. Be sure to correctly overlap the elements in the composition, keeping in mind the placement of their bases/footprints on the ground plane.
4. Even though this drawing needs to be a scene from your imagination, remember that you can use photographs as a reference to add details such as architectural elements or complex objects to your imagined scene.
5. Leave your guidelines lightly sketched in, and then switch to a softer (4B, 6B) pencil to darken the finished shapes to help them stand out against the guidelines. Do not press down hard with your pencil.

My Work:

6-2-15_2

Critique for Classmate

Ralph,

Your composition looks very light and hard to make out in some areas, however, the areas I can make out seem like they need some work working with the vanishing point on their opposite sides. Remember that with Two-Point Perspective, "each set of edges/lines has its own vanishing point for a total of two vanishing points for one object. In two-point perspective, one edge of a rectangular prism is parallel to the picture plane." (Glossary, 2015) I have included a guided version of your image that I think may help you see where your composition could use the help.

Works Cited"Glossary of Terms ." Perspective Drawing | FNDA120 P02. The Art Institute of Pittsburgh – Online Division , 2015. Web

6-2-15

Week 2: Assignment 2

Assignment 2: Basic Shapes in Two-Point Perspective

This assignment will familiarize you with the methods of two-point perspective. You will also learn how to reference the perspective grid to overlap shapes correctly in space and understand how vanishing point placement can influence a two-point perspective drawing.

By Wednesday, July 1, 2015, complete the drawing exercise and post it to this Discussion Area.

1. Using your drawing pencils, paper, and ruler, first lightly draw a horizon line and label it HL. Then draw two vanishing points on either side of the horizon line and label them VP. Use the two vanishing points to fill the page with cubes, rectangular prisms, and triangular prisms in two-point perspective.
2. Draw at least three examples of each basic shape: cubes, rectangular prisms, and triangular prisms. This will result in a minimum of nine shapes.
3. Draw at least two triangular prisms as "pitched roofs" with equal sides on top of rectangular prisms. (Use ”perspective center X” to mark the middle of the side to place the top point of the triangle using the method described in the lecture and reading.)
4. Overlap at least two shapes on the ground plane, keeping in mind the placement of their bases/footprints.
5. Leave approximately half of your shapes transparent (see-through) and make the other half opaque (solid) by erasing away the hidden edges. Please do not shade the shapes to make them appear solid.
6. Draw some shapes above the horizon line, some below the horizon line, and some crossing over the horizon line.
7. Leave your guidelines lightly sketched in, and then switch to a softer (4B, 6B) pencil to darken the finished shapes to help them stand out against the guidelines. Do not press down hard with your pencil.

My Work:

Bridgette Bandell

Maria Ogedengbe

FNDA120 P02

1 July 2015

Assignment 2: Basic Shapes in Two-Point Perspective


For this composition, I decided to place the Horizon Line a bit low so that I had more space to work with on the top area. I placed my Vanishing Points as far away from each other as I could so that the scene was as believable as possible. I found it a lot easier to draw Two-Point Perspective than it was to draw One-Point Perspective. I made sure to check and make sure the Convergence was as precise as possible. I scanned my composition in so that you could clearly see the guidelines I used in completing my assignment. I did struggle with eyeballing the far angle on the pitched roof that is overlapping the Horizon Line due to the shape being so narrow, but all in all, I feel like I grasped this concept quite well.