Tired...
I'm tired of not being held. I'm tired of sleeping on the couch. It's stuffy, hot, uncomfortable, and lonely. She doesn't even notice how much it hurts. I started sleeping on the couch because Bryan got me sick and I didn't want to give the cold to her and I didn't want to give it back to him. But I hate it.
I didn't even get a kiss, hug, or so much as a "goodnight" from her befpre she went in and laid down. He did cuddle me a little tonight. We watched tv and he held my hand. I don't even think he knew how much it meant to me. It made me do that stupid goofy lip-biting smile. I got to sneak a few short stares at him tonight too. His eyes are amazing. His lashes are long and wispy and his eyes are so many different colors... When I look into them I almost forget that I needed to look away before I get caught.
I realize she's sick right now, even though I tried keeping her away from the sick, but I'm not gauging my feelings on just this week... It's been a downward spiral for nearly three weeks now. She used to look at me like I was precious.. desired... Now I feel like I have to beg for her to even put her hands on me. Not even sexually either. That's not even the most of it. It's the fact that she's always on the computer. I realize I spend a lot of time on the computer too... But mine's different. AND.. I make sure to try and make time for him and her both... Maybe it's me...
Maybe I'm not what she really wanted. Maybe it's because I'm too clingy. Or that I get along with him so well.
I cry nightly.. Nobody knows. Nobody hears... Nobody really needs to... it'll just cause issues. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe I'm not meant to be loved back in the ways I feel I need. Whatever I did to deserve this, I hope the other(s) have stopped suffering, becauyse this sucks...
I think I am going to go for a walk and listen to music.
Love
Always
Birdie Lou'
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