9-27-14

Well, today was productive. I managed to get all of Micah's room cleaned, his toys organized and completely revamp his room night before last. Last night I got the girls room cleaned up finally.... and removed all the trash and toys and clothes from their room. During the day Sheryl and I went through the girls toys and threw away all the trashed broken or useless ones. Then I managed to wash 14 loads of laundry to get the girls entire wardrobe clean. I'm working through the blankets and sheets now.

I cut tonight.. for the first time in months, I cut myself. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to stop myself so bad. Bill told me he plans to marry this woman and last night told me he had a one night stand with some random chick he met at a store. I am so disapointed in him. I can't believe he has done this. That he is going to marry this woman e has never met and has only known for a couple weeks... all because he wants to be married. He told me he doesn't love her and yet is going to marry her... this made me over the edge sad... upset... hurt... and so many other things all at once.
What happened to the man I looked up to for 8 years? What happened to the man that swore he'd never marry someone he didn't love. Held marriage high and with great honor...? I missed him.... but this isn't the real him. It's a fake shell of someone I used to know. and I don't like it.

I had plans with Sheryl today to try and cuddle and have some us time... but that didn't happen. She never moved from the computer. :( I just want affection. I miss the feeling that I'm needed, loved, and desired. I don't feel pretty... I don't even feel.... attractive in the least.

Nobody ever touches me anymore without me hinting at it. Nobody wants me.
I can't wait for my next counselor appointment. I'm..... I'm just going to hope she has some good ideas on how to deal with this all. Because I'm lost and can't think of what to do and I feel like that little girl in a room that nobody will come into because nobody wants to play with me.

I miss feeling like I'm wanted. I don't feel like Sheryl wants me... not like I used to feel it. She used to hug or kiss me randomly, she stopped...
she used to try hard to get me to lay next to her... she stopped...
I hate sleeping on the couch, I truly do.

I slept in the bed with Bryan last night... it was nice, but, he still has some learning to do.. I'm so frustrated by all of this... I'm horny all the time and can't fix it because nothing helps... I have vibrators and they don't help, I have tried... they only work for a few minutes and then I'm right back up there again.... If I had sex as much as I've been wanting to lately then everyone in this house would think I'm a whore. I think about it constantly. I mean... all the time.... I can't think of anything else most of the time, because I can't get past the horny. I'm so nervous about this procedure ... this vaginal mesh bladder sling thing that the dr wants me to get... I... I'm scared... He said we need to schedule it next week... He was adamant about it too.... I tried getting him to schedule it for the week after next, but he really wants to do it next week... I'm so worried something will happen that I'm just freaking out...

My panic attacks are getting worse each day. I had 4 today alone. I can't handle this much more.
I've applied at a few places to work, but can't find another job. My phone got turned off, so I need a new one and can't afford it... My bills are piling up around me and I have no money to pay them. Something has got to give here because I can't deal with this much longer.... I need to feel like my hopes and dreams and needs matter too... really soon.... because I can't just ignore my needs forever... it'll break me, and I'll end up dying inside... and Eryn needs me.

I think I am going to go take a bath for a while... maybe my vibrator will help me tonight for more than just to postpone it for five minutes...

9-26-14

She got out of jail and had her procedure and now it's right back to computer all day and night... She stays on the computer all freaking day. I'm so frustrated. I just want affection... :(

Bill has started messaging me again a lot. and I'm not going to lie... there's a lot of feelings still there... but the things he said... when everything went down he hurt me hard. I am so behind on schoolwork, I think I have to buckle down and stop letting other people distract me so much.

I have figured out that I have issues with holding things in too long and then when they finally come out they explode. Bill told me today that his girlfriend proposed to him... I mean.. doesn't anyone hold marriage sacred anymore?? She has been "dating" him for two weeks now... that's not long enough to marry someone...
He says he told her no
but I don't know what;s gotten into him lately.

I don't know why this bothers me so much. I love Sheryl and I love Bryan... but... I don't know... I know I still love Bill... I still have love for him, and Allan too. I can;t just leave Sheryl and Bryan and go back to Bill... I can't.. but I don't like the pang of hurt when I hear he's considering marriage to someone so.... new..
I can't help but feel like I caused all of this..

I'm going to talk to Sheryl about things tonight some if she gets off the computer with time to talk... I need someone to talk to me and just listen. Pay attention to how I feel and... be here for me.

Love,
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-24-14

Well, Sheryl had her procedure today... it wasn't as fast as the doctor told us, but she's okay... She had some pain meds and they made her sleepy, she laid down and slept almost all day... lol

But that's okay, because Eryn and Micah slept almost all day too.. so I was able to get a nap because I haven't been sleeping well lately. I get maybe 2 hours a night if I'm lucky and force myself to sleep.. I'm hoping that something breaks soon because I'm exhausted. I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight again, but only because Bryan has to work tomorrow and Sheryl is already in the bed.

I'm going to be going to DSHS tomorrow to REapply for food stamps. Bryan said he'd walk me through it so I have help.

I have realized a lot lately that I start cerying for no reason if I don't keep my mind occupied and over worked. It's weird, and I'm going to be talking to my counselor about it on Wednesday next week. I don't like it. I mean... it's not normal...

I'm so far behind in school that I'm going to be trying to get my work caught up and soon, so I might not write tomorrow, but I might try anyhow. We shall see...

I'm also going to go to a temp agency to see if I can handle job search. My phone got turned off because I can't pay it due to having no money or income... so I'm hoping that maybe I can do temp work and not have to worry about my panic attacks.

I'm not sure how well it's going to work, but I have to try.

Well, I'm so tired.. I think I might get sleep tonight... I'm going to go lay down and get comfy... nighty night...

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-23-14

Well, today was a lot better than the last few weeks... yesterday she got out of jail and RAN to me to hug and kiss me and I ... I just felt so loved! :) I think that if I can find a way to get her to talk to me more often that we might be able to just work through this all!

She has a procedure tomorrow so I was going to not even bother about her sleeping on the couch, just let her have the bed since she has the thing tomorrow for the essure thing, but she decided to sleep on the couch and let me sleep in the bed... we are going to watch a few episodes of Shameless and then head to bed... good night :)


Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

She was released on a Personal Recognizance Bond! The judge says that since she has no previous criminal history, that she is going to let her out and she has a Public Defender... She's getting out! They said it can take up to 4 hours, so Bryan and I are going to go home and feed the kids, get them all ready and stuff for bed and then wait for her call.... ^_^


Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

So her court was supposed to start at 10, but it's already noon, the court house is closing for lunch and she hasn't been seen yet. Nobody has... I don't know what's going on but I don't like it. Bryan and I are going to go home, nap, eat, and then going to go back at 1:30... hopefully they're closer to having arraignments by then,....

Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

Well, Sheryl has court today... Just got Taea up for school... Sheryl's mom said she'd watch Eryn and Micah... so Bryan and I are going to go to the court house and see which room she's in and then her arraignment is at 10. I'm so hoping that this goes well... I'm so scared for her. I hope she's holding up alright. I miss her so much.


Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-21-14

I'm getting worse.... I had a panic attack today and all I did was turn around and when I looked up, Bryan was gone... I freaked out and just... :( I couldn't breathe... I started trying to scream... I got to the end of the aisle and saw him just as I collapsed. I got him to come to me and help me up... I just... these are getting worse and I'm scared it'll happen when there's nobody to help me...

I've also started getting notifications from Meetme saying that Bill has been looking at my profile....

I'm not sure how I feel about this... part of me is happy, the other part.... upset and.... just... I don't know. I do still care about him and love him... but I love Bryan and Sheryl too...

Why can't anything for me be easy? :(

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-20-14

Oh my god!
Sheryl was arrested! She and her mother were screaming and fighting and then all of a sudden BAM! She started hitting her and then the cops were called and Sheryl was taken to jail! The cops talked to me and I told them what happened... After she was done talking to them, they told us that she was going to be arrested, I ran outside and gave her a hug and a kiss and stalled as long as I could. I had called Bryan and gotten him home in time to say goodbye. The cops told us that she won't be able to see a judge until Monday!! :(

I'm so scared, what's gonna happen!> Her mom called Taea ugly and was putting her down and this all started because I told her mom that she needed to start pulling some weight around here. Her chores are kitchen, bedroom, and the rule is no smoking in the kids rooms... :( She... It was horrible! Bryan and I are going to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese for dinner tonight... something to get them out of the house, Bryan away from Sheryl's mom, and a place where I can clear my head and think..

I have to make sure I stay calm, because Bryan looks like he's gonna lose it. :(

I have to stay calm.... I can do this... Fixing to leave soon... ttyl

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-20-14

Well... Another night on the couch. 

I think I made progress in one area though... I think that maybe there's gonna be a little more give and take and cooperation as far as bills and money go... Or at least I hope so. :/ I had a discussion... And while there were angry raised voices here and there.. I think she's agreed to let the money that comes into the house by all parties be "our money" until the bills are all paid.. And then the rest can be split or frivolously spent. 

I listed all the bills out and their average costs, and added them up... And while it upset her to have the discussion in the first place.... I think that I may have made progress..!

We will see in time... But I'm hoping that I for through to her and got her to understand that this is a relationship and that as such should be a group effort by all those in in the relationship. 

I'm really really trying though..

Listening....and responding to the thought. 

I m really tired now 

So I'm gonna go lay down.  

Love,

Always,

Birdie Lou'