5-27-2020

je déteste tout en ce moment. je ne vaux rien. désespéré. personne n'en a jamais rien à foutre. je ne peux même pas parler à personne car il sera utilisé contre moi plus tard. alors oui ... je déteste tout. mon mari veut juste que je cuisine, nettoie et fasse l'amour. c'est tout. je ne veux pas faire l'amour parce que je ne me sens pas sexy. je ne me sens pas attirant. je me sens comme rien. je veux juste déjà mourir putain! j'ai pensé à le quitter et on m'a dit que je devais travailler. mais comment suis-je censé travailler sur des choses si l'autre partie ne joue pas correctement? je veux juste quelqu'un qui va m'aimer. veux que je sois moi. comprendre que mon état mental ne peut pas être aidé. c'est pourquoi je ne peux pas le quitter. personne d'autre ne traitera avec moi. personne d'autre ne sera jamais disposé à s'occuper de mes démons. pas par choix. Im trop fou pour personne. même ce seul gars sur qui je regardais. je suis presque sûr de l'avoir effrayé. n'a pas d'importance de toute façon. je n'ai pas le courage de partir de toute façon. je vais juste rester ici et être misérable. c'est n'importe quoi. je ne pourrais pas arracher Eryn de lui si j'essayais. elle serait dévastée.

2-22-2020

I don't even know why I try. The harder I try, the less I get. I do everything for them... and nothing I get in return. They don't even care. None of them do. I spent all night and morning in the hospital worried sick about my son because he said he wanted to commit suicide I come home and all they want to do is play on their phones and complain that there's nothing to do. All I want is to spend time with my kids.. But what do I get? "I'm sorry" without any real proof by way of showing it with actions because they say "sorry" and then they go back to devices. 

My older two won't call me mom. I'm "Bridgette" no matter how hard I try, they won’t even try. It's so hard. I'm supportive, I show I'm invested and interested in things they want to tell me. I try my hardest to show up for everything they ask me to be there for. Nothing I do is good enough for them. 

This is all I ever get... Kids that ignore me and just use me as a scape goat for bullshit. I sacrifice sleep, plans, gas, everything a parent should for my kids... all of them... and what do I get? Lied to, stolen from, and used. 

"I'm sorry mom" for acting like a brat and getting my phone after you made it clear you didn't want us to because you wanted to watch a movie and spend time together...
*goes right back to phone and plays videos*

Like... seriously???

What the hell?

This is all I ever see!!

I'm in tears and instead of listening and putting down devices, they decide that they're going to all go bake a cake.


ALL I WANTED WAS AN HOUR AND A HALF OF TIME!


BUT NO...

they spent two and a half hours as far away as they could, making a cake "for me" so they could feel better.

 I understand that they think they're helping, but it's not helping.... I just wanted to watch one movie with them and play a game of D&D.

They obviously just want to come over here so they can have a new place to play on phones and do nothing. SO, whatever.

7-1-19

Shower, then bedtime for me. I'm kinda done trying today. I was good for like a minute... but then everything exploded. I get left out of everything. I'm told I'm important but when it comes down to it, I'm not even close. You go and do everything huge and fun with everyone else and never think to invite me. You invite my kid sometimes, but not both of them, and you make me feel like you don't love one as much as the other. Not even as much as you love the other kids that also aren't..... nevermind... I might not be able to go to things, but I would feel so much more... cared about, or thought about if I got an invite. You don't even call or ask if I can or want to go. You're always going everywhere with your real siblings, but I'm an afterthought. You go to fun places and post pics "having fun with my family" and I get it, they're your family too... but I never even get invited. It hurts me more than I'd like to admit. Even if I had to decline, I'd know that you thought about me and wanted me around if you invited me. "Hey we're going to do this thing on this day, wanna come?"


I invite you to things, but you decline and all I get is tossed aside while you go all over and do fun things with everyone else. I even offered to pay the entire way and you still don't want to do things with me. 😞


I've tried getting the guts to tell you this many times, but everytime I do, I chicken out because I'm afraid of your reaction. I'm afraid you'll tell me I'm right and then I won't even have you.


I have no real family I guess.

• My mom is ....my mom, and she's tossed me aside more than once, so I don't have a mom.
• My dad... is no dad... I don't want to be associated with him in any way. I wasn't important enough to him as a child, and as an adult, he let me down in more way than one... so... no, I don't have one of those.
• My middle, younger brother wrote me off a couple years before he committed suicide, and I never got the chance to tell him I still love and care about him no matter what he thinks of me, and that's going to eat away at me forever.
• My oldest younger sister came out to me as trans MTF and when I told her I accepted and supported her 100%, she stopped talking to me and to this day, I have no idea why... but I still love her.
• My youngest little sister that I wanted so badly and prayed for and love with everything I have in me, probably doesn't even know I exist because my mom refuses to let me talk to any of them.
• My youngest little brother.. knows I exist, but never talks to me and I don't know why. I haven't seen either of the last two in...almost a decade...
• My one older brother is gay and idk why, but one day he just stopped talking to me. No warning, no nothing... I message him from time to time checking in and telling him I care about him, but never get a response.
• My other older brother hated me (or so I thought) until recently when I got to go to his wedding, which was the first time I'd ever spent more than 30 mins with him....ever.. but I still don't know where we stand there.
• and then there's you... You're successful, don't depend on anyone, have custody of all your kids, they both have the same dad, they're doing so many great things to make you proud every day, you get to go to amusement parks all the time, and trips out of state, and go do so much with them and you never have to worry about if you do this, will you have money for rent, or insurance, or anything. I see pics you post on fb all the time when you go on driving vacations... different states, attractions... you invite everyone else.. but I get overlooked and forgotten about. You bring everyone else... think about everyone else... but never me.

My feelings don't matter though, so I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not like you're ever going to read it. Because I won't tell you where it is. I'm to scared that me telling you this will push you away like my thoughts and feelings push away everyone else I care about.

3-20-19

"Maybe", "later", and "for now" are the worst words in the English language. 

Uncertainty triggers the worst anxiety. Especially these days, with everyone making such loose plans. Let's just make our plans now and be done with it, thank you very much.

No, a panic attack is not simply freaking out. It's like when you're crying and you cannot breathe and everything will not be OK and it never has been OK and you feel like you're going to die. Stop using the words "panic attack" so loosely... For those of us that have them, they're real, they can be paralyzing, and they suck. 

Waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back asleep because your brain is a spinning wheel of anxiety. 

You have so much to do tomorrow and now you're going to be so tired and you basically ruined everything and oh my god, I accidentally said that weird thing to my boss the other day and now she totally hates me and...UGH! 

Trust me, if I could stop worrying about how I'm going to get all my work done and if I'm going to be late for dinner, I'd stop. You telling me to stop worrying just makes me worry about it even more.

I feel anxiety about the tiniest things. 

My phone is going to run out of battery, even if it's at 53 percent. And why didn't I get invited to that get-together? Oh my god, I forgot to eat breakfast, and now I am going to be late and it's all my fault.

I freak out about being early...or late... — Will it be weird? What will I do while I'm waiting? — but if you're late, you freak out about keeping someone waiting or or having your boss get mad at you or...UGH! 

9-17-18

I'm so sick and tired of always being there for people but when I need a little help, everyone's busy. 

Eryn had a MAJOR meltdown at school today when it was time to get on the bus and when it was time to go she refused to put on her harness or get on the bus and so they called me to come get her. 

I have no car, NO... CAR.... I tell them they have to get her on the bus.. force her if they have to.. get her on that bus... They didn't. They let the bus leave her there.. So now she's stuck at school and I've asked everyone I can think of that's not at work and car 1 is at work until 6 and so is Car 2 and I hate not having a freaking car and Person 1 can't be bothered to help me even though I've helped them, and Person 2 is too far away, Person 3 isn't answering their phone even though I can see them on FACEBOOK!!!! Person 4 isn't even reading my messages and I'm just so tired of things crumbling down around me! I'm done being there for people who are never there for me when I really truly need them...! 

8-3-18

10 Common MYTHS About Bipolar Disorder

1.) It’s all in my head.
   --I’m not looking for an excuse to explain my erratic behavior and racing thoughts on. This isn’t even something I wanted. I was told I have it and tried to deny it and prove them wrong only to be proven wrong myself and proving them right anyways...

2.) Bipolar disorder is another name for people with “mood swings”  --I wish it was that easy... but no, it’s not even close. The mood swings are more severe, longer lasting, and they impact my ability to continually care for basic needs such as holding a job or showering daily.

3.) People with BiPolar disorder are all creative geniuses.  --Not..true.. some of us are. some of us aren’t. My manic episodes start off as me thinking I’m going to do this big amazing thing and then starting it only to get about halfway through it and lose focus or drive and then I’m so tired I can’t even think of anything but that I want to finish what I started but I’m so tired that I can’t and so I don’t... I don’t NOT do it because I won’t want to.. I don’t because I physically can’t talk my arms into moving, or I can’t get my legs to go to the spot or get in the shower and then I have to tell myself how horrible I am because I can’t even do this simple basic necessity...

4.) People with BiPolar switch back and forth from mania to depression all the time, or are ill all of the time.   --Nope. In fact, my manic episodes can last for up to a week and go away with no warning... or I can go weeks or even months appearing and BEING fully functioning without a symptom and then all of a sudden.... bam... I’m so down that I can’t figure out what day of the week it is. 

5.) People with BiPolar feel great and happy when they’re manic.  --For some people, the mania is a feel good thing. It can FEEL like a happy UP time.. because you’re manic. But this is not a one size fits all diagnosis for a one size fits all disease. This is something that is different for each person. It’s easy to feel euphoric during a manic cycle for some, but for others it can be chaotic and mixed. I have been manic AND depressed at the same time. I have to get up and do something but I’m so depressed that I don’t see why I’m alive so I have to find things to fill the void. So I become hyper sexual or take unnecessary risks and purchase things I can’t and shouldn’t buy or afford because all I can see is the right now and the here and now are all I can focus on. But then when I come down, it’s like the depression or mood stayed the same, but the energy and drive went away so I’m down down down all over again but worse than a normal day. Some peoples’ mania can be explosive anger or abusive outbursts. Others can be one panic attack into another and another into another and you become so paranoid that the people across the street walking their dog must be watching you because they stopped for more than a second and what kind of person does that(going a million miles a second through your head) or insomnia for days on end... it’s not pretty or fun.

6.) Recovery isn’t possible.   --This is not true.. With the correct treatment plan and help and sometimes, yes,.. even medication regimen.. BiPolar is manageable and can be lived with in a healthy way. You can have months and months where you’re symptom free not because you aren’t BiPolar... but because your treatment and mind over matter are stronger than your diagnosis and you are handling it in a healthy way. Comprehensive care is key. This means counseling, therapy, medication, diet and lifestyle changes and even sometimes, a change in who you hang out with. Some people aren’t good for your mental health and need to be cut free. If they aren’y helping your healthy changes, then they need to be let go. Getting enough sunlight, getting regular exercise, eating better, taking our meds daily and even though this may seem easy for those without BiPolar, it’s hard for us who have it. Some days I’m great. diet...check, take my meds...check, went for my walk...check, made sure I got sleep...check, kept record of my foods and didn’t skip breakfast...check. But others, this is impossible to where I’ll get 4 days in and realize I haven’t slept and don’t remember the last time I ate was and if I took my meds last night. Recovery is possible, but it is an every..single..day..hard..mindful..lifetime exercise. 

7.) Manic Depression is different from BiPolar Disorder  --Wrong.. It’s the exact same thing but with a new name because they learned more things about BiPolar and decided that simply calling it Manic Depression wasn’t enough. There are many types of BiPolar disorder and Manic Depression is just a blanket term used before the psychologists truly understood BiPolar or knew there were different types... 

8.) Once BiPolar is under control, we don’t need to take medications anymore.  --This, as outlined in number 6 above, is wrong as well.. BiPolar episodes can last for days, weeks, months, or even years in some. So to say that we are better now and don’t need meds is wrong. The reason we are better is because of our meds and if we stop taking them, the bad stuff comes rushing back and most times at a lightning speed never before witnessed and we become worse and worse each time. Many people believe they only need to take their meds on bad days and this is not true. In order to have continuous good days we need to continually take our meds to balance out our brain’s neurons and keep everything level. It would be amazing if we never had to take our meds again once we were better.. but the truth is, it’ll never be better.. it’s just how managed your BiPolar is with medication(s). Rising cost of meds, the medication roulette our doctors put us through trying to find the right medication or mixture of medications it’s going to take to regulate our moods and the chemicals in our brains. The constantly changing side effects and regulating to new meds if your body adapts to the medication.. it’s tiring,. it really is... but if we were to stop taking the meds once we thought we were better... we would relapse and like any other disease, would have to reap some pretty horrible consequences. 

9.) Children can’t have BiPolar OR You can’t be diagnosed until you’re 18 years old.  --While it’s hard to tell the difference between BiPolar symptoms and age appropriate mood swings as well as hard to diagnose, but children as young as 6 yrs old have been diagnosed. You just have to look harder and examine a lot more in depth because an improper diagnosis can cause harm if you improperly medicate an adolescent for BiPolar, but it IS possible and is DOES happen. 

and finally... 

10.) There’s a test for BiPolar.  --No, there’s not... there are symptoms displayed and when a professional is vigilant in seeing the symptoms for what they are, they can all be put together to show BiPolar and it MUST be diagnosed by a professional.

Being BiPolar is not a fun thing to walk around telling people that you are or laughing off and joking around about.... It is a real, sometimes painful thing that a lot of people suffer from daily. 

8-2-18

Someone asked me something today that got me thinking... She asked "How are you so fat if you're eating healthy and exercising?"I answered back with a simple thing about how I wasn't always eating healthy and I wasn't taught portion sizes properly and that I'm just now getting into it and I have a long road ahead of me.
She accepted this answer and walked away. but then I got to thinking...
I can and should be doing more for myself. Sure I'm changing my foods and exercising more, but I'm not doing as much as I could be doing for myself or my kids.
I could go out running in the mornings. I could be doing jumping jacks in the living room or using my PiYo discs I OWN or my TaeBo disc I own! but no, I do the bare minimum and then complain when I yoyo my weight around.
Well, I've decided that the only way to become a runner,, is to RUN! and the only way to lose weight is to move faster so it can't catch up with me.
So I'm going to be making a lot of life changes here soon and if you don't like them, fuck you. Some of these changes are for me, some are for my kids, some are just because I fucking feel like it. But all of them will make me a better person in one way or another.xx

7-31-18

Parfois j'arrive à penser que je devrais vraiment faire mes devoirs, alors qu'il est tôt ... tu sais? Mais ensuite je me rends compte que je ne peux pas parce que j'ai des tâches ménagères à faire ou à cuisiner, donc je vais commencer à nettoyer et ensuite décider où commencer ... Je commence généralement par les plats parce qu'ils semblent plus simples et moins longs consommer, mais ensuite je me rends compte que j'ai 6 bols blancs, mais seulement 4 sont dans l'évier, donc je dois chasser les 2 autres, parce que ... Je dois .. Alors je sors pour voir si je peux trouver l'autre 2 bols, non? Eh bien, sur le chemin je trouve une chaussette sale, ce qui m'agace parce que je jure que j'ai dit à mon enfant de ramasser ça ... mais peu importe, je le ramasse parce que ça doit être fait. Puis je me rends compte qu'il y a une serviette sur la chaise et une chemise sur la table, et je sais que je me demande s'il y a du linge sale dans la maison, peut-être que je peux commencer une lessive ... c'est joli simple droit? Eh bien, alors je vais à la recherche de linge pour voir la chambre de ma fille est un gâchis horrible, alors je commence à le ramasser parce que c'est plus facile que de discuter avec elle de le ramasser elle-même. Je trouve là-dedans une télécommande qui ne lui appartient pas et qui va l'emmener à l'endroit où elle appartient et tomber sur une bouteille de shampoing dans le couloir que je voulais mettre dans l'armoire il y a quelques jours mais que j'ai oublié la bouteille de shampoing car je dois faire pipi et aller dans la salle de bain pour faire ça. Pendant ce temps, j'ai encore des vêtements dans les mains que j'ai rassemblés et je ne range pas le shampoing, mais pendant que je suis dans la salle de bain, je me rends compte que les toilettes ont besoin d'un gommage. Eh bien, ça ne prendra pas trop de temps, je vais juste le frotter très vite. Oh, et la baignoire et le lavabo aussi ... parce que je suis là ... alors pourquoi pas ... non? Ensuite, je vais balayer ou éponger et réaliser que le balai est en haut mais la pelle est en bas. Pas de problème, je me dis ... Je vais tout balayer et ensuite quand je vais faire la lessive, je vais remonter et balayer la pile dans la pelle à poussière et en finir avec. Mais alors je repèrerai une cuillère dans la chambre de ma fille et j'irai là-bas et LA BLANCHISSERIE! y en a partout! Donc, je commence à ramasser le désordre, décider ce qui est sale et propre est presque impossible, mais je le fais et trouve une poche de jus et un BOL BLANC! Eh bien ... je me sens accompli! J'ai trouvé le bol blanc! attends ... qu'est-ce que je faisais? Oh oui. la lessive ... dois mettre une charge dans la lessive ... finir de ranger les saloperies des garçons et balayer et ramasser les jouets et faire les lits et puis je bouge pour descendre et me rendre compte qu'il y a de la merde sur le mur ... oui ... merde .... Donc, je dois nettoyer cela parce que GROSS! alors je frotte et je me fais mal et je vais me laver les mains dans la salle de bain ... Je vois que je ne me suis jamais souvenu de rincer la baignoire et de trébucher sur la poubelle que j'ai balayée .. Alors maintenant je dois la ramasser et essayez d'utiliser mes mains comme une pelle, mais cela ne fonctionne pas bien, alors je reviens à mon plan d'origine et décide de revenir avec une pelle à poussière. Descends pour réaliser que j'ai laissé les vêtements à l'étage que j'allais laver, mais j'ai le bol! Donc, je décide de laver les plats que je peux trouver et de trouver le bol plus tard, mais le téléphone sonne et je ne peux pas laver la vaisselle et parler car l'eau est trop forte et je m'inquiète constamment de laisser tomber mon téléphone dans l'évier . Donc, je me promène dans la maison pendant un moment au téléphone pour parler à l'appelant. Quand l'appel est fait, je me rends compte que j'ai déjà 3 ans et que je n'ai rien sorti pour le dîner! Ensuite, je vais au congélateur pour trouver quelque chose pour le repas et je me rends compte que l'intérieur du réfrigérateur et du congélateur est dégoûtant et qu'il renifle quand il expire. Oh non ... le temps de nettoyer ça ... maintenant ... une heure plus tard, tout est sorti du frigo, le frigo est à moitié nettoyé, mes enfants sont à la maison et demandent ce qu'il y a à dîner, je leur dis de faire leurs devoirs et je leur displus tard. Je continue à nettoyer le frigo et finalement, autour de 5 c'est fait.Méticuleusement et dans le meilleur ordre et les condiments à gauche ont été lavés et remis en place et disposés de sorte qu'ils vont tous à leur place et les vieilles choses sont dans la poubelle, mais la poubelle est pleine, donc je décide que je devrais changer le sac poubelle et mon mari marche dans la porte ... regarde autour de lui et demande .... "Qu'avez-vous fait toute la journée?"

«Eh bien, lui dis-je, j'ai lavé les plats * à l'eau savonneuse froide et à la vaisselle sale *» et j'ai fait la lessive, mais les chambres des enfants étaient en désordre et la salle de bain était dégueulasse et j'allais dîner mais quand j'ai ouvert le frigo, j'ai vu que c'était méchant alors j'ai commencé à le nettoyer. "

"Alors, rien alors?" Répond-il.

"Eh bien, non ... j'ai fait beaucoup ... de ... .tout ... chose ..." Je boude en regardant autour de moi pour voir que je n'ai pas accompli 100% de tout ce que j'ai commencé à faire et maintenant je dois trouver rapidement / dîner facile parce que tout est gelé et je suis frustré ... Je me sens fatigué et triste maintenant. Je pense ... que peut-être ... je devrais aller m'allonger parce que je suis fatigué de tout le travail que j'ai fait sans accomplir quelque chose et épuisé par la déception que je vois dans ses yeux parce qu'il ne comprend pas que j'ai essayé faire beaucoup, mais mon cerveau ... à penser ...

4/21/18

So...... 

 I have some news...

 I get to go to my first ever concert this summer and I’m so freaking excited!! 

I mean... who wouldn't be ecstatic to see
THIS MAN live and on stage??? 

 mm..mmm.mmmmmmmm.... *drools* 

 My cousin and I wanted to see Panic! in Cleveland at the Grog Shop but that was hopeless... so when we heard about the tour, we started saving money from paychecks for the pre-sale.. and we did it! WE GOT TICKETS!! 

 I'm 32 years old and have never been to a concert... not once.. I am super stoked! 

 Again.... wouldn't you be?? 

 You can't even lie.. you know you'd be just as excited as we are! LOL

I can't even believe it most times! lol  

I’m literally so excited that I tell every person I see all about it lol  for serious   I even have a countdown LOL! 

8-10-17

J'abandonne.

Je suis si malade et fatigué de chaque petite chose qui pourrait aller mal, aller mal. Je ne peux même pas commencer à expliquer mon dernier mois, mais il est sur le point de réduire énormément les choses 48 heures si je ne trouve pas une issue. Je ne sais pas quoi faire. Personne n'est jamais là pour moi quand j'ai besoin d'aide, mais je suis toujours là pour tout le monde. Je ne peux pas dire trop de gens ce qui se passe ou les gens que je ne veux pas dans mon entreprise le saurons. Aussi, si je ne le dis pas à quelqu'un, je vais exploser! Je ne peux rien faire. Je ne peux pas être le mauvais. Je ne peux pas être le seul à faire des progrès. Je ne peux pas tenir les autres. Je suis une erreur.

Essayez une chose: impasse.

Essayez la deuxième chose: plus grande impasse.

Passez près de deux mille dollars pour une chasse au trésor qui n'a pas de trésor pour moi parce que je ne peux pas être qualifié.

Trouvez quelqu'un qui PEUT aider, mais alors ils ne peuvent aider que si je les trouve un moyen d'aider, alors je cherche des moyens, et je trouve même des impasses mroe.

Vous dites que vous voulez aider, ou que vous essayez, mais tout ce que je vois, c'est les jeux vidéo, la lecture et le fait de dire combien vous ne pouvez pas faire parce que vous avez "essayé".