10-12-2021

 You would think that with four able bodied people living here that the house would stay clean and that the bunnies and cat litter would always be clean and not smell or have flies or any of that shit. But it is a disaster. It is bad. 

FYI- this post references two DID systems of you are unfamiliar with these, feel free to reach out and ask or do research on credible collegiate websites. Please do not make assumptions or accusations. Thank you. 

Jaden screwed up an entire day planned for cleaning and getting things accomplished due to her selfishness and was called out by multiple people throughout the day and still refused to dissent. At around four in the evening Jaden approached Rae and let her know that she was going to let Boulder come out but at that point the only time Rae and Boulder would have had to spend together was to cook dinner, feed children and themselves, clean the kitchen before and after dinner, medicate the children, send children to bed, separate the laundry, make the bed, go to sleep. They would have had no real time together to talk or anything. It was not until I came out and lost my temper that she actually had a true emotional reaction and her reaction was not to say anything or to apologize or explain herself. She started to cry and try to gain more attention and make someone feel sorry for her by crying and it did not work on me. She was told to sit down by her husband Fenixx so that she did not fall and hurt her ankle or re-injure the sprained ankle. Every time someone was speaking to her she would be falling asleep. But when they walked away she would pick up a phone and play games or get on social media and THAT kept her awake. So it was not that she couldn’t stay awake. It’s that she did not care to try because she did not want to be having the current conversation. So, Fenixx tells her to sit down thinning she would probably fall asleep and he glances out (we have a strict no phones policy except special reasons such as obedience, posting to D/s on Instagram when people after/before scening, etc.) and he heard  a noise so he looks to see and she’s on the phone on Instagram. After nine pm. Just passing time. Staying awake. No reason to be on the phone really. Disrespecting the rule that was agreed upon by both hosts to make them have unplugged time with each other daily. So they are not lost in technology. And proving to Fenixx that she could stay awake on the phone, but not for him. So he left front and Dakoda asked me to take over. So I did. And I laid into thistle little girl hard. Because her actions hurt four people yesterday. She was selfish and her actions were unwarranted. I explained to her what Rae had planned (little time) and how Rae had it planned and when it was planned. I let her know what she missed out on due to her actions. Her choices. Choice and accountability. It is a big rule here with Rae.

4-20-21 Check out my partner's Twitch Stream!

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4-8-21.2

 Im going to vent. I don’t expect a response. Just... want someone to listen. 

I’m sorry I’m emotional. I’m sorry I don’t do it right. Idk how. And all I do is mess things up. Hurt people. And push people away. 

I’m more trouble than I’m worth and I’m more work than reward. 

I don’t mean to overstimulate. I don’t mean to overwhelm. Honest. 

The post isn’t about you, but I mean.... I guess it could have been. I just couldn’t understand why you went radio silent. I’m overwhelmed today and overstimulated too. But the one person that can help me, dropped off. So I panicked. And I fixated. And i festered. And I bugged. And I clung. And I was over clingy. And then I saw that’s what I was doing. So I backed off in fear I was making it worse. 

Tried reaching out to my sister who swears I mean the world to her so I could vent, but then when I need her, she can’t because her boyfriend wants to watch a movie. I feel like I’m not worth 3% of anyone’s day because that’s how long it takes to message and say “hi I’m thinking about you” or “I’m having a hard day” or “I care” or anything... 

And no, I’m not trying to guilt you. I realize that I may be asking more from you than you are able to give. And I have to accept that. 

4-8-21

 Not in the mood for jokes. Emotions running high and on my sleeve. I’m medicated and overwhelmed with my own brain. If I am giving you my time and you’re blowing it off, I’m taking it personally. I don’t do this on purpose and logically I know everyone has a life and their own things to do and can’t always message back in 10minutes. But if you’re a passenger in a car and your phone is at 84%, you could take theee seconds out of your day to see that I’ve messaged you a dozen times. See that my fb story seems triggered and reach out. Tell me you’re alright after the therapy you’re doing because I know you’re nervous and scared and don’t know what else to do or have anyone to turn to. 

I’m used to people choosing toxic people over me. Idk why I thought it would be different. Idk why I feel so hard. Idk why my brain does this. I have no idea how to think differently. 

You say you love me for my clingy and my needy but then you ignore me all day. I want to be important all the time. I hate radio silence. It gives me high panic and anxiety and some of us don’t just have an abundance of medication at the ready to take care of it. My counselor thinks I’m doing amazing because of everything I say. Nobody sees the real me anymore. Nobody peels back the layers and the words and the emotions to take the time to see. To ask. To.... just dig inside and help. 

I help and work and try and push and o do everything. And I’m afraid it’ll never be returned. Not the actions or the materials. That’s not it. My issue lies in the meaning. I feel like I’m asking for things that you can’t or won’t give me. Time. Not just being on the phone. 

I want efforts. I want kisses. I want touch. I want you to be here. I want promises kept. I need physical connection as well. 

And no this isn’t about sex. It’s about craving and needing someone to go the extra mile for me for once. 

Someone willing to mirror my efforts. Show me what I mean to you. Tell me sweet things. Draw me pictures and write me notes and mail them to me. Show people you have someone. Show me off. Don’t hide me. Don’t be ashamed of me and tell me you love me. 

Don’t wear a mask with me. 

4-5-21

 Chan eil mi eu-domhainn, ach is toil leam rudan a cheannach dhomh. Cheannaich cuideigin flùraichean dhomh agus chan eil mi cinnteach cò, ach bha e milis dhiubh. Bidh mi an-còmhnaidh a ’ceannach rudan dha daoine eile agus is ann ainneamh a thèid an smaoineachadh no an gluasad air ais. Tha mi dèidheil air a bhith a ’milleadh mo chompanach. Tha mi dìreach ag iarraidh gun dèanadh iad an aon rud air ais. Ifrinn, bidh mi gan frasadh ann an tiodhlacan (is e seo grunn dhaoine eadar-dhealaichte fad mo bheatha.) Is toil leam a bhith a ’ceannach rudan agus a’ cur rudan agus a ’faighinn iongnadh cuideachd.

2-22-21

 Just occurred  to me that next year, today’s gonna suck with everything being a 2..... ugh

Anyways. 

How come I always have to wait? I try not to make others wait. I feel bad if I talk to one of T/them, two times in a row because then I feel like I’m favoriting one over the others. But that’s not it. I try really hard to be good and not be asshole a’cause I know I’m not the only thing T/they have to focus on, but I wanna be selfish. I never get to be selfish. I wanna be selfish and big and I wanna be selfish and little. I loves dem so super much. I fink they’re pulling away a’cause I’m too needy. So I’m tryinna not to ppl be visible or heard. But it’s hard. I enjoyed playing with and hanging out with Alyce, and talking and just being us. But I really miss that. 

Senpai finks I’m mad, I’m not mad. I’m disappointment. Not in Senpai. Or anyone really. Just at the situation. I kinda gets upsets and disappointment whenever I get excited for things and a’cause some things Senpai does and how Hims make me feel dats different from the others. 

Honestly I think it’ll all be easier once W/we are face to face. I think that then they can be fluid as can i, and i will be able to have them easier and not seem like I'm favoriting anyone specific.   

2-20-21

 There’s this person I met. 

A long time ago. 

And I fell in love. 

But then I lost them by my own stupidity. 

I hoped I did the right thing. 

I watched and waited and hoped they’d be happy. 

They saved my life more than once without trying. 

One day I had a feeling they needed me. 

Low and behold, they were having some pretty big issues and needed help so I stepped up. 

I learned a lot that day. 

I waited a little bit longer. 

I took a chance. 

I told them how I felt. 

How I never stopped loving them and how sorry I was for walking away and how I wanted them back. 

They were shocked for a moment. 

And then they revealed that they too felt similar. 

My heart was so warm I couldn’t think. 

I thought I was dreaming. 

It had been more than 15 years. How was this happening?

Now we are here. Where I’m sitting here watching them sleep because I hold every single moment dear to my heart. 

Because there’s this person I met. 

A long time ago. 

And I fell in love.

5-27-2020

je déteste tout en ce moment. je ne vaux rien. désespéré. personne n'en a jamais rien à foutre. je ne peux même pas parler à personne car il sera utilisé contre moi plus tard. alors oui ... je déteste tout. mon mari veut juste que je cuisine, nettoie et fasse l'amour. c'est tout. je ne veux pas faire l'amour parce que je ne me sens pas sexy. je ne me sens pas attirant. je me sens comme rien. je veux juste déjà mourir putain! j'ai pensé à le quitter et on m'a dit que je devais travailler. mais comment suis-je censé travailler sur des choses si l'autre partie ne joue pas correctement? je veux juste quelqu'un qui va m'aimer. veux que je sois moi. comprendre que mon état mental ne peut pas être aidé. c'est pourquoi je ne peux pas le quitter. personne d'autre ne traitera avec moi. personne d'autre ne sera jamais disposé à s'occuper de mes démons. pas par choix. Im trop fou pour personne. même ce seul gars sur qui je regardais. je suis presque sûr de l'avoir effrayé. n'a pas d'importance de toute façon. je n'ai pas le courage de partir de toute façon. je vais juste rester ici et être misérable. c'est n'importe quoi. je ne pourrais pas arracher Eryn de lui si j'essayais. elle serait dévastée.

2-22-2020

I don't even know why I try. The harder I try, the less I get. I do everything for them... and nothing I get in return. They don't even care. None of them do. I spent all night and morning in the hospital worried sick about my son because he said he wanted to commit suicide I come home and all they want to do is play on their phones and complain that there's nothing to do. All I want is to spend time with my kids.. But what do I get? "I'm sorry" without any real proof by way of showing it with actions because they say "sorry" and then they go back to devices. 

My older two won't call me mom. I'm "Bridgette" no matter how hard I try, they won’t even try. It's so hard. I'm supportive, I show I'm invested and interested in things they want to tell me. I try my hardest to show up for everything they ask me to be there for. Nothing I do is good enough for them. 

This is all I ever get... Kids that ignore me and just use me as a scape goat for bullshit. I sacrifice sleep, plans, gas, everything a parent should for my kids... all of them... and what do I get? Lied to, stolen from, and used. 

"I'm sorry mom" for acting like a brat and getting my phone after you made it clear you didn't want us to because you wanted to watch a movie and spend time together...
*goes right back to phone and plays videos*

Like... seriously???

What the hell?

This is all I ever see!!

I'm in tears and instead of listening and putting down devices, they decide that they're going to all go bake a cake.


ALL I WANTED WAS AN HOUR AND A HALF OF TIME!


BUT NO...

they spent two and a half hours as far away as they could, making a cake "for me" so they could feel better.

 I understand that they think they're helping, but it's not helping.... I just wanted to watch one movie with them and play a game of D&D.

They obviously just want to come over here so they can have a new place to play on phones and do nothing. SO, whatever.

7-1-19

Shower, then bedtime for me. I'm kinda done trying today. I was good for like a minute... but then everything exploded. I get left out of everything. I'm told I'm important but when it comes down to it, I'm not even close. You go and do everything huge and fun with everyone else and never think to invite me. You invite my kid sometimes, but not both of them, and you make me feel like you don't love one as much as the other. Not even as much as you love the other kids that also aren't..... nevermind... I might not be able to go to things, but I would feel so much more... cared about, or thought about if I got an invite. You don't even call or ask if I can or want to go. You're always going everywhere with your real siblings, but I'm an afterthought. You go to fun places and post pics "having fun with my family" and I get it, they're your family too... but I never even get invited. It hurts me more than I'd like to admit. Even if I had to decline, I'd know that you thought about me and wanted me around if you invited me. "Hey we're going to do this thing on this day, wanna come?"


I invite you to things, but you decline and all I get is tossed aside while you go all over and do fun things with everyone else. I even offered to pay the entire way and you still don't want to do things with me. 😞


I've tried getting the guts to tell you this many times, but everytime I do, I chicken out because I'm afraid of your reaction. I'm afraid you'll tell me I'm right and then I won't even have you.


I have no real family I guess.

• My mom is ....my mom, and she's tossed me aside more than once, so I don't have a mom.
• My dad... is no dad... I don't want to be associated with him in any way. I wasn't important enough to him as a child, and as an adult, he let me down in more way than one... so... no, I don't have one of those.
• My middle, younger brother wrote me off a couple years before he committed suicide, and I never got the chance to tell him I still love and care about him no matter what he thinks of me, and that's going to eat away at me forever.
• My oldest younger sister came out to me as trans MTF and when I told her I accepted and supported her 100%, she stopped talking to me and to this day, I have no idea why... but I still love her.
• My youngest little sister that I wanted so badly and prayed for and love with everything I have in me, probably doesn't even know I exist because my mom refuses to let me talk to any of them.
• My youngest little brother.. knows I exist, but never talks to me and I don't know why. I haven't seen either of the last two in...almost a decade...
• My one older brother is gay and idk why, but one day he just stopped talking to me. No warning, no nothing... I message him from time to time checking in and telling him I care about him, but never get a response.
• My other older brother hated me (or so I thought) until recently when I got to go to his wedding, which was the first time I'd ever spent more than 30 mins with him....ever.. but I still don't know where we stand there.
• and then there's you... You're successful, don't depend on anyone, have custody of all your kids, they both have the same dad, they're doing so many great things to make you proud every day, you get to go to amusement parks all the time, and trips out of state, and go do so much with them and you never have to worry about if you do this, will you have money for rent, or insurance, or anything. I see pics you post on fb all the time when you go on driving vacations... different states, attractions... you invite everyone else.. but I get overlooked and forgotten about. You bring everyone else... think about everyone else... but never me.

My feelings don't matter though, so I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not like you're ever going to read it. Because I won't tell you where it is. I'm to scared that me telling you this will push you away like my thoughts and feelings push away everyone else I care about.