4-8-21

 Not in the mood for jokes. Emotions running high and on my sleeve. I’m medicated and overwhelmed with my own brain. If I am giving you my time and you’re blowing it off, I’m taking it personally. I don’t do this on purpose and logically I know everyone has a life and their own things to do and can’t always message back in 10minutes. But if you’re a passenger in a car and your phone is at 84%, you could take theee seconds out of your day to see that I’ve messaged you a dozen times. See that my fb story seems triggered and reach out. Tell me you’re alright after the therapy you’re doing because I know you’re nervous and scared and don’t know what else to do or have anyone to turn to. 

I’m used to people choosing toxic people over me. Idk why I thought it would be different. Idk why I feel so hard. Idk why my brain does this. I have no idea how to think differently. 

You say you love me for my clingy and my needy but then you ignore me all day. I want to be important all the time. I hate radio silence. It gives me high panic and anxiety and some of us don’t just have an abundance of medication at the ready to take care of it. My counselor thinks I’m doing amazing because of everything I say. Nobody sees the real me anymore. Nobody peels back the layers and the words and the emotions to take the time to see. To ask. To.... just dig inside and help. 

I help and work and try and push and o do everything. And I’m afraid it’ll never be returned. Not the actions or the materials. That’s not it. My issue lies in the meaning. I feel like I’m asking for things that you can’t or won’t give me. Time. Not just being on the phone. 

I want efforts. I want kisses. I want touch. I want you to be here. I want promises kept. I need physical connection as well. 

And no this isn’t about sex. It’s about craving and needing someone to go the extra mile for me for once. 

Someone willing to mirror my efforts. Show me what I mean to you. Tell me sweet things. Draw me pictures and write me notes and mail them to me. Show people you have someone. Show me off. Don’t hide me. Don’t be ashamed of me and tell me you love me. 

Don’t wear a mask with me.