3-20-12

I have to stop writing for a while. Ace has started snooping and I don't want him to find this... I will come back again when it is safe... 


Birdie Lou'

3-17-12

Anthony is 4 today... I wonder if he knows his ABCs yet. I wonder so much and so so many things... Does he have a favorite color? 
What's his favorite food?
Does he have my blue eyes or Robert's brown eyes?
How Big is he?
How big are his hands compared to mine?
What's his favorite cartoon?
Does he even watch cartoons?
Does he know how to ride a bike?
Would he know my voice?
Do he and Elizabeth fight?
How tall is he?
What color is his hair?

I hope his birthday is amazing. 

I love you Anthony... Mommy loves you... I'm so sorry I failed.. 

Love,
Always,
Birdie Lou'

3-17-12

Well, 

I have decided that I have had enough. Ace is manipulative and hurts me emotionally. I also miss my other kids. Asa and Eryn are amazing kids and I love every moment with them... But I still miss Elizabeth and Anthony and Dylan. I think I am going to tell Ace that I want to go back to Ohio. I can't live without my children... ALL Of them... 

I'll write more next time...

Love,
Always, 

Birdie Lou'

Soul knows Soul

When I think about first love,

I remember not saying goodbye

We stayed up all night together

24 hours on the phone

We became miles apart;

The closest thing to staying in your arms was hearing your voice as I drifted to sleep.

We were too proud to say it out loud

The truth we both feared.

I said I love you to all my friends,

But it was a coverup

For a different love entirely.

Some truths don’t need to be spoken,

Some beasts are best left unnamed,

But it doesn’t take much to read between the lines

Of our messages when we fantasized

About our lips, bodies, and hands intertwined.

In my dark moments of despair

You could still bring a smile to my face.

I recall, when I told you how much I hated me

You took it upon yourself to write out all the things you loved about me.

I tried to see myself through your adoring eyes

I read your messages countless times.

We burned bright and fast,

And at 18, I could never dream,

Of a world where you weren’t everything to me.

Now, our flame has long been extinguished

The pain of the end continually stabs me

It’s just a strong memory plundering about in my mind.

Your face is just something I see in passing,

But your birthday I still have memorized.

I still think of you when I hear the song that gave you your name,

and I remember what first love was again.

The feeling of never wanting to say goodbye,

But knowing some day you will.

x