Part One:
When I was asking and begging and trying to get you to move up here I was doing so under the impression that you had the same goals.
Family. Home. Work. Like… building a life.
And that the things holding you back was your parents. And Danielle. And I tried for such a long time trying to convince you that you could do all those things and I’d help you if you just moved here. Because you’d have the freedom to do those things and not be stuck at home under your mother’s thumb. Stuck in a relationship you swore wasn’t a relationship.
But you hesitated. And then You cheated on me with two different people and lied to me about it. As if I was going to be dumb enough to believe that the hickeys on your chest were just seat belt bruises.
And I tried to forget. Tried to believe that if I just moved you out here that Lyn would have a better life. That you would be so happy to have the support and belief that you could do everything that you made me believe you wanted.
I thought that even with wanting to do gaming, that you actually wanted to go out and get a traditional payroll job in the meantime and eventually, as income allowed, move to gaming a a profession possibly.
The realistic way.
And then you left me. All because you decided that my loud in your face support was too much. You left me to be with Meaghan or however you spell it… because she wanted you to sit on your ass and play video games and she wanted to be in Danielle’s position. She was hoping that you’d kick out Danielle and she could move in and life would be made.
But I wanted you to succeed. So after I got that email I broke. I was so devastated. I tried to leave you alone. That’s what you wanted.. that’s what you said you wanted… fine. I sent you the bus tickets and told you to do whatever with them.
But my whole life I’ve missed you. Missed what I ran away from. Regretted leaving.
I even told everyone I ever got together with that if I ever had the chance to have you back, they’d have to take a backseat or leave. Because I would choose you.
And then I actually got the chance. And I thought I was doing everything right. Tried supporting your dreams of gaming. Thinking that the reason you weren’t trying to get out of the house to work was your parents. Your sister. The house you were in not supporting you leaving the house. Keeping you stifled. I thought if I gave you that confidence that you would do so well. Like.. you wanted it. You just didn’t have the ability based on the people keeping you stuck there.
Then slowly I started to see that you didn’t really mean some of the things you said before moving up here. You’d be content with me working a full time job and you sitting at home playing video games trying to turn it into a lucrative venture if my job could support the whole house without question or struggle.
You made me feel through your actions that you weren’t interested in actually being the grown up you told me you wanted to be before you moved here. You started to make me feel like you’d be completely content idolizing Snow White (which is why I say that so often.. I think Snow White is so basic… she’s famous for housework and being pretty for no reason) I get told you idolize 40-50s housewives and then you sit around and allow the house to go to shit around you.
Your side of the bed builds up and up and up and it doesn’t seem to bother you until I’m over there tossing shit and having a temper tantrum about it.
We spend hundreds of dollars on our nails each month for the past year and you’ve been completely content just getting your nails done and just sitting back letting me take care of you.
You used to say you’re not on social media all the time but you were on it constantly. And it got to me after a while. So I started backing off. But I’m constantly afraid that if I don’t take care of you. And if I don’t do everything in the world for you that you’ll cheat on me again. Find someone else online or whatever way you found Meaghan and the other several people you’d been with, and leave me for someone more well off. Someone who can take care of you.
I felt used. And the thought of bringing it up made me nauseous. I have been terrified that if I brought up negative things ….serious things… not like. Household things.. but like…. Real serious issues that were bothering me hardcore, that you’d decide you didn’t want the hard parts, and that you’d rather find someone else or move back to GA where things were easier and you had less responsibility. Everyone else did everything for you. Bills. Household things. Raised Lyn. Like… literally… you were responsible for cooking food here once a night usually, and clean some here and there. Her house isn’t a mess. It’s not actually dirty. It’s her habits she wants done. And her dogs. But literally, you got $$ and never really had to be responsible with it. And sometimes you make me feel like you miss being able to be irresponsible and taken care of.
So I suck it up. I hold it in. I deal. I just keep doing what I think you want. I try to take care of you and walk on egg shells because the thought of losing you hurts me. Emotionally.
It scares me. Tbh. Because I know you could find someone to take care of you the way you want and I can’t and then I failed.
Losing you also means I lose my son. If I leave you, you’ll move back to GA and I’ve lost him too. And that scares me so bad too.
You constantly ask me if you’re messing up or if you can be doing more. And when I tell you the things you could be doing you acknowledge my words but you don’t follow through.
So I just do like I do with the kids and suck it up and deal.
I say things about how I feel and I get trashed for it. I don’t like girly girls… never really have. Never really will. It’s a preference.
I’m also finding out that I don’t really care for being a Dominant. It should bring me joy to be a Dominant and it doesn’t. It feels like more work and just adds more stress. But if I say this, I’m gonna make sooooo much offense. And I’m gonna get “what about ______” and yeah, I get it… honest… but it’s just a lot of work and it makes me feel like I’m being a parent and that’s not…. It doesn’t make me feel like ….. I find it hard to feel sexual or.. in the mood… when I’m being called Mommy. Idk how to explain it tbh. It’s just… it doesn’t work for me like it should if it was something I was wanting.
I also have a REALLY hard time seeing females as Dominant to me. That’s why I never actually dare or entertained the general idea of me dating that chick Dawna. She’s Dominant and I just can’t… wrap my head around it.
But I also haven’t felt like I had a Dominant for a while. You used to check on me with my food and water and mental health and you don’t.
I don’t think that you honestly know how to be a Dominant aside from FSOG stuff, and that’s fine, but I need structure. I need someone to step up and keep me on task. But also be helping. Be doing things when I’m not looking. When I’m not yelling.
Last week… I came home from working on no sleep. Told everyone that I was sleeping behind the wheel. Driving and sleeping could have killed me. And others. And I was concerned. So I told you, and everyone else that I was falling asleep driving abs that I needed to sleep.
You woke me up 45 minutes later trying to have sex. Like…. As if that’s the most important thing. More important than me needing sleep to stay alive. And then when I was falling asleep and stuff you finally “gave up” in your words… and then I got guilt trips because you’re horny and I’m exhausted. 😩
So now sex is being made to feel like a job all because I can’t feel like I’m even attractive while I’m so tired.
But all you’ve been focused on was sex. You tell me to cum more often than giving me a forehead kiss.
I love you so much but it’s killing me
I beat myself up for sitting still too long everytime I stop moving. If I’m not earning money, I’m failing.
If I’m not cleaning the house I’m failing.
The insects Lovie brought to our house are taking over the house and no one else seems to give a shit. I can’t kill them fast enough it’s going to take a professional help
I’m the only adult that’s doing the hard parenting shit. You’re worried about all the fun stuff and Brittney too…. Too worried about all the fun stuff. Not his hygiene. Not his grades. Not his laziness or lack of giving a dam. About anything that’s not a video game.
He strives to be Markiplier. He wants to sit around like you did in GA. like you taught him is the best most fun life to live, and play video games all day. . -_-
I’m over it
