10-21-22

 

Pan and I think we figured it out but we have to either wait it out or hope something huge happens suddenly before my plan plays out. I know I didn’t tell you, but I was diagnosed with shingles on my brain. 

Ok, now that you know that…. 

I’ll tell you this… don’t tell anyone but…

Well I might have forgotten to finish the medication…. So there’s that but anyways… I looked things up and as it turns out.. shingles like the way I have them can have negative effects on your liver in rare occurrences. And since ya know…. Our family is a HUGE fan of rare occurrences and all, i think that’s what’s going on. I.. am a target for the rare occurrences.. (everytime I get something or have something happen to me, it’s always something that’s “rare” or “is a one in a (pick a big number) chance of happening”) I was told by a doctor that me getting pregnant was a one in a million chance of happening…. I’ve had 5 kids. 🤨🤨🤨 shingles of the brain is rare. I had a c-section in 2008 and got a staph infection from it. not rare right? WRONG!! It was E.COLI!!! It took two weeks to figure out what it was and then I was sent home with a pic line and a nurse came to my house twice daily to give me meds. There’s more but I think you see where this is going….. so yeah… one in a million…. Very rare… you can say what you want but it’s a possibility and so I’m not saying I WANT this to be what’s going on, I’m saying if my meds run out and I have everything come HURDLING back like it was before and the same things are happening again and I end up BACK in the ER, I will suspect that I know what’s causing it at that point. 

The medication I’m on is helping my liver stuff go down. So when I finish the medication it’ll go back up like it was before and I’ll end up back in the hospital again because they didn’t check my BRAIN.

Also, They gave me nothing for pain. Since the issue is my liver I can’t take Tylenol. 

Because I had bariatric surgery I can’t take NSAIDS and I’m allergic to naproxen anyways sooooooo there’s that. 

And they didn’t prescribe me anything controlled because they don’t want me “to be dependent on it” *rolls eyes*

So basically, They didn’t check my previous medical stuff. Pan says “they were too busy looking for horses and they didn’t look for the zebra staring them in the face” 

So now, I’m going to take all my medicines. Every.single.one. To the T. 

And when I run out (because there’s no refills on them) the symptoms are probably going to return. And when this happens, and I end up back in the hospital with the SAME EXACT SYMPTOMS AAGGAAIINNNNNNNNNN…… maybe….just MAYBE….. they’ll fucking listen to me!!! 

Until then, I’ll keep everyone updated. 

This has been very helpful, updating here each day and just getting things out at the end of each day. So I think I’ll keep doing it. Even if it’s not about me being sick. Even if it’s just bullshitting… I think I’ll keep doing it. It’s been nice. And I like it. 

Until tomorrow everyone…. Have a good one. 

>_< Rae >_<

10-21-22

 So, I decided that I was going to take all of my abnormal test results (high or low) and place them here.... if anyone reading them anytime soon sees and knows anything NOT on WebMD (because I'm not a huge worrier and freak out specialist, feel free to leave a comment with things you might think would cause these specific test results. Keep in mind that I am not putting all of the test results on here, just the abnormal ones. THe ones that will be missing are the ones that came out normal, because there are a bajillion results and I didn't want you having to sift through every one of them to find the ones that were high or low.  

If you don't have any other information about this, please go back and trad entries the 3 previous entries on this blog as they'll give you insight about symptoms and other information to go with these blood test results. 

UA W/ MICROSCOPIC, REFLEX CULTURE             10/17
 Component                                                        Your Value

Color:                                                                      Dark Yellow

Bilirubin,                                                                        1+

Leuk Esterase                                                            Trace

Bacteria                                                                Few /HPF

Complete Metabolic Panel 10/17
Component                                  Your Value

Bilirubin,                                           2.5 mg/dL

Alkaline Phosphatase.                       228 U/L

AST                                                   366 U/L

ALT                                                   157 U/L

Chloride                                        107 mmol/L

Iron + TIBC                                        10/18

TIBC                                         228 ug/dL

Complete Metabolic Panel 10/18
Component                                Your Value

Protein, Total                                 5.6 g/dL

Albumin                                         3.5 g/dL

Alkaline Phosphatase                 322 U/L  

AST                                                 370 U/L

ALT                                                278 U/L

Potassium                               3.4 mmol/L

Chloride                                      110 mmol/L

Anion Gap                                6 mmol/L

CBC                                                10/18
Component                              Your Value

RBC                                       3.84 m/uL

Hematocrit                                35.7 %

Epstein Barr                                     10/18
Component                               Your Value

EBV NA Ab, Qual                         Positive

EBV nuclear antigen IgG typically appears from several weeks to several months after primary EBV infection and may remain elevated for life but it may become undetectable in certain immunocompromised individuals. The final interpretation should be done in the context of other EBV serology panel results. 

EBV VCA IgG, Qual                        Positive

The result suggests recent or past EBV infection. The final interpretation should be done in the context of other EBV serology panel results.

Toxicology Screen Routine Urinalysis.            10/18

Component                                               Your Value

Cannabinoids, Urine                           Preliminary positive 

                                                                 (this is not a shock as I am a medical marijuana patient)

Comp Metabolic                                               10/19 
Component                                               Your Value

Bilirubin                                                         2.3 mg/dL

Alkaline Phosphatase                                  194 U/L

AST                                                                  140 U/L

ALT                                                                  196 U/L

BUN                                                          5 mg/dL

Chloride                                                       112 mmol/L

Anion Gap                                                 7 mmol/L

Comp Metabolic Panel                                   10/20
Component                                               Your Value

Alkaline Phosphatase                                 181 U/L

AST                                                                  59 U/L

ALT                                                                138 U/L

Glucose                                                       108 mg/dL

BUN                                                        6 mg/dL

Chloride                                                   107 mmol/L

CO2                                                               20 mmol/L

COMP METABOLIC PANEL                            10/21 
Component                                               Your Value

Albumin                                                        3.6 g/dL

Bilirubin,                                                     <0.2 mg/dL

Alkaline Phosphatase                               154 U/L

AST                                                                43 U/L

ALT                                                               107 U/L

Chloride                                                   109 mmol/L

CO2                                                            21 mmol/L

10-20-22

So…….it’s Not my heart (which I already knew) and they took me off the dilaudid and are managing the pain orally and discussing with GI what they want to do because my liver entitles are starting to go down so that’s good. But they’re still unable to find a reason they’re so high in the first place. (Normal is 33-123, mine is currently 284 and at my highest I was 326)

Pain management just came in and he doesn’t know why I’m having pain either but he’s going to talk to my care team and try to figure out what’s going on and they’re all going to work together to see what is going on and try to come up with a plan for care. And all this lying down is starting to make my upper legs hurt and they won’t let me up and walk too much because I have low BP and it makes me dizzy.


They’re not telling me anything. Just taking More and More blood. oh and goody goody, now I have a low grade fever, 101.3
I'm going to lay down for the night and hope that I don't have anything else to worry about tonight because my pain meds are wearing off and I can't have dilauded anymore, just percocet every 6 hours and it barely helps, so I have to make the pain subside somehow without tylenol or any NSAIDs

10-18-22

liver enzymes higher, iv clotted off and after 6 tries they can’t get a new one yet so they are having to get an ultrasound machine to put a new one in. i'm in so much pain. Haven't slept really. had an MRI last night at like 11pm and now i'm awaiting those results too. Also had a CT scan so.... more results.... OH, and about 15 vials of blood were taken,,.... sooooooo more results to wait for!! Yeah, so... finally after eight tries, and the ultrasound people FINALLY coming in, they got my NEW IV IN!!!


Liver enzymes still going up. They don’t know why. They can’t find a reason. And they’re trying to decide if they’re keeping me here or sending me to Fairview or main campus in Cleveland center. Can’t find any stones. Can’t figure out why the duct is inflamed. Can’t find any stones. Can’t figure out why the duct is inflamed..So now, I just wait until tomorrow for more results as they come in every three hours for more blood and every hour for more vitals. On the plus side, I'm on an oral diet, it's clear liquids, but hey... it's a step, so i'll take it. 

goodnight.

10-17-22

I’ve been in and out of the hospital for over a week. nobody knows anything and they can’t seem to figure out why my liver is doing what it’s doing.. 😕. My biliary ducts are dilated and no one knows why and I’m in so much pain.. I’m getting admitted. They said that even though I don’t have a gallbladder I can still get gallstones in my liver but they didn’t see any so he’s clueless so they’re admitting me.. oh... And my liver enzymes are stupid crazy high.... so that's just fan-freaking-tastic... The doc just went over symptoms of liver issues and signs and I have multiple!...

* Nausea
* Lack of appetite
* Fatigue
* Weakness
* Swelling and/or pain in your abdomen (belly)
* Dark-colored urine (mine is almost orange) and/or light-colored stool (mine's like...beige)
* Frequent itching

so that's a thing...


So after talking to said Doctor Monday evening,he informs me that has to talk to the rest of my care team he said probably tomorrow morning when everyone’s on the floor. But right now I’m waiting on more dilaudid.

10-12-2021

 You would think that with four able bodied people living here that the house would stay clean and that the bunnies and cat litter would always be clean and not smell or have flies or any of that shit. But it is a disaster. It is bad. 

FYI- this post references two DID systems of you are unfamiliar with these, feel free to reach out and ask or do research on credible collegiate websites. Please do not make assumptions or accusations. Thank you. 

Jaden screwed up an entire day planned for cleaning and getting things accomplished due to her selfishness and was called out by multiple people throughout the day and still refused to dissent. At around four in the evening Jaden approached Rae and let her know that she was going to let Boulder come out but at that point the only time Rae and Boulder would have had to spend together was to cook dinner, feed children and themselves, clean the kitchen before and after dinner, medicate the children, send children to bed, separate the laundry, make the bed, go to sleep. They would have had no real time together to talk or anything. It was not until I came out and lost my temper that she actually had a true emotional reaction and her reaction was not to say anything or to apologize or explain herself. She started to cry and try to gain more attention and make someone feel sorry for her by crying and it did not work on me. She was told to sit down by her husband Fenixx so that she did not fall and hurt her ankle or re-injure the sprained ankle. Every time someone was speaking to her she would be falling asleep. But when they walked away she would pick up a phone and play games or get on social media and THAT kept her awake. So it was not that she couldn’t stay awake. It’s that she did not care to try because she did not want to be having the current conversation. So, Fenixx tells her to sit down thinning she would probably fall asleep and he glances out (we have a strict no phones policy except special reasons such as obedience, posting to D/s on Instagram when people after/before scening, etc.) and he heard  a noise so he looks to see and she’s on the phone on Instagram. After nine pm. Just passing time. Staying awake. No reason to be on the phone really. Disrespecting the rule that was agreed upon by both hosts to make them have unplugged time with each other daily. So they are not lost in technology. And proving to Fenixx that she could stay awake on the phone, but not for him. So he left front and Dakoda asked me to take over. So I did. And I laid into thistle little girl hard. Because her actions hurt four people yesterday. She was selfish and her actions were unwarranted. I explained to her what Rae had planned (little time) and how Rae had it planned and when it was planned. I let her know what she missed out on due to her actions. Her choices. Choice and accountability. It is a big rule here with Rae.

4-20-21 Check out my partner's Twitch Stream!

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4-8-21.2

 Im going to vent. I don’t expect a response. Just... want someone to listen. 

I’m sorry I’m emotional. I’m sorry I don’t do it right. Idk how. And all I do is mess things up. Hurt people. And push people away. 

I’m more trouble than I’m worth and I’m more work than reward. 

I don’t mean to overstimulate. I don’t mean to overwhelm. Honest. 

The post isn’t about you, but I mean.... I guess it could have been. I just couldn’t understand why you went radio silent. I’m overwhelmed today and overstimulated too. But the one person that can help me, dropped off. So I panicked. And I fixated. And i festered. And I bugged. And I clung. And I was over clingy. And then I saw that’s what I was doing. So I backed off in fear I was making it worse. 

Tried reaching out to my sister who swears I mean the world to her so I could vent, but then when I need her, she can’t because her boyfriend wants to watch a movie. I feel like I’m not worth 3% of anyone’s day because that’s how long it takes to message and say “hi I’m thinking about you” or “I’m having a hard day” or “I care” or anything... 

And no, I’m not trying to guilt you. I realize that I may be asking more from you than you are able to give. And I have to accept that. 

4-8-21

 Not in the mood for jokes. Emotions running high and on my sleeve. I’m medicated and overwhelmed with my own brain. If I am giving you my time and you’re blowing it off, I’m taking it personally. I don’t do this on purpose and logically I know everyone has a life and their own things to do and can’t always message back in 10minutes. But if you’re a passenger in a car and your phone is at 84%, you could take theee seconds out of your day to see that I’ve messaged you a dozen times. See that my fb story seems triggered and reach out. Tell me you’re alright after the therapy you’re doing because I know you’re nervous and scared and don’t know what else to do or have anyone to turn to. 

I’m used to people choosing toxic people over me. Idk why I thought it would be different. Idk why I feel so hard. Idk why my brain does this. I have no idea how to think differently. 

You say you love me for my clingy and my needy but then you ignore me all day. I want to be important all the time. I hate radio silence. It gives me high panic and anxiety and some of us don’t just have an abundance of medication at the ready to take care of it. My counselor thinks I’m doing amazing because of everything I say. Nobody sees the real me anymore. Nobody peels back the layers and the words and the emotions to take the time to see. To ask. To.... just dig inside and help. 

I help and work and try and push and o do everything. And I’m afraid it’ll never be returned. Not the actions or the materials. That’s not it. My issue lies in the meaning. I feel like I’m asking for things that you can’t or won’t give me. Time. Not just being on the phone. 

I want efforts. I want kisses. I want touch. I want you to be here. I want promises kept. I need physical connection as well. 

And no this isn’t about sex. It’s about craving and needing someone to go the extra mile for me for once. 

Someone willing to mirror my efforts. Show me what I mean to you. Tell me sweet things. Draw me pictures and write me notes and mail them to me. Show people you have someone. Show me off. Don’t hide me. Don’t be ashamed of me and tell me you love me. 

Don’t wear a mask with me. 

4-5-21

 Chan eil mi eu-domhainn, ach is toil leam rudan a cheannach dhomh. Cheannaich cuideigin flùraichean dhomh agus chan eil mi cinnteach cò, ach bha e milis dhiubh. Bidh mi an-còmhnaidh a ’ceannach rudan dha daoine eile agus is ann ainneamh a thèid an smaoineachadh no an gluasad air ais. Tha mi dèidheil air a bhith a ’milleadh mo chompanach. Tha mi dìreach ag iarraidh gun dèanadh iad an aon rud air ais. Ifrinn, bidh mi gan frasadh ann an tiodhlacan (is e seo grunn dhaoine eadar-dhealaichte fad mo bheatha.) Is toil leam a bhith a ’ceannach rudan agus a’ cur rudan agus a ’faighinn iongnadh cuideachd.