9-24-14

Well, Sheryl had her procedure today... it wasn't as fast as the doctor told us, but she's okay... She had some pain meds and they made her sleepy, she laid down and slept almost all day... lol

But that's okay, because Eryn and Micah slept almost all day too.. so I was able to get a nap because I haven't been sleeping well lately. I get maybe 2 hours a night if I'm lucky and force myself to sleep.. I'm hoping that something breaks soon because I'm exhausted. I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight again, but only because Bryan has to work tomorrow and Sheryl is already in the bed.

I'm going to be going to DSHS tomorrow to REapply for food stamps. Bryan said he'd walk me through it so I have help.

I have realized a lot lately that I start cerying for no reason if I don't keep my mind occupied and over worked. It's weird, and I'm going to be talking to my counselor about it on Wednesday next week. I don't like it. I mean... it's not normal...

I'm so far behind in school that I'm going to be trying to get my work caught up and soon, so I might not write tomorrow, but I might try anyhow. We shall see...

I'm also going to go to a temp agency to see if I can handle job search. My phone got turned off because I can't pay it due to having no money or income... so I'm hoping that maybe I can do temp work and not have to worry about my panic attacks.

I'm not sure how well it's going to work, but I have to try.

Well, I'm so tired.. I think I might get sleep tonight... I'm going to go lay down and get comfy... nighty night...

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-23-14

Well, today was a lot better than the last few weeks... yesterday she got out of jail and RAN to me to hug and kiss me and I ... I just felt so loved! :) I think that if I can find a way to get her to talk to me more often that we might be able to just work through this all!

She has a procedure tomorrow so I was going to not even bother about her sleeping on the couch, just let her have the bed since she has the thing tomorrow for the essure thing, but she decided to sleep on the couch and let me sleep in the bed... we are going to watch a few episodes of Shameless and then head to bed... good night :)


Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

She was released on a Personal Recognizance Bond! The judge says that since she has no previous criminal history, that she is going to let her out and she has a Public Defender... She's getting out! They said it can take up to 4 hours, so Bryan and I are going to go home and feed the kids, get them all ready and stuff for bed and then wait for her call.... ^_^


Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

So her court was supposed to start at 10, but it's already noon, the court house is closing for lunch and she hasn't been seen yet. Nobody has... I don't know what's going on but I don't like it. Bryan and I are going to go home, nap, eat, and then going to go back at 1:30... hopefully they're closer to having arraignments by then,....

Birdie Lou'

9-22-14

Well, Sheryl has court today... Just got Taea up for school... Sheryl's mom said she'd watch Eryn and Micah... so Bryan and I are going to go to the court house and see which room she's in and then her arraignment is at 10. I'm so hoping that this goes well... I'm so scared for her. I hope she's holding up alright. I miss her so much.


Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-21-14

I'm getting worse.... I had a panic attack today and all I did was turn around and when I looked up, Bryan was gone... I freaked out and just... :( I couldn't breathe... I started trying to scream... I got to the end of the aisle and saw him just as I collapsed. I got him to come to me and help me up... I just... these are getting worse and I'm scared it'll happen when there's nobody to help me...

I've also started getting notifications from Meetme saying that Bill has been looking at my profile....

I'm not sure how I feel about this... part of me is happy, the other part.... upset and.... just... I don't know. I do still care about him and love him... but I love Bryan and Sheryl too...

Why can't anything for me be easy? :(

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-20-14

Oh my god!
Sheryl was arrested! She and her mother were screaming and fighting and then all of a sudden BAM! She started hitting her and then the cops were called and Sheryl was taken to jail! The cops talked to me and I told them what happened... After she was done talking to them, they told us that she was going to be arrested, I ran outside and gave her a hug and a kiss and stalled as long as I could. I had called Bryan and gotten him home in time to say goodbye. The cops told us that she won't be able to see a judge until Monday!! :(

I'm so scared, what's gonna happen!> Her mom called Taea ugly and was putting her down and this all started because I told her mom that she needed to start pulling some weight around here. Her chores are kitchen, bedroom, and the rule is no smoking in the kids rooms... :( She... It was horrible! Bryan and I are going to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese for dinner tonight... something to get them out of the house, Bryan away from Sheryl's mom, and a place where I can clear my head and think..

I have to make sure I stay calm, because Bryan looks like he's gonna lose it. :(

I have to stay calm.... I can do this... Fixing to leave soon... ttyl

Love
Always
Birdie Lou'

9-20-14

Well... Another night on the couch. 

I think I made progress in one area though... I think that maybe there's gonna be a little more give and take and cooperation as far as bills and money go... Or at least I hope so. :/ I had a discussion... And while there were angry raised voices here and there.. I think she's agreed to let the money that comes into the house by all parties be "our money" until the bills are all paid.. And then the rest can be split or frivolously spent. 

I listed all the bills out and their average costs, and added them up... And while it upset her to have the discussion in the first place.... I think that I may have made progress..!

We will see in time... But I'm hoping that I for through to her and got her to understand that this is a relationship and that as such should be a group effort by all those in in the relationship. 

I'm really really trying though..

Listening....and responding to the thought. 

I m really tired now 

So I'm gonna go lay down.  

Love,

Always,

Birdie Lou'

9-19-14

Why? Why couldn't he just stay gone? Why couldn't he just move on and be happy and just stay gone?? The memories hurt. The feelings... They cut deep... I want to cry but then everyone will ask me what's wrong. And I don't wanna lie. But if I told the truth it would hurt Sheryl and Bryan. I just.... Why can't things be easy!? Why Did it have to be so hard? Why couldn't I just move on and heal? It hasn't even been a month and already he's come back. I offered the friendship bridge and he declined. He said no. He called me. Bad mom. A whore. A slut. He told me I was a bad person. Horrible... 

After all this.... I blocked him... I deleted him... I dropped it all and tried walking away. And... Still. He finds a way. And... 

This hurts. I'm tired and just.... I'm tired of hurting. Why couldn't he just stay gone? 

9-19-14

Idk what to do... :'(

Okay... So... I was being emotional one day and told Bryan that I really regret having my tubes tied.

Because I want another baby. And he told me that since my tubes are tied that if need to find out IF it could be reversed before that discussion could be had. Then I told Sheryl that bry and I had sort of talked about it and she got mopey. She said that she would feel... (I can't remember the word she used) like... Useless... Or.. Something like that. Basically... Sad. (I think). So we had the half assed discussion with all three present and she got upset that we "talked about it" without her. I let her know that it wasn't discussed. Because idk if it can even be reversed so there was no real discussion. I let her know that it wasn't discussed. Because idk if it can even be reversed so there was no real discussion. Well.. I got off the phone and told Sheryl that the dr is gonna look to see if it can be reversed.. This will cause the need for another three way conversation.. 

If it can't be reversed.. We would need to discuss if we are all three okay with me saving up or trying IVF... 

If it CAN be reversed... We all three need to discuss how everyone feels about this and see if we can come to an agreement that works for everyone involving the possibility of reversal. 

And now I don't know what to do. :( 

But if I have one.... I'm scared she'll ..... Like.... Hate me. And what if it can't even be undone. ..? 

I'll be crushed and probably just give up. I.... I just want her support in this. But she's made it clear she won't. I feel... 

Should I just squash that dream? 

Or let the dr look and risk the choices of

A.) disappointing myself finding out it can't be undone. 

B.) making her upset if it can be and she doesn't want to support...  

C.) find out it can be undone and then deciding not to, to make her happy, and in turn, making myself unhappy. 

Am I wrong? I mean.... For continuing to research even though I know she doesn't want any more? :(

:(

I'm just afraid I'm gonna make the wrong choice and hurt her. 

I just don't want anyone to get hurt. None of the three. :(c